price of an apology

"she taught me to do this, when i finally know how to do it, we met the cruel destination"

so you've made a mistake, you realized how bad you have been, and you asked for forgiveness. and the victim forgave you, and you two get back to where it was before. sounds easy eih? but in real life, or for some people, mistake don't get away just like that, and an apology is much more expensive than what you can offer.

why do i said so? cos i'd learnt that. and now i'm paying the unknown price of an apology for my silly stupid mistake *sigh*

I did a shitty things to my everdearest bestie, and i guess even though i had already asked for her apology, things was just not the same anymore. after all, when i asked for forgiveness, her answer was "is ok, its over". now i can truly understand what those words meant. its over...

For like thousand times, I have been telling myself that I'm just way too emotional. Things were not as bad as it may seem to be. But the more I walk through this, the more i feel the pain. Whats worse? I realized that it was all my mistake in the first place.

I understand her very well. She's a very ...i dont know how to describe it. But to her, once you've crossed the line, thats it. There's no way you can turn things as how they used to be just by a passport called "apology". Its really no such things. I knew it...yet I have drown in my own stupidity and crossed that line. And so, here am i...living so much in the outer part of her life now.

I have telling myself for thousand times, that this is not something to get so depressed with. But, who can explain the pain that i felt inside. Its itching, killing...as if inside, thousand of blades tracing my heart. Its fucking damn pain...

And there's no such thing as "it will get better soon". No such things. Its just a pain that is going to torture me for my whole life. My heart bleeding when i see her, so much that i felt so stupid to do such things to her. If only time can be pushed around, I would rather not being close to her, if asking for that stupid thing to not happen is too much. I really regretted it.

Now, I am like walking it a street so dark, and torturing. The sweetness that I had taste before, is now gone. The warmth feeling that filled my heart before, is replaced by a cold unspeakable moment. The smile that shown on our faces before, now is way too awkward.

My bestie is leaving for her one week trip to HK tomorrow. As if what i felt inside is not enough to torture me, she don't even gave me any chance to be alone with her. I can understand, she may feel scared to be like how we used to be, afraid that i will hurt her again. I am so torn. I long for the happiness that we used to have before.

I miss the friendship that i had ruined.

If i were ever to be given a second chance, i will...fine, I dont think so there will be any second chance. I know her, there's no such thing for her.

i guess there's nothing else i can do, or hope..than to look back at those sweet memories, and preserved it as it is now my only treasures...

Chapter I - The beginning of an end

"I am sorry.." Sighed. That's the only word that i had managed to utter after the shocking revelation that Evan had made. I am indeed truly sorry. I just don't know what had actually went wrong.

Evan looks at me with an empty face. He said he was tired of trying to be with me, trying to shower me with his unconditional love, when its all seem to be unnoticeable by me. He said that my ignorance really had driven him crazy. He said that my sense of unlovable had hurt him, cut him into pieces. I guess if he go all the way of using the word 'heartless' on me, I will still accept it. Who knows, it might be true.

I can see there's a trace of tears filling his eyes. Poor Evan. I really didn't mean to hurt him. But its like a fate written down on me, on my book of justice. I'm like a flower with a killing poison. Whoever tried to hold me down will end up like Evan. Broken-hearted.

"I've been trying hard to save you, to save us. But it seems like you refused to be saved.." I raise my head the moment Evan finish his sentence. Without thinking, I give him an answer that i don't even think he appreciate it. "I don't need to be saved" Evan sigh. A loud, painful sigh. As if it is how his wounded heart sounding at the moment.

"yeah, its always like that with you. You don't need to be helped, you don't need to be saved, you don't need to be loved. I just feel very frustrated. Olivia, i don't understand why you have to suffer yourself" There he goes blurting out all that to me. I wish i can tell him, that this is not the first time i heard those statement. He is not the first one who finds my heartless soul as a killing weapon thats wondering out there, looking for the next victim. He just not the first one.

The view of SevenSky tower fit my eyes. From the distance, the only see-able image of that tower are those blue neon, blinking it way throughout the decent building. SevenSky, even though not the tallest building in the world, held the position of the tallest and most outrageous artistic work of art in this city. And there it stood strongly, showing off her flatters of neons. Oh, I envy those neons, they seem to be very happy there.

"See you around Via, i will always love you" Evan stand up before me, and walked away. I feel the warmth of blood all over my face. Again, he is not the first one who walked away on me. In front of me, out of my life. I just wish that Evan would be the last, so that i don't have to hold this hurtful feeling anymore. Because no matter how many times it happens, it still hurts like it is the first time.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Dao Dai - Rewind

oh I'm so crazy over this song. It's by Jolin Tsai, music written by Jay Chou and lyrics by Vincent Fang.

a great combination.

