they don’t know

I haven’t been writing much at all, but this particular things have been in my mind for a while now that i can’t seem to resist the urge to write. to lash out. to let go.

Of course i can go do the saucier/attention-grabber way by posting it to my facebook, or instagram for instance. but that’s not why i’m writing, so i hope i will never do things that way.

writing is way too precious to me, that i don’t seem to care if nobody is reading my random rambling but myself, so long as i don’t do it for attention. it’s not about running away from critics, which i’m sure will come my way if i made my writing public, but it’s more of…oh, hey, i’m blabbing nonsense.

what i want to write tonight is more of a personal account of my recent situation.
i’ve been truly amused by the various reaction i’ve got whenever people around me learned that i’m currently undergoing my masters degree. it varies a lot, to the point that i feel like – wow. some shows their support right away, some just keep quite but i can see that they are getting along with my decision, some ask whether this particular university that i registered at is legit (like, am i that thick?), some…just smirk. right to my face.

and my reaction to them has been numerous too. i know, even this is my personal decision, people around me will surely “say” something, and if i have such high self esteem, i surely should not been bothered by whatever that they will say. or do. but who am i kidding? i’m insecure, to the point that even until my third class, not many knows about my going-back-to-school gig. i didn’t share it with anyone, even though deep down i’m dying to tell them how happy i was because i dare to take that step.

happy. yes, i was happy. and even with the current state of too many assignments and homework and examination in three weeks but i haven’t study a single thing, i’m happy still. i feel like this is what i should have been doing. this is my scene. this is where i belong.

let me tell you. i have been meaning to further study ever since i graduated from my degree. as nerdy as this may sound, studying comfort me. seriously. but i was too afraid to seek out ways to fulfil this particular wish of mine before. and besides i got obligation, and many other lame excuses to go. so for close to 6 years, i was just journeying through life. hoping that i will some day find the right path, not knowing that the right path won’t be at my feet lest i seek for it. how shallow i have been. that much time, wasted.

but i don’t regret it. last 6 years has been my “finding myself” phase. i began with super fun first job that i don’t know if anybody else experienced it like me. i learned about how you can connect with your colleague to the point that you find them like almost your siblings. i had the tasted of crush, and how it crushed me. i had the taste of sweet friendship, not always wanting thing to stay the same, yet growing up together. it was the sweetest three years of my working life thus far, and i treasure the memories so much that i can now smile when i see people being so close to their co-workers. work together, later do dinner together, and then weekend outing still together. i have tasted it, so i can smile because i know how happy that person must be, because i was happy then too. it was such good experience.

but you can’t stop journeying. and every good thing must come to an end. so when i finally left that first job, i had the taste of my “almost” real world. competition with co-workers. being shouted at by your mean boss, who never cares to even learn your name properly. it was outrageous. i feel like i was a kid, now suddenly being thrown into adult world with all the spikes and thorns. i witness catfight at work (bless me i didn’t get involve in that!), i saw how even when you’re higher ranking, you will get stabbed by your co-workers and you fell to nothing. it’s such a scary scene, and i swear i go home everyday trembling, thinking of whether i shall still be able to keep my job the next day.

but i got through that. work bogged me down like a huge rock on my breast, i became an unfortunate victim of bullying (i play nice, but i guess it was a bit stupid too) and my project being accused of being the reason people leaving the department. i cried. i laughed. i give my best to survive, which in the end seems like i was breathing just above the water. catching my breath while never be sure of the shore, or what will catch me underwater. i was truly just breathing to survive.

gone were the happy times. i dreaded my weekdays. i wasted my weekends thinking that as my only consolation. i was so stressful, yet my body fight back in ways that i didn’t know i have such mechanism built in me. i had the shut-off.

it was bad. i became like the turtle. hiding away in my shell. not caring about whatever that is happening around me. i can sleep from friday night to sunday night straight. i just paralysed on my bed. i don’t even feel lazy. i just don’t feel anything. and i cried myself to sleep everyday. i cried for reasons i know but too weak to change, i cried for no reason but to just let the tears flow. i cried in my sleep. i dream of crying. i was hopeless.

i shrank away from any kind of sociable act. i turned down any friend who ask for weekend outings. i made up excuses to just be with myself. i was comfortable with no one but me. and then, when being in the city over the weekend seems too much and its getting too stuffy, i started going back hometown a little too often. every 2 weeks. then every week. instead of me telling my mom i had things to do and cannot spend the time with her, it became the other way around. my mom always had to say sorry cause i was home yet she got things to carry on. i wasn’t home that much before that she find it hard to just doted on me. which i totally understand. and i feel a little pang of shame, cause it seems like even my mom had “going-ons” with her life, while i seemed to drift – apart.

