I knew this will happen, yet i cannot do anything to prevent it

Even nobody had said it before, i knew it myself. I'm one impossible person to be friend with. While being too friendly is way too cosy for me, being emotionally stable is one of the maybe-do-not-exist moment in my life. I am overly sensitive, regardless of that-moment-of-the-month thingy. I get depress and hurt over trivial things, like what being said or what being done, or worst, not done. And i have not even started on how i will act when those feeling started to flood on me. No, i may not cry, or ask you to be frank with me, or face it or whatever. But instead, i'll opt for shutting myself off and get all the unhappy feeling burning inside of me. (You've seen those moment, so you know how bad it was.)

But then, i'm still a human. I have a heart, even though most of the time i had rather shut it cold. When certain persona does get into my life, that person will occupy a certain place in my heart. And i never ever logged anyone out of that placement. Ever.

Even when the person became hard to be reached, she is still inside my heart. Even when i missed her wedding day, and being too embarrass with that, she is still in my heart. Even when she keeps on criticizing me, she is still in my heart. Even when she made some irrational notions about me, she is still in my heart. Even when i show resentment and being real cruel to her, she is still in my heart. Even when she hurt me, and until now i cannot explained what had actually happened and what had actually stung me, she is still in my heart. Always. (No, i am not talking about just one person here. Not many, but these are among those people who had always be in my heart.)

And like other humans, i have my weaknesses. I cannot pretend to be somebody that i am not. I cannot fake my feeling. I can just do something for the sake of everyone's benefit. I am selfish that way. I was mad, yet i cannot solved the problems that lingers.

Today, I miss the time I'd spent with somebody. I still remember the laughter that seemed to fill in my emptiness in those days. I remember how eager i was to share my everything with that person. I remember how scared i was when she fall sick, or something bad hit her. I remember how i see everything that reminds me to her, and how much i felt like giving everything to her. I had wanted her to be contented with me as well as how much i had feel contented with her existence. every dream, every hope, every star that i want to grab, i will make sure that it is first known to her before anyone else. I put her upfront, before all the other unnecessary things in my life. I thought i had found the value of life, I thought i had found a treasure that i should gave my everything just to keep it by my side.

But i was wrong. I had been giving too much that now i cannot face the fact that it was no longer there. Time changed and people changed. But my stubborn heart refused to take that, and i felt like a jolt of frustration growing in my heart and fading my conscience. I said i had forgive, but frankly, that was far from being true. Forgiveness was never a usable term in my ugly selfish soul. I had given so much, not that i am complaining, and i know that people used to say, its better to give and not expecting anything in return. But that's bullshit, or at least it does not apply to me. Not anymore.

I am freak. I hold on to what i care too much. And therefore when it is gone, i was left with nothing but heart broken.And for a very long time, i have been running away. Unknowing to where i will be heading to. I had wiped my tears, and let it dried and forget about every facet of emptiness that i had felt inside ever since that happened. I run away from what that had seemed to hurt me. I had never been true to my feeling.

But i can never be true anymore. I've been too far away from the shore, that i do not know how to swim back. I've been too far away in this black hole, that i could not crawl back to the light.

With this, every single moment of life feels like a torture. And my heart, not only that i can feel that its broken, had started to rot too.

It stinks. This stupid mournful feeling really stinks.

And somehow, this song does hit home and makes me feel like crying. Shit.

Goodbye - Air Supply

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have much more
I can feel your heart and I simpathize
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my life

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure i'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say goodbye

Oh..i don't know.

The dress, the shoes and the handbag!

Fabulous!

Gorgeous!

Delicious!

p/s : wah lau..i'd updated three articles in a row. speechless =_=

Jay Chou New Album : Capricorn - Updated

Updated : Based on what I've read on the net, it seems like in order to "fight back" against the piracy and false-leakage of his new album, Jay and JVR had decided to do a total make-over to the album and resulting in different album cover, songs title and music arrangement of the Capricorn album. Stupid stupid pirates =.=





Well, my dear Jay has released yet another album. (my dear? ahaks)

If previously Jay came out with the 'cowboy' image, this time he came with the joker-magician look, with a very artistic yet creative pose and make-up.

