these are three people (hmm..guy!) or superstar that i find most likable.
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From top: Johnny Depp, Marc Anthony, Orlando Bloom
Aren't their ladies lucky to have them? Oh well except for Marc Anthony of course, who just recently split up from his wife J.Lo, the other two are all happily living with their partner & kids.
(pics credit to Google search)
why can’t you be forgotten, so easily, like any other thing in my life?
somehow, i will always be reminded of you. of your existence. of your love.
i lost my way. i lost my dream. i lost you.
i am an inch away from losing myself, and yet i know, there’s no one but me to get me out of this misery i created for myself.
to others, you may not even existed at all. you’re the phantom of my opera.
i really am tired following your shadows.
I'd never be able to admit it, but i knew that somehow, along our lines of friendship, I'd fall for you.
and it has always been you.
i can’t hate you cause you did nothing wrong. you ripped my heart, and torn my dream, yet i can’t find the reason to blame you. i can’t even erase the memories i had of you, though very little, yet so significance.
i am right here, waiting for you. do you hear me?
do you care?
Until now, i still don’t know if this ethereal feeling really exist. Many talked about it, say that they’ve experienced it. But do they really?
Regardless, I want to feel it too. I want to be swallowed by love, i want to love with all my heart. I want to be that person who was falling hopelessly in love, drowning, suffocated by love.
This is miserable.
Out of the blue, i had the urge of watching this particular Korean drama. It was wildly popular back when i was in my college years, but i had never watched them. I supposed i have not yet caught with the ‘Korean Drama Fever’ at that time – only starting to watch & madly in love with K-Drama after My Girl.
Anyhow, though I’ve never seen it, and before i read any of its synopsis, I knew that Winter Sonata would be such melancholy drama, full with conflicts, heart broken and unrequited love. That's the usual mixture, wasn’t it? Where there’s love, there’s unfulfilled hope, misery, tears, pain…and the list goes on.
I had never actually fall in love, or being loved back. Wait, I’ll rephrase that. I did fall in love once – but never being loved by that person, and some person did professed their love for me – but i was never in the right place to accept it. Before i found that person I’d loved so much, i have always preparing my self for him. Emptying my heart in case he arrive, making sure that the seat not taken. And after I’d lost him, I was still ensuring that the seat is not taken, in case he come back. In case he found his way back to me. Such a hopeless person, aren’t I?
He never said he loves me. I don’t even know what was going on between us. Yet he held such a prominent place in my heart. I remember hoping that our relationship would be more that just one of his ‘try-out’. Will he ever understand that his existence means the world to me?
What i hate the most is that how i am still so much attached to his memory, i am unable to move along, unable to open my heart to others, unable to be hopeful again. I was so scared of the pain, i dared not to even step forward. Deep inside me, i had a notion where i was telling my self that since i could not have the love i want, I'd rather not having any love at all for the rest of my life.
And, tell me how is that possible when I had never look for the translation of that theme song on Winter Sonata, and yet when I did, it seems like it was spelling out what was inside my heart all the time, word by word.
From Beginning To End - Ryu
You will never come back to me and you can't do it,
please stop doing so, you comfort me like this..
If I can't see you again, I really want to forget..
all about you that hold me
Whenever I want to laugh, you make me cry..
You keep me from doing even one thing as I want..
Whenever I miss you, I break down like this.
Even though I try to forget, I cannot do it..
*If I can't see you again, I really want to forget..
all about you that hold me
Whenever I want to laugh, you make me cry..
You keep me from doing even one thing as I want..
Whenever I miss you, I break down like this.
Even though I try to forget, I cannot do it..
I didn't realize loving one is so hard like this.
life is not easy, let alone fair, but that does not means that we can go around whining and blaming others for our misfortune.
that does not mean that I can go around holding vengeance against my dearest father for leaving us at the time when we need him the most.
if I'm being truly frank with myself, the part where he left was sort of a good thing. he sort of like giving us the push we all have always needed.
relationship, to me its like a mutual agreement. both parties have to agree to remain in collaboration in order to make it work. when one party disagree, nothing will work anymore. and any force used on them will only make it worst. and that's what happened.
he left before it became worst. they already not talking for at least 3 years. mom probably had it since, maybe forever. even if there’s still love between them, they, as the parents need to sort them out themselves. as the kid, i have no reason to still be mad, or keep thinking that his action has affect how i live my life, and keep blaming him for all the missteps that i have took.
ever since the day he left, or way before that – since i had to be the main bread-earner in the family, or the one who makes the decision on where and how my brother going to further his study – i keep on feeling like he had robbed me off my life. i cant help but to yearn for a responsible father, and keep wondering how different my life would be if i have one. and i have somehow had the silly idea of thinking that my life would not be as bad as this if he’s a responsible father.
i keep lying to myself, telling that whatever that had gone wrong, was not my fault, its all because i was pushed into this silly life. i know i made a mistake to think like that. its just, sort of comforting, to be able to put your mistake to somebody else’s shoulder. yet, like all the lies, it will eventually come haunting you. you know its not right, so it will not become right, no matter how you try to swallow it.
