i'm touched!
you remember i told you about our big brother, whom i believed had unintended-ly delaying his payment to me, and never message me about it...
just now i opened my email, and found out that he had sent me an email explaining about the late payment and that he was sorry and he will make sure the payment will be cleared by end of this month.
well, frankly i don't give a damn about that payment (eventhough i'm dead broke now!)
i was so touched that he cared to explain, and seems like i put my trust on the right person. pheww~
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my baby is too cute!
when i was at the office today, my mind kept on thinking about the safety of my baby, whom i put in my wardrobe at home. Actually, i put it together at the same place where i put (read: hide) my laptop, but i dare say i'm more worried about my baby than the laptop. Bias..i know ;P
earlier this morning i had hard times to decide whether to leave my baby at home or bring it along to office. both ways don't actually sounds convincing, and not safe. it broke my heart when i finally decided to leave my baby at home.
i'm totally stroked by love at first sight, with my dear dear baby! (*continue pampering my baby lalala~)
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i'm not a hard-worker, but i do mind greatly when there's job undone!
today was my last day at work, before my "quite" long holiday starting from tomorrow. I've tried my best to finish all the tasks that had been assigned to me before today, but things happened. i had only managed to fork out two modules, out of eight that i was supposed to finish. slow and snail style.
i feel bad to my superior. yes, of course she's capable of covering the job for me. but i don't feel good. i don't feel good to let people down.
as the result of my absent and my incapability of finishing the modules on time, they had decided to extend the project duration till 10th of Oct. Good things indeed, so at least i can get involve again once I'm back from my holiday.
but heck, how much can i do for a mere three days, (8th - 10th)? I'm just a programmer, a noob in fact, not a magician you know!
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i like cyndi wang. yeah she's childish, act cute etc etc. but i do like cute people who act cute. on the other hand, i damn hate people who is totally not cute, one whom if u say cute u can see yourself puke, trying to act cute. i damn hate and i can be very rude to that kind of person. and i'm very rude, you know that.
so while i'm away this weekend, do me a favor and go get cyndi's mp3 for all your friends can?? ;P special request on "ai ni". i like~
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ok this post shall end here. i'm sleepy and tomorrow need to go settle something before heading to Bukit Jalil station. i had never been there before, so i'm not sure yet how long it will took. (i'm not sure the route to that station either. tomorrow will definitely do a try-and-error thingy. wish me luck!) and one more thing, i won't be so "lucky" to be involve in any train accident right? (ok you can go find wood to touch now, i know my mouth is like that one heeeee..)
till then, you know i will always miss you. oh ya if you sms me and i don't reply immediately, that means my phone is inside the drawer and i was somewhere else. so don't get upset ya. i will try my best of course to entertain you ;P
see you, daa~
Friday, September 26, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
a mute person craving for ice-cream and duit raya!
ok, the title is totally unrelated, i simply put that. Since i have no specific topic to blog about, so i will go with many topics instead ;P.
I had been "muted" for two days in a row!
Sigh, i had never had such a bad case of ulcer before. Of course i had ulcer one or two times in the past, but usually the position will be somewhere where i felt pain but i still can talk. but not this time :(. i think i got at least two ulcers at the back of my tongue, which as the result, i was unable to move my tongue at all! whenever i force myself to talk/chew food, it will be so painful that i was so near to tears. i rather not talking than to feel the pain, so i started to put on my msn status as "sorry not talking today" as a sign that i will not entertain any verbal communication due to this ulcers i had. but then, after two full days of not talking, i kinda feel my tongue started to cramp! it's scary, so now, even though painful, i try to talk bit by bit to myself. haha, sounds crazy, but i don't want to "paralyze" my tongue ok!
and tonight alone, i've applied Bonjela for fourth times now ;P i want to recover very soon and start talking again.
Oh i'm craving for this...
McDonald's Oreo McFlurry. But with my ulcers, i don't think it's wise to have this sinfully creamy-icy-chunky drink. Is it a drink? Or is it an ice-cream type of thing? heee..i'm not sure, but i really crave for it. (btw even though i can see myself indulging in this drink for quite sometimes after this, it's a bit painful when i think about the price. RM 5.50 for half a cup of vanilla ice-cream and chunks of Oreo biscuit is ridiculous. why make it so addictive lerr???? ;P)
preparation for Duit Raya - done!
i managed to exchange some money for duit raya (malay for ang pau) today. Alhamdullillah, this year will be the third time i managed to give out duit raya. Although this year the amount will be a lot lesser, i guess its the thought that counts, right? I like giving out duit raya, because it reminds me of my childhood to see them smiling when i hand the money packet to them.
I love this song - I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
Have you listen to it? If not go see it here, i find it too nice!
That's all for now, i'm running out of brain juice to think haha.
p/s : Did you see the widget i put on the right side of this blog? Go figure what i'm thinking ;P
p/p/s : I've replied to both your comments. =)
I had been "muted" for two days in a row!
Sigh, i had never had such a bad case of ulcer before. Of course i had ulcer one or two times in the past, but usually the position will be somewhere where i felt pain but i still can talk. but not this time :(. i think i got at least two ulcers at the back of my tongue, which as the result, i was unable to move my tongue at all! whenever i force myself to talk/chew food, it will be so painful that i was so near to tears. i rather not talking than to feel the pain, so i started to put on my msn status as "sorry not talking today" as a sign that i will not entertain any verbal communication due to this ulcers i had. but then, after two full days of not talking, i kinda feel my tongue started to cramp! it's scary, so now, even though painful, i try to talk bit by bit to myself. haha, sounds crazy, but i don't want to "paralyze" my tongue ok!
and tonight alone, i've applied Bonjela for fourth times now ;P i want to recover very soon and start talking again.
Oh i'm craving for this...
McDonald's Oreo McFlurry. But with my ulcers, i don't think it's wise to have this sinfully creamy-icy-chunky drink. Is it a drink? Or is it an ice-cream type of thing? heee..i'm not sure, but i really crave for it. (btw even though i can see myself indulging in this drink for quite sometimes after this, it's a bit painful when i think about the price. RM 5.50 for half a cup of vanilla ice-cream and chunks of Oreo biscuit is ridiculous. why make it so addictive lerr???? ;P)
preparation for Duit Raya - done!
i managed to exchange some money for duit raya (malay for ang pau) today. Alhamdullillah, this year will be the third time i managed to give out duit raya. Although this year the amount will be a lot lesser, i guess its the thought that counts, right? I like giving out duit raya, because it reminds me of my childhood to see them smiling when i hand the money packet to them.I love this song - I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
Have you listen to it? If not go see it here, i find it too nice!
That's all for now, i'm running out of brain juice to think haha.
p/s : Did you see the widget i put on the right side of this blog? Go figure what i'm thinking ;P
p/p/s : I've replied to both your comments. =)
Monday, September 22, 2008
high-school reunion
well, luckily i didn't follow my "chickened" heart ad back-off from this reunion. It's all worth it!
This reunion is for those who was in the same batch as me during our lower secondary school. From their faces, i can tell that same as me, for us, those time are the best of our life. That's where life began. That's where life gets spicy and heated up. That's where we first find what love truly means. That's where we do our first "school level" crime. That's where it's all began.
Life at that time was pretty much fun and simple. School, morning assembly, evening prep class, night prep class, and lights off. All the basic routine. That's where i first learn how to mingle with people who come from a totally different background from myself, and to set myself at the level on where it should be.
Even though those that i met just now was not those who really close to me during the school time, but still, we know each other. Not many from my class turned up, only three of us to be exact. Most of it from some other classes. But we still can share the laugh and stories. We still can gossip like we were small kids. We missed the time when we were there in that school.
One of my schoolmate turned out to be a total gay. Haha. He was such a fun person to hang out with. One person is now embarking on online business. Then another one trying his luck on photography (he took most of the photos, including a personal portraiture of each of us, i hope those photos turned up ok ;P). Some work with big-good company, some others were just like me, who work on "normal" company. There's one couple who has been with each other since Form 2! So many things were shared in just a few hours of outing.
As for me, i was glad that i managed to force myself to join this outing. I want to be out of my looney-shell and meet up with more people. i want to be a normal person, one that i had never been able to be. I want to be free from all those "sickening" cocoon i've been hiding myself in.
I hope i will have much more courage next time. Anyhow, i would say that this is obviously a good start.
p/s : there's this one person just now who had actually caught my attention. hee-hee.
This reunion is for those who was in the same batch as me during our lower secondary school. From their faces, i can tell that same as me, for us, those time are the best of our life. That's where life began. That's where life gets spicy and heated up. That's where we first find what love truly means. That's where we do our first "school level" crime. That's where it's all began.
Life at that time was pretty much fun and simple. School, morning assembly, evening prep class, night prep class, and lights off. All the basic routine. That's where i first learn how to mingle with people who come from a totally different background from myself, and to set myself at the level on where it should be.
Even though those that i met just now was not those who really close to me during the school time, but still, we know each other. Not many from my class turned up, only three of us to be exact. Most of it from some other classes. But we still can share the laugh and stories. We still can gossip like we were small kids. We missed the time when we were there in that school.
One of my schoolmate turned out to be a total gay. Haha. He was such a fun person to hang out with. One person is now embarking on online business. Then another one trying his luck on photography (he took most of the photos, including a personal portraiture of each of us, i hope those photos turned up ok ;P). Some work with big-good company, some others were just like me, who work on "normal" company. There's one couple who has been with each other since Form 2! So many things were shared in just a few hours of outing.