The songs are all in a very different arrangement from his previous albums, but still very Jay-ish. I love love love it all. (Thanks to a colleague who had kindly downloaded the full album ;P)

His album was titled "Capricorn", with relation to his own star-sign. Some of the songs are: (Updated title in italic)

01.稻香 - Fragrant Rice : this is the only song title that remains the same
02.魔杰座 - Capricorn : Long Zhan Qi Shi 龍戰騎士 (Dragon Knight)
03.女兒紅 - Red Daughter : Gei Wo Yi Shou Ge De Shi Jian 給我一首歌的時間 (Give Me A Song's Time)
04.東方之殿 - Place of the Oriental : She Wu 蛇舞 (Snake Dance)
05.紅樓夢中 - Dream of the Red Mansion : Hua Hai 花海 (Flower Ocean)
06.失戀的青蛙 - Lovelorn frog : Mo Shu Xian Sheng 魔術先生 (Mr. Magic)
07.失落非主流 - Lost Mainstream : Shuo Hao De Xing Fu Ne 說好的幸福呢 (Where is the Promised Happiness)
08.從新愛 - New Love : Lan Ting Xu 蘭亭序 (Orchid Pavilion)
09.大灌藍 - Big Dunk : Liu Lang Shi Ren 流浪詩人 (Wander Poet)
10.達芬奇的畫布 - Leonardo Da Vinci's Canvas : Shi Guang Ji 時光機 (Time Machine)
11.小丑 - Joker : Qiao Ke Shu Shu 喬克叔叔 (Uncle Joker)

This last song is my number one favorite, but truly all songs are nice. Super nice.

This album was due to be released on 9th of October, but then with some controversial against online leaking and such, the album has been postponed to be released on 16th October instead. Anyhow, I regards as Jay is giving me a birthday present, when he release his album on my birth month. Such and honor and unforgettable birthday present ever.

OK OK don't puke. You've had your time with your favorite artist before. haha.

Wo ai Jie Lun!

If he really did the new music arrangement, then it will be like...24 new songs from Jay? That's a bonus i supposed. Huhu~

Film : Ayat Ayat Cinta (Verses of Love)

Well, still remember about this film i talked about? Frankly I like it a lot, so i guess i will blog about it here, so that in case you don't have the chance to watch it, you still know what is it about.

The Characters (According to the appearance in the movie)

Fahri - A muslim guy, who is currently studying at Al-Azhar University of Cairo. To me, Fahri is like the last of his kind. He is very pious, but at the same time has the "modern" mind, whereby enable him (and his religion) being accepted without prejudice. He came from a poor family in Indonesia, and came to study with a lot of ambitions in his mind. Fahri does not has any girlfriend, but he has a special friendship with Maria, his neighbour in Cairo. In university, Fahri had many admirers due to his attitude. =_=

Maria - A Christian Coptic girl, who lives with her mother in the same building with her bestfriend, Fahri. In her diary, Maria wrote that she truly admire Fahri's attitude, and at the same time her admiration had turned into love and devotion. Maria is a nice girl, opinionated and well-knowledge.

Nurul - A muslim girl, also came from Indonesia. She's a daughter of a well-known Kyai (religion leaders - sort of high position in religion structure). Silently, Nurul has become Fahri's secret admirer. Fahri likes her too, but dare not proceed with his feeling towards her due to her family position.

Noura - An Egyptian girl, who is enduring endless abuse from her father (who then being revealed as not her real father). Fahri had once saved her from her misery, and this had touched Noura's heart. She fell in love with Fahri, but her love is not being answered. Broken-hearted, Noura had framed Fahri and accused him of raping her, thus sending Fahri to prison.