i may not have the best in life, but i certainly did not do it bad at all. i manage to keep the family intact after he left, sent my brothers to boarding school, then to college. my sisters just finished her primary exams, and soon will be in secondary school. i manage to somehow scoop out some money to repair our roof, and now we have a better veranda. sure mom is sick, but i think, having me, at least her burden was not so bad. i know she’s worry about me, so I'm going to do my best to take that worries away from her.
like everyone else, i sure do have my own dream. in fact, i have plenty of them. but ultimately, i want to have a solid happy family, with responsible parents, and beautiful kids. i want to build a life that makes me happy, and i want to be able to be financially independent. that doesn’t mean that i want to be alone for the rest of my life, cause someday, i believe that the ‘right one’ will come knocking at my door, and sweep me off my feet. i want to be a good wife, who completes the husband. i want to be a mother, that my kids can be proud of me, just like how i am so proud of my mother. i want to be a good responsible parents, that ensure my kids gets the best in life.
i pray to God that one day, i can live the life i dream of. till then, i am going to cherish this life i have, and be myself. whoever that is. and i want to enjoy this life, and be a good person.
and as for that person I'm currently crushing at, i can only wish that he sees me the way i see him, and that he is ‘the one’. but if he’s not, then, well…i am going to keep looking.
I’ve had this question since like, forever. I have always wandering, who the real me is. Somehow, I still feel like i am just pretending to be whoever i am, for the sake of not being an outcast. Yet, it feels so fake. so so so fake.
oh i cant even finish this
have you ever tried to pick at your old getting-dried wound, just to see if it will still gives you pain? or worse, if its still bleeding.
i did. and mine bled like nobody's business. i regret doing it, but i suppose i have the answer i was looking for just at the right moment.
it’s been a while now. yet, every now and then, i often find myself being dragged down by the sadness. somehow, its like there’s a void right here in my heart that begin the day you left.
i miss you. truly miss you. and i just can’t stop asking myself, why, why can’t it be me?
i know i have to stop. somehow, somewhere. but i have no clue how.
they say time will heal. i wonder, how long will it takes to wipe away those memories?
I’ve been..umm, sort of living on auto-pilot these past few days. To be exact, (and honest) – since the day i learnt that you’ve engaged. Since the day i learnt that all my dreams, all my hope, all my possibilities – will forever remain as it is, and will never come true.
Who am i kidding? Look at how different our life is. You and your grand life, me and my never-ending miseries. We’ll be like the odd ends of two sides, together but yet, not together. So probably all that happened is all for the best.
But again, who am i kidding? I’ve been at lost since that day. I’ve never felt this lonely before, nor that i had imagined myself feeling so so down nothing could ever lift me up that floor again. Like a crystal ball, my soul shattered to million of pieces – unable to be amended.
Living on autopilot wasn’t so bad either. Its more like you have all the time to learn about yourself, to find who you really is, and at the same time, avoid all the substance that could hurt you.
I don’t know if this is the best solution. And i don’t even care if it’s not.
I’m still, at this very moment, pathetically missing you.
Jangan hanya kau lihat pada mataku,
Kerana apa yang dilihat bukan apa yang tersirat,
Usah hanya menuding jarimu,
Mencari kesilapan yang kusedari sejak dulu.
Tidak kupinta simpatimu,
Biarlah diri ini terus dilukai,
Kerana hujan tetap berhenti, mendung pasti berarak pergi,
Pabila muncul sang mentari, tabah aku disini.
Kata maafmu umpama jauhari,
Tak akan mungkin diri ini memiliki,
Cinta bagai angin yang terus berlalu pergi,
Dinginnya terasa, menambah berat dihati.
Tuhan andai ini takdirMu,
Aku pasrah dalam meniti kehidupanku,
Biarlah kucari ketenangan disanubari,
Moga terubatlah rindu, terpadamlah sepi
Menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu
Membuat ku terdiam dan terpaku
Mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
Saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku
Banyak kata
Yang tak mampu kuungkapkan
Kepada dirimu
Aku ingin engkau slalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Disetiap langkah
Yang meyakiniku
Kau tercipta untukku
Sepanjang hidupku
Aku ingin engkau slalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Disetiap langkah
Yang meyakiniku
Kau tercipta untukku
Meski waktu akan mampu
Memanggil seluruh ragaku
Ku ingin kau tau, Kuslalu milikmu
Yang mencintaimu, Sepanjang hidupku
Sungguh…hanyalah dirimu yang aku cintai
Dan sungguh…ku kan disisimu hingga ku mati
I deactivated my Facebook account. No, it wasn’t hacked, or i was getting too popular, or anything.
I just feel like, umm…a loser.
I lost in the battle of life. I’ve lost my purpose. My hope. My dreams.
And it is too painful to see others shining so brightly, while my life gets dimmer every seconds.
well maybe it is for the best. maybe this is what i need, after all that heartache. all the insanity.
go please. and don’t come back.
stop casting your shadow over me.
I've had enough.
well i still can’t quite believe that it happened.
not sure if its because this is what i have been waiting and hoping for a really long time – but had no expectation that it WILL actually happen, or because i can still hear your voice, the voice that I've been missing for long, saying those words so-matter-factly.