As for me, i was glad that i managed to force myself to join this outing. I want to be out of my looney-shell and meet up with more people. i want to be a normal person, one that i had never been able to be. I want to be free from all those "sickening" cocoon i've been hiding myself in.
I hope i will have much more courage next time. Anyhow, i would say that this is obviously a good start.
p/s : there's this one person just now who had actually caught my attention. hee-hee.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
I dont know what title to put
I was not happy with things that happened to me recently. You know of what things I’m talking about.
Anyway, as for you, you can even say that I faux the entire story. It’s all a made-up tale where someone confessed that he had a feeling on me. I won’t blame you if you ever think of that, cause 1) I showed you no proof of what-so-ever, 2) I was proudly rejecting it, yet again, as if so many guys courting me, and I have the habit of rejecting people. Even for me, it was hard enough to believe that things had been so messed up like this. Even though I did sense something “funny” going on, but I had never foreseen such thing will happened. I had never foreseen him to actually confess it.
Do you know how I feel when I first read his sms? Oh, actually I was not so sure which one came first, his calls or his sms-es. I was sleeping at that time, remember? But at some point, when my phone keeps ringing, I was kicked by some sense to see the phone, and that’s when I saw his sms-es. If I remembered it correctly, altogether were at least more than 3 sms-es. He talked about his so-called feeling. Pardon me for being blatant, but he did sound a bit of a desperate person. Promptly, I woke up from my “intended” sleep and re-read the sms-es. But I could not read it fully, as every time I read his sms-es, it made me feel mad and angry of whatever that he came into, and I felt humiliated as well. So I ended up deleting all his sms-es, and I don’t even bother to reply him. There were also some missed calls. I hate to see the number of missed calls he made.
I was angry because we were supposed to be just friend. I know I made the rule of saying that, girl and guy can never be friend. But somehow, I have no feeling on him at all. I did sense that he had something on me, and that’s when I started to avoid him. So did that still considered as I was dropping him a hint that there could be a chance between us? Am I flirting with him? Did I play with his feeling? All I could see was I did drop him a hint, by avoiding him, to tell him that I want things to stop and back to where they used to be. I want nothing of him.
And I was humiliated. He was my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. I was there all along their relationship. I was there when it’s started, and I was also there when it was ended. Like I said, I was there all along. How can he be so insensitive to think that I will accept him by my side, and to forget all that, and to face my friend? It’s unacceptable.
I know you’ve said your opinion to me before, and you’ve said that you’re okay with all these dating-my-bestfriend-ex thingy. I have to be frank. I was frustrated to find that we don’t share the same opinion on this, like many other things that we did. Because apparently, this is something that’s truly unacceptable. Even though somebody may say, it’s ok; I will not trust it easily. So I will try to convince you once again. Imagine that, your relationship came to its end because of the reason that you’ve always knew, your family and his family will not tolerate your relationship.
Then imagine again that after maybe few months, I am telling you that I am with him. I am dating him, and our family was okay with it. So in other words, we may have a future together. I know you’ve said before; you don’t mind that because you want him to be happy. But imagine that since I am now with him, every gathering we had, I was with him not just as his friend, but now his dearly girlfriend, and you, you’re the ex. Imagine yourself seeing him treating me nicely, the way he used to treat you. Imagine that you have to accept him as part of your life, not as your dearly boyfriend, but as you’re best friend’s love partner.
Not just that, you may need to attend our wedding (even thought you’ve told me before that you want to attend his wedding), imagine that I’m the bride, me, your best friend. Imagine yourself saying congratulation to me, and I’m now your dearly-ex’s wife. OK, if until this part you still say you’re okay with it, I have nothing to say. Surely you have the heart of a saint. But even so, I am now his wife, what if he still has feeling for you? What if he chooses me because he knows that we’re close, and so he gets the chance to always see you? In other words, I’m just a nicely fit rebound girl.
Yes, he may say he has feeling for me, but who can stand the fact when you’re hanging around with your boyfriend and his dearly-ex? I am surely don’t want to get hurt, and since now I can prevent it, I will put upon my life to avoid it. And then, what about us? Me and you, can our feeling still be the same? For God sake, we dated the same guy! And God knows which one of us is in his heart truly. Yes, of course he can say to me that I’m the one, and then he can also say to you that you’re the one. Of course nobody will know that. But who want to live with lies? Who want to live surround by a glass, which can anytime being pricked and shattered? One thing for sure and in fact I’m very sure about it now, is that I won’t forsake a friendship over a guy. Not ever. Even if I had to choose between poisoning myself and neglecting a friendship, I will rather die. Call it my principe. Call it a stupid principe. Whatever
Of course I’m not a perfect friend. I was never the most sought after best friend. I hurt my friends all the time. But for something that’s very obvious like this, will I still be stupid and follow whatever lies ahead of me? No, I’m definitely smarter than that. I know you may wonder, that If I know that guy and girl can never be friend, then why did I agreed to go out with him at that time. You know how I had always whined to you about me not having many friends, and about my behavior towards people around me. You also know that for some weird reason, I just can’t “click” with even your boyfriend. So, with that kind of thinking, I sort of want to prove myself that I was not weird after all. That’s when I decided to give it a go.
That’s when I decided to meet him, well, for “just a friend” sake of thing. I thought this is normal. If only I knew that it would lead to this, I would rather be called a snob. He had also mentioned his dinner with my other friend, so that added up to my consideration on seeing a movie with him. And if this is acceptable, I was also sticking up on him for the sake of my RM 300 that he borrowed almost two years back. (But I dare not asked!) I sounded selfish to have all this reasoning, but I feel like this is a proof to show that I have no intention of starting any relationship with him at all.
And most importantly, I realized the gravity of my mistake in the middle of the show, and that’s when I started to “create” most convincing excuse to break away from the outing. I left him immediately after the show ended, walked to the bus stop, messaging you on how miserable I felt (which I truly feel miserable at that time), and get back in to the mall after I was very sure that he was gone. I found out that I was so much comfortable being all alone there.
Not only that, that outing made me so miserable to think that how it had ruined my life. If any of my friends saw us, rumors will start to flow and creating ugly malicious lies and perception. My first movie with a guy was with him, someone I don’t even had any feeling on. My first lunch was with him, even my first time being with a guy in a mall was with him! Call me childish, but it’s all counted. I hate him for ruining that. I hate myself for being so naïve and so scared of “not having a friend” and agree to the outing. I hate myself a lot at that time and I hate myself at this moment. I will always hate myself for this.
In case you feel like I’m taking into a lot of consideration upon what my friend is thinking, then yeah, that’s my character. Even though I may not make any obvious effort on maintaining a friendship, but I do worship friendship as one of the gift in life. I do care of what my friend thinks of me. I do care of my friend’s feeling, no matter how bad she treated me. I do care a lot.
When I say that he wasn’t the one for me, do you think I just made that up? Do you think I said that because of I am still waiting for B? Let me tell you something that I will never be able to tell you when we are face to face. Well, you know me. I am used to guarding my feeling with utmost effort, that now it become a habit of being discreet and enclosed. Anyway, the truth is, I am well aware that I had no chance with B, no matter how long I wait for him. I am well aware that he has no feeling for me, no matter how much we still contacting each other now. I know that I’m being stupid for still waiting, but other than waiting, what else can I do? This may sound not true to you, but when decided that I have no feeling for the friend that confess to me, none of the reason was because of B. I ended my three-days relationship because I was afraid that B may want to propose me, and I was afraid of being unavailable for him, but not now. I am much wiser now to think clearly. Even though it seems like so obvious it was because of him, it was not. Because even though I said I will still wait till my birthday next year, I know that I am actually waiting for nothing. Nothing will happen.
Only that my life will be too empty if I don’t put him anywhere, so I purposely make it as if he’s still around. I purposely make it as if I still hope for him, when in reality; I know I was hoping for scooping an air with a spoon. It is that ridiculous. I don’t know how you will accept this, but I am being as frank as I can possibly be here. Only that I cannot do it to your face. I have to have a hope, to make it as if my life was not so hopeless. I am an ambitious girl, only that life and fate had been so tricky on me that even I knew my hope was in vain, I will still chanting my hope. In my heart, if you can see it, it’s all filled with lots of empty spaces. Those are the spaces of where all my life had been before. Now, my purpose is to only living, and moving. That’s all I am left with.
I don’t know where to end this post, as I can feel like I have so many things to tell you. But I don’t know where to start. As for now, I am still trembling with fear, anger and so many unnamed feeling. I scared he will do something nasty since I seem to have been playing with his feeling (which I didn’t!). I mad because of how things had happened. How one stupid outing had leaded my life to an ugly phase? I felt uneasy thinking about how my friends will think about this, if they happen to knew it. I feel uneasy that I had to keep this from them. I feel like a betrayer.
As I wrote this, my phone beeped and I saw a message coming. I thought it was from you, but it was actually from him. He said he was hurt, but he will of course be able to go through this. Well, I may be cruel to not thinking about his feeling, but to me, he’s being cruel to even initiate this, when he knows that we were not even an item to begin with. Don’t try to tell me about “unintended” love, I hate to even think about such things. Unintended is actually something that we can prevent, only that we choose to follow our own desire and neglecting the reality. As for me, I will not do that. My conscience is much clearer than my desire. And four missed calls. I hate that. I may even consider changing my number after this. (and for God sake, if he can go through this, why still bother to call me? I had put his number into my phone blacklist, which means I am paying maxis RM 1 per month to filter his sms. If he still call me within this few days, I will for sure change my number. I don’t think any of us need to give/listen to any kind of explanation. Things were so obvious, why bother to dig more?)