Aisha - A German girl, who currently studying at Cairo. She first met Fahri in a train, where Fahri had saved her from being hurt by a an anti-America guy. They both fall for each other. They had get married by family arrangement. It was then revealed that Aisha is an heir of a very wealthy family, ths making Fahri feeling inferior. Their love had also being put into hard times when Fahri was sent to jail.

So, it's basically a story of a guy, with four prospecting wife-to-be. Intriguing?

My point of view

To me, this story is a very simple, yet strong storyline that manage to portray many issues in Islam. Many sensitive issues, I would say. I'm not going to preach here anyhow, but let me just point onto the issues that being filmed.

Marriage/Wedding
Fahri made it as one of his objective in life, to get married. Now you may think that he's desperate and all, but let me explain further. Remember i told you before, on why there are many young Muslim couples get married? I said before that it is one of a way for them to do what they cannot do if they are not married. True enough. But marriage does not only covers on that. It is also as a shield to avoid a person from "fitnah", as in, people will not say anything if you hold your wife's hand in public, or you went into the hotel together, right? Other than that, another reason is because it is written in the Quran that when a person get married, he/she is like completing half of his duty towards the religion. This one is a bit on a higher level i guess. (Truly, I wonder how many of those who gets married really remember this last point, which is why i had never tell you about it.)

Polygamy
You've sure heard it before right, that in Islam, a guy is allowed to married up to 4 wives. It sounded as injustice, especially for women. However, this concept has been abused by many cowards who only get married because of lust. Actually, the one written in Quran is something like, "you can marry one, two, three or four, and you must be fair. but if you can't, then just stick to one". Most people take the part where they can marry to 4 women, but neglecting to the "being fair" part. And by right, the marriage is not out of lust, but due to things like, if you marry the woman, you can be a good leader to her and avoid her from "fitnah". It is sad on how this rule being abused by people who gets married out of lust.

Love and religion
In this film, it portrays an inter-religion love between a Christian and a Muslim, when in the end, the Christian girl converted herself to Muslim. Now this is a very tricky issue. I had often being questioned with things like, "who can control love. why must religion being the barrier?", and some sort of that. I dare not say so much about this, but to me, religion should not be in questioned. Yes, love is blind, but..ok, I will not comment on this.

Anyhow, I'm just talking from my own opinion. I'm not perfect either. We are all just human who made mistakes.

Scenes that I like in the movie

There are many scenes that I like, so here are some of it.

Fahri and Maria looking at the Nile River.

Fahri : Maria, you know, before I came to Cairo, there's only two things that I'd admired about this place. One, is Al Azhar University, and then the other one is Nile River. If there's no Nile, there will be no Cairo, then there will be no Al Azhar.
Maria : Yeah, I admire Nile too. Because if without Nile, Cairo will not exist. No civilisation.
Maria : Fahri...do you believe in destiny? (Jodoh, Yin Feng)
Fahri : Yes, everyone has their own...
Maria : ...pair. That's what you'd always say. I think...Nile and Cairo, that's destiny. Hmm..how nice if we can meet our destiny, the one that's created for us from heaven.
Fahri : Not from heaven Maria, but from the heart. Very near.
*Fahri then look into Maria's eyes for a moment~
Fahri : I'm sorry Maria, I had to go.

Fahri getting a love letter from a girl, accidentally seen by Nurul

Nurul : Hmm...what's that Fahri?
Fahri : Eh..Nurul. It's nothing...err, i don't know.
Nurul : Wah, never know you're so popular. (sarcastically haha)

Fahri saving Aisha from the violent in the train.

Aisha gave her sit to an American tourist who was sick due to the hot-humid weather in Cairo. A Muslim guy then scolded Aisha, saying that as a Muslim, she should not tolerate with Americans, due to all the violence done at Afghanistan, etc.

