“first kiss in secret is rainbow”

the life question, as always

well, as usual, on the Sunday night of my entirely non-beneficial, full-of-craps weekend, i will come to ponder that how come my life turn out to be like this? or maybe specifically, how did i ended up here?

I’d just spent the last 6 hours watching (well, actually re-watching, cause I've seen some of the episodes before) a drama series about a guy re-counting all the events that lead to how he met his wife, to his kids. I’ve been watching this series for few seasons now, and somehow, i feel like i have some sort of familiar resemblance with the main character who, in his mid thirties, still did not seem to be able to find his “the one”. Of course this is just a fiction, and i believe many people out there have the similar thinking that this character is similar to them, but it gets me to conclude of one thing: we all thought that we will be somewhere someday, but the journey, to some of use, it has been painful and no one knows when it will end.

No, I'm not just writing this in spite of how depressing i feel to still be single at this age. Truth is, i used to imagine that somewhere along the line, by this time, I'm already able to get my life in shape. So have some things sorted out. Having a good life, spectacular career and undeniably promising future. But unfortunately, my life is nowhere near being great, i find my job sucks, and the future, just say i don’t see the light at the tunnel. Nowadays, i even get scared to dream, to wish of something. I’ve become cynical, like…whenever i wish for something, i can almost hear at the back of my brain, telling me “yeah, you wish”. Its almost like a joke. My whole life been a joke…a big fat joke.

For example, i used to be mad at my father for sort of ruining my life when he walked out on us at the time when i had just started my life, but then, i learnt from an old teacher just last week about how i had in turn being the the disappointment of my father's life. We were at Mr D office because i wanted to retrieve some papers related to my second brother – who is a disabled. I thought i was on a such noble mission, finishing what my father should have been doing if only he was a much more responsible father. I thought I'm being the respectful sister, trying to help my brother after our father disappoint us all. But who knows, when i heard what Mr D had to say, it was like a bomb that had drop right on top of me, crushing every bravado i had built for years long. “I remember your father, he’s such a jovial person, always laughing when he talks” Mr D said to my brother, and we both laugh at that remarks, noting that as really how our father had been. Such big-talker he is, and loud too! I remember we used to back-talk him from behind, mimicking whatever he was saying to his audience. “I remember him saying his daughter will a doctor, just waiting for a letter and she’s good to go” It was just like that, i felt like I'd been strike by lighting. I muster a smile, hiding my surprise. “yeah, that was me” “oh so you’re a doctor?” Naturally that would be Mr D’s reaction. “No no…i didn't end up being a doctor. Didn't even get into medical school” Painful, but i just had to answer him. Luckily it was only him, and almost stranger – and my brother were in that room. My face was already hot from embarrassment. “Well that's too bad. I remember how proud your father was at that time, telling me about how you’ll become a doctor” Just smile. I can’t even utter any word at that time. “I guess its just not meant to be then” I nodded, and smile again. Not meant to be. Not meant to be, just like how my dad was not meant to be with us anymore. When something that had been anticipated, hoped for, turn out not happening, people will just conclude it as “not meant to be”. But the disappointment, that's what left of it. The disappointment. That's what i had gave my father. And God knows how i feel deranged by it.

Of course you’ll think that I'm totalling being overreacted here, feeling bad for some disappointment that happened a long time ago. And what more, me and my father probably on a fair trade here, i disappoint him by not being what he thought i can be, and he disappoint me by leaving us. But this thing, its not the first time i heard it. Try saying that your ambition is to be a doctor, and hear her retort. She’ll just say “no, don’t feed me with such ambition that will never happen, once was enough”. And you know what, she meant me. She had the same hoped as my father, so i can only guess that she had she same disappointment when it didn't happened. I used to be mad whenever i hear my mom said that, thinking that she was so mean, trying to control my life. Trying to guilt-trap me into admitting that i was their huge disappointment. But now i realize, it wasn't just them that i had disappointed.

All my life, ever since i learn that there’s no way i can go back and pick up my old ambition and go for it again, I've turn into such weirdos that keep making excuses for itself. For instance, I leap in happiness whenever i hear someone didn't get to become a doctor due to them failing the tests etc. Or when i hear that a doctor went wayward, doing bad things, i will say to myself, Thank God i didn't;t end up being one. Truth is, I'm a sad little person who can never come back from knowing that she can’t be who want to be, because of the wrong turn I've made in life. I took one mistaken lane, and that's it, the pave has been all wrong since then. While I'm at it, let me tell you a little secret too. I never had the courage to watch any kind of medical drama/movie because it just like being slapped right on the face. until today, i still cannot face the fact that I've failed, and knew the fact that I've failed a long time ago.

Ever since then, I'm just a lazy drifter who simply takes everything for granted. Like when i had bad job, i blame the company, the people i work with, the education I've had. When i had bad financial, I blame my father, i blame the economy, i blame the state of things around me.

I’m just not brave enough to accept the fact that I've failed, and pick up my life for better. For years, all I'm doing is simply punishing myself for things i could not be, for things i could not have, for moments I've lost.

I don’t even know how to be right again. Like i said, such a coward, aren’t I?