Dao Dai - Jolin Tsai

wo shou gou le deng dai ni suo wei de an pai
shuo de wei lai dao di duo jiu cai lai
zong shi yao lai bu ji cai zhi dao wo ke ai
wo xiang yi lai er ni que dou bu zai

ying gai kai xin de di dai
ni gei de quan shi kong bai
yi ge ren jia ri fa dai
zhao bu dao ren pei wo kan hai
wo zai xing fu de men wai
que yi zhi dou jin bu lai
ni lei ji gei de shang hai
wo shi zhen de hen nan shi huai

zhong yu kan kai ai hui bu lai
er ni zong shi tai wan ming bai
zui hou cai ba hua shuo kai
ku zhe qiu wo liu xia lai
zhong yu kan kai ai hui bu lai
wo men mian qian tai duo zu ai
ni de shou que fang bu kai
ning yuan mei chu xi qiu wo bie li kai

ni zong shi yao wo guai man man ji hua jiang lai
wo de yan lei que yi zhi diao xia lai
guo qu zen me jiao dai ni gai gei de xin lai
bei ni qin shou huan huan tui ru xuan ya

cong wo lian shang de cang bai
kan dao ji yi man xia lai
guo qu tian mi zai dao dai
zhi shi gan jue yi jing bu zai
er wo dui ni de qi dai
bei ni yi ci ci shuai huai
yi jing sui cheng tai duo kuai
yao zen me ping cou gen chong lai

Rewind

I’ve had enough waiting for your so-called arrangement
The future that you spoke of, just how long will it take
Always have to wait till it’s too late to realize that I’m lovable
I want to depend on you, but you’re not there

The places that are supposed to be happy
All that you gave was nothing
Staring off into space by myself on holidays
Can’t find someone to accompany me to watch the sea
I’m standing outside the door of happiness
But haven’t been able to enter inside
The pain that you have cumulatively inflicted
It’s really hard for me to be released from it

I finally realized that love cannot return
And you are always understanding too late
Only in the end do you speak your mind
Crying and begging me to stay
I finally realized that love cannot return
There are too many obstacles in front of us
But your hand cannot let go
You’d rather be shameless, begging me not to leave

You always want me to be obedient, slowly planning the future
But my tears were constantly streaming down
In the past how have you displayed the trust that you were supposed to give
I’ve been slowly pushed off a cliff directly by you

From the paleness of my face
Can see the memories slowing down
The sweetness of the past is rewinding
But the feelings are already not present
And the hopes that I have placed in you
Have been shattered by you time and again
It’s already broken into too many pieces
How can they be put back together and resumed again

and a video to it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMi0X-HujIU

Lyrics from http://www.jay-chou.net/

p/s : Jay sang this song during one of his concert, but i think even though I'm a fan of Jay, i prefer Jolin's version.

the silence is deafening

its been a while since the last time i wrote. there's a lot of going on here and there, but i guess i am not going to write it all here. this blog was never meant to be a place for me to 'chatter' about my not-so-interesting-yet-so-complicated life. its just for me to pin down what i have in mind..on somewhere. for whatever worth it may have...

i guess i did not really react as how i say or how i decided. I have decided to treat my bestie as usual, but it turns out that i was deceiving her. I didn't meant to, i know its all wrong. but i guess..its just a spontaneous response over what i felt inside. really...

but the more i deceive her, the more it hurts me. I'm used to sit next to her, listen to her stories, crack joke for her, talk to her, and many more. and when i stop doing all that, i feel as if parts of me is being taken away. Seeing her laughing happily makes me feel pain cos i cant share the happiness. Seeing her walking her way makes me feel sad cos i cant walk together with her. and to be just a silence doll next to her is just too painful...

we went for an outing just now. all 5 of us. and something happen.

out of nowhere, my platform shoes 'koyak'. It was embarrassing, but the way she react to it really makes me realize how much i need her. She was the one rushing for a new shoes for me, straight away asking my size and all. i know its just a plain thing, maybe she react to that spontaneously. But for me, to have someone willing to do anything for you, especially at the moment when u need it the most, is what makes me 'softer'. I'm thankful to have my bestie around.

life is unpredictable. who you going to meet, whats going to happen, its all unpredictable. you wont know, not until at the very moment that is it happening. and now i understand that.

so i have a little note for her, if she happens to read this.

Dear A,
We met each other by fate.
We've became friend by choice.

I'm really thankful for having you around.
Even though we are really like a summer and an autumn,
but we have survived it till now.
Even though i'm always being so 'childish' with my actions,
and you always being so 'cold' with your actions,
i guess thats how we live our life.
We're different, yet we share the same feeling.
And for whatever reason it is, i swear, that i will treasure this friendship forever.
I miss you, and sorry for my 'misbehaviour'
I'm truly sorry

Hmm...again i sound so childish.