I don’t know what else to say. My heart is crying. Why am I being punished for that one stupid outing? God please save my friendship. :’(
p/s: I am so paranoid over this whole drama. My heart throbbing, my hands trembling, my eyes feel like at the edge of a big flood.
p/p/s: Seems like you also in a bad shape. Just be calm and decide ok. i am no good in this relationship matters, so all i can say is you need to trust whatever best for you, no matter what people will say about it, or how much it will hurt you. Take control of your own life.
Anyway, as for you, you can even say that I faux the entire story. It’s all a made-up tale where someone confessed that he had a feeling on me. I won’t blame you if you ever think of that, cause 1) I showed you no proof of what-so-ever, 2) I was proudly rejecting it, yet again, as if so many guys courting me, and I have the habit of rejecting people. Even for me, it was hard enough to believe that things had been so messed up like this. Even though I did sense something “funny” going on, but I had never foreseen such thing will happened. I had never foreseen him to actually confess it.
Do you know how I feel when I first read his sms? Oh, actually I was not so sure which one came first, his calls or his sms-es. I was sleeping at that time, remember? But at some point, when my phone keeps ringing, I was kicked by some sense to see the phone, and that’s when I saw his sms-es. If I remembered it correctly, altogether were at least more than 3 sms-es. He talked about his so-called feeling. Pardon me for being blatant, but he did sound a bit of a desperate person. Promptly, I woke up from my “intended” sleep and re-read the sms-es. But I could not read it fully, as every time I read his sms-es, it made me feel mad and angry of whatever that he came into, and I felt humiliated as well. So I ended up deleting all his sms-es, and I don’t even bother to reply him. There were also some missed calls. I hate to see the number of missed calls he made.
I was angry because we were supposed to be just friend. I know I made the rule of saying that, girl and guy can never be friend. But somehow, I have no feeling on him at all. I did sense that he had something on me, and that’s when I started to avoid him. So did that still considered as I was dropping him a hint that there could be a chance between us? Am I flirting with him? Did I play with his feeling? All I could see was I did drop him a hint, by avoiding him, to tell him that I want things to stop and back to where they used to be. I want nothing of him.
And I was humiliated. He was my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. I was there all along their relationship. I was there when it’s started, and I was also there when it was ended. Like I said, I was there all along. How can he be so insensitive to think that I will accept him by my side, and to forget all that, and to face my friend? It’s unacceptable.
I know you’ve said your opinion to me before, and you’ve said that you’re okay with all these dating-my-bestfriend-ex thingy. I have to be frank. I was frustrated to find that we don’t share the same opinion on this, like many other things that we did. Because apparently, this is something that’s truly unacceptable. Even though somebody may say, it’s ok; I will not trust it easily. So I will try to convince you once again. Imagine that, your relationship came to its end because of the reason that you’ve always knew, your family and his family will not tolerate your relationship.
Then imagine again that after maybe few months, I am telling you that I am with him. I am dating him, and our family was okay with it. So in other words, we may have a future together. I know you’ve said before; you don’t mind that because you want him to be happy. But imagine that since I am now with him, every gathering we had, I was with him not just as his friend, but now his dearly girlfriend, and you, you’re the ex. Imagine yourself seeing him treating me nicely, the way he used to treat you. Imagine that you have to accept him as part of your life, not as your dearly boyfriend, but as you’re best friend’s love partner.
Not just that, you may need to attend our wedding (even thought you’ve told me before that you want to attend his wedding), imagine that I’m the bride, me, your best friend. Imagine yourself saying congratulation to me, and I’m now your dearly-ex’s wife. OK, if until this part you still say you’re okay with it, I have nothing to say. Surely you have the heart of a saint. But even so, I am now his wife, what if he still has feeling for you? What if he chooses me because he knows that we’re close, and so he gets the chance to always see you? In other words, I’m just a nicely fit rebound girl.
Yes, he may say he has feeling for me, but who can stand the fact when you’re hanging around with your boyfriend and his dearly-ex? I am surely don’t want to get hurt, and since now I can prevent it, I will put upon my life to avoid it. And then, what about us? Me and you, can our feeling still be the same? For God sake, we dated the same guy! And God knows which one of us is in his heart truly. Yes, of course he can say to me that I’m the one, and then he can also say to you that you’re the one. Of course nobody will know that. But who want to live with lies? Who want to live surround by a glass, which can anytime being pricked and shattered? One thing for sure and in fact I’m very sure about it now, is that I won’t forsake a friendship over a guy. Not ever. Even if I had to choose between poisoning myself and neglecting a friendship, I will rather die. Call it my principe. Call it a stupid principe. Whatever
Of course I’m not a perfect friend. I was never the most sought after best friend. I hurt my friends all the time. But for something that’s very obvious like this, will I still be stupid and follow whatever lies ahead of me? No, I’m definitely smarter than that. I know you may wonder, that If I know that guy and girl can never be friend, then why did I agreed to go out with him at that time. You know how I had always whined to you about me not having many friends, and about my behavior towards people around me. You also know that for some weird reason, I just can’t “click” with even your boyfriend. So, with that kind of thinking, I sort of want to prove myself that I was not weird after all. That’s when I decided to give it a go.
That’s when I decided to meet him, well, for “just a friend” sake of thing. I thought this is normal. If only I knew that it would lead to this, I would rather be called a snob. He had also mentioned his dinner with my other friend, so that added up to my consideration on seeing a movie with him. And if this is acceptable, I was also sticking up on him for the sake of my RM 300 that he borrowed almost two years back. (But I dare not asked!) I sounded selfish to have all this reasoning, but I feel like this is a proof to show that I have no intention of starting any relationship with him at all.
And most importantly, I realized the gravity of my mistake in the middle of the show, and that’s when I started to “create” most convincing excuse to break away from the outing. I left him immediately after the show ended, walked to the bus stop, messaging you on how miserable I felt (which I truly feel miserable at that time), and get back in to the mall after I was very sure that he was gone. I found out that I was so much comfortable being all alone there.
Not only that, that outing made me so miserable to think that how it had ruined my life. If any of my friends saw us, rumors will start to flow and creating ugly malicious lies and perception. My first movie with a guy was with him, someone I don’t even had any feeling on. My first lunch was with him, even my first time being with a guy in a mall was with him! Call me childish, but it’s all counted. I hate him for ruining that. I hate myself for being so naïve and so scared of “not having a friend” and agree to the outing. I hate myself a lot at that time and I hate myself at this moment. I will always hate myself for this.
In case you feel like I’m taking into a lot of consideration upon what my friend is thinking, then yeah, that’s my character. Even though I may not make any obvious effort on maintaining a friendship, but I do worship friendship as one of the gift in life. I do care of what my friend thinks of me. I do care of my friend’s feeling, no matter how bad she treated me. I do care a lot.
When I say that he wasn’t the one for me, do you think I just made that up? Do you think I said that because of I am still waiting for B? Let me tell you something that I will never be able to tell you when we are face to face. Well, you know me. I am used to guarding my feeling with utmost effort, that now it become a habit of being discreet and enclosed. Anyway, the truth is, I am well aware that I had no chance with B, no matter how long I wait for him. I am well aware that he has no feeling for me, no matter how much we still contacting each other now. I know that I’m being stupid for still waiting, but other than waiting, what else can I do? This may sound not true to you, but when decided that I have no feeling for the friend that confess to me, none of the reason was because of B. I ended my three-days relationship because I was afraid that B may want to propose me, and I was afraid of being unavailable for him, but not now. I am much wiser now to think clearly. Even though it seems like so obvious it was because of him, it was not. Because even though I said I will still wait till my birthday next year, I know that I am actually waiting for nothing. Nothing will happen.
Only that my life will be too empty if I don’t put him anywhere, so I purposely make it as if he’s still around. I purposely make it as if I still hope for him, when in reality; I know I was hoping for scooping an air with a spoon. It is that ridiculous. I don’t know how you will accept this, but I am being as frank as I can possibly be here. Only that I cannot do it to your face. I have to have a hope, to make it as if my life was not so hopeless. I am an ambitious girl, only that life and fate had been so tricky on me that even I knew my hope was in vain, I will still chanting my hope. In my heart, if you can see it, it’s all filled with lots of empty spaces. Those are the spaces of where all my life had been before. Now, my purpose is to only living, and moving. That’s all I am left with.
I don’t know where to end this post, as I can feel like I have so many things to tell you. But I don’t know where to start. As for now, I am still trembling with fear, anger and so many unnamed feeling. I scared he will do something nasty since I seem to have been playing with his feeling (which I didn’t!). I mad because of how things had happened. How one stupid outing had leaded my life to an ugly phase? I felt uneasy thinking about how my friends will think about this, if they happen to knew it. I feel uneasy that I had to keep this from them. I feel like a betrayer.
