yucks...it sounds gross. but anyway, yeah..i will officially announce that my series of miserable life start as of today. *drum rolls* dang!
call for meeting at 4.30 pm and ended at around 7. damn long and damn shitty.
i still feel like running away from the business trip.
shit, don't know what to type. its all because of them. block my brain only. stupid
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Not Fair.Not Fair.Not Fair
I've tried thousand times to rationalize their decision, yet the only thing that comes to my mind was...its unfair.Plainly unfair.
alright, don't be so bad. Let me think of some benefits from this business-trip (dang!) :
a) I get to socialize
b) I get to learn new things
c) I get to see other country
d) ....damn, even those above sounded horrible. I hate socializing, I hate learning new things when i totally know that i am not going to be able to learn it, and to see other country, its Singapore only. Plus its a business-trip, not a holiday trip. So full stop. I hate it.
God knows how much I feel like disappearing.
Oh btw, read this.
"The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along."
By : Jelaludin Rumi
Source : http://yasminthestoryteller.blogspot.com
Aren't this sweet?
alright, don't be so bad. Let me think of some benefits from this business-trip (dang!) :
a) I get to socialize
b) I get to learn new things
c) I get to see other country
d) ....damn, even those above sounded horrible. I hate socializing, I hate learning new things when i totally know that i am not going to be able to learn it, and to see other country, its Singapore only. Plus its a business-trip, not a holiday trip. So full stop. I hate it.
God knows how much I feel like disappearing.
Oh btw, read this.
"The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along."
By : Jelaludin Rumi
Source : http://yasminthestoryteller.blogspot.com
Aren't this sweet?
sorry i hurt you
yeah, thats all i can say
i am truly sorry for having my insecure-self controlling my emotion, thus blurting and hurting those that care for me
Gomenasai.Mujhhe Maaf Kardo.Maaf.Sorry.Tum Chui.
Now I sounded like a second Madonna..dang!
i am truly sorry for having my insecure-self controlling my emotion, thus blurting and hurting those that care for me
Gomenasai.Mujhhe Maaf Kardo.Maaf.Sorry.Tum Chui.
Now I sounded like a second Madonna..dang!
Monday, June 23, 2008
don't make me your stranger, we'll forever be far
to distrust a person whom i trusted so much is one of the thing that i hated the most. so the quick fix, i choose not to trust anybody easily. but life is unpredictable, u may unintentionally gave your heart to somebody, without knowing the consequences. and when it hurts, you cried. not because of all the things that had happen, but because from that day onwards, you have to stop trusting that person. because you have to live without that kind of trust you used to have and to give. worst, you have to live as if you still can trust, when every confidence you have in a person has gone. vanished.
i wonder how two souls can be so close yesterday, and than being so far apart today. God knows what will happen tomorrow.
I hate to think about what i missed the most, but thats the only thing that keeps on running through my mind. I hate to think of the laugh we shared before, the stories that brought us together, the tears that hugged us like a warm blanket in a cold winter. Where has its all gone? Where's the warmth that used to melt my heart? Where's the happiness that you've promised?
when we used to be together, i thought that nothing can break us apart. when our hands holding on each other, i thought that no winds can blew us away. but why did it happened? why do you have to turn your back on me, and make it as if nothing had happened? and one thing that i yearn to know for long, who am i to you?
I hate to act, I hate to fake. You know this more than anyone else. But now, i have to act as if you didn't hurt me. I have to fake my smile, my laugh, and my happiness.
this is not about who is wrong, or who is right. but what i hope is an explanation. something that will make me understand, that nothing of all this is your intention. i yearn for your promises, for all the good days that you've told me before.
why do you have to be nice to me, make me believe that i can put my hope on you, that i can trust you, and then you asked me to stay away? i have a heart, in case you didn't noticed. and i am a normal human being, in case you didn't realized. how can i be happy, when you asked me not to bother about you? how can i understand, when you ask me not to ask? and you wouldn't tell. how can i still believe in you?
why does it hurt so much, to understand, and to let go? shit, why do i even bother to cry.
i wonder how two souls can be so close yesterday, and than being so far apart today. God knows what will happen tomorrow.
