broken dreams

today i read a story about a girl who tried to take her life after being dumped by her boyfriend. of course what she did was stupid, but i sort of feel pity for her. everyone knows that love don’t last, but love was not even the thing that hurt the most.

so what is? well, to me, i find that when things like that happened, being dumped, being left, abandoned…it was never the lost love that break me. its the broken dreams, the shattering glasses of my crystal hope that hurt me.

love come and go. but hope, how do you actually build again that broken hope? seriously, i salute those who able to do that. those who managed to build themselves again after such despairing episode. i salute, and i want them to know that they are the lucky ones. because personally, that part of building-back was the hardest to me. in fact, that was the very part that i am still not knowing where to begin.

i like this video. and the melody of this song. and the lyrics.

a monster today

i was being a real pain-in-the-ass today. i snapped at friend who was truly being a bit more caring. i answer the phone with monotone. i smile perhaps just a pinch. then for the rest of the day, i sort of drift off in my own world.

i hate it. i hate that monster. i want to be myself again.

it’ll all get better in time…

…will it?

Shake It Out

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

….i’ll continue striving to find the days when the door truly closed.

credit to: Florence + The Machine – Shake It Out

down with the flu

I was down with some nasty flu & fever over the weekend. Well, somehow my wish did came true. I did not do any work during the weekend, in fact – i did not do anything at all. Literally.

I don’t remember having flu & fever this bad before. Normally, I can still at least function. But what happened last weekend was totally unexpected. I fall flat.  No energy – despite my constant drinking of Vitagen. My throat was burning, and I can only bring myself to drink the Vits. Not sure how that is affecting me, good or bad.

I wish for this sickness never happen again, and with that, i’m going to be more careful with my diets, daily activities, ensuring that i have enough rest and so on. I’d rather be occasionally upset finding i have a lot to do than to try and do a lot of things and drive myself crazy again. (Hopefully boss get the hint too! I’m not young la, late 20s already…)

Tonight I'm finding myself missing my work. Haha. I know, as if that even possible. I also know that as soon as I step my feet on the building tomorrow, the feeling will change. It’s just – I don’t feel good not working. I’m constantly worried. (this is the exact same feeling I felt when I was a lot younger, when it rains in the morning, I cried when mom said I don’t have to go to school. the very thought of missing out freak me to no ends.)

Anyhow, despite being sick, I manage to download and read The Hunger Games. Not yet finish, but goodness, I lost count of how many times I almost cry reading it. Such inspirational book.

Going to get my beauty sleep now. Night world.