As promised, here’s the start of my mini series inside my 27 things series.
Well, when i first thought of this mini series, I had few names in my head. And I sort of thought, well, with that many names, i won’t be so hard to write. Plenty of things to write about them anyway. But then I stumbled upon who should I start with. I mean, should I start with the person that had the biggest influence in my life, or start with the least. You know, then it’ll be like a fully and thoroughly thought list of series. But then, i decided for the an easier route. I’ll tell it according to the one easier for me to open up than another.
With that being said, then you should know it will start with you, my dearest friend, M.
Initially, this little loft was being set up for you. You had a rough patch in your days, and I was thinking of ways to cheer your up. So that’s when i came up with the idea of writing in here. So you can read, and at least, I hope you’ll feel better.
OK, the reason might be a little confusing. Because, isn’t it corny for me to do something that I said being done for someone else, yet it gives me a lot of space to heal my own wounds? I will not explain this, but for whatever reason, yes, this little tunnel has helped me to get through days easier than it would have been.
I have always love writing, though i am not confident enough to let people to read it. Yet, I let you to this. I let you in my little space, hoping that it will cure you out of your pain in life, like it did to me.
But did it helped? I can never know. During those times when we were still talking, it’s not once that you have asked for me to re-tell you the address of this little place. You forgot. You lost interest. At first I worked hard for you to always remember this place, as my effort to give you a little something as a diversion from your miserable life, but yet, you seemed helpless. You don’t care.
You were nice as friend. As best friend even. Caring, and always on the loop. But your priority always confusing me. I have always wanted to say this to your face, but i have no courage to break it to you. This time i’ll set it straight. It’s damn annoying when you were being so attached to that boy, and you let him puppet you for no good reason.
How can i explain that? It’s like – ok picture this. You were hanging of a cliff, and there’s several threads of rope to hold you. There’s one that slippery, looks like it will breaks anytime, and also one that firm and solid and might have the chance to get you up the edge and save your life. Obvious choice, you should hold dearly to this solid rope, right? But no, you choose that slippery, looking-like-its-going-to-break rope, and always whining about how your life is going down. Of course its fucking going down! You choose the wrong life line.
Well call be selfish. I know I was never been in love to understand the affection that you have towards him. But I think, when this kind of situation occurs to me, at least i can be pretty much reasonable and will never let a guy like him take me for a ride like that. Yeah, he was just taking advantage of you. He said he loves you, yet he married others. He said that girl was chosen for him, and he can’t denied her due to his obligation, but did you see his Facebook page recently? Did you see the look of happiness on his face.
Don;t give me those crap about love. Alright, its probably the most magical feeling of all, and i was one of those unfortunate who never had the chance to be in love. But, if it makes you so childish and helpless like that, what's the worth of it? I am sure that love, no matter how sweet it is, needs to be taken in with rationale.
But you, no, there’s no rationale for you when love comes. You leave it all, abandoned it for the affection of a boy who clearly is using you.
When you first told me you had lost your virginity to him, I wasn't surprised. Or proud. That night in your car, when you were crying, I wish to yell at you. To tell you how stupid you have been. But that would have been too cruel, right? I guess I wasn’t your good friend after all. I don’t have the heart to tell you that you’re being stupid, when that’s exactly what you need to hear. You need someone to tell you that you’re being stupid, and that he doesn’t love you, no matter how many times he said he did.
So why did I stop becoming your friend? Like Hannah Baker’s said in her story, its a snowballed effect. It’s one event after another, that leads me to decide that I have had enough of your madness, and I can’t live in it anymore.
You want to know what events it was? don’t worry M darling, the whole purpose of this post is to be opened up, so I will definitely detailed it down here. no matter how long it made this post, and how long it takes for me to finish it. I will, cause you deserve to know that you are the one who break us apart, albeit unintentionally.
And yes, I damn hate your boyfriend. That guy. He’ll appear in this little un-crease series later though. Not now. Not yet. Because now, it will all be about you. (Am i sounding too creepy? haha)
Where were we? Oh yes, the events. Things that made me run away like a mad man from your life. Things that made me sacrifice what I thought i have with you, so that i can have control over my life once again. Things that happened, and hurt me.
You were one of the lucky few, and you know why? I opened up to you more than I did to anyone else. More than even to my mom. OK maybe that’s a bad example cause I didn't opened up to my mom almost at all, but yeah – like i said, you’re lucky. I have had really trusted you, and somehow i found solace in our friendship. Like a safe haven, where i can share. And relate. We both have almost the same kind of crap in our life, with our family. So most of the time, we can truly relate to that, and before i even realized it, i was so looking forward to share with you, to opened up, to talk.
