the value of friendship

its very hard for me write this...without being emotional.

Today, after the weekends of discovery, I have to face my bestie with a smile, the normal ones. God knows how I felt so hurt inside, and how much i want to burst the anger on her. But then, I guess she's more than just a bestie to me. She's my best buddy...at least thats what i had always thought...

If the truth is really that she is only using me, I will be so so so sad. I guess I can't even imagine that to be actually happen. All these while, all the outings, caring that we shared, laughter...everything, if its really meant for their personal purposes, I will really 'patah hati'. I can't bear to even imagine it. My heart sore...

I hope things will not get so messy as I predicted. I hope I'm really their friend, at least. I hope those moments were true. I hope I'm as important to them as they are to me...

For time being, I've decided to back-off. Anyway, that will be for their own goods as well. They need all the time and spaces to develop their relationship. What am i going to do if i were to be there? Lamp post? I just wish that they care to explain the truth to me.

Words can't describe how miserable I felt now. Deep inside, I wish that its all a dream. A bad ones.

to the unknown value of friendship, I hope they won't forget me. I am still here.

p/s: the day became even worst after my super suxx training session. I think I am havng a phobia now. I am so scared to face people.

table for two...or one?

let me ask u a question
"do you mind eating alone, at a restaurant?"

Some, or maybe most of the people will say "Yes, I do mind". After all, what fun is it to dine in alone. Might as well you 'tapau' and eat at home, isn't it? But to me, my answer will be no brainer. I will definitely say "No, I don't mind". In fact, I'd just have my dinner at Yoshinoya, alone. Oh yea, another thing is, I'm not the only one dining alone just now. But still, I managed to notice some eyes who look at me and as if they were saying "OMG, you're eating alone? Pity you". Haha..okay okay, maybe thats my imagination. But i think it does make sense right, no?

Well, I'm still thinking about that someone. Oh maybe we should nickname him with some other name, since i think im gonna ramble a lot about him here..let see, I will name him, Jack. Yes Jack. (That name abit fishy somehow..heha)

Me and Jack, I think we were just never meant to be together. Seriously. After so man attempts, I think now i can accept the fact that things were just never worked out from us. I feel pain, but i can accept it now. The only thing left is his explanation. at least..

From the day we knew each other, until the day I scolded him, things were just complicated. Me, undoubtedly falling for him. But Jack, I would say he's confused with his own choices. Or worse, he has a lot of options, one or any of them were just never be me. Enough said.

I still remember the day we had our last lunch. It was at my office area, at one of the good restaurant there. Maybe because we're too early, no one was in the eating area yet. So we had our lunch in a situation as if i had booked the place for him. I was nervous the day before, but im so glad things turn out so well. We talked and talked and teased each other. Things were so sweet. But still, thats the last date (we never call any of our dine-meeting as date tho).

Well, although we've known each other for like..6 years, we had only met for like..ermm, let me see. the first time was when he fetched me to the bus stop in front of our university. Then after that, a breakfast before i went for industrial training. The third one will be before the day of his graduation, where he came and see me with his friend. Then the fourth was the day after his graduation. So the fifth one is the last one. Well, call me pathetic, I fall for someone that i met only for like 5 times in 8 years. Sigh

I hope i will have a better sense next time. I am so tired of missing him, yet I'm still missing him. I'm so tired of falling for him, yet I'd fall and stumbled for God-knows how many times. I am so tired, yet i cannot stop. He was the one, he will always be the one. If only he care to explain and let me off all these miseries. Sigh again

the unforgettable

"The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don't go back to sleep."

I came across this quotes from a web page of someone. Someone who was once meant alot to me. Someone whom i thought will end up spending my life with. Someone who would always be there for me, care for me, and at most, love me. But things did not really work out between us. I am just not the one, I accept that. So enough about that someone...

That quotes makes me curious. I feel touched and inspired, all at once. Remembering how i had passed my cold morning without fulfilling my duty, I feel bad and sad. I feel lost. Remembering the silence in the morning, i feel so calm and peaceful. This is how this quotes touched me.

But this is not the only quotes that make me fall in love with it. I had always have this particular interest in wording. Quotes especially. While some people always say that 'a picture speaks louder than words', i am not 100% agree with that. To me, words bring its own definition. How well is being written, and how far the readers dig the meaning will determine how much the words will speak.

There's a lot of going on in my life. There's a lot of stories surrounding me. Each things that happen, inspired me to write it down as from how i see it. Well, that will be my dream. To write. I want to write about my mom, my friends and all that is around me. Someday...



As for today, I've waited for the sun to shine. I think it worth it. I understand something better. Something that i had to let go, no matter what. Yes, again i'm talking about that someone above. Sigh.

The unspoken words of love

So what with love..that everyone yearns about it? I bet we all know about the famous tell-tale of love, of how it hurts and how much pain it brings. But love, undeniably brings joy and happiness to those who really survive its game. And who are those lucky people? Who knows...

Me, im not the lucky ones. I never was. Love is either too hurtful for me, or i hate to even admit its existence. Love appears to me in the face of someone who was never looking at my direction, in the face of someone who treat me as a mere 'sister', in the face of someone who was juggling between options, in the face of someone who is too indecisive and too much of himself, and in the face of someone who will never even realize my existence, cos he is busy caring for someone else...

Handful, huh? And talk about how much hurt that these people had brought into my life. Call me emotional, yes i am, but for a good reason. These people appeared before me, touched my heart, and thats it. I was left alone cold with nothing. Not even a nice memory to be remembered.

Someone told me that i am too 'close', an in, in my world, its only me and myself. I dont share my problems, i frowned every single moments and im super emotional. But, its not the way i want to lead my life as well. With my parents and their ugly marriage, a betrayal from someone whom i had once called 'bestfriend', unclear future...its all jumble up and messy. The only nice thing that i can think of is to let go of everything, and run from my life. But as if i can...and as if i would. Despite of all the challenges, frustration and God-knows-what, I simply refused to give up. My hope, my dream, my vision...its all still there.

Sigh, I want to do something big in life, but i just dont know what...maybe not yet.

Jay Chou Concert - Malaysia - 23rd Feb 08

Jay is coming to Malaysia for his World Tour 2008 Concert. I came across this poster as i was browsing for information regarding his concert.Well, as expected from Jay, this poster is indeed unique..only like 30% of his face is in there..am i right?

and yes, im going to his concert dis coming 23rd..*wink*