“hey you know, i’ve engaged” those are your words. i remember hoping for this time, yet now i truly understand what it means by be careful with what you hope for. it’s ourworldly different.
its been tough days since. i tried to move on my life as usual, yet inside, i feel much lonelier than i’d ever felt before.
i guess you weren’t just a dot in my heart. in fact you’re many dots, filling up my heart, yet never really there.
i need to forget those feeling. you know that’s my one weakness.
well, i always thought that you’d be the one. but now, it seems like its just get more impossible than ever.
it’s a heartbreak. but i think i’m quite ok. i know this will pass, just like any other things. so be it.
goodbye, and good luck.
i am not even sure if that's a word. pin prick. its kind of a feeling, of pain, right? its not severe, yet it is still hurt. ha, i am not even sure if that kind of pain really suit whatever i am going through right now.
the thing is, i am feeling very much under the weather. i need someone to talk to, desperately, yet i do not want anyone to know about what i am going through, cause its very private. its personal.
i don't even know how many times I've been letting out some loud sigh. its inevitable. i think i am having a kind of depression, and i hope its not a bad ones. perhaps its just the kind that can be fixed by a cup of coffee.
however, I've been drinking almost a big mug of coffee since two hours ago, and this discomfort in my chest didn't really going anywhere.
let me just get straight to the point. at home, i have to face my mom whom nearing her menopause days, and also at the same time is a diabetic. she’s cranky, and very sensitive at all times. then there’s my two teenage brothers who just – well, being a teenager. they only thought of their feeling, and headstrong. on top of all these, my dad left us some two years ago, so i have to say, apart from the inevitable emotional turmoil, we also face some high degree of financial difficulties. i almost exclusively pouring all of my salary to the family benefits, yet nothing seems to be enough. i learnt the hard ways that keeping a family is not an easy thing, but its not really an option. besides, they are my happiness. then there’s also the job, which i don't see going anywhere. i may not be good, but i know i can do things, better than whatever i am doing now. but then, i always find myself being swopped by the tides, drowning me in the sea of endless works. some people said i was being bullied at work, and guess what, i don't even realize it! my daily goal – is to go back and sleep, cause that's the only time my brain is free from all the above.
i feel myself walking on thin ice. i cant make a wrong move, or I'll break it, and bring everyone i love with me down.
its just too big of a stake to carry on one’s shoulder.
as i walked home today, i get a realization – much needed realization – on my life. It’s nothing peculiar, or supergreat, yet i think its important for me to get a firm understandng about life – my life for that matter.
so here it goes…
“I may have clung too hard onto the relationship that i had with him, even though it was far too short and too brief to be actually called a relationship. I was so “into” it until i go on telling people he’s my boyfriend, or someone who cheated on me, or someone who i could have a future with but it did not end up the way i had wished. I used to elaborate, improvise, or even alter some memories i had with him to make it believable. Although at most time i do admit that nothing really going on between us, i still sometimes mourn him as if he was actually my EX. It’s beyond crazy, I supposed.
I thought this firmness was due to love. I thought i really had fallen hard for him. Well, so much for a thinking.
Then tonight, I realize something that i should have seen years ago.
I was not love. It was never love, for i know that deep inside me, i’m quite incapable to truly love a person that much – for i have an inclination that people whom you loved too much will eventually fails you. So i really don’t give any love, for i know it was just a temporary pleasures, and my heart is too valuable to enjoy such temporary thing then got hurt and broken.
So what was it? It was hope. His good life giving me hope that he has the capacity and capabilities of overshadowing my own sad pathetic miserable life. I was hoping to get out of this circle I'm in, by his help. Because he was such a stable person, with stable mind state, stable life. And God knows i craved for such stability just so that my life is making sense even, if at all.
I was so hurt when that little “interaction” we had did not come to any conclusion, because, with him leaving, there goes my hope. There goes my stability.
So unless love is hope, then whatever that i had for him before was not love. And i think i can accept that you can’t just plant your hope on people who came by like he did, and i have to build that stability that i need by my own self.
It’s just, it is still a long way to go. But regardless…”
it seems like ages since the last time i wrote. so a lot has happened, and a lot still remain the same as it was before. in other words, that's what a normal life consist of, no?
i thought of writing about something else today. albeit my fugly appearance, what with me being a-little-overwight and all, i do love high fashion. each days i spent my good 2 hours (at least!) to browse on those fashions website, or those that features artists. well, they always look good, arent they? afterall, thats what they are being paid for. to look good in front of others eyes. how lucky.
anyhow, let just go straight to the point. maybe for this time, I'll share some of my recent eye-candy…(at first i wanted to do it nicely, with photoshop and all, but who knows my license expired and i cant find the f----ing CD. ergh.)
My first and supermost favourite are those dresses from Marchesa. In fact, this fashion power house was the one name that brought me to this land of high fashion. I think, even the name sounds so elegant!
But at the moment, I also like some of these dresses from Erdem,
also, these from Sherri Hill are quite interesting too!
then, one particular evening dress (is it?) from Monique Lhuillier below
and a nice body-fit bandage dress from Herve Leger. oh, make that two!
Then this amazingly simple (to my eyes) gingham dress from Chanel
And a chic dress from Christian Cota
and many many more. I will update more picks next time around!
