it has to be a Happy New Year

2008 will end soon, and here comes 2009. It's a new year, again.

But this new year, i don't think i should make the same mistake i did last year. I hope for the best, but i did nothing. I waited for changes to come and sweep me of my lazy feet, not knowing that changes should start in me, inside. I was always sulking, hurting, suffering, feeling down, crying, etc etc etc, but now it all seems to no end. I kept things to myself, not knowing how stupid that was. And in the end, it does not even make me happy. Worst, it makes me much more troubled.

I'm looking forward for 2009, with big heart and whatnot. I want to somehow go through life more peacefully. Of course i will still be surrounded with problems like my dad gambling addiction and he asking me money and me settling his debts, also things like my never-ending story with 'him', and i will sure to feel my work is not enough..but i guess somehow i make a living out of all that. I will just make sure i manage it better, since this kind of problem not so easy for me to settle at once.

Other than this, i truly just want a better year ahead. Amin.

much i feel about nothing

i don't know what had happened, or why, but lately...after i turn on my pc, click on mozilla, then type the address to my blog, log in, then click on new post, with a presumably anticipation of writing and then...when the wysiwyg open up in front of me, my mind goes blank...(probably it's laziness also, haha)

the thing is, i had a lot in mind, that i feel like writing it off, but the 'thing' just don't come up. i seriously annoyed with this madness.

huu~ i love writing. i love creative writings. i love the language. but i just can't pen down anything at this moment.

duh, brain blockage is definitely annoying. i hope this is not a symptom of...*gulp* menopause.hurm...by any chance, i am still young for that right, no? *pray hard its not*

anyways, since i can't write properly, i will just dish up some random photos i found all over this cyberworld. photos of things that i love, of course...

1. caffeine...the best drug in my life! (minus the jelly, couldn't find better pic lolz)


2. hearty food. nice cake. screw those healthy foods. this is way more appetizing.


3. dress that i can only drool over but can never wear. (ok maybe can if i manage to slim down. positive thinking is blissful. haha.)


4. shoes. love. shoes. love. shoes. love. shoes.


5. i'm a woman, therefore style is essential.


6. i am a couch-person. if only i can get season 1 - 7 of this series, i'll be thankful. muahahha.


7. song that can calm my nerve and set me down a little. not necessary a ballad though. frankly, this song gives me a 'sexy' feeling.



8. mobile phone that has caught my eyes recently. SE? I think I changed my mine, yet again. ;P

9. i love this look. thinking of doing my hair like this. normal, yet edgy. (She's my recent fashion icon, lol)


10. lastly, let me date this guy. please. ohhh~ *droollllllllll*


yeay, eventually this post looks very long and fulfilling, despite the pictorial scene.

till i get my writing muse again. daa. oh yeah, Merry Xmas. New year is coming, yeah!

** All images are courtesy of the widely available source on the internet **

Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find
I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind
Whatever happened to our love, I wish I understood
It used to be so nice, it used to be so good

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me SOS
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me SOS
When you're gone, How can I even try to go on
When you're gone, Though I try how can I carry on

You seemed so far away though you were standing near
You made me feel alive, but something died I fear
I really tried to make it out, I wish I understood
What happened to our love, it used to be so good

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me SOS
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me SOS
When you're gone, How can I even try to go on
When you're gone, Though I try how can I carry on

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me SOS
And the love you gave me, nothing else can save me SOS
When you're gone, How can I even try to go on
When you're gone, Though I try how can I carry on
When you're gone, How can I even try to go on
When you're gone, Though I try how can I carry on

Please, I really am sorry. I should not do what I have done to you.
Tell me what I can do to pay back the damage I have done.

And, I will try to make it up to her as well.

m.e.m.o.r.y

there are times when you stood still and look back at all the paths that you've been through,
you'll find yourself staring at the old pictures - now covered with dusts,
listening to old musics that reminds you of how much you've been happy before,
remembering the ancient routine that had once become part of your daily undertakings.

those moments, having safely kept somewhere hidden underneath your feeling,
shadowing all your weaknesses, sadness and tears.

and those people who have had accompanying you through that journey,
vain images that is now so blurry, become incomprehensible.

time flies. feeling fades. but memory, it remains.

oh well..

i'm back. and these things await...

Mak Su's birthday

Koko's wedding dinner lunch

Christmas Day

My cousin's engagement day

Awal Muharram 1430H

New Year 2009

last but not least, work and more works..lol~

p/s: gotta love this life, babe ;P

i want to write this and send to her but i dare not, so i put it here instead

My dear friend,

First of all, I am sorry for dropping by like this. But I don't know how else I can get to you.