I hate to think about what i missed the most, but thats the only thing that keeps on running through my mind. I hate to think of the laugh we shared before, the stories that brought us together, the tears that hugged us like a warm blanket in a cold winter. Where has its all gone? Where's the warmth that used to melt my heart? Where's the happiness that you've promised?
when we used to be together, i thought that nothing can break us apart. when our hands holding on each other, i thought that no winds can blew us away. but why did it happened? why do you have to turn your back on me, and make it as if nothing had happened? and one thing that i yearn to know for long, who am i to you?
I hate to act, I hate to fake. You know this more than anyone else. But now, i have to act as if you didn't hurt me. I have to fake my smile, my laugh, and my happiness.
this is not about who is wrong, or who is right. but what i hope is an explanation. something that will make me understand, that nothing of all this is your intention. i yearn for your promises, for all the good days that you've told me before.
why do you have to be nice to me, make me believe that i can put my hope on you, that i can trust you, and then you asked me to stay away? i have a heart, in case you didn't noticed. and i am a normal human being, in case you didn't realized. how can i be happy, when you asked me not to bother about you? how can i understand, when you ask me not to ask? and you wouldn't tell. how can i still believe in you?
why does it hurt so much, to understand, and to let go? shit, why do i even bother to cry.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
you know what’s best for you
before that, which type of person are you? One who like to be told, or one who tell on what you like? These two statements may seem like a similar thing, but they are different in every possible way.
When my dad had an accident 4 years ago, and he was unable to move due to his broken ribs, mom still go to work everyday. When every relative that came to visit dad knew, they said mom is selfish. Dad is sick, yet she still goes to work everyday. As if money is more important than her husband. Mom was hurt with all the saying, but she did not care. Because she knows, she did what’s best for her, for every one of us in the family.
When dad is sick, and he was unable to work for at least 3 months, mom was our only hope to continue living. She knows that she needs the money. My mom, she was the type that doesn’t simply ask for help. She wants to work out her problem herself. So when everyone was saying that she’s selfish and left my sick dad at home, she knows best to just keep quite and don’t bother about anything being said. She knows that if she did not work, we will face a huge financial problem. But those who talk, who says spiteful words on her, they don’t seem to understand. Because they only see, and they say it based on what they see. They don’t understand.
When I choose to study in IT, instead on taking Medic, everybody said that I wasted my good result. Well, yeah...my SPM result was good. I passed with flying colors. But then, I choose to study in local uni because of many reasons. First, I will get a convertible study loan, which is a good thing because then it means that my parents would not be burden by my study fees. I know my parents can never afford it anyway. Second, apart from a big amount of fees for Medic, it took such a very long long time to finish. Imagine if I am still studying now, what would happen to my mom. Third, I know I am not good enough for that. Yes, my result might be good, but to do something that you don’t feel like doing, what’s good will it be for you? These are among many excuses that I gave to myself whenever I was questioned with my decision of studying and working. I know it sounds lame, but you can’t continuously let people hurt your ego. I never tell anybody about this though. It’s just my own reasoning, because in the end, I believe that I know what’s best for me. There’s no use of telling them, because they won’t understand, and they wouldn’t stop talking, and blaming.(Oh anyway, I'd never choose to study in IT. It sort of like comes to me, and I had accepted it. But to think deeply, thats the way i used to live my life. I take whatever comes my way, and live with it. So far no problem, apart from the endless comment i received from people around me on how careless I lived my life. But do i look like i care?? heck no..)
When a friend of mine chooses to leave her 5-years boyfriend for good, everybody says that she’s selfish. The relationship does not seem to have problem. It is normal for boyfriend-girlfriend to be overly protected towards each other; therefore her ground for ending the relationship is unacceptable. But she did it anyway. No matter how hurtful the feeling is, she ended the relationship. Because, she knows what’s best for her. To me, I would say that she did it because she knows that it is better to leave now, than to live in a life you never like for long. But I guess, she has her own reason to do so. I’d never asked. I don’t think I need to know either, because even if she gave me her reason, I may not understand. She knows what’s best for her anyway.(I am still mad at her for many other reason though.But i think, like i said, I don't understand, therefore I feel mad. It's normal..)