i was miserable. i work like a robot. i live like a machine. i rely on auto-pilot. many days i would be surprised that i don’t even remember my journey from work to home. or home to work. i just move, but little by little i’m dying on the inside. i have nobody to share my miserable fall-out, i’m too ashamed to seek out help anyway. so for over two years, i was battling with what seemed like a bad kind of self destruction. to add salt to my already bleeding wound, friends all around me started getting on with their life -greatly. they got married. they started having kids. they bought cars. the acquired houses. the collected assets. while i was accumulating nothing but my broken pride and my mountain of debt. and then, when the pressure becoming too much, i started to seek out for ways to release myself. that was when the real destruction began. i did things i’m far too ashamed now to confess, yet i know i was only further destroying myself by doing it. it was good for the moment, but then i will often find myself regretting it tremendously. and swear to never do it again. but it was meaningless because as soon as the tides hit me, i did it again. and again. i keep a good act upfront, yet inside, i was crumbling like a battered mountain hit by dynamite. all the while, i realized just how far i am from getting better, yet i just can’t seem to paddle myself towards the right ways. it was truly hard. i was broken inside. i was beyond lost.

i don’t remember how i started to finally decided to study again, but at the moment, it feels like my only saviour. like if they even so much as rejected my application, i would have turn to pieces and shattered to my own demolition.
but i got in. and i took the step forward.
i have been busy since. it was hard juggling between books and works, yet this is the kind of busy that i appreciate and take with my open hand. i had longed for this. and to be able to experience it, it was great so far. i am worried about the exam and all, i had sleepless night working on my assignments, but this sure beats the crap out of sleeping for 48hours straight.
so my point is, if only they knew how much i need this, maybe they’ll be kinder. maybe if they can understand that i never do this because i want to put myself above them. i never want the scroll to be superior. they should have seen my broken soul, for then maybe they stop all the doubts and smirks. i needed this to save myself. i needed this to be able to feel alive again. i needed this before it was too late.

or maybe they don’t care if i annihilate my own self. or…maybe i should stop caring about what they “might” think, and focus on myself.

…

“Before you judge me, take a look at you,
Can’t you find something better to do,
Point the finger, slow to understand,
Arrogance and ignorance go hand in hand”
- Holier Than Thou, Metallica

If anything, this verse sounded like a hot blow to my own face, and i posted it as a reminder to myself.

I haven’t written here in a really long time. Truth is, i did wrote two posts before, just never publish it. The other truth was, i never even been able to bring myself to finish it. So, i heartily hoped that this one sees the light out of the tunnel, in a way.

I want to write something important today. Tonight. I want to write my confession, my guilt, my regrets.

In my attempt to face my everyday life, I've become somewhat, a very snobbish, pompous person. It’s weird relating all those words to your own self, i admit that, but really, that’s the truth. I don’t know if its making it even sadder when i do realize that i was being such a prick. I sneer at people who annoys me, talk intelligently at those whom i realize never bother to pick a book or look up any knowledge from the net – i even lash out some sarcasm every once in a while. Wait, this is a confession, so i got to be honest for this to work, so – i am a very sarcastic person at best.

There’s this girl, a colleague – who sits just a table away from me. She’s a lively woman, laugh a lot, curse a lot too. She’s new at the company, but she had experience before, so you know, she wasn’t totally new to working environment, just new to the workplace. Anyway, she likes to complain about her work, saying that the previous person who did it, messed it up so much that she had heaps to clean up after. And i resent her for that. Because, to my shallow mind, who doesn’t have a hard job? Who doesn’t need to clean up other people’s mess? If a job is easy, then it should be called a job after all. Well that’s to my opinion. So i really, REALLY hated her for always complaining. And i hated her even more when she told me, loudly, as if she might as well tell the whole office, that she had managed to settle one thing or another,  that previously being mishandled. Gosh, i hated her for even sharing me her progress.