Muslim Guy : Why did you do that? Don't you know that Americans call us terrorist, and was being very cruel towards Afghanistan, Iraq..etc.
Aisha : I don't care about all that. Her mother is sick. They are in our country now, they should be protected.
Muslim Guy : We cannot do like that.. *want to slap Aisha, but was stop by Fahri*

When Fahri first seen Aisha's face without her 'purdah' (the face veil).

Noura's love letter to Fahri

Which reads: (translated)
"Dear human with a soft heart, it's been a long time that I have tasted bitterness in life. I had no one but God. But you came with radiance. I want to be the person whom you loved, whom you wiped away her tears, and whom you protected. From a person who had always missing your radiance, Noura"

Nurul with Aisha, clarifying about her relationship with Fahri

Aisha : So, is there unfinished business between you and my husband?
Nurul : No, nothing unfinished. Nothing gets started either.

Fahri and Aisha, when Fahri refused Aisha's sugesstion on him marrying Maria.


Fahri : No Aisha, I will only marry one girl, and the girl is you. I love no one else.
Aisha : Please Fahri. Maria needs you, and the baby in my womb needs her father.
(Maria was in coma, due to her accident and also her unwillingness to continue with life when it is without Fahri. They had to save her, and also has her testify in court as she was the only person who knows the truth about Noura's conviction. )


Some of the photos from the movie, randomly.

Fahri had cried hastily in jail. He was being accused as a rapist, kicked by Al Azhar University and had also raised some doubt in his beloved wife heart, due to his many connections to girl. (Which he unintentionally got it ;P)

Maria is trying to "touch" Fahri, when he fell asleep during their time spending together finishing the school assignment.

A very uncomfortable situation, with two wives. =_=


I read a lot of websites that is talking about Aisha (Rianti) who was not as 'pure' and innocence as it seems in the movie. Well, to me, we should not judge them by that. They're just actors and actresses anyhow. She look pretty though.


Fahri in real life is also a singer and has a band, named Garasi.


She's the only woman in the movie who actually wear tudung in real life. In that movie, people will surely hate her (she had accused Fahri!), but actually she's said to be a very soft-spoken girl.

Beautiful Maria~ She's a new-comer in Indonesian film.

Nurul. She was once Indonesian Ratu Cantik, of some sort.

This movie is actually written from a novel. Here's the book cover.


Well, some friends said that this movie is ridiculous. Some friends said that I'm being stupid to like this movie since it brings no good meaning. Some said that I'm too easy to be influenced.

Well, to me..one thing. I don't care what people like or what people don't like. I like what i like, and that's the only thing that matters.

I will never sleep in the bus again

Seriously.

Anyways, I'm sure you'd expect me to write on this. Of course I will. Tonight it has been such an eventful night that I shall not forgotten for as long as I’m still taking bus to work. Or to anywhere else.

Mere words cannot help me on expressing my utmost gratitude on you. You'd save me, darling. You really did. I know it's just sensible for someone who is lost to call up on friend for help, but read on, you'll understand why I say you've saved me.

****************************

I was so busy at work today. Ever since I came back to work yesterday, I haven't really got much rest. Piles of works hunting me like bullets that will anytime shot my head. The sad part is, I will suffer but not die. So the suffering part is really @#$#%^^%$$ (unable to find a suitable word!).

At around 3 something, I remember messaging you on MSN, asking you to forward your resignation letter to me. No, its not like I’m going to submit my letter just now (aha, so dramatic), but I want your letter so that I can have a copy of resignation letter at hand which will reminds me that anyhow thing gets bad, I have an exit that I can always choose.

And then at around 5 something, after a sucky discussion with a colleague, I went to toilet and cried my heart out. I really cried. I felt like having a bit of nervous breakdown at that time. I had almost decided to declare that I'm sick and run home. But eventually I came out from toilet to face the reality again (read: face the desktop).

And then, at around 6 something, I received YM message from that somebody that I've been missing for so many days. We talked, and talked like how we used to be, or how we once were. The conversation had somehow warmth my cold-sad-broken heart (I know you don't like this part).