So, what I am trying to say is, no matter how much you can meddle in people’s life, or how close you can be with a person, you can never decide what’s best for that person. It depends, and the only one who knows what’s best is the person himself/herself. You can see from any logical way, but the only vision that’s clear is being seen by the person, not you. We cannot alter what we can’t decide. Because in the end, the one who is going to live with the consequences is not us, but that person alone. You can share a burden, but you can never replace it. You have no right to do so.
So just go ahead, and do what’s best for you. Go ahead and make your own leap, and do not bother about what people may say. They don’t understand your suffering, and to say things about you is the only thing that they can do. So don’t worry, you know what’s best for you.
Live life as how you want it to be, not how people want you to be. Because it's your life, and the only thing that matters is you, yourself.
p/s: I've had another wasteful weekend...erghh. Damn, how did i end up being such a lazy bum..I am too lazy to even go shopping...uwaaaaa.
When my dad had an accident 4 years ago, and he was unable to move due to his broken ribs, mom still go to work everyday. When every relative that came to visit dad knew, they said mom is selfish. Dad is sick, yet she still goes to work everyday. As if money is more important than her husband. Mom was hurt with all the saying, but she did not care. Because she knows, she did what’s best for her, for every one of us in the family.
When dad is sick, and he was unable to work for at least 3 months, mom was our only hope to continue living. She knows that she needs the money. My mom, she was the type that doesn’t simply ask for help. She wants to work out her problem herself. So when everyone was saying that she’s selfish and left my sick dad at home, she knows best to just keep quite and don’t bother about anything being said. She knows that if she did not work, we will face a huge financial problem. But those who talk, who says spiteful words on her, they don’t seem to understand. Because they only see, and they say it based on what they see. They don’t understand.
When I choose to study in IT, instead on taking Medic, everybody said that I wasted my good result. Well, yeah...my SPM result was good. I passed with flying colors. But then, I choose to study in local uni because of many reasons. First, I will get a convertible study loan, which is a good thing because then it means that my parents would not be burden by my study fees. I know my parents can never afford it anyway. Second, apart from a big amount of fees for Medic, it took such a very long long time to finish. Imagine if I am still studying now, what would happen to my mom. Third, I know I am not good enough for that. Yes, my result might be good, but to do something that you don’t feel like doing, what’s good will it be for you? These are among many excuses that I gave to myself whenever I was questioned with my decision of studying and working. I know it sounds lame, but you can’t continuously let people hurt your ego. I never tell anybody about this though. It’s just my own reasoning, because in the end, I believe that I know what’s best for me. There’s no use of telling them, because they won’t understand, and they wouldn’t stop talking, and blaming.(Oh anyway, I'd never choose to study in IT. It sort of like comes to me, and I had accepted it. But to think deeply, thats the way i used to live my life. I take whatever comes my way, and live with it. So far no problem, apart from the endless comment i received from people around me on how careless I lived my life. But do i look like i care?? heck no..)
When a friend of mine chooses to leave her 5-years boyfriend for good, everybody says that she’s selfish. The relationship does not seem to have problem. It is normal for boyfriend-girlfriend to be overly protected towards each other; therefore her ground for ending the relationship is unacceptable. But she did it anyway. No matter how hurtful the feeling is, she ended the relationship. Because, she knows what’s best for her. To me, I would say that she did it because she knows that it is better to leave now, than to live in a life you never like for long. But I guess, she has her own reason to do so. I’d never asked. I don’t think I need to know either, because even if she gave me her reason, I may not understand. She knows what’s best for her anyway.(I am still mad at her for many other reason though.But i think, like i said, I don't understand, therefore I feel mad. It's normal..)
