questions………

“if i ask you sincerely, will you give me the sincere answer I'm looking for? “if” is a nasty little word, don’t you think? same as hope, cause hope always crush us in the end, right? but what if i sincerely hope, say, for you to be mine, for us to be together – will my hope come true? will you be mine? do you want to be mine? for years, i’ve tried to forget this feeling, but it seems like I'm walking around the bush and always come back to where i began, didn’t I? it’s tiring you know? these constant feeling of hurt, do you see that no matter how hard i fight it, its still fighting me harder and killing me from the inside and that's totally crazy, right? i just can’t seems to shake this feeling, and seriously, how come you’re just everywhere that i look at? isn't that mad? or am i going mad? when did our life become such complicated? when the seasons changed, is that how your you see us to? exactly, how did we ended up here? wait, maybe there’s not so much as a “we”, more like how did I ended up here? did i misjudged your intention? did i misinterpret your signs? was there any sign at all? or did i say too much? have i done anything that pushing you away? do you actually hate me? love shouldn’t be that hard, should it? i like your smile, but do you like mine? i like your eyes, the way you talk, the way everything goes around you, but is that necessary? is that how love begin? i supposed, since i don’t even know how it began, then i’m probably don’t even know if whatever i’m feeling now is love, eh?”

“first kiss in secret is rainbow”

the life question, as always

well, as usual, on the Sunday night of my entirely non-beneficial, full-of-craps weekend, i will come to ponder that how come my life turn out to be like this? or maybe specifically, how did i ended up here?

I’d just spent the last 6 hours watching (well, actually re-watching, cause I've seen some of the episodes before) a drama series about a guy re-counting all the events that lead to how he met his wife, to his kids. I’ve been watching this series for few seasons now, and somehow, i feel like i have some sort of familiar resemblance with the main character who, in his mid thirties, still did not seem to be able to find his “the one”. Of course this is just a fiction, and i believe many people out there have the similar thinking that this character is similar to them, but it gets me to conclude of one thing: we all thought that we will be somewhere someday, but the journey, to some of use, it has been painful and no one knows when it will end.

No, I'm not just writing this in spite of how depressing i feel to still be single at this age. Truth is, i used to imagine that somewhere along the line, by this time, I'm already able to get my life in shape. So have some things sorted out. Having a good life, spectacular career and undeniably promising future. But unfortunately, my life is nowhere near being great, i find my job sucks, and the future, just say i don’t see the light at the tunnel. Nowadays, i even get scared to dream, to wish of something. I’ve become cynical, like…whenever i wish for something, i can almost hear at the back of my brain, telling me “yeah, you wish”. Its almost like a joke. My whole life been a joke…a big fat joke.

For example, i used to be mad at my father for sort of ruining my life when he walked out on us at the time when i had just started my life, but then, i learnt from an old teacher just last week about how i had in turn being the the disappointment of my father's life. We were at Mr D office because i wanted to retrieve some papers related to my second brother – who is a disabled. I thought i was on a such noble mission, finishing what my father should have been doing if only he was a much more responsible father. I thought I'm being the respectful sister, trying to help my brother after our father disappoint us all. But who knows, when i heard what Mr D had to say, it was like a bomb that had drop right on top of me, crushing every bravado i had built for years long. “I remember your father, he’s such a jovial person, always laughing when he talks” Mr D said to my brother, and we both laugh at that remarks, noting that as really how our father had been. Such big-talker he is, and loud too! I remember we used to back-talk him from behind, mimicking whatever he was saying to his audience. “I remember him saying his daughter will a doctor, just waiting for a letter and she’s good to go” It was just like that, i felt like I'd been strike by lighting. I muster a smile, hiding my surprise. “yeah, that was me” “oh so you’re a doctor?” Naturally that would be Mr D’s reaction. “No no…i didn't end up being a doctor. Didn't even get into medical school” Painful, but i just had to answer him. Luckily it was only him, and almost stranger – and my brother were in that room. My face was already hot from embarrassment. “Well that's too bad. I remember how proud your father was at that time, telling me about how you’ll become a doctor” Just smile. I can’t even utter any word at that time. “I guess its just not meant to be then” I nodded, and smile again. Not meant to be. Not meant to be, just like how my dad was not meant to be with us anymore. When something that had been anticipated, hoped for, turn out not happening, people will just conclude it as “not meant to be”. But the disappointment, that's what left of it. The disappointment. That's what i had gave my father. And God knows how i feel deranged by it.