I know I've been treating you badly these few weeks. Perhaps, it has been for months. I am not sure, but it's long enough for me to feel the pain of doing all that to you. Please know that I don’t take pleasure in it at all.

I am just confused. I don’t know where we have been, and where we are now. And I cannot explain why I did that too. Certainly I have my own reason for doing so, but I cannot convey it to you. There are a lot of things on my mind, a lot of pain, a lot of sadness, but I can't find any ways to put it into words. I just can't. I can’t let go of what I have put into my mind, and I can’t dig it out for you to understand.

But whatever it is, please don’t blame yourself. You know well that it’s not your fault to begin with. It’s maybe like what you’ve said before, when there is nothing wrong, nothing is right either. Well anyway you know me; I am always bad at explaining. Maybe because I feel that it's easier to lie to myself, rather than trying to lie to you.

I don't know why I wrote this either. Maybe because I don't want you to think that I have hated you. Maybe because I don't want you to think that I had forgotten our friendship. Maybe because I want you to know that whatever happens, you're the best of friend that I had ever met. You were my friend before, and you will forever be my friend. One specific friend, definitely.

But I can't promise anything for now. I can't promise you that I will change, or taking back whatever steps that I have took. And I don't know how long I will feel this way that I am feeling right now.

I am sorry if I'm making you sad. Even sorrier if whatever I did makes you mad. I really am sorry. And sorry is all that I can offer for now.

Till we meet again, please be happy, wherever you are. Happy belated birthday.

Your friend

best friend

I don't have to worry anymore,
cause you will be by my side when I cry
You always smile at me
I am blessed because you always shine before me
Things that we have missed hastily at time,
that's the way it is
Faces that always being looked at
Forever hugging each other
Your smile has helped me endless time, you know
Thank you thank you Best Friend

These plenty happiness that I felt at this moment
All the friends that I have here,
you the best present
I am blessed because you always be by our side
Surely things that I have accomplished here,
those things too give me strength
Faces that always being looked at
Forever hugging each other
All of your smile has helped me endless time, you know
Thank you thank you Best Friend

Things that we have missed hastily at time,
that's the way it is
Faces that always being looked at
Forever hugging each other
Your smile has helped me endless time,
you know
Thank you thank you Best Friend

Always always always my Best Friend

p/s: listen here

secret lover

Singer : Ungu
Song : Kekasih Gelapku - My Secret Lover

Kumencintaimu lebih dari apapun
I love you, more than anything in this world
Meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tau
Even though no one knows about us
Kumencintaimu sedalam-dalam hatiku
I love you, deeply in love with you
Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku
Even though you're just a secret lover

Ku tahu ku takkan selalu ada untukmu
I know that i can't always be around
Disaat engkau merindukan diriku
At times when you miss me
Kutahu ku takkan bisa memberikanmu
I know that i can never be able to
Waktu yang panjang dalam hidupku
Spend so much time with you in my life

Yakinlah bahwa engkau adalah cintaku
Be sure that you're always my love
Yang kucari s’lama ini dalam hidupku
One that i've been searching for long
Dan hanya padamu kuberikan sisa cintaku
And only to you that i give all the love
Yang panjang dalam hidupku
That i have inside of me

lucky?

Do you hear me,
I’m talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I’m trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

They don’t know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I’ll wait for you I promise you, I will

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we’re in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I’m sailing through the sea
To an island where we’ll meet
You’ll hear the music fill the air
I’ll put a flower in your hair

Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you’re all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I’m lucky we’re in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Note: Being lucky is like a myth. Its sure sounds nice, but truly it will never happen. Never.

SEPI

I couldn't think of any closer translation for this word, but maybe i can share with you my interpretation on it. So, to me..

Sepi = the silence you felt when someone you love had gone away

Love can happen at anytime, with anyone, anyway.

I knew this will happen, yet i cannot do anything to prevent it

Even nobody had said it before, i knew it myself. I'm one impossible person to be friend with. While being too friendly is way too cosy for me, being emotionally stable is one of the maybe-do-not-exist moment in my life. I am overly sensitive, regardless of that-moment-of-the-month thingy. I get depress and hurt over trivial things, like what being said or what being done, or worst, not done. And i have not even started on how i will act when those feeling started to flood on me. No, i may not cry, or ask you to be frank with me, or face it or whatever. But instead, i'll opt for shutting myself off and get all the unhappy feeling burning inside of me. (You've seen those moment, so you know how bad it was.)

