…

“Before you judge me, take a look at you,
Can’t you find something better to do,
Point the finger, slow to understand,
Arrogance and ignorance go hand in hand”
- Holier Than Thou, Metallica

If anything, this verse sounded like a hot blow to my own face, and i posted it as a reminder to myself.

I haven’t written here in a really long time. Truth is, i did wrote two posts before, just never publish it. The other truth was, i never even been able to bring myself to finish it. So, i heartily hoped that this one sees the light out of the tunnel, in a way.

I want to write something important today. Tonight. I want to write my confession, my guilt, my regrets.

In my attempt to face my everyday life, I've become somewhat, a very snobbish, pompous person. It’s weird relating all those words to your own self, i admit that, but really, that’s the truth. I don’t know if its making it even sadder when i do realize that i was being such a prick. I sneer at people who annoys me, talk intelligently at those whom i realize never bother to pick a book or look up any knowledge from the net – i even lash out some sarcasm every once in a while. Wait, this is a confession, so i got to be honest for this to work, so – i am a very sarcastic person at best.

There’s this girl, a colleague – who sits just a table away from me. She’s a lively woman, laugh a lot, curse a lot too. She’s new at the company, but she had experience before, so you know, she wasn’t totally new to working environment, just new to the workplace. Anyway, she likes to complain about her work, saying that the previous person who did it, messed it up so much that she had heaps to clean up after. And i resent her for that. Because, to my shallow mind, who doesn’t have a hard job? Who doesn’t need to clean up other people’s mess? If a job is easy, then it should be called a job after all. Well that’s to my opinion. So i really, REALLY hated her for always complaining. And i hated her even more when she told me, loudly, as if she might as well tell the whole office, that she had managed to settle one thing or another,  that previously being mishandled. Gosh, i hated her for even sharing me her progress.

Then, there’s another colleague, who often sigh and whine and God-knows-what else, about how her work is so important to the company, yet it was so difficult, but with her unquestionably good working skills, she has been dealing with it impeccably. It’s just, is such a big prospect of work. (Which to my mind translated as “if she does this well, she’s sure to get a big fat bonus on it” – which, admittedly should be what's on her mind too). I hated her, especially when she told me how stress she feels, what with her family commitment, and everything. She even posted on her Facebook status that she had to bring back home some work, and it such a big responsibility, but with her being responsible and all, she still does it. I mean, does she really needs to rub salt on my already bleeding wound? Ergh.

There’s another colleague whom i felt like just talking to me so that i will help her in doing her work. Another colleague just using me for my skill. Then another, and another. The list goes on and on, each one of them i can’t truly believe, let alone trust.

Deep breath. I know, now it surely sounded like I'm the one with problem here. Believe me, i DO KNOW that I'm the one with problem. I have this pre-programmed inside of me the very manifestation of a person suffering from the “Holier Than Thou” syndrome. I believe that I'm better, way better than anyone else. Or i had it far far worse than anyone could whined about. I hate myself for having such thought. And I have trust issue. Whenever people are being nice to me, i have this feeling, this ugly stupid idiotic feeling that there’s sure something on the hook right there. I can’t put myself as a whole. Like, love wholly, trust wholly, no i just can’t. I bet there’s a medical term for this. But right now, i recognize it as my own defence mechanism. My way of protecting myself. Like the cocoon. Like a blanket you used to protect yourself from cold. Like a shield.

But like any kinds of protection, it only keep you out of harm so far. It never really do you any favour. It won’t kill your enemy for you.

I want to change. I want to be someone who’s more accepting. If there’s a manual for opening your heart to that, i would read it cover-to-cover.

You know, for a very long time now, i have not been able to feel sympathize for anyone, or anything. I keep feeling like they don’t deserve my sympathy. And i hate it when someone praises me. To my ears, it feels like their making fun of me. So you understand the complexity of my damaged soul? I hope it wasn’t beyond repaired yet, although I'm sure its quite far from the shore.

I hate my sarcastic, sneering self. I hate hearing myself taking a hard jab of witty response at people. I hate, and i know it shows insecurity. Hell, i have no confidence, and i have the feeling that it shows too, like a label outside of a product packaging. I want to change.