3 days after

well i still can’t quite believe that it happened.

not sure if its because this is what i have been waiting and hoping for a really long time – but had no expectation that it WILL actually happen, or because i can still hear your voice, the voice that I've been missing for long, saying those words so-matter-factly.

“hey you know, i’ve engaged” those are your words. i remember hoping for this time, yet now i truly understand what it means by be careful with what you hope for. it’s ourworldly different.

its been tough days since. i tried to move on my life as usual, yet inside, i feel much lonelier than i’d ever felt before.

i guess you weren’t just a dot in my heart. in fact you’re many dots, filling up my heart, yet never really there.

i need to forget those feeling. you know that’s my one weakness.

the end

well, i always thought that you’d be the one. but now, it seems like its just get more impossible than ever.

it’s a heartbreak. but i think i’m quite ok. i know this will pass, just like any other things. so be it.

goodbye, and good luck.

pinprick

i am not even sure if that's a word. pin prick. its kind of a feeling, of pain, right? its not severe, yet it is still hurt. ha, i am not even sure if that kind of pain really suit whatever i am going through right now.

the thing is, i am feeling very much under the weather. i need someone to talk to, desperately, yet i do not want anyone to know about what i am going through, cause its very private. its personal.

i don't even know how many times I've been letting out some loud sigh. its inevitable. i think i am having a kind of depression, and i hope its not a bad ones. perhaps its just the kind that can be fixed by a cup of coffee.

however, I've been drinking almost a big mug of coffee since two hours ago, and this discomfort in my chest didn't really going anywhere.

let me just get straight to the point. at home, i have to face my mom whom nearing her menopause days, and also at the same time is a diabetic. she’s cranky, and very sensitive at all times. then there’s my two teenage brothers who just – well, being a teenager. they only thought of their feeling, and headstrong. on top of all these, my dad left us some two years ago, so i have to say, apart from the inevitable emotional turmoil, we also face some high degree of financial difficulties. i almost exclusively pouring all of my salary to the family benefits, yet nothing seems to be enough. i learnt the hard ways that keeping a family is not an easy thing, but its not really an option. besides, they are my happiness. then there’s also the job, which i don't see going anywhere. i may not be good, but i know i can do things, better than whatever i am doing now. but then, i always find myself being swopped by the tides, drowning me in the sea of endless works. some people said i was being bullied at work, and guess what, i don't even realize it! my daily goal – is to go back and sleep, cause that's the only time my brain is free from all the above.

i feel myself walking on thin ice. i cant make a wrong move, or I'll break it, and bring everyone i love with me down.

its just too big of a stake to carry on one’s shoulder.

epiphany

as i walked home today, i get a realization – much needed realization – on my life. It’s nothing peculiar, or supergreat, yet i think its important for me to get a firm understandng about life – my life for that matter.

so here it goes…

“I may have clung too hard onto the relationship that i had with him, even though it was far too short and too brief to be actually called a relationship. I was so “into” it until i go on telling people he’s my boyfriend, or someone who cheated on me, or someone who i could have a future with but it did not end up the way i had wished. I used to elaborate, improvise, or even alter some memories i had with him to make it believable. Although at most time i do admit that nothing really going on between us, i still sometimes mourn him as if he was actually my EX. It’s beyond crazy, I supposed.

I thought this firmness was due to love. I thought i really had fallen hard for him. Well, so much for a thinking.

Then tonight, I realize something that i should have seen years ago.

I was not love. It was never love, for i know that deep inside me, i’m quite incapable to truly love a person that much – for i have an inclination that people whom you loved too much will eventually fails you. So i really don’t give any love, for i know it was just a temporary pleasures, and my heart is too valuable to enjoy such temporary thing then got hurt and broken.

So what was it? It was hope. His good life giving me hope that he has the capacity and capabilities of overshadowing my own sad pathetic miserable  life.  I was hoping to get out of this circle I'm in, by his help. Because he was such a stable person, with stable mind state, stable life. And God knows i craved for such stability just so that my life is making sense even, if at all.

I was so hurt when that little “interaction” we had did not come to any conclusion, because, with him leaving, there goes my hope. There goes my stability.

So unless love is hope, then whatever that i had for him before was not love. And i think i can accept that you can’t just plant your hope on people who came by like he did, and i have to build that stability that i need by my own self.

It’s just, it is still a long way to go. But regardless…”

long pause

it seems like ages since the last time i wrote. so a lot has happened, and a lot still remain the same as it was before. in other words, that's what a normal life consist of, no?

i thought of writing about something else today. albeit my fugly appearance, what with me being a-little-overwight and all, i do love high fashion. each days i spent my good 2 hours (at least!) to browse on those fashions website, or those that features artists. well, they always look good, arent they? afterall, thats what they are being paid for. to look good in front of others eyes. how lucky.

anyhow, let just go straight to the point. maybe for this time, I'll share some of my recent eye-candy…(at first i wanted to do it nicely, with photoshop and all, but who knows my license expired and i cant find the f----ing CD. ergh.)

My first and supermost favourite are those dresses from Marchesa. In fact, this fashion power house was the one name that brought me to this land of high fashion. I think, even the name sounds so elegant!

But at the moment, I also like some of these dresses from Erdem,

also, these from Sherri Hill are quite interesting too!

then, one particular evening dress (is it?) from Monique Lhuillier below

and a nice body-fit bandage dress from Herve Leger. oh, make that two!

Then this amazingly simple (to my eyes) gingham dress from Chanel

And a chic dress from Christian Cota

and many many more. I will update more picks next time around!

And on another note, given the chance to stand next to you, having the feeling of my blouse against your shirt, smelling your sweet aftershave and hearing your voice so near to my ears – definitely put a pause in my heart beat. Actually, it’s almost like, it beats too fast and it is also stop at the same time. How magical is that!

And if only you knew how i really feel about you…hmmm…*off to sing Eternal Flame tune to accompany my blooming heart*