Of course you’ll think that I'm totalling being overreacted here, feeling bad for some disappointment that happened a long time ago. And what more, me and my father probably on a fair trade here, i disappoint him by not being what he thought i can be, and he disappoint me by leaving us. But this thing, its not the first time i heard it. Try saying that your ambition is to be a doctor, and hear her retort. She’ll just say “no, don’t feed me with such ambition that will never happen, once was enough”. And you know what, she meant me. She had the same hoped as my father, so i can only guess that she had she same disappointment when it didn't happened. I used to be mad whenever i hear my mom said that, thinking that she was so mean, trying to control my life. Trying to guilt-trap me into admitting that i was their huge disappointment. But now i realize, it wasn't just them that i had disappointed.

All my life, ever since i learn that there’s no way i can go back and pick up my old ambition and go for it again, I've turn into such weirdos that keep making excuses for itself. For instance, I leap in happiness whenever i hear someone didn't get to become a doctor due to them failing the tests etc. Or when i hear that a doctor went wayward, doing bad things, i will say to myself, Thank God i didn't;t end up being one. Truth is, I'm a sad little person who can never come back from knowing that she can’t be who want to be, because of the wrong turn I've made in life. I took one mistaken lane, and that's it, the pave has been all wrong since then. While I'm at it, let me tell you a little secret too. I never had the courage to watch any kind of medical drama/movie because it just like being slapped right on the face. until today, i still cannot face the fact that I've failed, and knew the fact that I've failed a long time ago.

Ever since then, I'm just a lazy drifter who simply takes everything for granted. Like when i had bad job, i blame the company, the people i work with, the education I've had. When i had bad financial, I blame my father, i blame the economy, i blame the state of things around me.

I’m just not brave enough to accept the fact that I've failed, and pick up my life for better. For years, all I'm doing is simply punishing myself for things i could not be, for things i could not have, for moments I've lost.

I don’t even know how to be right again. Like i said, such a coward, aren’t I?

fortunate accidents

i want to believe in destiny. in fate. in every dreams and hopes.
i want to believe that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, that silver lining does exist and really shines through.
i want to believe that bad can be good, just as easy as good becomes bad.
i want to love with all my heart, feel the fullness of being so much cared and thought for, just as much as i feel the pain and hurt.
i want it all to be fair, for every downtime balance with good times. every laughter for each tears.
i want to be able to smile, not because i want to please, or look like I'm in the loop, but to smile with apprehension, full of visions and understanding of life, and able to accept it all.
i want to take it in, just as easy as i throw it out.
i don’t want to be this cold hearted monster, who waived every pain as yet another fleck of dust, amounting to nothingness.

i believe that there could happen, where it is a destiny of two people to be together, no matter how long it takes, how hard the struggle. i believe that i don’t shake your hand with no purpose, being able to single you out from all those people at one glance with no reason. somewhere, somehow, i do believe that my instinct will be right. just look at how fate intertwined us together. i knew her first, yet i know she’s your closest friend. i met her first, yet the first time i saw her with you at that mall, i have understood. being bind by fate, i think we ought to take the best out of this mess, and find our one true calling.

frankly i don't know. this road, this path, where it will lead me. whether you’ll walk with me, or i will forever gaze at your shadow, never able to have you as a whole.

i frankly have no idea.

who is without problems? fight, fight till the end

point of no return

staying up in the blackest of night, i stood by the darkest and most contemptuous abyss, yet again seeing myself dragged down into what seems like the gulf of garbage.

somehow, with some mean realization, i seemed to be awaken, and to admit bitterly, that all along, there was no forces that had been dragging me into the pit. forever, i was the one standing at the edge of destruction, i was the one willing to give in to my nastiest desire, eaten alive by the endless lust that has been burning me to ashes.

