i had a blast hanging out with some old friends last nite. I have to say, its the most needed dosage of ‘something else’ in my super mono life. somehow i feel like this life is not totally hopeless for me, and still, there’s hope left. even if its just one tiny bit of hope.
then tonight, still feeling afresh from yesterday’s remembrance, i went and flip through some old photos, listening to some old songs that i used to love, and eventually, my mind arrived at the one episode where our life used to be intertwined, or perhaps the life where i was so hopelessly fantasize that we were some kind of a thing.
i sane enough now to understand, and accept that there was nothing going on between us. you’re as good as a made-up boyfriend that i used to supposedly look normal. of course you do exist, but thinking back, all those odd times we used to share, seems so fake i would do anything if i have the ability to erase it from my life.
thinking of you used to make me feel warm. i used to smile remembering our conversation, our jokes together, our phone calls, our messages. now its like thousand of needles. deep down i feel so hurt by whatever that happen, or if i put it correctly, by whatever that i thought will happen between us, but did not.
i wonder why you even bother to get to know me. am i that bad, so unlovable, that you decided to just play with my heart, then let it hang there with no reason.
i used to think that I'm just one of your many options, and weirdly enough, thinking that i can handle being an option, cause somehow i do believe you will choose me. stupid and irrelevant. i was so blinded my what fantasy had offered me, until i can’t see the reality, and most importantly, denied it.
i thought. i thought. i thought.
now i realized you exist only in my own lame fantasy, and you’ll never come around and choose me. why then, you take such effort to knock on my door, when you have no intention to come in after all?
I'm still broken, but i have decided to move on. no matter how lonely this road will be, I'll never look back.