As I wrote this, my phone beeped and I saw a message coming. I thought it was from you, but it was actually from him. He said he was hurt, but he will of course be able to go through this. Well, I may be cruel to not thinking about his feeling, but to me, he’s being cruel to even initiate this, when he knows that we were not even an item to begin with. Don’t try to tell me about “unintended” love, I hate to even think about such things. Unintended is actually something that we can prevent, only that we choose to follow our own desire and neglecting the reality. As for me, I will not do that. My conscience is much clearer than my desire. And four missed calls. I hate that. I may even consider changing my number after this. (and for God sake, if he can go through this, why still bother to call me? I had put his number into my phone blacklist, which means I am paying maxis RM 1 per month to filter his sms. If he still call me within this few days, I will for sure change my number. I don’t think any of us need to give/listen to any kind of explanation. Things were so obvious, why bother to dig more?)
I don’t know what else to say. My heart is crying. Why am I being punished for that one stupid outing? God please save my friendship. :’(
p/s: I am so paranoid over this whole drama. My heart throbbing, my hands trembling, my eyes feel like at the edge of a big flood.
p/p/s: Seems like you also in a bad shape. Just be calm and decide ok. i am no good in this relationship matters, so all i can say is you need to trust whatever best for you, no matter what people will say about it, or how much it will hurt you. Take control of your own life.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The many things that had happened
Even though I have internet connection at home now (and it sucks!), I realized that I haven’t been updating this blog for many many days. My last post dated 10th September, which means, I haven’t been updating for like, 10 days. Hmm...I wonder what had caught me. Anyhow, here’s the compilation of many things that had happened around…
10 September 2008
I had finally agreed to go for dinner with the friend I used to call bestie. Well, don’t judge me now. I have a heart too, and it gets hurt just like every other part in my body when it endures with something painful. Anyway, I have no solid reason for finally agreed to this little dinner with her (before this she’s been asking me for dinner, 3-4 times I guess, to which I replied “erm..today cannot, next time ya”). All I know, I don’t want to burden myself with rage anymore. It’s tiring to stay mad and angry, so I decided to let it go and forgive her (if whatever that had happened was her fault) and to move on with my life.
Dinner was ok, we talked and gossip like how we used to be. Only different is now we’re more on updating each other on our daily life, rather than sharing it. Maybe not much different, but still, it’s kind of like a different to me. Oh, maybe it’s just me. I don’t know.
11 September 2008
Had dinner (or Berbuka Puasa event) with my colleagues. Everyone attended. We had dinner at TGIF. Nothing fancy, still the usual laugh and talk and this and that.
12 September 2008
Had dinner with my dear jiejie. Luckily I managed to escape from work at 6, and reached her office around 7 something. Was forced to wear her traffic-stopping yellow pump, hmmfph!
Our dinner was at OldTown Café. I had my now-favourite noodle (which looks like instant noodles) with two slices of sausages. Then we talk and talk and talk till 11. (We never had enough time with each other, don’t we?? ;P)
13 September 2008
Went back hometown. I reached at around 12 something, then continue with Buka Puasa preparation. I had to cook, since my mom will be back home late. I cooked Bee Hoon Soup for them. Their comments after dinner was, “the soup taste like water only”. KNS. I should never cook again, hmmfph!
14 September 2008
Back to KL. Buka puasa with the food my mom tapau for me. Sweet mommy!
15 September 2008
My boss not around, woo-hoo! But it made no different since now I’m working under the supervision of another colleague.
16 September 2008
Malaysia Day? I shall not comment about this.
Had dinner with my girlfriends. This time I decided to just go with it, means I have no preparation of trying to look vain. My friend’s hubby fetch us to One Utama. Had Johnny’s till my stomach felt like want to “meletup”. Exchange stories and talked about some of our nice memories in uni. Oh, and there’s a surprise. Another friend is getting engaged soon.
17 September 2008
Public Holiday. I slept the whole day then wake up at noon. Went to exchange the shoes for my sister. (9 years old girl wearing size 3 shoes, kaki gajah betul!) Had dinner alone, eating Instant noodles. Oh don’t pity me, I had actually addicted to this Instant noodles, if you’ve seen one, it is called INA. I bought the 5-in-1 pack, so today I had the Instant Pan Mee with Seafood Soup. Yummy!
I think that’s all for now. I am now damn lazy to write. Oh yea, received sms from you today regarding your accident. I hope it is not serious. Make sure you will be extra careful next time ok. :(
Daa…
10 September 2008
I had finally agreed to go for dinner with the friend I used to call bestie. Well, don’t judge me now. I have a heart too, and it gets hurt just like every other part in my body when it endures with something painful. Anyway, I have no solid reason for finally agreed to this little dinner with her (before this she’s been asking me for dinner, 3-4 times I guess, to which I replied “erm..today cannot, next time ya”). All I know, I don’t want to burden myself with rage anymore. It’s tiring to stay mad and angry, so I decided to let it go and forgive her (if whatever that had happened was her fault) and to move on with my life.
Dinner was ok, we talked and gossip like how we used to be. Only different is now we’re more on updating each other on our daily life, rather than sharing it. Maybe not much different, but still, it’s kind of like a different to me. Oh, maybe it’s just me. I don’t know.
11 September 2008
Had dinner (or Berbuka Puasa event) with my colleagues. Everyone attended. We had dinner at TGIF. Nothing fancy, still the usual laugh and talk and this and that.
12 September 2008
Had dinner with my dear jiejie. Luckily I managed to escape from work at 6, and reached her office around 7 something. Was forced to wear her traffic-stopping yellow pump, hmmfph!
Our dinner was at OldTown Café. I had my now-favourite noodle (which looks like instant noodles) with two slices of sausages. Then we talk and talk and talk till 11. (We never had enough time with each other, don’t we?? ;P)
13 September 2008
Went back hometown. I reached at around 12 something, then continue with Buka Puasa preparation. I had to cook, since my mom will be back home late. I cooked Bee Hoon Soup for them. Their comments after dinner was, “the soup taste like water only”. KNS. I should never cook again, hmmfph!
14 September 2008
Back to KL. Buka puasa with the food my mom tapau for me. Sweet mommy!
15 September 2008
My boss not around, woo-hoo! But it made no different since now I’m working under the supervision of another colleague.
16 September 2008
Malaysia Day? I shall not comment about this.
Had dinner with my girlfriends. This time I decided to just go with it, means I have no preparation of trying to look vain. My friend’s hubby fetch us to One Utama. Had Johnny’s till my stomach felt like want to “meletup”. Exchange stories and talked about some of our nice memories in uni. Oh, and there’s a surprise. Another friend is getting engaged soon.
17 September 2008
Public Holiday. I slept the whole day then wake up at noon. Went to exchange the shoes for my sister. (9 years old girl wearing size 3 shoes, kaki gajah betul!) Had dinner alone, eating Instant noodles. Oh don’t pity me, I had actually addicted to this Instant noodles, if you’ve seen one, it is called INA. I bought the 5-in-1 pack, so today I had the Instant Pan Mee with Seafood Soup. Yummy!
I think that’s all for now. I am now damn lazy to write. Oh yea, received sms from you today regarding your accident. I hope it is not serious. Make sure you will be extra careful next time ok. :(
Daa…
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
shhh..don't laugh at me please.
Ramadhan had sure gave me some time to feel calm, and despite of all life difficulty, i still manage to stand up and be myself. (Excuse me for praising myself). But I guess Ramadhan had made me developed a funny insight as well...like,
Warning : A highly imagination bed-time story. Please don't laugh too much, later you cannot stop. Oh, and please...don't puke. Because there's a huge possibility of you getting nausea when reading whatever i'm going to write below.
Being the respectful wife of Mr. AM
Introduction : Who is AM?
Well, AM is my ex-classmate. I met him when i was in my lower-secondary school. Back then, he was this cute small guy that talk softly. He was actually like a small kid in that class. He has a nice smile. I don't remember him talked to me so much or anything, but we did talked of course. Futhermore, we were in the same homeroom, so we met quite often. Although I may not fall for him (at that time), I think he kind of like a person who make you feel comfortable. Oh ya, i remember another thing, we're not only same homeroom, we also become the Pekerja Koperasi together. Haih...now i feel sad that i had never made any effort of savouring those times.
Courting Game : AM the messenger
When i was in Form 1, there was this senior who admired me. Oh well, you know, those monkey-puppy-whatever love thingy. Somehow, that senior was AM roommate. So well, you know how the senior-junior relationship works right? That senior used AM as his meesenger when he was courting me. AM was made to pass things to me from the senior, things like Nasi Lemak after night-prep or chocolate, and other things i had forgotten. (Actually i'd only remember the Nasi Lemak clearly, so maybe its just that.) So me and AM always had to talk. He will come and give me the "thing" from the senior, I will then pass him message to pass to the senior. Those moment could be the most time that we spent together in that school.
Final Year : The shocking truth
During the final year exam season, one of my closest friend told me a shocking truth. Somehow, it is known among the guys in my class that AM admired me! I was shocked, because even though i had never hated him, i had never so much of admiring him either. So its like, whoa, got people like me. Syiok! But then i cannot do anything already at that time, cause we were almost at the end of our schoolterm and after that we will be separated into different school. So, even after knowing that AM likes me (or used to like me, or maybe just a pinch of feeling towards me, anything la), I cannot go tell him that , "ok we can try". No such thing!. He's too shy, and so do i. So i let it go any never hope for anything.