i fear for my soul. i fear for what's left of me if i continue to devour my own selfishness. i had not known any life out of it, but i wish to get up, get out of this caged i seemed to prison myself in.

i can’t recall the day when i haven’t met this monster, only to remember the very day i stepped into the darkness. and since then, all it seemed was that i was then only being in and out of it, like a person on the verge of drowning. i keep trying to stay afloat, to be myself, to have the breath of fresh air – yet my own humiliating desire keep hauling me back into the bottom of the sea.

i want to be free. i want out.

tick tock tick tock

well, i haven't been writing in a while here. and also, i am rarely write without an actual purpose. but today, with some little time i have to spare, i thought of blogging. (OK now that sound cheesy)

I had just finished reading my dear friend's blog. Who happened to live in Holland now, or migrated, i should say. She looks like having a lot of fun there, doing the cooking and the touring. Not to mention gardening. Jeez girl, i think Holland really put fun with capital F in your world. If we go back few years before, who would have thought that you, of all people, to do the cooking and gardening? And fretting about how her cooking is sometime good, sometime bad, but all the time eatable. And i also remember reading about some plant that grows, some flowers that had blossomed. Well, the last i saw you, the only thing you fret about is whether your shoes matching with your whole ensemble, among others petty little things. (oh i still remember our tagline whenever we want to go out on weekends - "barn leng leng". Sadly, nobody say that to me anymore nowadays.)

How time flies. Even faster than we think it is. Often, i find myself struggling - still playing that old catch-up game. I used to hope for a change, but when i think again, i find myself not wanting anything to change actually. I'd rather stay boring and stay put, than to have things shaken around me. I'd rather take the same old road every single step i walk through, than to walk different path and find (or having to face) different obstacles. am i that lazy? or just plain chicken-hearted? well maybe both.

I admire people who is willing to take up new things everyday. Their courage inspire me, but that's all. i dare not step in their shoes, living the adrenalin-pumping life for real. i don't think i can cope, or able to enjoy it.

so here i am, still the same me even year after year. nothing really happened, except for things i have no control over. i seemed to guard my heart too much it started to do nothing all. hey should i be worried?

and why on earth am i writing about this 'flaw' in my system now? maybe i'm started to realize that it wasn't a good thing to stay put, and dodge the changes every time and everywhere i go. maybe i started to try and make amend of the time i'd lost. well maybe.

i want the change to happen, yet i am too scared to face anything that comes with it. and don't tell me nothing will happen, i know well that its all come in package. good and bad.

regardless, for now, i still want to stay put. i still want things to be the same. so i pray to God, to keep everyone i love healthy and well. to just give me courage to get through life, to face the obstacles. i ask for strength to fight the very own monster i have in me. i shall be happy with these small steps.

InsyaAllah.

End this post with a pic taken in Bali, at sunrise. Although now it looks a lot like sunset too, isn't it? At a village called Lovina, a lovely place where tourist come to be on boat and chasing the dolphins. I actually pity the dolphin who can't have their peaceful morning swim session with all the boats all around them, but then, i'm one of the human on boat. So I wish for the dolphin to have peaceful time for some other day instead. :)

first jump

i think I've mentioned before that one day, one fine day...i wish to write a novel, to become an author. Not for money, fame, or anything - but somehow, i feel like i have a lot of things going on inside my mind that I wish to someday share with whoever wishes to listen. I am not much of a talker, i don't really express how i truly feel when talking, even when 1-on-1, but, I do become very very frank and honest when i pen down what i have in mind into some kind of writings.

so today i have decided to finally start it. well, not to say decided, cause i have this decision (to write) long ago in my heart, even unashamedly spoken about it to friends who ask, but more on finally finding the courage and most importantly inspiration to begin. what's or who's the inspiration factor? i promise, once this novel done, i will tell what  & who behind it.

pray that this urge and courage remains throughout the whole project. pray that I will not give up as I usually and relentlessly do. pray that my wish will come true.