And on another note, given the chance to stand next to you, having the feeling of my blouse against your shirt, smelling your sweet aftershave and hearing your voice so near to my ears – definitely put a pause in my heart beat. Actually, it’s almost like, it beats too fast and it is also stop at the same time. How magical is that!
And if only you knew how i really feel about you…hmmm…*off to sing Eternal Flame tune to accompany my blooming heart*
i had a blast hanging out with some old friends last nite. I have to say, its the most needed dosage of ‘something else’ in my super mono life. somehow i feel like this life is not totally hopeless for me, and still, there’s hope left. even if its just one tiny bit of hope.
then tonight, still feeling afresh from yesterday’s remembrance, i went and flip through some old photos, listening to some old songs that i used to love, and eventually, my mind arrived at the one episode where our life used to be intertwined, or perhaps the life where i was so hopelessly fantasize that we were some kind of a thing.
i sane enough now to understand, and accept that there was nothing going on between us. you’re as good as a made-up boyfriend that i used to supposedly look normal. of course you do exist, but thinking back, all those odd times we used to share, seems so fake i would do anything if i have the ability to erase it from my life.
thinking of you used to make me feel warm. i used to smile remembering our conversation, our jokes together, our phone calls, our messages. now its like thousand of needles. deep down i feel so hurt by whatever that happen, or if i put it correctly, by whatever that i thought will happen between us, but did not.
i wonder why you even bother to get to know me. am i that bad, so unlovable, that you decided to just play with my heart, then let it hang there with no reason.
i used to think that I'm just one of your many options, and weirdly enough, thinking that i can handle being an option, cause somehow i do believe you will choose me. stupid and irrelevant. i was so blinded my what fantasy had offered me, until i can’t see the reality, and most importantly, denied it.
i thought. i thought. i thought.
now i realized you exist only in my own lame fantasy, and you’ll never come around and choose me. why then, you take such effort to knock on my door, when you have no intention to come in after all?
I'm still broken, but i have decided to move on. no matter how lonely this road will be, I'll never look back.
well, you may wonder what is it that i am not ready about.
but no, i will not spill it, although its been in my mind for sometime now. i will not utter a word about it, in case by saying it, i’m just making it happen.
i do not, by any effing chance want to make it happen.
cause i’m not ready, not yet now, not ever.
how can I remain calm, when your laugh whistling at my ears like an elf song, calling for attention, soothing my soul like an angel’s lullaby.
since the last time i wrote, we’ve been in touch a lot more than i had ever imagined. it’s like, the more I'm thinking about it, the more i feel like i hate to live if i can’t have you. you’re in my every prayers, you’re in my every words whispered late at night, you’re in my every hopes and dreams.
and of course, you’re so much in my dream I'm almost wanted to live in it. somehow, I'm feeling the vibes that I'm not the only one with feeling here. but i could be wrong.
in fact, i was wrong before, too. can’t deny the fact that deep deep down, I'm still very much hurt by all that happens.
it’s your birthday dear friend, have a good day, and i’ll miss you always!
oh I'm so loving this song at the moment. Usher is such a great performer!
we’ve sort of started to talk more and more now. i hope i can remain calm and be myself all the time. i wouldn’t want to be the person who acts like ‘someone else’ in front of the person they like. i want to be myself. (which i don’t know which one, but regardless….)
this may be too forward, but i do feel like i want to hug him whenever i see him. its such a weird feeling.
i really afraid of what might happen tomorrow, for today is good enough that i manage to stay afloat of all my troubles.
i can’t get rid of the thinking that i had the worst among the rest. i tried to see past there peoples, to find the day where i can finally say, “at least my life is better than that”. but i can’t find it. not anywhere. it’s like, the more i think about it, the more it hurts. the more it makes me feel like life is too hard to get on.
occasionally, i did find a thing or two that made me happy. but along the line, there will be one turn that open up to all the sadness. if feels like rains, pouring on you, and there goes the sunny day.
now i feel like crying, while its just few hours earlier i was so euphoric sadness seems to be at bay. what is wrong with me. why can’t i just be happy?
i feel high with euphoria at the moment. been smiling nonchalantly since the past hour. smiling as i type these words. smiling.
i feel like as if i was freely running in a field of poppies, breezy wind wiping down my pink cheek, and everything else is right in its place.
ok, a girl can dream.
i did the unthinkable today. usually i have always wished to go home together with him. well, at least to share the lift. always wishing, but never actually get the chance. or someone else will be in the lift.
but today, i sort of plan it. i saw him going, then i quickly grab my things and left. just like that.
we talked, which probably the longest we’ve talked since last 5 months, and although the topic is super boring..at least we’ve talked. and most importantly, i manage to stay calm, and act casually. (although inside my heart, its already singing that song i wrote about yesterday!)
i know its not much. but its enough.
today i want to be cheesy. I want to sound corny. I want to be that stupid airhead who falls head-over-heel at some guy who doesn’t even take notice of her. I want to be that girl, who couldn’t care less if the guy she adores already with someone else.
He’s such a perfect creatures from God. Good looks, perfect gentleman, hardworking. I can spend whole night typing about all the positive things i see in him. And its a never-ending list, for i can only describe him with the best. He’s such a torture.