Finally, at around 7 something, I decided to leave office.

After waiting for like 10 minutes (this consider very little time), my bus arrived. I can see that the driver was the uncle who always suddenly off the air-cond and made us all passengers suffer in heat. Since there were not so many people boarding the bus, I went straight to the back and sit near the window.

I put on my mp3 player, tuned to Jay Chou's new song, and sit back and relax and enjoy my journey. I remember seeing the bus clock at it shows 19:46. I did a quick calculation and assume that I can reach home by or before 8.30, which is great since I will need to continue some work at home. I remember passing by KFC and Millenium Court building, and also the University Hospital.

*******************

When I opened my eyes, the first thing that I realized that it was so damn dark in the bus, and I was all alone. I moved to the seat in front of me, so that I can seat near the door. It's raining drizzly outside, so it's a bit blurry, plus I don't wear my contact lenses, which all contribute to the fact that I feel a bit alienated to the surrounding. First thing came to my mind, "Ah, maybe due to bad traffic, this uncle decide to change route. Anyhow he should still be stopping at my station, so it's ok".

After like 5 minutes, the driver finally realized that I was still inside the bus. He turned on the light, and start asking (or rather shouting since our distance is quite far. I dare not get near him. The old case of rape in bus started to flood my bird-brain.).

Driver: "Eh how come you didn't get down just now?"
Me: "Eh, reached XX station already?"
Driver: "Not going to that station today, very jam. Just now I stop at YY station; I thought everyone went off already."
Me: "Now where are you going?"
Driver: "You have to get down; I'm going to the terminal already. Later I stop at that road; you wait till got bus no. 66 or 75, ask if they make the journey to XX station".
Me: "Huh? Where are we now actually?" (Started to get scared and annoyed by that uncle's remark)
Driver: "MM place, this road"
Me: *silence*
Driver: "who asked you to sleep in bus." (Sarcastically. hello uncle, I don't board this bus with "I want to sleep" in mind lar.)

Since it’s my fault, I didn't really scold that driver or anything. He's not to be blame anyway. I was only hurt by his ignorance. Really, if he has a daughter like me, will he let his daughter wandering off by a busy but very very alien roadside, at 8 something at night? I wonder where his heart. At least give me a clear direction on where to go lar.

Anyhow, still, it’s my fault. So I went off that bus. The moment I stepped off, I started to feel very scared. It's a very busy road, with back to back jam, but it's not like I’m in main city or something. No shop no nothing. It's all roads with big bridge and flyover and road sign and no shops. With my half blind eyes, I tried to skim for which way I should head to, in hope that it will lead me to somewhere much familiar.

I crossed a road, and then I realized that the other road across that road has much more "light" at its end, so the I crossed back that road and made the turning to another road. Since it was so jammed, I was almost like running around cars from one end to another. I wonder what people think of when they see me. Lost chick maybe. (Never mind I never hope people to pity me anyway, since my thinking towards the existence of person with heart ended when that driver put me down just now.)

I walked along the dark roadside, in a very unfamiliar surrounding, and a pounding heart. I was so closed to tears. Then I saw a bus coming towards my way.

I was relieved when I read the sign and it shows "Taman Something - YY Station". At least any station will do.

So I stop that bus and board it. I asked the driver before boarding,

Me: "Will go to YY Station right?"
Driver: "Yes, but will make a very far round." (He gave me the face as if saying, "are you sure you want to board in?")
Me: "Oh its ok"

There were not so many people inside the bus. I dare not sit, so I just stand near the front door. The bus went off to more unfamiliar roads. More people get down. I was terrified again. This was when I message you.

My intention was to ask for help, but I was very ego. Paiseh also. So I just sent that message in case anything happens to me that night, so at least somebody knows where I was last. (Ok, I know this is a bit of an extreme mind-set, but this is how my brain works. Told you its half bird -_-).