Reunion : Things changed
After around 4 years later, my classmate organized a reunion. I planned to attend, but i had chickened out at the very last moment. So, i didn't join the reunion. the thing is, right after the reunion news (and photos) spread around among us, my classmates. From the photos, i saw a lot of different look of some familiar people. Including AM! He looked totally different from what he used to be when we were in the lower-secondary school. Much more matured. All the girls talked about him. Me? I regretted my decision of not attending the reunion cause then i had lost the opportunity of contacting him, (at least!)
Ramadhan & the light : Is it shining at me?
By a twist of fate, I get my internet at home again. Eventually, i logged in onto my YM because of you-know-who. But then I saw AM was online. It suddenly occured to me that, is everyone having the same "attitude" like me, where, once i like a person, i will forever have a hot for that person? Because if thats the case, then AM maybe still liking me. But we had never talked on YM. I am too shy to start a conversation with him. So I just stared at his name on my YM list. It brings back memories, and thought, like...did i missed out a huge opportunity?
Dream : Being Mrs. AM, can I?
Then I started to imagine, what will it be if AM said, he still likes me. Mind you, AM is now still studying in Adelaide, Australia, pursuing his Doctor degree (dont know what it is called). He'll be coming back end of this year, as a doctor. AM came from a respectful, yet humble family. I met his dad before, when i was in the lower-sec school. In AM's friendster page, I saw his famiy photos. All of them look decent. I feel warm.
But then, I don't know if i can ever be the right girl for AM. Now in Adelaide, he is the leader of major student body there. Knowing AM, he is good in being a leader. And he is a good Muslim too. And it is written in somewhere that, "A good man is for a good girl, and defectful man is for the defectful girl".
I feel hopeless, and all the imagination being bleached away by reality. AM will be a doctor, a well-known respectful job, while me still struggling with my odd jobs. AM came from a good family, while me, no one in the family know what good is. AM is a good Muslim, while me, I'm still struggling to even fulfilling all the basic obligations. AM is a good leader, while me, I hardly guiding myself correctly even.
AM gets the full scored, while me, I dare not even say it out. hopeless. there's no chance for me to score against him. I know if he likes me, he will need to accept all my flaws. But its my policy that i must be the compatible partner for my partner. And i'm the person who follow my policy. Duh, if only i realized this opportunity earlier, I might as well shaped myself better. Now AM won't even lay his eyes on me, for sure. :(
But I feel like we'll make a cute couple, haha.
My weird housemate
Well, in my house, I have this weird housemate. Why i called her weird? These are whys...
She hardly spoke to any of us in the house. There's 9 of us including her, and she manage to get on her day without so much talking to anyone. It's not like she bend her head down whenever she saw us or anything, but the only thing she did was to smile at us. That's all. If the other day she didn't finally spoke and asked about the rent (erm, maybe she HAD no choice but to finally spoke, because of the rent), i would have thought that she is mute.
This weird housemate also never eat in front of us. She did all her 'business' in her tiny little room. The other day i was doing laundry, and suddenly i heard the clanking sounds of spoon from her room. Well, it was the time she ate, i guess.
She come and go very quietly. It's like, she totally does not want us to be part of her, or she being part of us. She looks like living in her own world, (in her tiny room!)
Oh, the other day, i overheard her conversation on the phone. I guess she was talking to her mom. She sounds normal to me at that time. Anyway she had a funny voice when she laughed, cause it sounded a little bit like a 'gay' voice.
Then got this one time, she came in while we're having our dinner together. She looked so flummoxed that she had suddenly reached onto her phone and acting like she was talking on the phone. She smiled briefly and passed by us, when suddenly her phone ringing! Ha ha, she was so shocked and embarrassed i guess, until she was so nervous when opening her door and dropped all her things!
She go to work at odd hours, and come home quite late. She always looked tired.
Got once i saw her crying. She looked very sad. But i dare not ask her whats her problem, since she's so private.
This girl, she has a laptop. That's the only thing that she live with in her world. And from her laptop, come funny sound like those japanese and chinese songs. I heard her singing a mandarin song once too.
Sometimes she sleep with her light on. Sometimes she never on her room light at all and stay in the dark whole night.
Whenever she come back from shopping, she will have many bags. She shopped a lot.
I saw her buying cheese and bread quite often. She also like the 'No Sugar Added' soya bean drink.
She reads Female and Harper's Bazaar.
One thing about my weird housemate is she has a nice collection of shoes! Not so many, but all are high heels. She even own a very tall black patent peep-toe stilettos. I like her white Voir heels. It looks so elegant yet chicky.
I saw her office wardrobe all in the same shade of colors. Black and white. That's all. She hardly has any other color on her.
My this weird housemate, sometimes i heard her talking to herself in the room. Creepy.
She looks like somebody with no friends at all. I want to approach her, but i dare not.
She hardly spoke to any of us in the house. There's 9 of us including her, and she manage to get on her day without so much talking to anyone. It's not like she bend her head down whenever she saw us or anything, but the only thing she did was to smile at us. That's all. If the other day she didn't finally spoke and asked about the rent (erm, maybe she HAD no choice but to finally spoke, because of the rent), i would have thought that she is mute.
This weird housemate also never eat in front of us. She did all her 'business' in her tiny little room. The other day i was doing laundry, and suddenly i heard the clanking sounds of spoon from her room. Well, it was the time she ate, i guess.
She come and go very quietly. It's like, she totally does not want us to be part of her, or she being part of us. She looks like living in her own world, (in her tiny room!)
Oh, the other day, i overheard her conversation on the phone. I guess she was talking to her mom. She sounds normal to me at that time. Anyway she had a funny voice when she laughed, cause it sounded a little bit like a 'gay' voice.
Then got this one time, she came in while we're having our dinner together. She looked so flummoxed that she had suddenly reached onto her phone and acting like she was talking on the phone. She smiled briefly and passed by us, when suddenly her phone ringing! Ha ha, she was so shocked and embarrassed i guess, until she was so nervous when opening her door and dropped all her things!
She go to work at odd hours, and come home quite late. She always looked tired.
Got once i saw her crying. She looked very sad. But i dare not ask her whats her problem, since she's so private.
This girl, she has a laptop. That's the only thing that she live with in her world. And from her laptop, come funny sound like those japanese and chinese songs. I heard her singing a mandarin song once too.
Sometimes she sleep with her light on. Sometimes she never on her room light at all and stay in the dark whole night.
Whenever she come back from shopping, she will have many bags. She shopped a lot.
I saw her buying cheese and bread quite often. She also like the 'No Sugar Added' soya bean drink.
She reads Female and Harper's Bazaar.
One thing about my weird housemate is she has a nice collection of shoes! Not so many, but all are high heels. She even own a very tall black patent peep-toe stilettos. I like her white Voir heels. It looks so elegant yet chicky.
I saw her office wardrobe all in the same shade of colors. Black and white. That's all. She hardly has any other color on her.
My this weird housemate, sometimes i heard her talking to herself in the room. Creepy.
She looks like somebody with no friends at all. I want to approach her, but i dare not.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I was looking at the mirror, and then i saw somebody. I saw that weird housemate of mine in there. It was me the weird person is.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Cai Hong - Jay Chou
yesterday evening, as i was rushing to my cousins' place, i took a bus to their house. as usual, i put on my earphones and play some musics from my mp3 player. maybe i played the song a little bit too loud, when half-way through the journey, the person next to me say something that went like this...
the person : you listen to chinese song? *he gave me one questioned looks*
me : umm...sorry?
the person : you listen to chinese song is it?
me : oh..yes. it's jay chou's song.
the person : why?
me : i find it nice, his songs..
the person : you can understand mandarin?
me : no.. *shaking my heads and smile shyly*
the person : then why you listen to jay chou?
me : because i like his music
the person : or because you want people to see you as non-racist?
me : *flummoxed*
i didn't answer his last question. he don't seem to want to listen to my answer. i let it go.
but the question has been repeatedly playing in my mind. is that how it seems? my liking towards jay, towards chinese songs, towards their foods and culture, was all that seems like my effort of not being label as racist, like the rest of the people here?
i still don't have the answer. maybe i will never have the answer. maybe i let the person who question me gave me an answer.
because, all i know, i had once met a bunch of people who is different from me, but they had made me warm. i had once vowed them as family, because they worth it. i discovered myself in them, in a way that i could not explain why.
if this, seemingly as my attempt of saving my ass from the ugly racism that roaring here, i do not care. people can say what they want. i am what i am.
don't play with the word racist if you don't understand it. it's like talking about high-street fashion when you don't know Prada exists.
Anyhow, enjoy this song :
Cai Hong - Jay Chou
Na li you cai hong gao su wo
Tell me where the rainbow is
Neng bu neng ba wo de yuan wang huan gei wo
Could you still give me back my wish
Wei shen me tian zhe me an jing
Why is the sky so silent?
Suo you de yun dou pao dao wo zhe li
All of the clouds are running to me
You mei you kou zhao yi ge gei wo
Is there a mask for me?