I still remember the very first time i met him. I was introduced to that place as the ‘new girl’ who will join later. So that meeting was rather a short one, which i wasn’t even supposed to take notice of anyone or anything. In fact i didn’t remember anyone i was introduces to that day, except for him. That one remarkably handsome person who sits near the entrance door. (No, of course he’s not the receptionist! That office has a weird seating location i would say. But anyhow.)
It’s not that because of where he was sitting that caused me to remember him. I was, to put it nicely, drawn towards him in a way i could not explain. On impulse, i shake hands with him, which truly rather inappropriate in our situation (and he was shocked, i remember!), but it was too late for me to back out when i realized my action. Trust me, to this day, i am still so embarrass by that moment.
I remember dreading my time to join that department. The only thing i was looking forward was to be his colleague. To work near him. To know him.
Then the day finally came, and it has been 5 months since i joined this department. Did we became close friend? Did he now my boyfriend? ha-ha I wish. We were rather casual I would say, with few words exchanged, questions, answers – that sort of things you do with your officemate. And he’s such a higher level, and EVERYBODY’s favourite. I can’t just whisk him away and be my doll.
And he was also hugely rumoured as having feeling towards his bestfriend. A woman. A married woman. An easy-going, another everybody’s favourite girl whom i guess just get along so well with him that made him so hooked on her. Urghhh…I wish to be that lucky lady.
Whenever I see him, my heart literally skip a beat. When he talks to me, I became the stupidest person on earth, not knowing what's best to say, or trying too hard to calm myself and refrain from flipping out. Whenever I hear his voice, it sounded like the best song I've ever listened to.
And when he walk by my table, i swear my brain+heart starts to play the song from Bangles, you know…one that goes like this,
“…close your eyes, give me your hand, darling
do you feel my heart beating,
do you understand,
do you feel the same,
or am i only dreaming,
this is burning, and eternal flame…”
Well, if only he’s mine.
Well, just to let you know how hard it is for me to write about whatever I'm planning to write below, i can’t even settle on a title for this post.
as a start, you have to understand that I have a weird made-up system in my brain (and probably heart) that goes like this – whenever I'm facing with tough-super-emotional situation, something inside my brain will be like, shut off, and puffs! i will no longer be thinking about the earlier said problem. When something hurtful happens, i can tell my heart to stop dwelling with the pain, and get on, as if the thing never happen.
Of course these actions doesn’t solve the problem, and i know I'm almost like ignoring the problem, but like i said, its a made up system. I hate dwelling on pain so much that I'm willing to let it pass, never thinking about it.
I was on the train today, when it hits me that i did have a rough life. Not bad, or total earth-shattering, but rough, as in..tough to live in. at least for me, that’s how i think about it. and I'm also started to get symptoms of depression, like having too much inside and it is waiting to come out – exploding – out and about. I do realize its not healthy.
Maybe writing about my real feeling wouldn't be so bad after all. I will try it someday – elaborating every takes and turns of it. but first i will put it in points, in case I forgot about it later.
a) how i feel about dad, and his whole stint of leaving us in our times of needs. And most of all, how his action had affected us, in ways i never thought possible, and unfair in every aspect. how i wish for a revenge, but he’s my dad, and i really don't want to hate him. how i think he has ruined the lives of us all, and I would want to redeem it – if possible.
b) how i feel about A, his whole casual friend thing really hit me like a blizzards. how i miss him everyday, and still confuse why this guy got me hooked for years now. how i wish i never knew him, then maybe i can have a proper love life. how i resolve not to be his go-to girl anymore, and how i wish to keep it this way.
c) how i feel about my job, about my future – that's now so bleak i dare not to take a peek at it. how i wish I'd made different decision, and maybe i can be somewhere else right now.
d) how i wish to tell my mom, my brothers and sisters how i feel, and my hope an wishes to them.
well, guess that's enough for a plan. I will write above in details, one by one, as a way to help myself out of this great depression moment. I hope by letting it out, i wouldn't be so boiled up inside and i can focus on other things.
it’s one of those weekends when i feel like my life was so torn – between the commitment of family, and my own self.
it started when my mom told me that she was invited to one of those weekend programme for the club she was in. that means – she’ll be away for the weekend, leaving my sisters in the care of their brothers.
I wasn’t at all keen with the idea of she’s joining the weekend program. But i don’t want to be selfish either. I can’t chain my mom to that God forsaken house forever, can i? So I'd tried to be cool about the whole being-away-for-the-weekend idea. I asked her about the arrangement for my sisters – will they be safe at home, etc. Everything seems to be in place, but I can’t shake off my worries.
I even contemplating with the idea of me flying off to my hometown for the weekend – even though i had just went back last week – to make sure that my sister will be well take care of when my mom was at that program. Somehow i did realize it was such a drastic idea, and i need to start trusting my brothers with the responsibility. Like i said, i can’t chain my mom forever to the house. She has the right to have a life too, albeit just for the weekend like that.
So I tried hard to shut off my worries. It ain’t easy.
Anyhow, it’s Sunday today and my mom is back at home. My sisters was all ok. My brother did fulfil his responsibility.
