life is not easy, let alone fair, but that does not means that we can go around whining and blaming others for our misfortune.
that does not mean that I can go around holding vengeance against my dearest father for leaving us at the time when we need him the most.
if I'm being truly frank with myself, the part where he left was sort of a good thing. he sort of like giving us the push we all have always needed.
relationship, to me its like a mutual agreement. both parties have to agree to remain in collaboration in order to make it work. when one party disagree, nothing will work anymore. and any force used on them will only make it worst. and that's what happened.
he left before it became worst. they already not talking for at least 3 years. mom probably had it since, maybe forever. even if there’s still love between them, they, as the parents need to sort them out themselves. as the kid, i have no reason to still be mad, or keep thinking that his action has affect how i live my life, and keep blaming him for all the missteps that i have took.
ever since the day he left, or way before that – since i had to be the main bread-earner in the family, or the one who makes the decision on where and how my brother going to further his study – i keep on feeling like he had robbed me off my life. i cant help but to yearn for a responsible father, and keep wondering how different my life would be if i have one. and i have somehow had the silly idea of thinking that my life would not be as bad as this if he’s a responsible father.
i keep lying to myself, telling that whatever that had gone wrong, was not my fault, its all because i was pushed into this silly life. i know i made a mistake to think like that. its just, sort of comforting, to be able to put your mistake to somebody else’s shoulder. yet, like all the lies, it will eventually come haunting you. you know its not right, so it will not become right, no matter how you try to swallow it.
i may not have the best in life, but i certainly did not do it bad at all. i manage to keep the family intact after he left, sent my brothers to boarding school, then to college. my sisters just finished her primary exams, and soon will be in secondary school. i manage to somehow scoop out some money to repair our roof, and now we have a better veranda. sure mom is sick, but i think, having me, at least her burden was not so bad. i know she’s worry about me, so I'm going to do my best to take that worries away from her.
like everyone else, i sure do have my own dream. in fact, i have plenty of them. but ultimately, i want to have a solid happy family, with responsible parents, and beautiful kids. i want to build a life that makes me happy, and i want to be able to be financially independent. that doesn’t mean that i want to be alone for the rest of my life, cause someday, i believe that the ‘right one’ will come knocking at my door, and sweep me off my feet. i want to be a good wife, who completes the husband. i want to be a mother, that my kids can be proud of me, just like how i am so proud of my mother. i want to be a good responsible parents, that ensure my kids gets the best in life.
i pray to God that one day, i can live the life i dream of. till then, i am going to cherish this life i have, and be myself. whoever that is. and i want to enjoy this life, and be a good person.
and as for that person I'm currently crushing at, i can only wish that he sees me the way i see him, and that he is ‘the one’. but if he’s not, then, well…i am going to keep looking.