But then, i'm still a human. I have a heart, even though most of the time i had rather shut it cold. When certain persona does get into my life, that person will occupy a certain place in my heart. And i never ever logged anyone out of that placement. Ever.

Even when the person became hard to be reached, she is still inside my heart. Even when i missed her wedding day, and being too embarrass with that, she is still in my heart. Even when she keeps on criticizing me, she is still in my heart. Even when she made some irrational notions about me, she is still in my heart. Even when i show resentment and being real cruel to her, she is still in my heart. Even when she hurt me, and until now i cannot explained what had actually happened and what had actually stung me, she is still in my heart. Always. (No, i am not talking about just one person here. Not many, but these are among those people who had always be in my heart.)

And like other humans, i have my weaknesses. I cannot pretend to be somebody that i am not. I cannot fake my feeling. I can just do something for the sake of everyone's benefit. I am selfish that way. I was mad, yet i cannot solved the problems that lingers.

Today, I miss the time I'd spent with somebody. I still remember the laughter that seemed to fill in my emptiness in those days. I remember how eager i was to share my everything with that person. I remember how scared i was when she fall sick, or something bad hit her. I remember how i see everything that reminds me to her, and how much i felt like giving everything to her. I had wanted her to be contented with me as well as how much i had feel contented with her existence. every dream, every hope, every star that i want to grab, i will make sure that it is first known to her before anyone else. I put her upfront, before all the other unnecessary things in my life. I thought i had found the value of life, I thought i had found a treasure that i should gave my everything just to keep it by my side.

But i was wrong. I had been giving too much that now i cannot face the fact that it was no longer there. Time changed and people changed. But my stubborn heart refused to take that, and i felt like a jolt of frustration growing in my heart and fading my conscience. I said i had forgive, but frankly, that was far from being true. Forgiveness was never a usable term in my ugly selfish soul. I had given so much, not that i am complaining, and i know that people used to say, its better to give and not expecting anything in return. But that's bullshit, or at least it does not apply to me. Not anymore.

I am freak. I hold on to what i care too much. And therefore when it is gone, i was left with nothing but heart broken.And for a very long time, i have been running away. Unknowing to where i will be heading to. I had wiped my tears, and let it dried and forget about every facet of emptiness that i had felt inside ever since that happened. I run away from what that had seemed to hurt me. I had never been true to my feeling.

But i can never be true anymore. I've been too far away from the shore, that i do not know how to swim back. I've been too far away in this black hole, that i could not crawl back to the light.

With this, every single moment of life feels like a torture. And my heart, not only that i can feel that its broken, had started to rot too.

It stinks. This stupid mournful feeling really stinks.

And somehow, this song does hit home and makes me feel like crying. Shit.

Goodbye - Air Supply

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have much more
I can feel your heart and I simpathize
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my life

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure i'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say goodbye

Oh..i don't know.

The dress, the shoes and the handbag!

Fabulous!

Gorgeous!

Delicious!

p/s : wah lau..i'd updated three articles in a row. speechless =_=

Jay Chou New Album : Capricorn - Updated

Updated : Based on what I've read on the net, it seems like in order to "fight back" against the piracy and false-leakage of his new album, Jay and JVR had decided to do a total make-over to the album and resulting in different album cover, songs title and music arrangement of the Capricorn album. Stupid stupid pirates =.=





Well, my dear Jay has released yet another album. (my dear? ahaks)

If previously Jay came out with the 'cowboy' image, this time he came with the joker-magician look, with a very artistic yet creative pose and make-up.

The songs are all in a very different arrangement from his previous albums, but still very Jay-ish. I love love love it all. (Thanks to a colleague who had kindly downloaded the full album ;P)

His album was titled "Capricorn", with relation to his own star-sign. Some of the songs are: (Updated title in italic)

