on the ninth day of the new year

I didn't wrote any entry for the new year. not that i was too busy till i missed it, but i was just plain lazy. yeah, that's very me, ain't it? anyhow i get to spend the new year at home, celebrating my dearly twin brothers birthday. how time flies, they are now 17! I shudder at the thought that if they, my two used-to-be-little brothers are now that old, i will be 9 years older. oh well...

anyway, apart from the no-celebration new year, i had a pretty normal life. i am now serving my hard-to-believe notice period at my current office, and due to report at a new company in one month time. ooh..what a scary thought. i am excited, but all the same intrigued by what awaits me in the future. Seeing it as the future, i can do nothing but patiently wait then. the time will come.

new year resolution? this year i opt for a simple one. "moving on".

well, of course, literally, that is simple. but in action, it is not that simple. I may have succeed in one, where i had finally moved on from my 3 years working in the same company trance, to a different company. the process had truly being so fascinating, all from the interviews where i had to fake my sickness just to get a leave, talking with confidence to all my interviewers, and finally laying down my tender letter on my dear manager table. it wasn't easy. throughout that, i was constantly battling my conscience and mind-boggling thought. thinking about how this decision will affect my life, how it will change me, and so on. i do not know whats best for me, but i had simply taken on the tide this time, at full speed. so far its been worthful, but only God knows what will happen in the future. so i can only hope for the best, and continue striving.

and i had moved on from the miseries of my broken family, my parents broken marriage and stuff that comes along with it. the day when we had all cried when one of my brother questioned my mom regarding my dad's departure, him calling dad to come home, and all the despairs that follow has carved its own history on my heart. there's no way i would forget that day, and seems like it does not want me to forget it either, by being on a rather significant day - a day before Ramadhan. we've been sad, hurt by dad's unceremonious departure, but i guess the wound had now starting to heal, albeit slowly. no doubt it will leave it scars upon all of us, but at least we had somehow find an easy way of navigating through it, putting it all behind us, and get on with life. with all that had happened, i feel more high spirited towards making the best for my family, thus compelling me to work hard and be at ease with all the buzzing words of hurtfulness.

but my heart, it had refused to move on from that one person i had let in before. it had refused to open the door, and let the person leave, for good. and that refusal is killing me, for i know that the other person had never intend to stay anyway. i cannot think of anything that i haven't do to control this stupid unreciprocate love - be it stop any contact with him (which ended with me come back crawling for him), or treating him like a normal friend whom i have no feeling upon (yeah, right!). the only difference now is that it doesn't hurt so much as it did before. i am sane enough now to not let my heart sinks into the abyss of broken hearted again, but still it taunts me. and ignoring something you yearn to feel so much is not easy, yet im doing it by the tick of time.

so i haven't decided what to do with that yet. as of now, the feeling is strong as ever. i even fall into the lapse of time, letting myself creating beautiful imaginary life with him. i know, that's insanely stupid. If there's a remote for a heart, i would be the first person in the line to get it. but there's nothing like that, right?

i hope he will be married soon, so that i can be released from this cursed of loving him. Dear God, hear me, please.