so yesterday

well, don't worry. today i will not be ranting about all that lousy miserable feeling of missing some person who doesn't even take notice of me! apparently, all it takes is just a little 'downtime', and now i'm feeling rather neutral about my feeling towards him. its like, okay he's cute and all, but if he's not into me, then it will not make any different. so i might as well just give it a rest and let time takes it course.or so i decide..ahem

actually just now i wanted to write about something else, but I've just got a message from my mom, saying that one of little sister just got her first period. how time flies. she's a woman now.

i can't help but to feel old, somehow. dang.

today, i can't stop thinking of you

"today, i close my eyes most of the time,
so that i can continue seeing your sweet smile.

today, i deaf my ears from all the noise,
so that i can continue hearing your voice.

today, i walk the path you've walked,
and it was as if you were standing next to me,
as if you were really there."

a) i know i'm a lousy poet, so...yeah, you've just read it!
b) it's too corny
c) i can't help it. i'm so helplessly, and miserably missing that person.

hello, is it me you're looking for

"...i can see in your eyes, i can see it in your smile, you're all i ever wanted..."

oh dear, i think i'm about to fall head-over-heels with someone i met at work. i know it's a bad idea, given that he's far more superior than me (i mean, position), he's like the hottest guy in that office, he has numerous admirer, he is nickname "most wanted" and he has no idea i'm falling for him!

"..'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do,
Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue..."

or maybe he knows, due to my constant staring and all, but he just trying to toy with me - cause he so used to people falling over him. the gift of pretty face!

but i can't help it. the more i try to ignore the feeling, the more i feel it. when he's near me, i feel like i'm going to lose my heart. like, i can't quite explain - but i'm a total dumb when i'm in front of him. i feel cold, and embarrassed-with-no-reason. if he did as much as standing behind me, my head feels light - and i can't breath quite right. is that normal?

i remember some guy said to me before, that guy doesn't like to be chased, so i would not do anything - or start anything - before i can confirm whether he is just trying to play around, or if he's for real. but how can he possibly be the one? he had some 36 years without me, and i'm saying that now i'm here, he's falling for me? that sounds ridiculous even to my own ear!

so i guess i can only wish for him to be the one - and meanwhile, keep watching for him from far, far away.

(it's raining outside, and i'm crying my heart inside - i'm not gonna see him until after the new year. well, if only he knew, he had just took my heart away, with him.)

"...when you're gone, the pieces of my heart is missing too..."

it ain't easy

did you ever be in a situation where you know you should not be jealous, but you just can't help it? it gets so depressing, and you just feel like doing all kind of bad things just for the sake of being rebellious.

i know i'm being stupid, and it will only make me feel worse, but really - what have i done so wrong, that i deserve whatever i am getting now? of course now i feel bad for being ungrateful, but - its hard seeing people gets everything life has to offer, and really seems to be enjoying it.

this is one of the reason i rather just sit in my square-box, and shut myself down. like they said, what you don't know, can't hurt you.

but why me?

pretty little things

it's already half-way through december now. like i said before, it amazed me to see how quick time flies, and how nothing changed in me make me feel depressed. I can't quite explain what kind of changes that I was actually looking for. It's just that, I keep on hoping for my life to begin...when deep inside i knew that my life already begun long ago, and i'm already half-way through it.

maybe the outcomes of my journey so far are what giving me this unbearable state of grievance. it's like, i keep on hoping for something more than what i have now. much more.

then i read a blog from a girl who used to be such a head-strong teenager, outspoken and out-there - nowadays she writes about how miserable she feels, how weak and troublesome. at first i thought that even the hardest rock will change, but then i realize, this girl is still the same strong girl i knew from before. she used to be so strong and powerful enough to boast about her great many achievements in life, now she still strong and powerful enough to admit how life was no longer so great, but she keeps on fighting. truly, i admire this girl so much.

i wish i can be that strong. but being out there, letting people know how i feel, is a big NO for me. i feel like if they know about my weakness, they will push me down, and kill me. i still don't know if this is a right kind of thinking, but at least, it keeps me free from any unnecessary heart-ache so far.

i'm totally rambling tonite. better be off before i start talking about the dustbin under my table.