How do I feel?

My bestie had decided to resign from her dreadful job. It was a tough decision for her, and I would say she did it at the right time. We work in the same office, only in different department. Seeing her suffer with her job every single day is damnly killing. So, when she finally said that she would resign and leave the company, I took that as a great decision.

Only that I did not prepared for that thing to happen sooner that I had expected.

Previously she said it will be in early June. So I told myself, okay, you have around two months to be ready for it. And then, when something shitty happened in her department, she decided to resign earlier, and when she told me about it, she was about to resign on the very next day. I guess I had been even speechless to myself.

I have been trying to put up a good smile every time she talks about her resignation. It will definitely be a good choice for her career and future, considering how unfavorable her department job now. But if I start to think about our friendship, something inside me is breaking. And God knows how it feels…

I don’t have many friends, because I don’t trust people. I am always sarcastic. To me, whoever close to you will end up as a back-stabber. And yes, I guard my heart from any possibilities of being broken like it is a China vase. I don’t know how to deal with the pain, that’s why.

“What is the happiest moment in your life so far?”
I’d never have any firm answer for this question. Whenever people asked me this, I would tremble and scratching my head just to find a good presentable answers. But, truthfully, I don’t know when and what is the happiest moment in my life so far. I truly don’t know. If I were to answer that being with my family is the happiest moment in my life, I was not with them often. I am just like someone who belongs to them, but I was not there through their happiness or sadness. If I were to back-track and think carefully, being with someone whom I can truly call friends would be the best moment in my life. The feeling of being accepted, being part of the team, being a shoulder to cry on, would be the best moment. But then again, it’s all ended. The happiness had never stayed.

I remember being happy to hang out with Nana, my primary school friend. It was a great time. But we hardly contacted each other after that. I remember being happy with Atie, my secondary school bestmate. But after that, again, we hardly being in contact. Then I remember being happy with Ila, with all her witty and funny personalities. At that time, being with her, and Tina, was the only thing that I treasure at that secondary school. I hate that school so much that I don’t even want to remember anything about it. After all, nothing much to be remembered. Then I remember telling my self not to give my heart to any friendship anymore, for that it won’t last. It will always end up in separation, departure. So that’s how I begin controlling my feeling when it comes to friendship, and just give what is expected, rather than what I should give as a friend. Even though I have a bunch of friends, a very good one, but I never take them as so dearly to my heart. It is more on casualty; I need them so that I won’t look as if I was being left-out or something. I am still one of them, and they are still part of my friend-circle. Just that, no hard-feeling, not much commitment, and most importantly, no expectation. I don’t know if that can be called as friendship, or it is just a relationship of few women who in the end, still need each other. I remember Ata & Zha, two girls I met along the way of my uni time. I was close to them, but I remember being so cautious so that I won’t fall into the tricky world of friendship. They did touch my heart when they gave me the bracelet for my birthday, but I was so stubborn, and never let them in. After we graduated, as expected, the friendship ended. Good that I had never put any feeling on them; I was saved from being miserable of losing, again.

I know all these sounds crazy. It was as if I’m not human. I’m heartless. But, this is the best I can do for myself. I have the tendency of being very very depress. Good thing that I know what’s best for my heart, and I know when to save myself from all the heart-broken. I never blame any of them. It’s the inability of me to keep a friend after a separation makes me so careful. And I have succeeded so far.

But thing has changed, after I met them. Who are they? How they had changed me?

only she can do that

btw, me and my dear bestie is now back to normal...and i'm glad that the sweetness that i've tasted before is now in my tongue again *grin*

but a little incident happened today that made me realized the reason of me finding her so special in my life

We were talking like always, complaining about office stuffs and all. Since last year, whenever we talked about work and office and management, it has always been a very "tense" subject. And so today it is still the same. Each of us blurting about our dissatisfaction about our work. And then suddenly, just after i finished a sentence full of hatefulness towards my job, she answered me with

"...if you don't like the job, then stop complaining and leave"

I was so shocked with that sentence of her and found myself being mocked by an ugly feeling of distrust. And as an action of spontaneity, I raised up and said that we two should leave. (With sour face already masked). And guess what she did?

She pointed to me her teh tarik, which is still half the glass, and asked me to sit. Well, i have not known anyone so patient like that. I was so much into getting angry, and her act soften me like...err, i'm running out of words to describe it. Maybe its like beehoon being soaked in water..hehe. And then she explained to me that those words came from her sister, but in reality we still need someone to talk to. Someone to listen. Well maybe i can be sarcastic and take that as she is just plainly trying to "cool" me off, but damn it, who cares. Her act of coolness really cool me off at times.

but anyhow, if it wasn't her who said that, i would really fall into the grave of distrust that i had always buried myself in. Get me?

I was never a person who actually trust anyone. My sense of doubt had actually controlling my entire soul, making me someone who is always try to be careful in whatever that i get myself involved in. I never trust a friend for that i was once saw how they end up stabbing you from behind. I never trust my parents, for that now all of their good old promises was emptied and drained by the wrecked of their marriage.I never trust anyone, and as much as possible, I try not to depend on anyone. For years, the tough side of me has taken over any softness that i may have, making me someone who is always full of sarcasm. and i was very careful not to let my emotional self run over me, not until i met 6 of them.

it was hard from the start. for countless time, i had tried to run away. forget the damn thing of being a good close friend. but the more i run from it, the more my heart yearn for the comfort that they had offered. and so, there, i let my guarded heart tangled with theirs, and i put my whole-hearted trust upon them. hell with all the risk, i told myself to forget it.

so, when she mocked me by saying such things, it occurred to me that if i swallowed the words, i will soon plant the seed of distrust on her and our friendship. That will be the very last thing that i would want to do, for sure. And it feels like being hit by an old memory, because somewhere sometimes ago, someone talked to me on something like that, and even though i had accepted those "words", i never trust that someone anymore. I guess now i understand the feeling when your current action being shadowed by the past. Its killing...

lucky for me, i have a friend with great patience. and only she can do that...I'm sure of it.