so yesterday

well, don't worry. today i will not be ranting about all that lousy miserable feeling of missing some person who doesn't even take notice of me! apparently, all it takes is just a little 'downtime', and now i'm feeling rather neutral about my feeling towards him. its like, okay he's cute and all, but if he's not into me, then it will not make any different. so i might as well just give it a rest and let time takes it course.or so i decide..ahem

actually just now i wanted to write about something else, but I've just got a message from my mom, saying that one of little sister just got her first period. how time flies. she's a woman now.

i can't help but to feel old, somehow. dang.

today, i can't stop thinking of you

"today, i close my eyes most of the time,
so that i can continue seeing your sweet smile.

today, i deaf my ears from all the noise,
so that i can continue hearing your voice.

today, i walk the path you've walked,
and it was as if you were standing next to me,
as if you were really there."

a) i know i'm a lousy poet, so...yeah, you've just read it!
b) it's too corny
c) i can't help it. i'm so helplessly, and miserably missing that person.

hello, is it me you're looking for

"...i can see in your eyes, i can see it in your smile, you're all i ever wanted..."

oh dear, i think i'm about to fall head-over-heels with someone i met at work. i know it's a bad idea, given that he's far more superior than me (i mean, position), he's like the hottest guy in that office, he has numerous admirer, he is nickname "most wanted" and he has no idea i'm falling for him!

"..'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do,
Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue..."

or maybe he knows, due to my constant staring and all, but he just trying to toy with me - cause he so used to people falling over him. the gift of pretty face!

but i can't help it. the more i try to ignore the feeling, the more i feel it. when he's near me, i feel like i'm going to lose my heart. like, i can't quite explain - but i'm a total dumb when i'm in front of him. i feel cold, and embarrassed-with-no-reason. if he did as much as standing behind me, my head feels light - and i can't breath quite right. is that normal?

i remember some guy said to me before, that guy doesn't like to be chased, so i would not do anything - or start anything - before i can confirm whether he is just trying to play around, or if he's for real. but how can he possibly be the one? he had some 36 years without me, and i'm saying that now i'm here, he's falling for me? that sounds ridiculous even to my own ear!

so i guess i can only wish for him to be the one - and meanwhile, keep watching for him from far, far away.

(it's raining outside, and i'm crying my heart inside - i'm not gonna see him until after the new year. well, if only he knew, he had just took my heart away, with him.)

"...when you're gone, the pieces of my heart is missing too..."

it ain't easy

did you ever be in a situation where you know you should not be jealous, but you just can't help it? it gets so depressing, and you just feel like doing all kind of bad things just for the sake of being rebellious.

i know i'm being stupid, and it will only make me feel worse, but really - what have i done so wrong, that i deserve whatever i am getting now? of course now i feel bad for being ungrateful, but - its hard seeing people gets everything life has to offer, and really seems to be enjoying it.

this is one of the reason i rather just sit in my square-box, and shut myself down. like they said, what you don't know, can't hurt you.

but why me?

pretty little things

it's already half-way through december now. like i said before, it amazed me to see how quick time flies, and how nothing changed in me make me feel depressed. I can't quite explain what kind of changes that I was actually looking for. It's just that, I keep on hoping for my life to begin...when deep inside i knew that my life already begun long ago, and i'm already half-way through it.

maybe the outcomes of my journey so far are what giving me this unbearable state of grievance. it's like, i keep on hoping for something more than what i have now. much more.

then i read a blog from a girl who used to be such a head-strong teenager, outspoken and out-there - nowadays she writes about how miserable she feels, how weak and troublesome. at first i thought that even the hardest rock will change, but then i realize, this girl is still the same strong girl i knew from before. she used to be so strong and powerful enough to boast about her great many achievements in life, now she still strong and powerful enough to admit how life was no longer so great, but she keeps on fighting. truly, i admire this girl so much.

i wish i can be that strong. but being out there, letting people know how i feel, is a big NO for me. i feel like if they know about my weakness, they will push me down, and kill me. i still don't know if this is a right kind of thinking, but at least, it keeps me free from any unnecessary heart-ache so far.

i'm totally rambling tonite. better be off before i start talking about the dustbin under my table.

gone, and hopefully forgotten

is nearly December. how time flies, while little things changed for me. and a whole lot of it just stay the same. unchanged.

it's so late at night, and it's raining. I have to say, it's a great combination to make you feel very lonely, depressed, and somehow you feel the urge to cry your heart out.

listening to already gone by kelly clarkson really push me near the edge. I miss him, like i miss my dad. we haven't been spoken for days, months now. I miss both of these men dearly, but don't hope for anything to change between us.

no matter how hard, how impossible, i will try to move on. from my dad, and his many memories that I know for sure will always haunted me. from him, the only person i had once fall in love with. from who i was before, or who i had try to be but failed miserably. sometimes i wonder, which one is the real me, this person i see in the mirror now, or that person in the picture taken months ago. we're the same, but our essence is different.