01.稻香 - Fragrant Rice : this is the only song title that remains the same
02.魔杰座 - Capricorn : Long Zhan Qi Shi 龍戰騎士 (Dragon Knight)
03.女兒紅 - Red Daughter : Gei Wo Yi Shou Ge De Shi Jian 給我一首歌的時間 (Give Me A Song's Time)
04.東方之殿 - Place of the Oriental : She Wu 蛇舞 (Snake Dance)
05.紅樓夢中 - Dream of the Red Mansion : Hua Hai 花海 (Flower Ocean)
06.失戀的青蛙 - Lovelorn frog : Mo Shu Xian Sheng 魔術先生 (Mr. Magic)
07.失落非主流 - Lost Mainstream : Shuo Hao De Xing Fu Ne 說好的幸福呢 (Where is the Promised Happiness)
08.從新愛 - New Love : Lan Ting Xu 蘭亭序 (Orchid Pavilion)
09.大灌藍 - Big Dunk : Liu Lang Shi Ren 流浪詩人 (Wander Poet)
10.達芬奇的畫布 - Leonardo Da Vinci's Canvas : Shi Guang Ji 時光機 (Time Machine)
11.小丑 - Joker : Qiao Ke Shu Shu 喬克叔叔 (Uncle Joker)

This last song is my number one favorite, but truly all songs are nice. Super nice.

This album was due to be released on 9th of October, but then with some controversial against online leaking and such, the album has been postponed to be released on 16th October instead. Anyhow, I regards as Jay is giving me a birthday present, when he release his album on my birth month. Such and honor and unforgettable birthday present ever.

OK OK don't puke. You've had your time with your favorite artist before. haha.

Wo ai Jie Lun!

If he really did the new music arrangement, then it will be like...24 new songs from Jay? That's a bonus i supposed. Huhu~

Film : Ayat Ayat Cinta (Verses of Love)

Well, still remember about this film i talked about? Frankly I like it a lot, so i guess i will blog about it here, so that in case you don't have the chance to watch it, you still know what is it about.

The Characters (According to the appearance in the movie)

Fahri - A muslim guy, who is currently studying at Al-Azhar University of Cairo. To me, Fahri is like the last of his kind. He is very pious, but at the same time has the "modern" mind, whereby enable him (and his religion) being accepted without prejudice. He came from a poor family in Indonesia, and came to study with a lot of ambitions in his mind. Fahri does not has any girlfriend, but he has a special friendship with Maria, his neighbour in Cairo. In university, Fahri had many admirers due to his attitude. =_=

Maria - A Christian Coptic girl, who lives with her mother in the same building with her bestfriend, Fahri. In her diary, Maria wrote that she truly admire Fahri's attitude, and at the same time her admiration had turned into love and devotion. Maria is a nice girl, opinionated and well-knowledge.

Nurul - A muslim girl, also came from Indonesia. She's a daughter of a well-known Kyai (religion leaders - sort of high position in religion structure). Silently, Nurul has become Fahri's secret admirer. Fahri likes her too, but dare not proceed with his feeling towards her due to her family position.

Noura - An Egyptian girl, who is enduring endless abuse from her father (who then being revealed as not her real father). Fahri had once saved her from her misery, and this had touched Noura's heart. She fell in love with Fahri, but her love is not being answered. Broken-hearted, Noura had framed Fahri and accused him of raping her, thus sending Fahri to prison.

Aisha - A German girl, who currently studying at Cairo. She first met Fahri in a train, where Fahri had saved her from being hurt by a an anti-America guy. They both fall for each other. They had get married by family arrangement. It was then revealed that Aisha is an heir of a very wealthy family, ths making Fahri feeling inferior. Their love had also being put into hard times when Fahri was sent to jail.

So, it's basically a story of a guy, with four prospecting wife-to-be. Intriguing?

My point of view

To me, this story is a very simple, yet strong storyline that manage to portray many issues in Islam. Many sensitive issues, I would say. I'm not going to preach here anyhow, but let me just point onto the issues that being filmed.

Marriage/Wedding
Fahri made it as one of his objective in life, to get married. Now you may think that he's desperate and all, but let me explain further. Remember i told you before, on why there are many young Muslim couples get married? I said before that it is one of a way for them to do what they cannot do if they are not married. True enough. But marriage does not only covers on that. It is also as a shield to avoid a person from "fitnah", as in, people will not say anything if you hold your wife's hand in public, or you went into the hotel together, right? Other than that, another reason is because it is written in the Quran that when a person get married, he/she is like completing half of his duty towards the religion. This one is a bit on a higher level i guess. (Truly, I wonder how many of those who gets married really remember this last point, which is why i had never tell you about it.)

Polygamy
You've sure heard it before right, that in Islam, a guy is allowed to married up to 4 wives. It sounded as injustice, especially for women. However, this concept has been abused by many cowards who only get married because of lust. Actually, the one written in Quran is something like, "you can marry one, two, three or four, and you must be fair. but if you can't, then just stick to one". Most people take the part where they can marry to 4 women, but neglecting to the "being fair" part. And by right, the marriage is not out of lust, but due to things like, if you marry the woman, you can be a good leader to her and avoid her from "fitnah". It is sad on how this rule being abused by people who gets married out of lust.