Then, there’s another colleague, who often sigh and whine and God-knows-what else, about how her work is so important to the company, yet it was so difficult, but with her unquestionably good working skills, she has been dealing with it impeccably. It’s just, is such a big prospect of work. (Which to my mind translated as “if she does this well, she’s sure to get a big fat bonus on it” – which, admittedly should be what's on her mind too). I hated her, especially when she told me how stress she feels, what with her family commitment, and everything. She even posted on her Facebook status that she had to bring back home some work, and it such a big responsibility, but with her being responsible and all, she still does it. I mean, does she really needs to rub salt on my already bleeding wound? Ergh.

There’s another colleague whom i felt like just talking to me so that i will help her in doing her work. Another colleague just using me for my skill. Then another, and another. The list goes on and on, each one of them i can’t truly believe, let alone trust.

Deep breath. I know, now it surely sounded like I'm the one with problem here. Believe me, i DO KNOW that I'm the one with problem. I have this pre-programmed inside of me the very manifestation of a person suffering from the “Holier Than Thou” syndrome. I believe that I'm better, way better than anyone else. Or i had it far far worse than anyone could whined about. I hate myself for having such thought. And I have trust issue. Whenever people are being nice to me, i have this feeling, this ugly stupid idiotic feeling that there’s sure something on the hook right there. I can’t put myself as a whole. Like, love wholly, trust wholly, no i just can’t. I bet there’s a medical term for this. But right now, i recognize it as my own defence mechanism. My way of protecting myself. Like the cocoon. Like a blanket you used to protect yourself from cold. Like a shield.

But like any kinds of protection, it only keep you out of harm so far. It never really do you any favour. It won’t kill your enemy for you.

I want to change. I want to be someone who’s more accepting. If there’s a manual for opening your heart to that, i would read it cover-to-cover.

You know, for a very long time now, i have not been able to feel sympathize for anyone, or anything. I keep feeling like they don’t deserve my sympathy. And i hate it when someone praises me. To my ears, it feels like their making fun of me. So you understand the complexity of my damaged soul? I hope it wasn’t beyond repaired yet, although I'm sure its quite far from the shore.

I hate my sarcastic, sneering self. I hate hearing myself taking a hard jab of witty response at people. I hate, and i know it shows insecurity. Hell, i have no confidence, and i have the feeling that it shows too, like a label outside of a product packaging. I want to change.

Puisi hati yang berputus asa.

Hati janganlah terus mengharap
Dia tak mungkin memandang,
Tak mungkin mendengar,
Adanya dia disisinya,
Dunia ini, hanya ada mereka

Hati janganlah terus mengharap
Kelak pedih yang bertandang,
Dicelah hiruk pikuk hingar-bingar,
Suara hatimu tak mungkin didengarnya,
Biarpun kau terjerit hingga keakhir ketika

Hati janganlah terus mengharap,
Kelak kau hanya menambah radang,
Luka dan keinginan yang tak kunjung pudar,
Apalah ertinya mengharap, andai kau tahu tiada penghujungnya,
Mungkin jalan yang terbaik adalah putus asa

Hati, lepaskanlah.
Hati, lupakanlah.
Hati, padamkanlah.

Dia tak mungkin jadi milikmu,
Biar seagung mana rindu disemai,
Biar semanis mana senyum dirungkai,
Biar sehebat mana cinta dimeterai.

Hatinya miliki dia.
Itu yang termaktub.
Dan itulah hakikat.

smile. or fake it.

Well I learnt a valuable lesson today. Nobody cares if you fake a smile, as long as you do, but if you put on a sour face, everybody will say that you’re such a moody person.

A colleague approached me during lunchtime today. We were standing and looking at a friend’s photo on another friend’s computer screen. It was totally a leisure time. I was being socially friendly with all of them, when she said “I wanted to ask you this morning, but i saw that you were so moody, so i dare not”. From her tone, I knew that she don’t meant well. She just wanted to sarcastically remind me of my moody behaviour early in the morning. But she say it in front of others, and try to put it as a joke. Oh well, kid me not. I know a fake joke like the back of my hand. I can see through her.

But like i said, it was a good leisure time. I don’t plan to be mad, although her words was enough to fuel my anger. In normal circumstances, I will probably reply her with some nasty sarcasm. But not today. I just don’t have the energy. So all i said was, “Oh so sorry, I was in bad state. KY is leaving and suddenly I am the stand-in. I totally had no idea about her project, and only have 3 days to learn it.”