The it gets me thinking - have i been over-reacting? Was this whole depressing feeling i had inside all because of my over-thinking, over-reacting? How do i cure this? Now I'm feeling sick to my stomach.
Just how much disturbed I've been?
For a long long time, heart stays alone on her own. Heart never had any friend, or anyone to talk to. But heart is content, and having a good life. Heart used to have dreams around, but dreams were so fragile, and only came with the black of night, and disappeared when the sun is up.
So heart learns to be tough, and befriended courage. Courage is usually around when the tides is high, but sometimes fear scares courage away, leaving heart all alone and broken. So in the end, heart was left with loneliness and misery, two companion that always come together. Oh, and sometimes, they bring tears along.
And so heart goes through the night and day, with loneliness and misery, with tears. It was all very gloomy.
But one day, heart meets love, and immediately hope comes around. Heart, being careful, does not want to trust hope, for hope is known for breaking heart when its gone. But, love is sweet, and charming. Love is comforting, and keeps heart smiling all day.
So little by little, heart let hope stays, because hope makes love seems real. With love and hope, heart experience the best feeling in the world.
But fate has its own agenda. When heart was so deeply in love and hope is raising high like a hot balloon, fate crushes heart with truth and reality.
And just like that, love left. Hope went crushing down. And heart, broken.
[this is very random.]
As promised, here’s the start of my mini series inside my 27 things series.
Well, when i first thought of this mini series, I had few names in my head. And I sort of thought, well, with that many names, i won’t be so hard to write. Plenty of things to write about them anyway. But then I stumbled upon who should I start with. I mean, should I start with the person that had the biggest influence in my life, or start with the least. You know, then it’ll be like a fully and thoroughly thought list of series. But then, i decided for the an easier route. I’ll tell it according to the one easier for me to open up than another.
With that being said, then you should know it will start with you, my dearest friend, M.
Initially, this little loft was being set up for you. You had a rough patch in your days, and I was thinking of ways to cheer your up. So that’s when i came up with the idea of writing in here. So you can read, and at least, I hope you’ll feel better.
OK, the reason might be a little confusing. Because, isn’t it corny for me to do something that I said being done for someone else, yet it gives me a lot of space to heal my own wounds? I will not explain this, but for whatever reason, yes, this little tunnel has helped me to get through days easier than it would have been.
I have always love writing, though i am not confident enough to let people to read it. Yet, I let you to this. I let you in my little space, hoping that it will cure you out of your pain in life, like it did to me.
But did it helped? I can never know. During those times when we were still talking, it’s not once that you have asked for me to re-tell you the address of this little place. You forgot. You lost interest. At first I worked hard for you to always remember this place, as my effort to give you a little something as a diversion from your miserable life, but yet, you seemed helpless. You don’t care.
You were nice as friend. As best friend even. Caring, and always on the loop. But your priority always confusing me. I have always wanted to say this to your face, but i have no courage to break it to you. This time i’ll set it straight. It’s damn annoying when you were being so attached to that boy, and you let him puppet you for no good reason.
How can i explain that? It’s like – ok picture this. You were hanging of a cliff, and there’s several threads of rope to hold you. There’s one that slippery, looks like it will breaks anytime, and also one that firm and solid and might have the chance to get you up the edge and save your life. Obvious choice, you should hold dearly to this solid rope, right? But no, you choose that slippery, looking-like-its-going-to-break rope, and always whining about how your life is going down. Of course its fucking going down! You choose the wrong life line.
Well call be selfish. I know I was never been in love to understand the affection that you have towards him. But I think, when this kind of situation occurs to me, at least i can be pretty much reasonable and will never let a guy like him take me for a ride like that. Yeah, he was just taking advantage of you. He said he loves you, yet he married others. He said that girl was chosen for him, and he can’t denied her due to his obligation, but did you see his Facebook page recently? Did you see the look of happiness on his face.
Don;t give me those crap about love. Alright, its probably the most magical feeling of all, and i was one of those unfortunate who never had the chance to be in love. But, if it makes you so childish and helpless like that, what's the worth of it? I am sure that love, no matter how sweet it is, needs to be taken in with rationale.
But you, no, there’s no rationale for you when love comes. You leave it all, abandoned it for the affection of a boy who clearly is using you.
When you first told me you had lost your virginity to him, I wasn't surprised. Or proud. That night in your car, when you were crying, I wish to yell at you. To tell you how stupid you have been. But that would have been too cruel, right? I guess I wasn’t your good friend after all. I don’t have the heart to tell you that you’re being stupid, when that’s exactly what you need to hear. You need someone to tell you that you’re being stupid, and that he doesn’t love you, no matter how many times he said he did.
So why did I stop becoming your friend? Like Hannah Baker’s said in her story, its a snowballed effect. It’s one event after another, that leads me to decide that I have had enough of your madness, and I can’t live in it anymore.
You want to know what events it was? don’t worry M darling, the whole purpose of this post is to be opened up, so I will definitely detailed it down here. no matter how long it made this post, and how long it takes for me to finish it. I will, cause you deserve to know that you are the one who break us apart, albeit unintentionally.