Love and religion
In this film, it portrays an inter-religion love between a Christian and a Muslim, when in the end, the Christian girl converted herself to Muslim. Now this is a very tricky issue. I had often being questioned with things like, "who can control love. why must religion being the barrier?", and some sort of that. I dare not say so much about this, but to me, religion should not be in questioned. Yes, love is blind, but..ok, I will not comment on this.

Anyhow, I'm just talking from my own opinion. I'm not perfect either. We are all just human who made mistakes.

Scenes that I like in the movie

There are many scenes that I like, so here are some of it.

Fahri and Maria looking at the Nile River.

Fahri : Maria, you know, before I came to Cairo, there's only two things that I'd admired about this place. One, is Al Azhar University, and then the other one is Nile River. If there's no Nile, there will be no Cairo, then there will be no Al Azhar.
Maria : Yeah, I admire Nile too. Because if without Nile, Cairo will not exist. No civilisation.
Maria : Fahri...do you believe in destiny? (Jodoh, Yin Feng)
Fahri : Yes, everyone has their own...
Maria : ...pair. That's what you'd always say. I think...Nile and Cairo, that's destiny. Hmm..how nice if we can meet our destiny, the one that's created for us from heaven.
Fahri : Not from heaven Maria, but from the heart. Very near.
*Fahri then look into Maria's eyes for a moment~
Fahri : I'm sorry Maria, I had to go.

Fahri getting a love letter from a girl, accidentally seen by Nurul

Nurul : Hmm...what's that Fahri?
Fahri : Eh..Nurul. It's nothing...err, i don't know.
Nurul : Wah, never know you're so popular. (sarcastically haha)

Fahri saving Aisha from the violent in the train.

Aisha gave her sit to an American tourist who was sick due to the hot-humid weather in Cairo. A Muslim guy then scolded Aisha, saying that as a Muslim, she should not tolerate with Americans, due to all the violence done at Afghanistan, etc.

Muslim Guy : Why did you do that? Don't you know that Americans call us terrorist, and was being very cruel towards Afghanistan, Iraq..etc.
Aisha : I don't care about all that. Her mother is sick. They are in our country now, they should be protected.
Muslim Guy : We cannot do like that.. *want to slap Aisha, but was stop by Fahri*

When Fahri first seen Aisha's face without her 'purdah' (the face veil).

Noura's love letter to Fahri

Which reads: (translated)
"Dear human with a soft heart, it's been a long time that I have tasted bitterness in life. I had no one but God. But you came with radiance. I want to be the person whom you loved, whom you wiped away her tears, and whom you protected. From a person who had always missing your radiance, Noura"

Nurul with Aisha, clarifying about her relationship with Fahri

Aisha : So, is there unfinished business between you and my husband?
Nurul : No, nothing unfinished. Nothing gets started either.

Fahri and Aisha, when Fahri refused Aisha's sugesstion on him marrying Maria.


Fahri : No Aisha, I will only marry one girl, and the girl is you. I love no one else.
Aisha : Please Fahri. Maria needs you, and the baby in my womb needs her father.
(Maria was in coma, due to her accident and also her unwillingness to continue with life when it is without Fahri. They had to save her, and also has her testify in court as she was the only person who knows the truth about Noura's conviction. )


Some of the photos from the movie, randomly.

Fahri had cried hastily in jail. He was being accused as a rapist, kicked by Al Azhar University and had also raised some doubt in his beloved wife heart, due to his many connections to girl. (Which he unintentionally got it ;P)

Maria is trying to "touch" Fahri, when he fell asleep during their time spending together finishing the school assignment.

A very uncomfortable situation, with two wives. =_=


I read a lot of websites that is talking about Aisha (Rianti) who was not as 'pure' and innocence as it seems in the movie. Well, to me, we should not judge them by that. They're just actors and actresses anyhow. She look pretty though.


Fahri in real life is also a singer and has a band, named Garasi.


She's the only woman in the movie who actually wear tudung in real life. In that movie, people will surely hate her (she had accused Fahri!), but actually she's said to be a very soft-spoken girl.

Beautiful Maria~ She's a new-comer in Indonesian film.

Nurul. She was once Indonesian Ratu Cantik, of some sort.

This movie is actually written from a novel. Here's the book cover.