anyhow, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger, right?

why did i said no?

ever wonder why you did what you have done, and wished for a time machine so that you can get back to that certain point of time and take a different path?

i did, million times. i know for a fact that it is a bad thing to do, to mourn over things that had happen, to long for something that had already walk pass by me. but it can't be helped, can it?

i used to ponder how my life would be if different things happen to me instead of things that actually happened. you know, like if i went to different school. or took a different course. its not like i don't like where i am now, but - ok no kidding - only those who truly had the life they wished will be happy with whatever and wherever they are now. but again, who gets what they wish?

i couldn't help when the ball of envious thought start to curled up in my stomach whenever i see my friends - especially those who really had a good life. why on earth i am still here, when they are all over the place, standing tall with all the achievements and glorious they have in life thus far. its unfair. (and please don't bogged me down with life will never be fair...be grateful...bla bla - i heard enough)

and today i feel like i hit rock bottom when he - that person i used to so crazily coveted over - same person who constantly broke my heart - called me, asked for lunch. ok i know its nothing special, but its him. and guess what, i said no. and giving some stupid excuses like i have to work.

my brain can't stop working now. its not about the fact that he asked me out and i rejected it that gets me down, its about the fact that i can't make myself feel good about rejecting him. so i reject his offer - he whom i know will eventually break my heart - so what? i should be happy, shouldn't i? it should be like an achievement, like i can finally go against the tide and reject him. but why did i feel so miserable inside. like something inside me breaking apart, shattered.

is that how it feels when you finally wakes up from your livid, useless dream? because one thing i'm very certain, there will never be invitation number two. cause for him, once i said no, it means no forever.

somehow somehow i could not summon the feeling of triumph inside me. this is bad.

same old songs

just got back from my raya holidays. well..not so much of a holiday actually, more like a weekend trip back home. but nonetheless, it was so much fun to be home!

had the usual raya. oh at first was quite suprising - not knowing when raya will actually be - thursday or friday. my bus was on thursday morning - so i was hoping, praying vigorously that raya will fall on friday. and it did...so yeay!

relatives come and go. small kids everywhere - my family really bred well. and of course the same old question being asked over and over again - "is he back home?" "did you guys contacted him?" "why not just forgive him" "is he well?" - endless.
(note: he = my cowardly father who runs freely away last year)

i wish i can just tell them to shut up, and leave us alone. but you can cover the bottle, not a mouth. so whatever. i have very little space it my heart to care about it anymore.

life resume as usual. or getting worse. who knows.

a life with passion

often, i will see in the movie, or read in a book, or heard someone saying about how wonderful their life has been, when they do something that's their passion. I feel incredible to see that too - especially when it looks like passion really drives you further than you ever thought you can.

and i wish i have some kind of useful passion inside of me, so that i would not feel this odd feeling of worthlessness.

life has becoming more and more like a endless journey to me. my only companion was the struggles that i had to fight. fight for my mother, my siblings, my career, my life. but it fast becoming a routine, that i don't think as something that can soothe me. it feels terrible inside, because i know, i have no goals, other than to make sure that i have enough money to feed my family and to ensure my brothers and sisters get the best in their education. It's handful, but is that all? am i really going to live with just that?

i'm sure if passion is something that you were born with, or something that you will eventually find in life. whatever it is, i am quite sure that i have none - at least at the moment.

tell me how to let you go

why did i still let myself falling for you, when i knew all along that you will never be there to catch me?

sometimes i feel like i had enough of waiting for you to turn your eyes on me, to realize that i have always been here, waiting hopelessly for you.

sometimes i feel ashamed of this stupid feeling, for wanting something that i can never have.

sometimes it makes me too scared to even make another move.

for years, since the day you said hi to me, my heart had always been yours. i did met other people, but whenever i try to let myself being something more that just a friend with the other person, something inside me will be alarmed. i feel like i'm cheating with you. i feel like i should always make myself available, since i would not know when you will eventually look at me, take me, or hold me.

i know its stupid. i know, but i cant helped it.

when will this story find its ending?

life

well, i haven't been writing for sometimes now. few months. a lot has been going on around here, but on the same time, its a stagnant thing that got nowhere. same old.

i'm working in a new company now, and the experienced i've got is more than i'd ever bargained for. i'm not talking about the technical stuffs, cos its all boring - its the people that i've met and how they make me understand more about this little life we're all having here, and how they make me questioned my integrity.

Of all the thing i am ever capable of - not many - there's always one common thing that was never in the list. Pretending. To pretend. To be a pretender. I just can't get myself to do so.