i have no experience on authoring a novel, i have no actual lesson on writing - but regardless i will jump in this project, headfirst! but i have to say, i am now seriously thinking about taking a course in literature. I wonder how that will be.

only i minor thing though. on this first novel, i will write in my mother tongue. I've had always contemplating between writing in English or Malay, but i suppose, let me try with Malay first - and then one day, once my English had become much better literally, i will surely write in English next.

wish me luck! :)

note: only - i am still wondering how i'm going to juggle between work and this little project, since lately, i've started to bring home some works, as 8 hours simply not enough! this job really chewing me out.

music. i. love.

i love music. i love good melody, good lyrics. i appreciate the music, even when i’m not much of a singer.

but i was born in a family of non-musicians. no one in my family actually a musician, no one in my circle of friends actually in a band or anything remotely close to that. we karaoke, yes. but being a musician, no. regardless, that doesn’t stop my father from going to that karaoke place every night after he separated from my mom, or stop my mom from singing in the kitchen, or stop my brothers from singing every single day in the shower, or stop my twin brothers from buying knock-off guitars from his friend, or stop my baby sisters from recording songs from thee radio and listen it on their cheap mobile phone. hmm, now that i wrote this down, i began to realize that my whole family were quite heavily influenced by music. my third brother can actually sings, and have a lot of guts doing it.

i listen to music everyday on my way to work, i listen to music whenever it gets too noisy, or too quiet at work. i listen to music and smile. i listen to music and cry. i don’t know how to explain it, but music to me is like a comfort food. you need it when you need it. and with the kind of life i have, i sort of needed it all the time.

i love the seemingly freedom those musician have.

oh and i recently fall for that particular malaysian born guitarist agcoco from hujan band.

it’ll be my turn one day.

harbouring a feeling to someone who don’t see you the way you see them is difficult, but it seemed to be my only way of getting through life. i know, its cowardice not to tell them your feeling and everything, but i don’t think i will be strong enough to be with someone whom i loved, but i can’t be sure if that person truly loves me, or just being with me because i tell him that i love him. such complicated feeling.

ever since i was introduce to him, maybe about two years ago, my heart has been in its confuse mode. at that time, i was still so fragile – having to step up & out of my comfort zone, i see everything and everyone as a temporary being, and i have no trust. i am like a kid trying to explore the world for the first time -  so i am constantly feeling scared. i was so scared to be hurt again. yet when i set my eyes on him for the very first time, i can’t help but to wish that he’s mine.

well maybe it was because of his look, or his good manners. such down to earth, humble person. its hard not to like him.

slowly, i get to know him as a colleague. he never disappoint me, and stays the same well mannered handsome guy i met on my first day at that department. although we don’t talked much, or when we do it was mostly about work, we do get along quite well. like i said, he’s juts this nice eligible guy. hard to miss.

then i learned about this sketchy affair with this girl from another department. well, it became such a hit topic among other colleagues due to their apparently unmatched status – she’s married, while he’s a single guy. stories after stories surfaced, yet he still the same good guy. only with highly questionable affair. i did my observation too, and yes, they were close. if i didn’t know that the girl is married, i would have guess that they were a couple. that close and intimate.

but anyhow that never stop me from liking him. i am that crazy masochist – i seemed to always be in the dire situation of being hurt. because it hurt seeing how close they are, hurt hearing stories about their affairs, hurt knowing that she is the apple of his eyes. i remember saying his name in my prayers, wishing that fate will eventually bring us together for i had fall for him. i fall deep and hard, and until the next pain train available, i will stuck at this station of painfully crushing at someone who don’t even notice my existence.

i even secretly hating the girl. i hate her for having him. for having such a good life. for being such great girl. i hate the fact that i can never be as good as her.

then we went on trip together, i actually stand just few steps apart between the two lovebirds. to actually witnessing their relationship makes me realize that when its meant to be, no matter what stands in between, fate wins. yes she’s married, but that doesn’t stop them from looking so good together. this is coming from someone who like the guy a lot, i see that their chemistry is so well blend its such a shame the girl is married. they look so good together.