So, what I am trying to say is, no matter how much you can meddle in people’s life, or how close you can be with a person, you can never decide what’s best for that person. It depends, and the only one who knows what’s best is the person himself/herself. You can see from any logical way, but the only vision that’s clear is being seen by the person, not you. We cannot alter what we can’t decide. Because in the end, the one who is going to live with the consequences is not us, but that person alone. You can share a burden, but you can never replace it. You have no right to do so.
So just go ahead, and do what’s best for you. Go ahead and make your own leap, and do not bother about what people may say. They don’t understand your suffering, and to say things about you is the only thing that they can do. So don’t worry, you know what’s best for you.
Live life as how you want it to be, not how people want you to be. Because it's your life, and the only thing that matters is you, yourself.
p/s: I've had another wasteful weekend...erghh. Damn, how did i end up being such a lazy bum..I am too lazy to even go shopping...uwaaaaa.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
p.s i love you
well..I'd just finished watching this movie. It's a good one. sad and happy at the same time. i don't feel like i would want to give you a synopsis of this movie, or the book (which i think i will soon go for it). you go figure the synopsis yourself. what i feel like writing here is how this movie made me thinking. oh yeah, i know...i am far too easy to be influenced. i know that, in fact, i knew that for long. always...
so, like the main actress, i have no idea what i want in life. i guess, even though i had always talk about my ambition, my goal, my wish...deep and far away inside me..i had always believed that i would never get a grip on them. no. none of it.
i don't know what i want to do, or what i will do next. what i know for sure, is that i need to do something to make my life going. i was given two years of 'playing', two years of dreaming, and two years of believing that life is all but being worried. those two years was the most happiest time in my life.
but now, that two years has ended. good enough that it was not abruptly happened. but i would not say that its a good thing for it to happen slowly..and with me having full acknowledge of it. truthfully, it was no good at all.
i know its not good for me to be idled like this. but i have no idea yet how things going to be next. i totally have no idea.
maybe when I'd figured something out, i will jot it here. but not now.
now its all blank and empty.
i think if i feel like going out tomorrow, i will hunt for this book. thats it. thats or the start. ha ha.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
the moment of despair, pain and sadness
God knows how much I have suffered. This little separation in which I thought would not become a big deal of my usual routine life had grown before my eyes. The rage had become ugly and unstoppable.
I had fall. I had risen. And I had fall again, and risen again. It seems like a cycle that keeps on torturing me, eating up any piece of confidence and harmony that I can muster. And at this very moment, I can feel the pain as my own heart breaking. It crushes into million of pieces. It has broken and seems impossible to be mended.
I had never realized how much my life has been affected by the way I face my despair and sadness. I was sad when father turn his back on us and started on endless rivalry against mother. I was sad to see my family, which had once been so happy, now is falling apart. I was sad to see my siblings, those with young heart, had to face a living with parents who do not even speak to each other anymore. And I was sad to know and to think, that at any moment, they will try to hurt each other, my mother and father, as to end their grudge and hatred. I was very sad indeed.
That sadness had been a part of my life. My simple and never interesting life. I had laughed a fake laughter, flashed the in-genuine smile, and put my head up high where no one can see through my eyes, and saw how hard I have tried to keep up with my unfairly life. I do not know which one is myself, my real self, and when I think of a phrase of “being yourself”, I was dumbly astounded. I have not known which one is the real me, and so which one that I should keep for good. I seriously do not know who is me, what is me.
In my whole life, I had pretended nearly too much, and too long. At primary school, I put myself on the same line as those who came from a finer family; who’s father a businessman or a schoolteacher, whose family being honored through and through. At secondary school, I studied hard enough to gain the recognition that I had yearned, so that nobody will come and ask me from where did I came from. When I do not feel the presence of power to make my existence a staple, I stepped out too far, so that again nobody will ask, or even remembered about me. And that’s how I have been living my life, or at least that is how I choose to live so far. I have only two choices, to be known and well respected, or to be unknown and forgotten. I have done both.
But I have had forgotten my well controlled self and cracked away from my own prison, into the world of true friendship and hope. There, I had found them, many hearts with the warmth of friendship. Through the days, we had made a promise to stay true to each other. And me, a person with heart as cold as an ice, and the ability of faking everything in front of me, swear before them that I will stay true as well as they stay true, and together we will uphold the honored of our little sweet friendship.