When dad left, it was very hurting to see my family breaking apart. But i somehow did not show much of a feeling, not because i'm pretending not to feel hurt, but because I had somehow managed to encapsulate myself - my feeling - into something like cocoon of no disturbance. Its like a plastic wrapper, i am as transparent as ever, but you can never reach out to me without getting stuck to the plastic. Of course unless you break it, but that will never happen either.

At the office, i was surrounded by a lot of pretenders. I can tell because all they care about was to get what they want, and never care how the method is. I saw a lot of people sucking up - kissing ass to whoever that can benefit them. I saw people who simply ignores the existence of one little substance that makes no different to their apparently full of competition career life. I get it. Working IS supposed to be like that, especially in big organisation where a lot of people getting involve with each other. Like i said, its just more than what i cared to bargained for. Somehow, I do believe that there's always a way to compete healthily, but i guess its just human nature. We choose the path that looks more intense and self-satisfying, and never care about who gets hurt in that journey we took. As long as we get what we want.

I made a couple of friends there, but as for now, no one in particular that i can actually trust. Perhaps in working, and with such stiff competition, no one is to be trusted.

My boss; well i'm going to try to put it nicely here. He's a man of many personalities. He can be all nice and civil when it comes to people dealing, but he can also be a bit of a pain in the ass. He once made a remarks on me regarding my personal life - by saying "You've got to get a life my friend." - when i said that i will be sleeping during the weekends. Why should i tell him what I have in plan in the first place? I am not those suckers who made small talks and remarks about people, and bragging about their life. Projector installed to their living room. Closet full of unworn shoes. Shoppings. Whats the point of all that? and whats wrong if i really am going to sleep through my weekends? Isn't the whole point of weekends is for you to get a good rest before boringly working again? I wish i can shout this to his face.

People are funny. When someone put too many remarks and statuses on their facebook, you call that person overbearing, too exposed, PDA. But when a person just want to have a quiet life, you tell them that they have no life. It makes no sense at all.

I don't know. I just hope that i get to keep this job and do a good work out of it.

Just watched Kiss-Ass. It was awesome. I like Hit-Girl!

Tomorrow begin another week. Haih.

i wish you will understand

If i tell you how i feel, or how your existence makes me feel, will you understand? Will you even care?

As far as i can remember, i have hinted to you so many times, that i had chosen you. That my heart is yours.

But you choose to ignore it, you choose to break it.

You choose to hurt me, disappoint me, put me in a black hole where i have no answer except for nothing.

I do not know whats in your heart. I do not know what you think of me. I do not know, and I do not understand.

I have tried million times to stay away from you, to forget you - but then you'll ring that bell, and here you are, on my doorstep.

But you don't actually comes in, you don't even intend to be in. You just want to make sure that i'll be around, that i will stay at the same address, and you will always able to yield me out, let bare and let you hurt me.

Thats your design, and that had always be your design.

Yet i can't hate you. I don't have the strength to decide for my heart, if its related to you. I have no strength to do so.

And i am still wandering in this endless journey, waiting for you to understand.

hate you

I am so mad and disappointed right now, that i feel so explosive!

So i woke up this morning with his message asking where am i now, then proceeding with him asking if i would like to have breakfast. Even in my not so awake state, my heart started to thump so fast, i can literally hear every beats of it. Like, of course i want to forget him, but its never so easy! I still have that occasional high rise of adrenalin when his name popping up in the air. After all, i used to be so besotted over him.

Deciding that maybe a breakfast will not hurt me much, so I agreed to it. (and in the inside, my heart started to salsa...i have not met him in 3 years!!). I asked if he can come and fetch me at home...totally normal, right? And guess what he said? "I don't have a car, thought you will have it by now"

Erghhh..seriously, why he has to lift up my hope so high, then crush it to the ground??? Of course i don't have an effing car! I am so mad, i told him that i don't want breakfast anymore, and that I am going out soon. Of course thats totally not the case, but i am so mad at him for what he just did.

After all, thats what he always do. Give me hope, then crush it. If anyone should be blame for my lack of dreams, and hope, and negativity - he can be one.

I am off to find breakfast on my own, at my own comfort!

at the beginning again

it was hard, it seems impossible. but my heart refuses to give in, and thus with that, i will walk again on this unknown journey, tomorrow.

may i have all the luck with me.
may my path never withered away from where it should have been.
may i have all the strength.
may Allah bless this little soul to where it should have landed.

ending

Its a funny feeling when something ended. Be it something dreadful and you have always wish for it to end, or something nice that you had wished for it to go on forever, yet you know well that one day it will come to its end.

I am now at the end of my journey in this company. And like the famous saying, every ending marks the new beginning. And so it seems. 7 days from now, i am going to be working at a new place, new environment, with new post and a new boss. I do not know if this 'new' thing will be a good or bad thing, but regardless, i am looking forward to it.