“Oh really? Why not ask KP to help you?”
”Cannot lah, if he help me, then how about his work”
”He got nothing to do la..I see him always walk around doing nothing”

At that remark, I shut my mouth. I really have no reply for her. Not that I’m agreeing with her about how KP is spending his time doing nothing, but because I was stunned by how narrow minded her remarks was. Does sitting unmoving all day at your desk considered as “busy doing work”? So if i take a break every hour, walking to another table or another office to have a discussion, and being immaterial at my desk, i will be considered as “having nothing to do”?
Seriously?

Until now i still feel hurt by her words. I thought of putting my rants on facebook (for her to see of course!), but then i realized, it’s not even worth it. A person as shallow as that will only see her trouble, not others.

As for the smile, i know for sure i will not be able to plaster some fake smile onto my face when i walk into the office tomorrow. Or the day after. Or any other day. Smile or not smile, it’s my mouth. I can’t fake it. So too bad if they see me as a moody person, because I care not for what they think of me. I never pretend. Truth is, that’s one of my weakness. I can’t pretend.

forgiveness

i was on mc today. actually i have been feeling under the weather since i was at my friend’s house during the weekend, but who knows this morning i really don’t feel like going to work. heavy head, running nose, and my throat, its almost like its burning. now i feel better. anyway..

i love how movies/books that i read often gives me a good reflection on my life, making me feel better. how do i put it? right after i finish watching the movie, or finish reading the book, i will usually find myself at a place where i will analyze my life, and realize that it wasn’t as bad as i perceived it to be.

lately i have had a real dilemma with my work. it feels like its been going no where. and i am still alone. no boyfriend, husband, let alone a close male friend. i hate to admit, how shallow i have been, thinking that with all that i don’t have, my life is bad. how can i say that my work is bad, when there are people still looking for a good job? how can i say that i can only live peacefully once i have found my better half? now that i put it in words, i find myself feeling embarrassed with my shallowness.

i remember watching a trailer of a local movie. one of the character, a mother, was saying something like “are you so great, so grand, that God can’t even touch you? can’t even test you for a bit?”

i haven't got the chance to watch the full movie yet, but that phrase alone was like a slapped to my bare face. a wake up call. really, do i perceive myself as so great, that God supposedly exclude me from all of his test? because i often blame my fate, as if to say that whatever happens, i have got nothing to do with it. how selfish i have been.

truthfully, I'm done being someone who blame others for her own mistakes, her own misjudgement. I'm done being someone who think that she’s above all the others. I’m so tired of fighting my fate, which i think if i work harder, i can make it better. only that i have this stupid habit to only wait for thing to change for me, thus causing me to be in this sickly situation.

i miss my dad, so much. i know this is rare, but actually its been on my mind for so long. i know what he did to my mom, to our family was wrong. but that doesn’t give me any right to judge him. to hate him. i am his daughter. what have i done to him? i did not even try to save him. i let him follow his own angry heart, and in the end he did the biggest mistake of deserting his own family. instead of trying to save their marriage, i feel relieved that they are separated. i find it easier to live that way. as a daughter, wasn’t it my obligation to at least try to save them? frankly i don’t know, and i have never even bother to think about it. i let it go. i don’t even want to see him during last Raya. which i regretted. because now i miss him terribly. and i have something to confess. during those time when i was still mad at him, i had, for numerous times, pray that he will die. not that his demise will be the punishment for him, but because to me, i feel like the only way i can actually love him is when he longer in this world. My goodness, how can i become such daughter? if given a chance to meet him, i just want him to know that I'm no longer mad at him. what's done is done. it damaged him as much as it damaged us. of course everything can be avoided if only he is a better person, better father, but nobody’s perfect. I'm so sad that I'm only realizing it now, but anyhow, i just hope that I'm not too late.

i miss my Abah.

I hope its not a crime...

to miss someone that you can no longer have.

Lately, i have been thinking about you, about us, a lot. In each of my waking moment, you are in my mind. I cant help but to think about what we could have been. The alternate ending. One where i smile, and not drowning in my own tears like right now.

I am miserable. All these lousy thoughts about what could have happen drives me insane. Im tired.

I know you will never look back, but if you ever did, then look at me for once this time, and tell me.

Seriously, i miss you too much, it broke my heart. Too much.

So...

First I had to see you got away. Then I had to accept that you've had found her. Then I had to learn that you're getting married.

Today, I had to hear, from you, that your wife had just delivered and you're now a father.

I don't want to blame the ugly fate of my life for what had happened. I want to accept what I see and hear with good heart.

I wish you, that lucky lady who is your wife, and your newborn son, all the best in life.
All the best.