right now, i don’t even understand my feeling. i like the guy, a lot. but i also don’t want to stand in between their great relationship. i was so surprise with myself when i find myself wishing that the girl isn’t married, or something happen and then they can finally be rightfully together. i get mad listening to the others gossiping about the two, wishing to tell them off that those two don’t deserved to be talked like that. somehow i feel like love can happen at the most unpredictable situation, and when it did, who knows how we can conquer it. not everyone get fortunate to find the love ones in the right condition, right time. 

i wish them all the best & i wish them to be finally together. as for me, for now i just want to focus on what lies ahead of me, for i know my time will come. it will be my turn one fine day. I'm sure of it. InsyaAllah.

….

I know the time will come,
When I will eventually get through all of these,
I’ve read an article that said,
Memories do fade, as time goes by – little by little,
So long as you stop holding on to it.

I’ve let you go a long time a go,
Maybe even before you decide to leave,
I have probably closed the door before you even finally decided to enter,
Or perhaps I was the who opened the door and let you fly.

Either way, what was once ours, now is gone.
What was once a hope, now turns to ashes, scattered onto the field of deadness.

So the time will come, eventually, soon
I will forget your birthday, your home address, your email.
I will forget your favourite books, or that song you send to me.
I will forget what car you drive, and what company you work for.
I will forget how good you look in that blue shirt, or how your voice sounded like,
I will forget how you think of me as a great friend, and how you always talk me into agreeing with your idea.
I will forget how you’re always so frank, and how i thought you won’t lie.
I will forget the fights we’ve had, or the laughs we’ve shared.
I will forget the hope i had for you, for us, for what we could have.

But mostly, I wish, I will forget how hard it is for me to forget you, to let you go, to be free.

skirts

oh well, i’m so rarely put a title that truly reflect whatever i am going to write, until even i feel amused by how ‘direct’ above title is.

I'm currently oh-so-obsessed by how cool and lady-like it seems to  be with skirts. well, long skirts to be exact. (short skirts are fine, only that it isn't very practical for me to contemplate.)

so sine tonight i feel abit – err, not so vege – like i always feel, so i spend a good hour browsing through the net to find some cool looking skirts. i wish i can afford them, and wear them as nicely as the models wearing them. (ohhh, this statement is so lame. I am so done with ‘im not good looking enough to wear this and that’. Nowadays i really just wear whatever i feel like!)

My dear favourite designer website, Marchesa, is currently down. So I was left with other websites. Lucky for me, I found some cool pieces anyway.

I think the fact that it look so effortlessly stylish that get me hooked!

broken dreams

today i read a story about a girl who tried to take her life after being dumped by her boyfriend. of course what she did was stupid, but i sort of feel pity for her. everyone knows that love don’t last, but love was not even the thing that hurt the most.

so what is? well, to me, i find that when things like that happened, being dumped, being left, abandoned…it was never the lost love that break me. its the broken dreams, the shattering glasses of my crystal hope that hurt me.

love come and go. but hope, how do you actually build again that broken hope? seriously, i salute those who able to do that. those who managed to build themselves again after such despairing episode. i salute, and i want them to know that they are the lucky ones. because personally, that part of building-back was the hardest to me. in fact, that was the very part that i am still not knowing where to begin.

i like this video. and the melody of this song. and the lyrics.

a monster today

i was being a real pain-in-the-ass today. i snapped at friend who was truly being a bit more caring. i answer the phone with monotone. i smile perhaps just a pinch. then for the rest of the day, i sort of drift off in my own world.

i hate it. i hate that monster. i want to be myself again.

it’ll all get better in time…

…will it?

Shake It Out

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

….i’ll continue striving to find the days when the door truly closed.

credit to: Florence + The Machine – Shake It Out

down with the flu

I was down with some nasty flu & fever over the weekend. Well, somehow my wish did came true. I did not do any work during the weekend, in fact – i did not do anything at all. Literally.

I don’t remember having flu & fever this bad before. Normally, I can still at least function. But what happened last weekend was totally unexpected. I fall flat.  No energy – despite my constant drinking of Vitagen. My throat was burning, and I can only bring myself to drink the Vits. Not sure how that is affecting me, good or bad.