But you have to ruined that for a boy! Because, you simply shoved me to the side when he’s around. Or when you have problem with him. Or whatever, but surely something has to do with him and you don't see anyone around you anymore. Sure I heard of how being stung by love made you blind, but i never thought the affect will be so – trying to find the right word for how i feel towards it – annoying.
I was annoyed the whole damn time you were so stung by him. Remember when you said that guy I like was making me his floormat? Guess what, you made me feel like a damn floormat too.
So let’s start with some of a lighter event. You know, those small things that I find so bloody annoying, that leads to bigger things, and snowballed into the ideas of leaving what we have right where it belongs. By the road side. Abandoned.
1. I hate it when you try to act like how your relationship with him is a big secret and all, but then your actions were all so obvious that you too were an item. You know what? I knew there’s something going on between the two of you, from my first day! Yet the actions, the sneaking outs, the secret dinners or lunches, those were all bloody annoying.
2. I don't know what's your reason for being very friendly to me, until the point you said we were best friends. Of course I treasure our “best friend” moment, but most of the time, I was like some sort of things you used to – urghhh, I can’t even explain this. The thought of being used was one of the first reasons I started to consider our friendship. Well, i will laid it out here. I don’t feel that you were sincere being friend with me. Or were you? It’s hard to tell, and most of the times, I think you were not sincere. That's hurt me like hell cause I was really sincerely trusting you as a friend.
[i will insert more of this when i get the chance and when i can remember better]
Now, move on to the actual events that really irks me – and if you were just some sort of digital friend, made me want to hit the “un-friend” button right away.
1. Remember the company trip to the island? The one where we went for snorkelling? That trip was so cheesy. From the person organizing it, to all the acts between you and your dear darling, to the event related to you, him and my other friend (yes, she will be featured in this series too, later).
I will not be detailing out each steps we took during the trip, because its all cheesy, and nt worth my time writing about it. So i’ll just jump to the main things that make me loose my trust or respect, or whatever i have on you.
It was the night we had the barbeque dinner. Me and A, with whom i shared room with, was a little late for the dinner, and when we finally reached the place, you, him and our another friend already queuing for the food. I was already quite mad for your little stunt of “oh we thought you guys were already here, that's why we didn't call”, but you had to add salts to my wound by making me and A had to sit at our boss table! If it wasn’t for A, that night would have been the worst ever, and I could have storm away from it – and not having to listen to all the racist snickers our boss had to make. Of course I still try to be rationale, and thought that you can’t do anything about the sitting arrangement. But then sometime after that, you have the cheek to admit that since you want to sit with your darling, you rather had me sacrificed and let me and A sit with the bosses. You don;t even care about it! That, my friend, really boiled me up to my head, and seriously got me thinking – why on earth am i still being friend to this selfish creature?
Oh yes, I cried the night when they did a small farewell party for three of you. But you know what? It was all for the act. I was acting like i care, just to cover how i don’t even give a damn about you leaving. And I cried on the day you left the company, not because i am losing a friend and colleague, but i was crying because it hit me now that i have to clean all the mess you’ve left behind. So no, I never cried sincerely for you.
Maybe the friendship between us never really worked because I too, was not sincere. Whatever. It’s already in the bin anyway.
2. Remember the night we spent on new year?
No, I wasn’t talking about the happier one, because those i truly treasured, but the awkward ones that we had few months after you left the company? the one where we ended up dining at old town? well, it was worst than celebrating new year alone in my room.
You know why? because i had to stay on edges of your fragile feeling, whining how he broke your heart, when you had it coming and never thought of standing up for yourself.
I don’t know. I am not trying to be mean here. You were my friend once. You’ll always be my friend forever. But the way you keep hurting yourself, by letting him doing that to you, it hurt me too much until i could not bear with it anymore. It’s insane.
There’s more small time thingy that happened along the way, until one day i decided, that’s it. I need to breath.
But don’t get me wrong. There isn't one day that i don’t miss having you around. I wish he had never corrupted you, so that i can know your true self – and probably relate better to it.
[Your part of the series isn’t finish, but i will stop at here, for now.
And again, if by any chance you were reading this, I am sorry. I am sorry for the kind of friend i was being to you, and I'm sorry i ended it they way i did. i know it’s immature, and i was running away from problem, but i think I've done the best for both of us. If by some chance we were friends again, I'll try to be a better friend.]