Eventually, this second bus went towards your area, and I did recognize the big bridge. When in pressure, my brain works quite admirable. This is when I message you on the second (and third) time.

When you called and asked me to get off the bus, and you said that you will come and fetch me, I was so relieved. Without any hesitation, I went off. Managed to ask the driver on where I was at that time, to which he replied "Taman S".

Then I gleefully wait for you to rescue this lost soul.

********************

When I think back, I realized that I was so carried away by my ego, that I never say "please help me" when I was really in need. I am sorry. It's not like I'm taking you help for granted, but I just don't know how to do that. I was so used to work on my own, until it makes me forgotten that there are times when I need other people. Like just now. I'm so sorry. You know I'm truly thankful to your rescue just now.

********************

I remember laughing at your boyfriend when I heard that he was lost when taking bus from in front of our office. I felt so embarrassed just now, because at least, he was deserted at a place where there were a lot of people, unlike me just now. Even though I know he will not read this blog, I would like to say Sorry for laughing at him at that time. I learnt my lesson. I regretted my silly act. (huhu~ paiseh to say face-to-face anyway)

********************

I hope tomorrow will be a better day to me. And I'm here pledging that I will try as hard as I can, and not falling asleep in bus anymore. It's dangerous. Now I understand why my mom had always reminded me to be more sensible of my safety.

I'm blur. I wish i can be more alert. I wish I was never born to be this blur.

I know I'm wishing in vain. Blur has been my middle name for ages.

I'm back !!!

Sadly, haha.

My 11 days leave ended today. Time passed in a blink, but i do feel satisfied. I get to spend a lot of times with my family at home.

Raya just like usual. I mean, that is how my Raya would be anyway. With lots of quarrel between mom and dad. But this year maybe there's an improvement. We've became much more independent, i would say. On the first day of Hari Raya, during the "salam" session, i went to shake hand with my dad. (really, its just shake-hand act. i did muttered some words like "im sorry" but it stayed inside me. anyway, if i did say sorry, i'm not sure if i will ever meant that.)
oh well, my dad did created some "sickening" scene which could embarrassed my mom, but i
guess she's much tougher now. i bet dad was the one who felt "lost", as in "kalah". I hate this mind-boggling game anyway.

The rest of Raya days just went off like normal. I enjoyed every minutes of it, because i had always love family gathering, especially if it is regarding my mom's family side.

Oh ya, one of my cousin, who is actually younger by 3 years than me, will be getting engaged this coming Christmas. -_-

One of my childhood-friend, whom i haven't met for like, more than 10 years, is now suffering with Leukemia. Haihs, seems like this sickness is everywhere in my surrounding. Scary :s

Today is my birthday. 24th seems like a big (and old) number. -_-

And I don't know what kind of "curse" had fallen on me, i was so sick today. Flu, running nose, cough and asthma attack all in one. If only I'm still on leave...

Oh ya, since its my birthday, Jusco sent me a greeting card and a little portion on birthday personality, which reads;

Personality
"Talkative, soft spoken, enjoys attention, attractive and suave, not pretentious, easily hurts, opinionated, loving & sympathetic."

Let's get deeper, shall we?

Talkative - am i? i think this depends on the level of comfortability of the person i am talking to.
Soft spoken - kidding eh? ;P
Enjoys attention - from the person i yearn some attention from, only.
Attractive and suave - really? grrrrreat ;P
Not pretentious - definitely! (sometimes it becomes a burden too -_-)
Easily hurts - yes, very very very sensitive. Better beware of my swinging mood. ;P
Opinionated - not really, i'm actually very chicken-hearted ;p
Loving - somehow i know i can love deeply, even though it has yet to be testify.
Sympathetic - I don't think so. I can be very cruel at times.
(since we were born in the same month, i think you will also receive the same ;P)

Currently i'm falling in love with this song. Go listen.

My bed is calling me. Daa~