They may not know it. They may not realize it. But with them, there’s a barrier that I had let loose.
But now, with the many things that have happened, still happening and will happen, the question of my true self hitting me like a knife. Constantly, I have been asking myself the worth of promise that I had made to them, and the value of the piece of heart that I have had given away to be filled by their love and honesty.
But I know this is not the question of value, or worthiness. It is not the question of how far I can stay a pretender, or how much I can control myself so that all the unknown remain as unknown. This was never a question of that, or any more of it. I want to stay in this madness, and stay as their friend as they would stay for me. I want to be the cheerful girl that they had first known, the one with the most laughter. I want to be the free soul that I had once became, one that is free from any worry of how much the hardship of life will taken her away. I want to follow what my heart desires the most.
I am all but tired for being the same negative thinking person. I want to be less worried over what may happen, and more cheerful over what had happened. I want to be as happy as rainbows, spreading it glorious many colors at the shine of light after the pouring rains.
I want to be happy, truly.
I had fall. I had risen. And I had fall again, and risen again. It seems like a cycle that keeps on torturing me, eating up any piece of confidence and harmony that I can muster. And at this very moment, I can feel the pain as my own heart breaking. It crushes into million of pieces. It has broken and seems impossible to be mended.
I had never realized how much my life has been affected by the way I face my despair and sadness. I was sad when father turn his back on us and started on endless rivalry against mother. I was sad to see my family, which had once been so happy, now is falling apart. I was sad to see my siblings, those with young heart, had to face a living with parents who do not even speak to each other anymore. And I was sad to know and to think, that at any moment, they will try to hurt each other, my mother and father, as to end their grudge and hatred. I was very sad indeed.
That sadness had been a part of my life. My simple and never interesting life. I had laughed a fake laughter, flashed the in-genuine smile, and put my head up high where no one can see through my eyes, and saw how hard I have tried to keep up with my unfairly life. I do not know which one is myself, my real self, and when I think of a phrase of “being yourself”, I was dumbly astounded. I have not known which one is the real me, and so which one that I should keep for good. I seriously do not know who is me, what is me.
In my whole life, I had pretended nearly too much, and too long. At primary school, I put myself on the same line as those who came from a finer family; who’s father a businessman or a schoolteacher, whose family being honored through and through. At secondary school, I studied hard enough to gain the recognition that I had yearned, so that nobody will come and ask me from where did I came from. When I do not feel the presence of power to make my existence a staple, I stepped out too far, so that again nobody will ask, or even remembered about me. And that’s how I have been living my life, or at least that is how I choose to live so far. I have only two choices, to be known and well respected, or to be unknown and forgotten. I have done both.
But I have had forgotten my well controlled self and cracked away from my own prison, into the world of true friendship and hope. There, I had found them, many hearts with the warmth of friendship. Through the days, we had made a promise to stay true to each other. And me, a person with heart as cold as an ice, and the ability of faking everything in front of me, swear before them that I will stay true as well as they stay true, and together we will uphold the honored of our little sweet friendship.
They may not know it. They may not realize it. But with them, there’s a barrier that I had let loose.
But now, with the many things that have happened, still happening and will happen, the question of my true self hitting me like a knife. Constantly, I have been asking myself the worth of promise that I had made to them, and the value of the piece of heart that I have had given away to be filled by their love and honesty.
But I know this is not the question of value, or worthiness. It is not the question of how far I can stay a pretender, or how much I can control myself so that all the unknown remain as unknown. This was never a question of that, or any more of it. I want to stay in this madness, and stay as their friend as they would stay for me. I want to be the cheerful girl that they had first known, the one with the most laughter. I want to be the free soul that I had once became, one that is free from any worry of how much the hardship of life will taken her away. I want to follow what my heart desires the most.
I am all but tired for being the same negative thinking person. I want to be less worried over what may happen, and more cheerful over what had happened. I want to be as happy as rainbows, spreading it glorious many colors at the shine of light after the pouring rains.
I want to be happy, truly.
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