Shi huai shuo le tai duo jiu cheng zhen bu liao
Recalling too much of the past words can accomplish nothing
Ye xu shi jian shi yi zhong jie yao
Perhaps time is a kind of antidote
Ye shi wo xian zai zheng fu xia de du yao
And also the first poison I'm taking now
Kan bu jian ni de xiao wo zen me shui de zhao
I could not see your smile, how can I sleep well
Ni de shen ying zhe me jing wo que bao bu dao
Your silhouette is so close to me, yet I cannot embrace it
Mei you di qiu tai yang hai shi hui rao
Without earth, the sun can still circle around
Mei you li you wo ye neng zi ji zou
Without reasons, I also can walk alone
Ni yao li kai wo zhi dao hen jian dan
You want to go away, I know that is very easy
Ni shuo yi lai shi wo men de zu ai
You said dependence is our obstacle
Jiu suan fang kai dan neng bu neng bie mo shou wo de ai
Even if we break up, but couldn't you not receive my love
Dang zuo wo zui hou cai ming bai
Assuming I'm the last to understand
You mei you kou zhao yi ge gei wo
Is there a mask for me?
Shi huai shuo le tai duo jiu cheng zhen bu liao
Recalling too much of the past words can accomplish nothing
Ye xu shi jian shi yi zhong jie yao
Perhaps time is a kind of antidote
Ye shi wo xian zai zheng fu xia de du yao
And also the first poison I'm taking now
Kan bu jian ni de xiao wo zen me shui de zhao
I could not see your smile, how can I sleep well
Ni de shen ying zhe me jing wo que bao bu dao
Your silhouette is so close to me, yet I cannot embrace it
Mei you di qiu tai yang hai shi hui rao
Without earth, the sun can still circle around
Mei you li you wo ye neng zi ji zou
Without reasons, I also can walk alone
Ni yao li kai wo zhi dao hen jian dan
You want to go away, I know that is very easy
Ni shuo yi lai shi wo men de zu ai
You said dependence is our obstacle
Jiu suan fang kai dan neng bu neng bie mo shou wo de ai
Even if we break up, but couldn't you not receive my love
Dang zuo wo zui hou cai ming bai
Assuming I'm the last to understand
Kan bu jian ni de xiao wo zen me shui de zhao
I could not see your smile, how can I sleep well
Ni de shen ying zhe me jing wo que bao bu dao
Your silhouette is so close to me, yet I cannot embrace it
Mei you di qiu tai yang hai shi hui rao
Without earth, the sun can still circle around
Mei you li you wo ye neng zi ji zou
Without reasons, I also can walk alone
Ni yao li kai wo zhi dao hen jian dan
You want to go away, I know that is very easy
Ni shuo yi lai shi wo men de zu ai
You said dependence is our obstacle
Jiu suan fang kai dan neng bu neng bie mo shou wo de ai
Even if we break up, but couldn't you not receive my love
Dang zuo wo zui hou cai ming bai
Assuming I'm the last to understand
the person : you listen to chinese song? *he gave me one questioned looks*
me : umm...sorry?
the person : you listen to chinese song is it?
me : oh..yes. it's jay chou's song.
the person : why?
me : i find it nice, his songs..
the person : you can understand mandarin?
me : no.. *shaking my heads and smile shyly*
the person : then why you listen to jay chou?
me : because i like his music
the person : or because you want people to see you as non-racist?
me : *flummoxed*
i didn't answer his last question. he don't seem to want to listen to my answer. i let it go.
but the question has been repeatedly playing in my mind. is that how it seems? my liking towards jay, towards chinese songs, towards their foods and culture, was all that seems like my effort of not being label as racist, like the rest of the people here?
i still don't have the answer. maybe i will never have the answer. maybe i let the person who question me gave me an answer.
because, all i know, i had once met a bunch of people who is different from me, but they had made me warm. i had once vowed them as family, because they worth it. i discovered myself in them, in a way that i could not explain why.
if this, seemingly as my attempt of saving my ass from the ugly racism that roaring here, i do not care. people can say what they want. i am what i am.
don't play with the word racist if you don't understand it. it's like talking about high-street fashion when you don't know Prada exists.
Anyhow, enjoy this song :
Cai Hong - Jay Chou
Na li you cai hong gao su wo
Tell me where the rainbow is
Neng bu neng ba wo de yuan wang huan gei wo
Could you still give me back my wish
Wei shen me tian zhe me an jing
Why is the sky so silent?
Suo you de yun dou pao dao wo zhe li
All of the clouds are running to me
You mei you kou zhao yi ge gei wo
Is there a mask for me?
Shi huai shuo le tai duo jiu cheng zhen bu liao
Recalling too much of the past words can accomplish nothing
Ye xu shi jian shi yi zhong jie yao
Perhaps time is a kind of antidote
Ye shi wo xian zai zheng fu xia de du yao
And also the first poison I'm taking now
Kan bu jian ni de xiao wo zen me shui de zhao
I could not see your smile, how can I sleep well
Ni de shen ying zhe me jing wo que bao bu dao
Your silhouette is so close to me, yet I cannot embrace it
Mei you di qiu tai yang hai shi hui rao
Without earth, the sun can still circle around
Mei you li you wo ye neng zi ji zou
Without reasons, I also can walk alone
Ni yao li kai wo zhi dao hen jian dan
You want to go away, I know that is very easy
Ni shuo yi lai shi wo men de zu ai
You said dependence is our obstacle
Jiu suan fang kai dan neng bu neng bie mo shou wo de ai
Even if we break up, but couldn't you not receive my love
Dang zuo wo zui hou cai ming bai
Assuming I'm the last to understand
You mei you kou zhao yi ge gei wo
Is there a mask for me?
Shi huai shuo le tai duo jiu cheng zhen bu liao
Recalling too much of the past words can accomplish nothing
Ye xu shi jian shi yi zhong jie yao
Perhaps time is a kind of antidote
Ye shi wo xian zai zheng fu xia de du yao
And also the first poison I'm taking now
Kan bu jian ni de xiao wo zen me shui de zhao
I could not see your smile, how can I sleep well
Ni de shen ying zhe me jing wo que bao bu dao
Your silhouette is so close to me, yet I cannot embrace it
Mei you di qiu tai yang hai shi hui rao
Without earth, the sun can still circle around
Mei you li you wo ye neng zi ji zou
Without reasons, I also can walk alone
Ni yao li kai wo zhi dao hen jian dan
You want to go away, I know that is very easy
Ni shuo yi lai shi wo men de zu ai
You said dependence is our obstacle
Jiu suan fang kai dan neng bu neng bie mo shou wo de ai
Even if we break up, but couldn't you not receive my love
Dang zuo wo zui hou cai ming bai
Assuming I'm the last to understand
Kan bu jian ni de xiao wo zen me shui de zhao
I could not see your smile, how can I sleep well
Ni de shen ying zhe me jing wo que bao bu dao
Your silhouette is so close to me, yet I cannot embrace it
Mei you di qiu tai yang hai shi hui rao
Without earth, the sun can still circle around
Mei you li you wo ye neng zi ji zou
Without reasons, I also can walk alone
Ni yao li kai wo zhi dao hen jian dan
You want to go away, I know that is very easy
Ni shuo yi lai shi wo men de zu ai
You said dependence is our obstacle
Jiu suan fang kai dan neng bu neng bie mo shou wo de ai
Even if we break up, but couldn't you not receive my love
Dang zuo wo zui hou cai ming bai
Assuming I'm the last to understand
Saturday, September 6, 2008
i hate everything
I hate everything around me now. really hate it. it's like, every single things make me frustrated.
I'm in ugly condition, that is why i refuse to see you. I will end up say horrible things to you, or act ugly, or being nonchalant and not the fun girl i had used to be.
I'm bored, frustrated, broken-hearted.
No amount of anything can change me now.
If taking ones life is not a sin, maybe i'll be gone by now. Because, thats the only way to numb this pain i felt inside.
But don't worry, i will be fine. I will smile again.
I'm in ugly condition, that is why i refuse to see you. I will end up say horrible things to you, or act ugly, or being nonchalant and not the fun girl i had used to be.
I'm bored, frustrated, broken-hearted.
No amount of anything can change me now.
If taking ones life is not a sin, maybe i'll be gone by now. Because, thats the only way to numb this pain i felt inside.
But don't worry, i will be fine. I will smile again.
Friday, September 5, 2008
if previously i was sad, now i think i'd lost my heart
i'm beyond any level of sadness and frustration
what you may read below is maybe something that is totally material, but hey, don't point your finger on me. i am a material person, except that i hardly being able to materialize my dream. hardly.
my financial sucks. big time. i hate to say that i'm living paycheck to paycheck, and my saving is like a pinch of salt. maybe even lesser. it is that bad.
but that had never stop me from dreaming of owning something big. something that's really my own. something pricey and worth owning.
so i started with dreaming of owning my own condo. well, this dream stopped way before i started saving money for it. its really, not do-able with my current state.
then i dreamt of having my own car. this dream developed right after i managed to get a licensed. so i started to save up some money here and there. but this is when my family started to crush and daddy started to abandon us. well, abandon is an understatement. not enough with abandoning, he made me suffer by having to sacrifice my saving to save him from all his debts. so there goes my dream car. i dare not even think about it again.
and then i dreamt of having my very own digital camera. Canon IXUS 960 IS. this name craved into my head, and i can actually dream of having one. i put a picture of this baby in front of my working table, so i get to see it every single day, especially before i close my eyes to sleep. its not much. i just need to at least secure myself with RM 1, 500. really, not big amount. but who knows saving for this amount can be so challenging. i started to put aside RM 200 every month, and by august, i manage to secure RM 1000. I was scared every minute of it that daddy will call and asked me to settle his debt again. eventually he didn't. But as i manage to sum up to RM 1, 400, something else happened in my family, that needs my urgent attention. by attention, i do mean financially. i dare to say i was half-insane when i put down the money. there goes my saving. there goes my baby ixus. i guess what had happened could not happened in any better time than this. i had my money, and i had to let it go.