I wish for this sickness never happen again, and with that, i’m going to be more careful with my diets, daily activities, ensuring that i have enough rest and so on. I’d rather be occasionally upset finding i have a lot to do than to try and do a lot of things and drive myself crazy again. (Hopefully boss get the hint too! I’m not young la, late 20s already…)

Tonight I'm finding myself missing my work. Haha. I know, as if that even possible. I also know that as soon as I step my feet on the building tomorrow, the feeling will change. It’s just – I don’t feel good not working. I’m constantly worried. (this is the exact same feeling I felt when I was a lot younger, when it rains in the morning, I cried when mom said I don’t have to go to school. the very thought of missing out freak me to no ends.)

Anyhow, despite being sick, I manage to download and read The Hunger Games. Not yet finish, but goodness, I lost count of how many times I almost cry reading it. Such inspirational book.

Going to get my beauty sleep now. Night world.

this one for you

one step at a time

sure. that’s easier said that done.
truth is, i feel like every time i seem to be able to make even one slight step ahead, there will surely be hurdles and lots of barriers – only to be overcome by two (or more) steps backward.
so unfortunately, i will remain at the same stop. well, only with probably different scene.

this sure sounds like somebody who has given up. or trying to blame all her misery to the unavoidable fate and tragedies of life.

what else can she does?

eternal flames.

feels like I've used this title before, but can’t find the post. ohh, whatevs.

you know the saying that goes like this, “best thing happened when you least expect them to”. well, all i can say is best thing that you have been craving for, prayed earnestly for and hopelessly hoped for - did happened, when you least expect it! After weeks of worthless wait, i finally get the chance to be in the same lift with him. (ok, you may laugh now. my super thing may not be as enthralled as others might have, but I'm so grateful that it did happened.)

one thing that i can never forget, the smile. oh ay ay…that ferocious smile that seems to be taking my breathe away each time i see it. like that even possible, right? i think my smile in return was more like…goofy. well you know, those smile that was too big, too much, not sexy at all, far from seducing or enchanting.

he attempted a small talk. we did seemed awkward to be alone together like that anyway, cause somehow the topic is always the same – about my SV. i guess that's what linked us together anyway. who cares about the topic when all i hoped for was to listen to him talking, walking with him on my way back, say “bye, see you” to him at the stairs. ha-ha. oh yeah and did i care about the other person who was in the same lift as us? *don't even remember the face!*

he was such a charming person. and why, such charming person being involved in such sinful act, i could never understand. i don't even want to get into that either.

well i like him like that. admire – that's probably the right word. i am not trying to be such a negative person, but there’s no way he will feel the same way about me. but I'm good with that also. i don't know if i can handle such emotional thing with a person i know from work. that ought to be a handful.

so i admire him, like a painter, admiring the beautiful scenery, while it lasts. trying to take in as much as i can with my artsy eyes, and trying to translate such bespoken beauty onto my….err, sketchbook?

sweet dreams. may i dream of him again tonight, just like the one before ;p

twenty-twelve

so here come another year. how will i fare? i’d say, only God knows, but i will do my best to make it a good year. anyhow – i have few things in lines to get to through the year..so, somehow, i do look forward to this year.

Jan – kick off my diet plan (i know, not a new thing. in fact this is like a revisit, caused i did it years before. lesson learnt, once you go for a diet, never stop – or at least look at what you eat. else you will see that all those hard works goes in flame!). also to start piggy-banking on these (in order): 1. clear off debts (cards & also my bros), 2. a house, 3. a car

Feb – to be updated

Mar – a promotion maybe? and hopefully a big fat healthy bonus.

Apr – Jogja!

May – Bali!

June – to be updated

July – to be updated

Aug – to be updated

Sept – Kuching!

Oct – to be updated

Nov – to be updated (probably planning for family vacay)

Dec – to be updated

Well, i still have lots to plan. Will put it up properly once i get it in place. haha, what am i saying – ugh, whatevs.

I wish for a good year ahead!