And yes, I damn hate your boyfriend. That guy. He’ll appear in this little un-crease series later though. Not now. Not yet. Because now, it will all be about you. (Am i sounding too creepy? haha)
Where were we? Oh yes, the events. Things that made me run away like a mad man from your life. Things that made me sacrifice what I thought i have with you, so that i can have control over my life once again. Things that happened, and hurt me.
You were one of the lucky few, and you know why? I opened up to you more than I did to anyone else. More than even to my mom. OK maybe that’s a bad example cause I didn't opened up to my mom almost at all, but yeah – like i said, you’re lucky. I have had really trusted you, and somehow i found solace in our friendship. Like a safe haven, where i can share. And relate. We both have almost the same kind of crap in our life, with our family. So most of the time, we can truly relate to that, and before i even realized it, i was so looking forward to share with you, to opened up, to talk.
But you have to ruined that for a boy! Because, you simply shoved me to the side when he’s around. Or when you have problem with him. Or whatever, but surely something has to do with him and you don't see anyone around you anymore. Sure I heard of how being stung by love made you blind, but i never thought the affect will be so – trying to find the right word for how i feel towards it – annoying.
I was annoyed the whole damn time you were so stung by him. Remember when you said that guy I like was making me his floormat? Guess what, you made me feel like a damn floormat too.
So let’s start with some of a lighter event. You know, those small things that I find so bloody annoying, that leads to bigger things, and snowballed into the ideas of leaving what we have right where it belongs. By the road side. Abandoned.
1. I hate it when you try to act like how your relationship with him is a big secret and all, but then your actions were all so obvious that you too were an item. You know what? I knew there’s something going on between the two of you, from my first day! Yet the actions, the sneaking outs, the secret dinners or lunches, those were all bloody annoying.
2. I don't know what's your reason for being very friendly to me, until the point you said we were best friends. Of course I treasure our “best friend” moment, but most of the time, I was like some sort of things you used to – urghhh, I can’t even explain this. The thought of being used was one of the first reasons I started to consider our friendship. Well, i will laid it out here. I don’t feel that you were sincere being friend with me. Or were you? It’s hard to tell, and most of the times, I think you were not sincere. That's hurt me like hell cause I was really sincerely trusting you as a friend.
[i will insert more of this when i get the chance and when i can remember better]
Now, move on to the actual events that really irks me – and if you were just some sort of digital friend, made me want to hit the “un-friend” button right away.
1. Remember the company trip to the island? The one where we went for snorkelling? That trip was so cheesy. From the person organizing it, to all the acts between you and your dear darling, to the event related to you, him and my other friend (yes, she will be featured in this series too, later).
I will not be detailing out each steps we took during the trip, because its all cheesy, and nt worth my time writing about it. So i’ll just jump to the main things that make me loose my trust or respect, or whatever i have on you.
It was the night we had the barbeque dinner. Me and A, with whom i shared room with, was a little late for the dinner, and when we finally reached the place, you, him and our another friend already queuing for the food. I was already quite mad for your little stunt of “oh we thought you guys were already here, that's why we didn't call”, but you had to add salts to my wound by making me and A had to sit at our boss table! If it wasn’t for A, that night would have been the worst ever, and I could have storm away from it – and not having to listen to all the racist snickers our boss had to make. Of course I still try to be rationale, and thought that you can’t do anything about the sitting arrangement. But then sometime after that, you have the cheek to admit that since you want to sit with your darling, you rather had me sacrificed and let me and A sit with the bosses. You don;t even care about it! That, my friend, really boiled me up to my head, and seriously got me thinking – why on earth am i still being friend to this selfish creature?
Oh yes, I cried the night when they did a small farewell party for three of you. But you know what? It was all for the act. I was acting like i care, just to cover how i don’t even give a damn about you leaving. And I cried on the day you left the company, not because i am losing a friend and colleague, but i was crying because it hit me now that i have to clean all the mess you’ve left behind. So no, I never cried sincerely for you.
Maybe the friendship between us never really worked because I too, was not sincere. Whatever. It’s already in the bin anyway.
2. Remember the night we spent on new year?
No, I wasn’t talking about the happier one, because those i truly treasured, but the awkward ones that we had few months after you left the company? the one where we ended up dining at old town? well, it was worst than celebrating new year alone in my room.
You know why? because i had to stay on edges of your fragile feeling, whining how he broke your heart, when you had it coming and never thought of standing up for yourself.
I don’t know. I am not trying to be mean here. You were my friend once. You’ll always be my friend forever. But the way you keep hurting yourself, by letting him doing that to you, it hurt me too much until i could not bear with it anymore. It’s insane.
There’s more small time thingy that happened along the way, until one day i decided, that’s it. I need to breath.
But don’t get me wrong. There isn't one day that i don’t miss having you around. I wish he had never corrupted you, so that i can know your true self – and probably relate better to it.
[Your part of the series isn’t finish, but i will stop at here, for now.
And again, if by any chance you were reading this, I am sorry. I am sorry for the kind of friend i was being to you, and I'm sorry i ended it they way i did. i know it’s immature, and i was running away from problem, but i think I've done the best for both of us. If by some chance we were friends again, I'll try to be a better friend.]
I am in the midst of reading this superbly interesting book, and as usual, it gets me thinking – what if I died before clearing up my mess? What if i left all the things unexplained, as how i live now?
