torture

how can I remain calm, when your laugh whistling at my ears like an elf song, calling for attention, soothing my soul like an angel’s lullaby.

since the last time i wrote, we’ve been in touch a lot more than i had ever imagined. it’s like, the more I'm thinking about it, the more i feel like i hate to live if i can’t have you. you’re in my every prayers, you’re in my every words whispered late at night, you’re in my every hopes and dreams.

and of course, you’re so much in my dream I'm almost wanted to live in it. somehow, I'm feeling the vibes that I'm not the only one with feeling here. but i could be wrong.

in fact, i was wrong before, too. can’t deny the fact that deep deep down, I'm still very much hurt by all that happens.

it’s your birthday dear friend, have a good day, and i’ll miss you always!

O.M.G

oh I'm so loving this song at the moment. Usher is such a great performer!

we’ve sort of started to talk more and more now. i hope i can remain calm and be myself all the time. i wouldn’t want to be the person who acts like ‘someone else’ in front of the person they like. i want to be myself. (which i don’t know which one, but regardless….)

this may be too forward, but i do feel like i want to hug him whenever i see him. its such a weird feeling.

window to the past, door to the future

i really afraid of what might happen tomorrow, for today is good enough that i manage to stay afloat of all my troubles.

i can’t get rid of the thinking that i had the worst among the rest. i tried to see past there peoples, to find the day where i can finally say, “at least my life is better than that”. but i can’t find it. not anywhere. it’s like, the more i think about it, the more it hurts. the more it makes me feel like life is too hard to get on.

occasionally, i did find a thing or two that made me happy. but along the line, there will be one turn that open up to all the sadness. if feels like rains, pouring on you, and there goes the sunny day.

now i feel like crying, while its just few hours earlier i was so euphoric sadness seems to be at bay. what is wrong with me. why can’t i just be happy?

how unfair

not only that he has good looks, he also drove smart car!

giddy

i feel high with euphoria at the moment. been smiling nonchalantly since the past hour. smiling as i type these words. smiling.

i feel like as if i was freely running in a field of poppies, breezy wind wiping down my pink cheek, and everything else is right in its place.

ok, a girl can dream.

i did the unthinkable today. usually i have always wished to go home together with him. well, at least to share the lift. always wishing, but never actually get the chance. or someone else will be in the lift.

but today, i sort of plan it. i saw him going, then i quickly grab my things and left. just like that.

we talked, which probably the longest we’ve talked since last 5 months, and although the topic is super boring..at least we’ve talked. and most importantly, i manage to stay calm, and act casually. (although inside my heart, its already singing that song i wrote about yesterday!)

i know its not much. but its enough.

close your eyes, gimme your hand, darling

today i want to be cheesy. I want to sound corny. I want to be that stupid airhead who falls head-over-heel at some guy who doesn’t even take notice of her. I want to be that girl, who couldn’t care less if the guy she adores already with someone else.

He’s such a perfect creatures from God. Good looks, perfect gentleman, hardworking. I can spend whole night typing about all the positive things i see in him. And its a never-ending list, for i can only describe him with the best. He’s such a torture.

I still remember the very first time i met him. I was introduced to that place as the ‘new girl’ who will join later. So that meeting was rather a short one, which i wasn’t even supposed to take notice of anyone or anything. In fact i didn’t remember anyone i was introduces to that day, except for him. That one remarkably handsome person who sits near the entrance door. (No, of course he’s not the receptionist! That office has a weird seating location i would say. But anyhow.)

It’s not that because of where he was sitting that caused me to remember him. I was, to put it nicely, drawn towards him in a way i could not explain. On impulse, i shake hands with him, which truly rather inappropriate in our situation (and he was shocked, i remember!), but it was too late for me to back out when i realized my action. Trust me, to this day, i am still so embarrass by that moment.

I remember dreading my time to join that department. The only thing i was looking forward was to be his colleague. To work near him. To know him.

Then the day finally came, and it has been 5 months since i joined this department. Did we became close friend? Did he now my boyfriend? ha-ha I wish. We were rather casual I would say, with few words exchanged, questions, answers – that sort of things you do with your officemate. And he’s such a higher level, and EVERYBODY’s favourite. I can’t just whisk him away and be my doll.

And he was also hugely rumoured as having feeling towards his bestfriend. A woman. A married woman. An easy-going, another everybody’s favourite girl whom i guess just get along so well with him that made him so hooked on her. Urghhh…I wish to be that lucky lady.

Whenever I see him, my heart literally skip a beat. When he talks to me, I became the stupidest person on earth, not knowing what's best to say, or trying too hard to calm myself and refrain from flipping out. Whenever I hear his voice, it sounded like the best song I've ever listened to.

And when he walk by my table, i swear my brain+heart starts to play the song from Bangles, you know…one that goes like this,

“…close your eyes, give me your hand, darling
do you feel my heart beating,
do you understand,
do you feel the same,
or am i only dreaming,
this is burning, and eternal flame…”

Well, if only he’s mine.

quarter-year resolutions.

Well, just to let you know how hard it is for me to write about whatever I'm planning to write below, i can’t even settle on a title for this post.

as a start, you have to understand that I have a weird made-up system in my brain (and probably heart) that goes like this – whenever I'm facing with tough-super-emotional situation, something inside my brain will be like, shut off, and puffs! i will no longer be thinking about the earlier said problem. When something hurtful happens, i can tell my heart to stop dwelling with the pain, and get on, as if the thing never happen.

Of course these actions doesn’t solve the problem, and i know I'm almost like ignoring the problem, but like i said, its a made up system. I hate dwelling on pain so much that I'm willing to let it pass, never thinking about it.

I was on the train today, when it hits me that i did have a rough life. Not bad, or total earth-shattering, but rough, as in..tough to live in. at least for me, that’s how i think about it. and I'm also started to get symptoms of depression, like having too much inside and it is waiting to come out – exploding – out and about. I do realize its not healthy.

Maybe writing about my real feeling wouldn't be so bad after all. I will try it someday – elaborating every takes and turns of it. but first i will put it in points, in case I forgot about it later.

a) how i feel about dad, and his whole stint of leaving us in our times of needs. And most of all, how his action had affected us, in ways i never thought possible, and unfair in every aspect. how i wish for a revenge, but he’s my dad, and i really don't want to hate him. how i think he has ruined the lives of us all, and I would want to redeem it – if possible.

b) how i feel about A, his whole casual friend thing really hit me like a blizzards. how i miss him everyday, and still confuse why this guy got me hooked for years now. how i wish i never knew him, then maybe i can have a proper love life. how i resolve not to be his go-to girl anymore, and how i wish to keep it this way.

c) how i feel about my job, about my future – that's now so bleak i dare not to take a peek at it. how i wish I'd made different decision, and maybe i can be somewhere else right now.

d) how i wish to tell my mom, my brothers and sisters how i feel, and my hope an wishes to them.

well, guess that's enough for a plan. I will write above in details, one by one, as a way to help myself out of this great depression moment. I hope by letting it out, i wouldn't be so boiled up inside and i can focus on other things.