it’ll be my turn one day.

harbouring a feeling to someone who don’t see you the way you see them is difficult, but it seemed to be my only way of getting through life. i know, its cowardice not to tell them your feeling and everything, but i don’t think i will be strong enough to be with someone whom i loved, but i can’t be sure if that person truly loves me, or just being with me because i tell him that i love him. such complicated feeling.

ever since i was introduce to him, maybe about two years ago, my heart has been in its confuse mode. at that time, i was still so fragile – having to step up & out of my comfort zone, i see everything and everyone as a temporary being, and i have no trust. i am like a kid trying to explore the world for the first time -  so i am constantly feeling scared. i was so scared to be hurt again. yet when i set my eyes on him for the very first time, i can’t help but to wish that he’s mine.

well maybe it was because of his look, or his good manners. such down to earth, humble person. its hard not to like him.

slowly, i get to know him as a colleague. he never disappoint me, and stays the same well mannered handsome guy i met on my first day at that department. although we don’t talked much, or when we do it was mostly about work, we do get along quite well. like i said, he’s juts this nice eligible guy. hard to miss.

then i learned about this sketchy affair with this girl from another department. well, it became such a hit topic among other colleagues due to their apparently unmatched status – she’s married, while he’s a single guy. stories after stories surfaced, yet he still the same good guy. only with highly questionable affair. i did my observation too, and yes, they were close. if i didn’t know that the girl is married, i would have guess that they were a couple. that close and intimate.

but anyhow that never stop me from liking him. i am that crazy masochist – i seemed to always be in the dire situation of being hurt. because it hurt seeing how close they are, hurt hearing stories about their affairs, hurt knowing that she is the apple of his eyes. i remember saying his name in my prayers, wishing that fate will eventually bring us together for i had fall for him. i fall deep and hard, and until the next pain train available, i will stuck at this station of painfully crushing at someone who don’t even notice my existence.

i even secretly hating the girl. i hate her for having him. for having such a good life. for being such great girl. i hate the fact that i can never be as good as her.

then we went on trip together, i actually stand just few steps apart between the two lovebirds. to actually witnessing their relationship makes me realize that when its meant to be, no matter what stands in between, fate wins. yes she’s married, but that doesn’t stop them from looking so good together. this is coming from someone who like the guy a lot, i see that their chemistry is so well blend its such a shame the girl is married. they look so good together.

right now, i don’t even understand my feeling. i like the guy, a lot. but i also don’t want to stand in between their great relationship. i was so surprise with myself when i find myself wishing that the girl isn’t married, or something happen and then they can finally be rightfully together. i get mad listening to the others gossiping about the two, wishing to tell them off that those two don’t deserved to be talked like that. somehow i feel like love can happen at the most unpredictable situation, and when it did, who knows how we can conquer it. not everyone get fortunate to find the love ones in the right condition, right time. 

i wish them all the best & i wish them to be finally together. as for me, for now i just want to focus on what lies ahead of me, for i know my time will come. it will be my turn one fine day. I'm sure of it. InsyaAllah.

….

I know the time will come,
When I will eventually get through all of these,
I’ve read an article that said,
Memories do fade, as time goes by – little by little,
So long as you stop holding on to it.

I’ve let you go a long time a go,
Maybe even before you decide to leave,
I have probably closed the door before you even finally decided to enter,
Or perhaps I was the who opened the door and let you fly.

Either way, what was once ours, now is gone.
What was once a hope, now turns to ashes, scattered onto the field of deadness.

So the time will come, eventually, soon
I will forget your birthday, your home address, your email.
I will forget your favourite books, or that song you send to me.
I will forget what car you drive, and what company you work for.
I will forget how good you look in that blue shirt, or how your voice sounded like,
I will forget how you think of me as a great friend, and how you always talk me into agreeing with your idea.
I will forget how you’re always so frank, and how i thought you won’t lie.
I will forget the fights we’ve had, or the laughs we’ve shared.
I will forget the hope i had for you, for us, for what we could have.

But mostly, I wish, I will forget how hard it is for me to forget you, to let you go, to be free.

skirts

oh well, i’m so rarely put a title that truly reflect whatever i am going to write, until even i feel amused by how ‘direct’ above title is.

I'm currently oh-so-obsessed by how cool and lady-like it seems to  be with skirts. well, long skirts to be exact. (short skirts are fine, only that it isn't very practical for me to contemplate.)

so sine tonight i feel abit – err, not so vege – like i always feel, so i spend a good hour browsing through the net to find some cool looking skirts. i wish i can afford them, and wear them as nicely as the models wearing them. (ohhh, this statement is so lame. I am so done with ‘im not good looking enough to wear this and that’. Nowadays i really just wear whatever i feel like!)

My dear favourite designer website, Marchesa, is currently down. So I was left with other websites. Lucky for me, I found some cool pieces anyway.

I think the fact that it look so effortlessly stylish that get me hooked!