i was on mc today. actually i have been feeling under the weather since i was at my friend’s house during the weekend, but who knows this morning i really don’t feel like going to work. heavy head, running nose, and my throat, its almost like its burning. now i feel better. anyway..
i love how movies/books that i read often gives me a good reflection on my life, making me feel better. how do i put it? right after i finish watching the movie, or finish reading the book, i will usually find myself at a place where i will analyze my life, and realize that it wasn’t as bad as i perceived it to be.
lately i have had a real dilemma with my work. it feels like its been going no where. and i am still alone. no boyfriend, husband, let alone a close male friend. i hate to admit, how shallow i have been, thinking that with all that i don’t have, my life is bad. how can i say that my work is bad, when there are people still looking for a good job? how can i say that i can only live peacefully once i have found my better half? now that i put it in words, i find myself feeling embarrassed with my shallowness.
i remember watching a trailer of a local movie. one of the character, a mother, was saying something like “are you so great, so grand, that God can’t even touch you? can’t even test you for a bit?”
i haven't got the chance to watch the full movie yet, but that phrase alone was like a slapped to my bare face. a wake up call. really, do i perceive myself as so great, that God supposedly exclude me from all of his test? because i often blame my fate, as if to say that whatever happens, i have got nothing to do with it. how selfish i have been.
truthfully, I'm done being someone who blame others for her own mistakes, her own misjudgement. I'm done being someone who think that she’s above all the others. I’m so tired of fighting my fate, which i think if i work harder, i can make it better. only that i have this stupid habit to only wait for thing to change for me, thus causing me to be in this sickly situation.
i miss my dad, so much. i know this is rare, but actually its been on my mind for so long. i know what he did to my mom, to our family was wrong. but that doesn’t give me any right to judge him. to hate him. i am his daughter. what have i done to him? i did not even try to save him. i let him follow his own angry heart, and in the end he did the biggest mistake of deserting his own family. instead of trying to save their marriage, i feel relieved that they are separated. i find it easier to live that way. as a daughter, wasn’t it my obligation to at least try to save them? frankly i don’t know, and i have never even bother to think about it. i let it go. i don’t even want to see him during last Raya. which i regretted. because now i miss him terribly. and i have something to confess. during those time when i was still mad at him, i had, for numerous times, pray that he will die. not that his demise will be the punishment for him, but because to me, i feel like the only way i can actually love him is when he longer in this world. My goodness, how can i become such daughter? if given a chance to meet him, i just want him to know that I'm no longer mad at him. what's done is done. it damaged him as much as it damaged us. of course everything can be avoided if only he is a better person, better father, but nobody’s perfect. I'm so sad that I'm only realizing it now, but anyhow, i just hope that I'm not too late.
i miss my Abah.