So for #26, I am going to start yet another series of writing. Confused? Well, this will be just like a subset of the whole 27 thingy. So, in all the 27s, you’ll get to read among them my series of ‘Ironing Out My Creases” – and it will be written by volume, each volume dedicated to one particular crease.
Explanation: The creases I'm talking about is actually all the human-loose-link that I have in my life so far. In my 27 years of living, I have to admit, I had lived on many loose links that either waiting for me to fix it, or waiting for the time for it to break of eternally. Obviously, its opposite of one another. Either I take the initiative to fix it, or i let it break for good.
Often, I do not want these loose links to break, but then, I hardly do anything to fix it either. So in relation to my 27 things to fix, I will address all these loose links as a subset series named above.
Of course this is far from addressing the problem, and none of the people I will later address read this blog, but my main intention was to let it out my chest, and hopefully, while writing it, I see ways to turn the table. It has been my utmost hope to clear all these creases, but it isn't easy, and being me, confrontation has never be my strength.
Anyhow, that's the Ironing Out My Creases series all about. It will be part of the 27s, yet it has its own series ordered by volume.
And hopefully it will work out the way I intended for it to be.
So coming up next, #26 – Ironing Out My Creases, volume 1.
In my life, I really hate when people acting so superior over me. Like when they determine how I should spend my weekend, how I should spend my money, or how I should go about my outfit, among others.
But today, I will fight this hatred, and do as per told. My cousin want me to go to her house. It will be like eating up my weekend holiday, and over last 24 hours, I have had constructed numerous excuses to not going.
But still I will be going. I am fighting this evil spirit and trying to not be so selfish.
I’ll update the outcomes tomorrow – once I’m back.
Too lazy to write the outcomes in details, but one thing for sure, it wasn’t that bad, although quite boring and almost half of the time I’d wished I never came. But another half of the time had made me realized that a little family time once in a while wasn’t that bad at all – and it’s great to do good things, even one which I had earlier tried to duck out of.
Going to introduce a little something up next.
well, just finished watching yet another awesome episode from HIMYM. It was related to how in relationship, we will always be in a situation where we are kept on hooked, or we' re hooking someone.
It got me thinking then. Did I ever being kept on the hooked? Hell yes, and since he watched this same series, I wish he realized how he has been keeping me on hooked for years, and man up and break it to me already - we’ll never be together, ever.
And did I ever keep anyone on hooked? I don’t think so. At least not so far, cause what I know is, as soon as I know someone is into me, and I know that there will be no way I will be with that person, I will get out of the picture as soon as possible. I don’t know if this is all good or bad, or plain stupid – but that’s just me. I know how miserable it is to be kept on hooked, so I have no heart to do the same to others, no matter how enjoyable it might be. (Yes, I do know how nice it is to always have that little ‘floor mat’.)
And, I was thinking of starting a project for myself. I will call it 27 things to change. (OK maybe I'll improvised the name later.)
Description: I will identify 27 things/attitude/habit that I have, and make it better. Like for example, #27 is to quit smoking. (Example only, I don’t smoke, of course.)
So on to next post, where I will introduce you my #27. :)
Well, i’m borrowing that title from one of my currently-favourite TV show, Pretty Little Liars. (Yeah, i’m that cheesy, watching such teenage drama.)
It’s February now. It’s been a year since I left my previous job, and moved on with something else, somewhere else. I have been doing a totally different thing from what I used to do, with totally different set of people, different kind of craziness.
I’d be a big fat liar if i say i am happy with where I am now. But then, it’s not that I am unhappy either. It reminds me of a quote from Desperate housewives, “the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. If I hate you, that means I still care”. Relatable?
I am this close to feel “indifference” towards my current job. That means, I almost not care where it leads me. I am still the same lost soul, searching for my most coveted passion.
And what the hell is passion anyway? I can never produce any answer to that. Well, maybe if i have the answer, my life would not be so miserable as of now.
I want to be a writer. I want to write my own book. But I haven’t even started with a single word yet. Na-da.
I need something to drive me. I have been waiting for that something to finally push me, or take me away from this mundane life. Why am i so not independent? Why do I am always need to rely on something, or someone?
I’ve figured this one actually. I’ve done the math. I was running away from any kind of situation that requires me to be the one in charged! All my life, in my family, I have been the one being “up there”. You know, the person being look up, depend upon, bla bla. And of course, like any other thing that fail in my life, i blamed it on my dearly departed father. (No, he’s not dead, he just left us. And yes, I still love him, as my father, and as a daughter should love her father. Whatever that is.)
So since I've used up all my energy being the one in the front seat, I put all that remains of me being hopeful toward others. I always need someone, or something to help me out. Otherwise, I will let myself drown that pool, full of shit.
I know its a bad thing, and i swear I am working on it at the moment. It’s just, it isn't easy to change what you have been comfortably wear for years.
I wish, and hope for something good to happen in the future.
I just bought a new laptop. A DELL Inspiron 13R. So far its been amazing!
Of course it has put a major hole in my purse, but I need it. So somehow, I am gonna find a way to put it all back together.
Right now, I am just gonna enjoy loving this sweet little angel so dearly :)