but the only thing that keep me alive is that i realize i do have a back-up plan for this whole 'getting an ixus' scene. last month, after consulting the salesguy at canon midvalley, i realized that other than paying cash for the camera, i can also pay on installment. the requirement? i must have a credit card, because monthly, they will charge on my credit card. but i dont have any. so this is where i realize that its time for me to get a credit card. well, you know, just in case...
so when i had to let go my saving, i was sad, but not so frustrated as i then decided to opt for the installment plan. i know its risky, i never like to berhutang, but then, thats the only available way to get my baby into my hands. so i really really looking forward to the credit card application process.
it was a taugh one. because me, being as ego as usual, had been reluctant to get help from my besties' brother who work in citibank. so instead, i went for online application. the process was quite simple, but tedious. getting all the required information and so on. but i managed to settle it all, and as my agent, Desmond promised, i will get my card in two weeks. this is before my money 'gone', so i really really looking forward for this as a backup plan. its like, even if i don't have the cash, with this card, i will still get my camera.
but i was challenged. first, after one week, i called the agent and asked for the application status, and was told that my EPF statement is not what they want. so i had to make a trip to KWSP Jalan Gasing on working day just to get my latest EPF statement, as requested and mailed it back to them. then, on the second week, i tried to call my agent, but then all i get from his call tone is a 'busy' sound. whole damn week i was frustrated and almost thought that my application and the agent was a scam. but then, the following week (third week from the week i submitted my appliaction), he gave me a call, saying that my application is still under review. i was like, okay, i can still wait. i have around three weeks before hari raya.
but then today, i received a letter from Citibank. Eagerly, i opened the envelope (because i assumed that this is a letter asking me to collect my card), when my eyes landed on the words as follow...
...my heart was broken into pieces, and i was so frustrated that i had remained unmoved even after the prayer for buka puasa being shouted. and even for now, i still haven't ate anything other than a glass of plain water that taste like tears. i have no appetite.
i have no other plan, which mean, my dream of having that camera before Hari Raya is definitely a goner. it's hard to even accept the fact, since i had been so close of getting it, twice.
i cannot cry though. but i can hear my heart crying inside of me.
btw, here's some photos of my baby...and i'm letting this dream go, too.
if this is a price i have to pay for all my sins and bad-doing, then i would say that its too pricey and i regretted it whole-heartedly.
when everything in my life has turned upside down, i was holding on to this dream to cheer me up. but when this little dream being crushed like this, i don't know how to describe how i felt.
and i know i would not be able to tell you all these to your face, so thats why, even painfully, i jotted it here. look at this friend of you, she's so pathetic and hopeless, ain't she?
i feel like curling up my self on bed and sleep and never wake up again.
p/s: i didn't go back hometown. tomorrow i will go pudu to get my hari raya bus ticket, and then i will shut myself of from the world. if this worrying you, rest assured that i will be fine. i just need some time to be fine and calm myself down.
what you may read below is maybe something that is totally material, but hey, don't point your finger on me. i am a material person, except that i hardly being able to materialize my dream. hardly.
my financial sucks. big time. i hate to say that i'm living paycheck to paycheck, and my saving is like a pinch of salt. maybe even lesser. it is that bad.
but that had never stop me from dreaming of owning something big. something that's really my own. something pricey and worth owning.
so i started with dreaming of owning my own condo. well, this dream stopped way before i started saving money for it. its really, not do-able with my current state.
then i dreamt of having my own car. this dream developed right after i managed to get a licensed. so i started to save up some money here and there. but this is when my family started to crush and daddy started to abandon us. well, abandon is an understatement. not enough with abandoning, he made me suffer by having to sacrifice my saving to save him from all his debts. so there goes my dream car. i dare not even think about it again.
and then i dreamt of having my very own digital camera. Canon IXUS 960 IS. this name craved into my head, and i can actually dream of having one. i put a picture of this baby in front of my working table, so i get to see it every single day, especially before i close my eyes to sleep. its not much. i just need to at least secure myself with RM 1, 500. really, not big amount. but who knows saving for this amount can be so challenging. i started to put aside RM 200 every month, and by august, i manage to secure RM 1000. I was scared every minute of it that daddy will call and asked me to settle his debt again. eventually he didn't. But as i manage to sum up to RM 1, 400, something else happened in my family, that needs my urgent attention. by attention, i do mean financially. i dare to say i was half-insane when i put down the money. there goes my saving. there goes my baby ixus. i guess what had happened could not happened in any better time than this. i had my money, and i had to let it go.
but the only thing that keep me alive is that i realize i do have a back-up plan for this whole 'getting an ixus' scene. last month, after consulting the salesguy at canon midvalley, i realized that other than paying cash for the camera, i can also pay on installment. the requirement? i must have a credit card, because monthly, they will charge on my credit card. but i dont have any. so this is where i realize that its time for me to get a credit card. well, you know, just in case...
so when i had to let go my saving, i was sad, but not so frustrated as i then decided to opt for the installment plan. i know its risky, i never like to berhutang, but then, thats the only available way to get my baby into my hands. so i really really looking forward to the credit card application process.
it was a taugh one. because me, being as ego as usual, had been reluctant to get help from my besties' brother who work in citibank. so instead, i went for online application. the process was quite simple, but tedious. getting all the required information and so on. but i managed to settle it all, and as my agent, Desmond promised, i will get my card in two weeks. this is before my money 'gone', so i really really looking forward for this as a backup plan. its like, even if i don't have the cash, with this card, i will still get my camera.
but i was challenged. first, after one week, i called the agent and asked for the application status, and was told that my EPF statement is not what they want. so i had to make a trip to KWSP Jalan Gasing on working day just to get my latest EPF statement, as requested and mailed it back to them. then, on the second week, i tried to call my agent, but then all i get from his call tone is a 'busy' sound. whole damn week i was frustrated and almost thought that my application and the agent was a scam. but then, the following week (third week from the week i submitted my appliaction), he gave me a call, saying that my application is still under review. i was like, okay, i can still wait. i have around three weeks before hari raya.
but then today, i received a letter from Citibank. Eagerly, i opened the envelope (because i assumed that this is a letter asking me to collect my card), when my eyes landed on the words as follow...
We appreciate your recent application for a Citibank credit card.
After a thorough review we regret to inform that we are unable to offer you a Citibank credit card at this point in time.
After a thorough review we regret to inform that we are unable to offer you a Citibank credit card at this point in time.
...my heart was broken into pieces, and i was so frustrated that i had remained unmoved even after the prayer for buka puasa being shouted. and even for now, i still haven't ate anything other than a glass of plain water that taste like tears. i have no appetite.
i have no other plan, which mean, my dream of having that camera before Hari Raya is definitely a goner. it's hard to even accept the fact, since i had been so close of getting it, twice.
i cannot cry though. but i can hear my heart crying inside of me.
btw, here's some photos of my baby...and i'm letting this dream go, too.
if this is a price i have to pay for all my sins and bad-doing, then i would say that its too pricey and i regretted it whole-heartedly.
when everything in my life has turned upside down, i was holding on to this dream to cheer me up. but when this little dream being crushed like this, i don't know how to describe how i felt.
and i know i would not be able to tell you all these to your face, so thats why, even painfully, i jotted it here. look at this friend of you, she's so pathetic and hopeless, ain't she?
i feel like curling up my self on bed and sleep and never wake up again.
p/s: i didn't go back hometown. tomorrow i will go pudu to get my hari raya bus ticket, and then i will shut myself of from the world. if this worrying you, rest assured that i will be fine. i just need some time to be fine and calm myself down.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
today i feel better
today i feel better, and i don't know why. well, sure enough, i'm one of a kind of person who question myself of 'what had went wrong' when i feel better. ermm, nvm, ignore that.
its 5th day of ramadhan. i love ramadhan, when everything felt much calmer and peaceful. i wish i can have ramadhan every single day.
i was busy at work today. really busy until i don't have time to surf around like i usually did. rushing for a project, and being 'disturb' from time to time regarding the new project. (one that i don't know anything about!)
yesterday was weird. everyone seems to give me weird notation. really.
from my boss...(who suddenly came over to my place, which made me feel extremely...disturbed.)
mr.g : so, hows everything? (this is default question)
me : ermm...pardon?
mr.g : how's everything? (a little louber, with a beam of konon2 cute smile)
me : oh..fine. i have talked to bla bla bla...(updating about the project, half mumbling actually)
mr.g : oh..ok
then he walked away, but turned back, to ask me..
mr.g : are you ok?
me : umm..ya (nodding head)
mr.g : no la..i thought you're sick, cos you look pale.
me : *dont know what to answer*
me : ermm..maybe because im fasting.
mr.g : oh ok (smile again and finally went to 'disturb' other people)
from a colleague, who sit in front of my table, who actually i dont actually like (ya, actually actually)
colleague : hi...(flapping her hands, she juts reached office at that time) (usage of word flapping make me imagining her as a penguin) (haha) (why so many brackets??)
me : hi, morning (smiles...half-heartedly - told you i hate her, haha)
colleague : why you look like not enough sleep? (asking with her 'annoyingly' concerned tone)
me : no ah.. (gave her one of my 'dont know how to explain' look)
from another colleague, whom i don't hate, haha (what kind of description is this??!!)