But somehow it feels weird to leave this place i have been endured so long. It has no doubt become a part of me, and i have somehow became far too comfortable by it. Yet now i have chosen to end the journey, and along that line i do feel that this time around, i am at least making a rightful decision for once in my life.

Many had happened since the day i set my foot at this very place. I met friends who treated me so kindly it had made my heart feel so warm and gracious. For once, i truly understand the meaning of the word friendship. It was sch a strong bond, and everytime i remember it, it will always make me smile. I remember the laugh, the tears we shed together, the gossip and talks, along with lots of promises and many other. I dearly missed the old time, but i do realize that there is no way time will turn again. Things changed, and for better or worse, it will go on forward, not making a tick behind.

Although we are all not as close as we use o be now, and we each head on towards our own life, it feels like what we've had before was so precious that nobody can take it away from us. Its a sacred thing for me, that i wish to tell to my generation later, that in my youth, i had found such friendship liek no others.

I will be the last person to break away from this place that holds us together. First it was Jm, then after much havoc, went off Jm2 and Tk. Things had worsen at that time, and so in spite of everything, Ad made her move. Then Mg and Mn, went away together - indeed they have always been together, so it is just fair for them to go together. I had stayed longer, making new friends and stregthen my position. And then finally i made the decision to fly away.

So here i am. 7 days from my next flight. Destination? i will put it as unknown, though i know the track that i would be taking.

So here's something for them, though by any chance, they will not likely to stumble upon this:

"Whatever that we have had in the past, was the best thing that ever happened in my life so far. I can still feel the warmth of your friendship, the trust we've shared and the feeling of belonging that we gave to each other. And now, though we were separated by our lives, I shall not ever forget about any of you. May we be friends forever, and the luck stays with us till the end"

on the ninth day of the new year

I didn't wrote any entry for the new year. not that i was too busy till i missed it, but i was just plain lazy. yeah, that's very me, ain't it? anyhow i get to spend the new year at home, celebrating my dearly twin brothers birthday. how time flies, they are now 17! I shudder at the thought that if they, my two used-to-be-little brothers are now that old, i will be 9 years older. oh well...

anyway, apart from the no-celebration new year, i had a pretty normal life. i am now serving my hard-to-believe notice period at my current office, and due to report at a new company in one month time. ooh..what a scary thought. i am excited, but all the same intrigued by what awaits me in the future. Seeing it as the future, i can do nothing but patiently wait then. the time will come.

new year resolution? this year i opt for a simple one. "moving on".

well, of course, literally, that is simple. but in action, it is not that simple. I may have succeed in one, where i had finally moved on from my 3 years working in the same company trance, to a different company. the process had truly being so fascinating, all from the interviews where i had to fake my sickness just to get a leave, talking with confidence to all my interviewers, and finally laying down my tender letter on my dear manager table. it wasn't easy. throughout that, i was constantly battling my conscience and mind-boggling thought. thinking about how this decision will affect my life, how it will change me, and so on. i do not know whats best for me, but i had simply taken on the tide this time, at full speed. so far its been worthful, but only God knows what will happen in the future. so i can only hope for the best, and continue striving.

and i had moved on from the miseries of my broken family, my parents broken marriage and stuff that comes along with it. the day when we had all cried when one of my brother questioned my mom regarding my dad's departure, him calling dad to come home, and all the despairs that follow has carved its own history on my heart. there's no way i would forget that day, and seems like it does not want me to forget it either, by being on a rather significant day - a day before Ramadhan. we've been sad, hurt by dad's unceremonious departure, but i guess the wound had now starting to heal, albeit slowly. no doubt it will leave it scars upon all of us, but at least we had somehow find an easy way of navigating through it, putting it all behind us, and get on with life. with all that had happened, i feel more high spirited towards making the best for my family, thus compelling me to work hard and be at ease with all the buzzing words of hurtfulness.

but my heart, it had refused to move on from that one person i had let in before. it had refused to open the door, and let the person leave, for good. and that refusal is killing me, for i know that the other person had never intend to stay anyway. i cannot think of anything that i haven't do to control this stupid unreciprocate love - be it stop any contact with him (which ended with me come back crawling for him), or treating him like a normal friend whom i have no feeling upon (yeah, right!). the only difference now is that it doesn't hurt so much as it did before. i am sane enough now to not let my heart sinks into the abyss of broken hearted again, but still it taunts me. and ignoring something you yearn to feel so much is not easy, yet im doing it by the tick of time.

so i haven't decided what to do with that yet. as of now, the feeling is strong as ever. i even fall into the lapse of time, letting myself creating beautiful imaginary life with him. i know, that's insanely stupid. If there's a remote for a heart, i would be the first person in the line to get it. but there's nothing like that, right?

i hope he will be married soon, so that i can be released from this cursed of loving him. Dear God, hear me, please.