colleague 2 : eh, you ok or not?
me : why? (making weird face)
colleague 2 : no la,you look like not ok
me : *laugh*
well, i don't know how terrible i'd look yesterday. i still see the same person in the mirror anyway, so, i don't know who they saw yesterday. hmm..
btw regarding the colleague that i say i don't like, i could not think of a valid-and-acceptable reason on why i don't like her. i just don't like, full stop. i had even came out with a blatant statement in one of the conversation i had today. it goes like this.."she's too bising i feel like stuffing her into the dustbin". i know, mean. heartless even.
i am arrogant. don't need to tell it to my face, cos i know.
and i am a person who walk without a goal.
p/s: i hope you read this, because im too lazy to reply email. btw your new work place sounds nice. good luck for your future undertakings.
its 5th day of ramadhan. i love ramadhan, when everything felt much calmer and peaceful. i wish i can have ramadhan every single day.
i was busy at work today. really busy until i don't have time to surf around like i usually did. rushing for a project, and being 'disturb' from time to time regarding the new project. (one that i don't know anything about!)
yesterday was weird. everyone seems to give me weird notation. really.
from my boss...(who suddenly came over to my place, which made me feel extremely...disturbed.)
mr.g : so, hows everything? (this is default question)
me : ermm...pardon?
mr.g : how's everything? (a little louber, with a beam of konon2 cute smile)
me : oh..fine. i have talked to bla bla bla...(updating about the project, half mumbling actually)
mr.g : oh..ok
then he walked away, but turned back, to ask me..
mr.g : are you ok?
me : umm..ya (nodding head)
mr.g : no la..i thought you're sick, cos you look pale.
me : *dont know what to answer*
me : ermm..maybe because im fasting.
mr.g : oh ok (smile again and finally went to 'disturb' other people)
from a colleague, who sit in front of my table, who actually i dont actually like (ya, actually actually)
colleague : hi...(flapping her hands, she juts reached office at that time) (usage of word flapping make me imagining her as a penguin) (haha) (why so many brackets??)
me : hi, morning (smiles...half-heartedly - told you i hate her, haha)
colleague : why you look like not enough sleep? (asking with her 'annoyingly' concerned tone)
me : no ah.. (gave her one of my 'dont know how to explain' look)
from another colleague, whom i don't hate, haha (what kind of description is this??!!)
colleague 2 : eh, you ok or not?
me : why? (making weird face)
colleague 2 : no la,you look like not ok
me : *laugh*
well, i don't know how terrible i'd look yesterday. i still see the same person in the mirror anyway, so, i don't know who they saw yesterday. hmm..
btw regarding the colleague that i say i don't like, i could not think of a valid-and-acceptable reason on why i don't like her. i just don't like, full stop. i had even came out with a blatant statement in one of the conversation i had today. it goes like this.."she's too bising i feel like stuffing her into the dustbin". i know, mean. heartless even.
i am arrogant. don't need to tell it to my face, cos i know.
and i am a person who walk without a goal.
p/s: i hope you read this, because im too lazy to reply email. btw your new work place sounds nice. good luck for your future undertakings.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
why its all happening now?
maybe before asking why, i should ask how as well. anyway, who am i questioning? myself?
you can't prevent what you can't predict
i don't remember how many times i told myself not to put on hope, not to dream, but its all uncontrollable. without realizing, i started to heighten my hope again and again, and end up being put off. it hurts. its really hurts, but i can't prevent it. this is not just about that dream camera, or dream phone, or dream shoes, or whatever. this is about how my life had turned sour each day. this is about how i felt disappointed over and over again. you can plan what you want to do, what you want to have, where you want to go in life, but you cannot prevent unplanned things from happening. tell me how to be strong, when all i can see is stumbling blocks. i am really tired.
pretentious princess
my weakness will be to smile when i am mad. my weakness will be to accept when face with rejection. my weakness will be to walk straight when the road seems blurry and unknown. those, and maybe much more related to that, are my weaknesses. i cannot pretend, no matter how much i want to. i can't say yes when i want to say no. i don't stand on hypocrisy, no matter how good it is for the situation. truly, i don't see any good of it. and i don't like being treated nice by a hypocrite too. i don't know if this is just my ego, or it is normal, but i guess, its me. even if my lips are smiling, my eyes will betray the mask and show all the inside emotions. if i were to lied, i will end up failing, miserably. so now, how do i pretend to be happy, when truly i don't feel even a glimpse of a bliss. how do i pretend to be ok, when i'm truly not?
a hole, in my soul
i have a wrecked soul, and i truly admit this. i ran from everything, problems, emotions, etc etc etc. i don't know if i were born with this defections, or it is something that i had acquired as i grew older each day. i walk with no reason, no ambition, no vision. each and every moment, i keep on asking, who am i? whats the real me? because i have no answer to all these. i have no answer to what's the real me would look like. was it the evil person, who hated being in contact with the other human beings? or was it the one with endless devotion and loyalties towards relationship? was it the one who will never admit her disabilities? or was it the one who is willing to give in, and one who listen? and if i were a person with more than one personalities, i bet i have a lot of them. but one thing for sure, i don't know where my soul is. i don't even know if i used to have it, and now i had accidentally dropped it somewhere.
too many sorry, too little honesty , to many hurts, too little forgiveness
if i were to line up each and every person in my life that i have hurts, i can run an Olympics game with them. if i were to line up each and every person in my life that i 'think' that they/he/she had hurts me, i can have a line longer than China wall. truly, i do consider myself as over sensitive. but was it wrong? like many other things in my life, i don't know it for sure. whenever i hurt somebody, i will feel bad, but i will be too proud to say sorry. whenever i hurt somebody, i realize it, but i let it happen. because, whenever i say the magic word of sorry, i will then question my honesty. and whenever someone say their forgiveness, i will doubt their decency. its like a shadow, this question will run over me like an unsolvable riddle.
p/s: i can online again, but the signal was too low that i can't online my messenger. i know you were wondering about my condition. truly, i was not happy, but i cannot let it out as well. there's nothing wrong, but nothing seems to be right either. i need some time to be alone for now, and i am sorry for having to do this on you. many things had happened, if i were to tell, i don't know where to start. i hope you will understand. till then, be good, and always remember our good times together. i will walk through this, and meet you with a smile, again.
you can't prevent what you can't predict
i don't remember how many times i told myself not to put on hope, not to dream, but its all uncontrollable. without realizing, i started to heighten my hope again and again, and end up being put off. it hurts. its really hurts, but i can't prevent it. this is not just about that dream camera, or dream phone, or dream shoes, or whatever. this is about how my life had turned sour each day. this is about how i felt disappointed over and over again. you can plan what you want to do, what you want to have, where you want to go in life, but you cannot prevent unplanned things from happening. tell me how to be strong, when all i can see is stumbling blocks. i am really tired.
pretentious princess
my weakness will be to smile when i am mad. my weakness will be to accept when face with rejection. my weakness will be to walk straight when the road seems blurry and unknown. those, and maybe much more related to that, are my weaknesses. i cannot pretend, no matter how much i want to. i can't say yes when i want to say no. i don't stand on hypocrisy, no matter how good it is for the situation. truly, i don't see any good of it. and i don't like being treated nice by a hypocrite too. i don't know if this is just my ego, or it is normal, but i guess, its me. even if my lips are smiling, my eyes will betray the mask and show all the inside emotions. if i were to lied, i will end up failing, miserably. so now, how do i pretend to be happy, when truly i don't feel even a glimpse of a bliss. how do i pretend to be ok, when i'm truly not?
a hole, in my soul
i have a wrecked soul, and i truly admit this. i ran from everything, problems, emotions, etc etc etc. i don't know if i were born with this defections, or it is something that i had acquired as i grew older each day. i walk with no reason, no ambition, no vision. each and every moment, i keep on asking, who am i? whats the real me? because i have no answer to all these. i have no answer to what's the real me would look like. was it the evil person, who hated being in contact with the other human beings? or was it the one with endless devotion and loyalties towards relationship? was it the one who will never admit her disabilities? or was it the one who is willing to give in, and one who listen? and if i were a person with more than one personalities, i bet i have a lot of them. but one thing for sure, i don't know where my soul is. i don't even know if i used to have it, and now i had accidentally dropped it somewhere.
too many sorry, too little honesty , to many hurts, too little forgiveness
if i were to line up each and every person in my life that i have hurts, i can run an Olympics game with them. if i were to line up each and every person in my life that i 'think' that they/he/she had hurts me, i can have a line longer than China wall. truly, i do consider myself as over sensitive. but was it wrong? like many other things in my life, i don't know it for sure. whenever i hurt somebody, i will feel bad, but i will be too proud to say sorry. whenever i hurt somebody, i realize it, but i let it happen. because, whenever i say the magic word of sorry, i will then question my honesty. and whenever someone say their forgiveness, i will doubt their decency. its like a shadow, this question will run over me like an unsolvable riddle.
p/s: i can online again, but the signal was too low that i can't online my messenger. i know you were wondering about my condition. truly, i was not happy, but i cannot let it out as well. there's nothing wrong, but nothing seems to be right either. i need some time to be alone for now, and i am sorry for having to do this on you. many things had happened, if i were to tell, i don't know where to start. i hope you will understand. till then, be good, and always remember our good times together. i will walk through this, and meet you with a smile, again.
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