Well, some friends said that this movie is ridiculous. Some friends said that I'm being stupid to like this movie since it brings no good meaning. Some said that I'm too easy to be influenced.

Well, to me..one thing. I don't care what people like or what people don't like. I like what i like, and that's the only thing that matters.

I will never sleep in the bus again

Seriously.

Anyways, I'm sure you'd expect me to write on this. Of course I will. Tonight it has been such an eventful night that I shall not forgotten for as long as I’m still taking bus to work. Or to anywhere else.

Mere words cannot help me on expressing my utmost gratitude on you. You'd save me, darling. You really did. I know it's just sensible for someone who is lost to call up on friend for help, but read on, you'll understand why I say you've saved me.

****************************

I was so busy at work today. Ever since I came back to work yesterday, I haven't really got much rest. Piles of works hunting me like bullets that will anytime shot my head. The sad part is, I will suffer but not die. So the suffering part is really @#$#%^^%$$ (unable to find a suitable word!).

At around 3 something, I remember messaging you on MSN, asking you to forward your resignation letter to me. No, its not like I’m going to submit my letter just now (aha, so dramatic), but I want your letter so that I can have a copy of resignation letter at hand which will reminds me that anyhow thing gets bad, I have an exit that I can always choose.

And then at around 5 something, after a sucky discussion with a colleague, I went to toilet and cried my heart out. I really cried. I felt like having a bit of nervous breakdown at that time. I had almost decided to declare that I'm sick and run home. But eventually I came out from toilet to face the reality again (read: face the desktop).

And then, at around 6 something, I received YM message from that somebody that I've been missing for so many days. We talked, and talked like how we used to be, or how we once were. The conversation had somehow warmth my cold-sad-broken heart (I know you don't like this part).

Finally, at around 7 something, I decided to leave office.

After waiting for like 10 minutes (this consider very little time), my bus arrived. I can see that the driver was the uncle who always suddenly off the air-cond and made us all passengers suffer in heat. Since there were not so many people boarding the bus, I went straight to the back and sit near the window.

I put on my mp3 player, tuned to Jay Chou's new song, and sit back and relax and enjoy my journey. I remember seeing the bus clock at it shows 19:46. I did a quick calculation and assume that I can reach home by or before 8.30, which is great since I will need to continue some work at home. I remember passing by KFC and Millenium Court building, and also the University Hospital.

*******************

When I opened my eyes, the first thing that I realized that it was so damn dark in the bus, and I was all alone. I moved to the seat in front of me, so that I can seat near the door. It's raining drizzly outside, so it's a bit blurry, plus I don't wear my contact lenses, which all contribute to the fact that I feel a bit alienated to the surrounding. First thing came to my mind, "Ah, maybe due to bad traffic, this uncle decide to change route. Anyhow he should still be stopping at my station, so it's ok".

After like 5 minutes, the driver finally realized that I was still inside the bus. He turned on the light, and start asking (or rather shouting since our distance is quite far. I dare not get near him. The old case of rape in bus started to flood my bird-brain.).

Driver: "Eh how come you didn't get down just now?"
Me: "Eh, reached XX station already?"
Driver: "Not going to that station today, very jam. Just now I stop at YY station; I thought everyone went off already."
Me: "Now where are you going?"
Driver: "You have to get down; I'm going to the terminal already. Later I stop at that road; you wait till got bus no. 66 or 75, ask if they make the journey to XX station".
Me: "Huh? Where are we now actually?" (Started to get scared and annoyed by that uncle's remark)
Driver: "MM place, this road"
Me: *silence*
Driver: "who asked you to sleep in bus." (Sarcastically. hello uncle, I don't board this bus with "I want to sleep" in mind lar.)

Since it’s my fault, I didn't really scold that driver or anything. He's not to be blame anyway. I was only hurt by his ignorance. Really, if he has a daughter like me, will he let his daughter wandering off by a busy but very very alien roadside, at 8 something at night? I wonder where his heart. At least give me a clear direction on where to go lar.

Anyhow, still, it’s my fault. So I went off that bus. The moment I stepped off, I started to feel very scared. It's a very busy road, with back to back jam, but it's not like I’m in main city or something. No shop no nothing. It's all roads with big bridge and flyover and road sign and no shops. With my half blind eyes, I tried to skim for which way I should head to, in hope that it will lead me to somewhere much familiar.

I crossed a road, and then I realized that the other road across that road has much more "light" at its end, so the I crossed back that road and made the turning to another road. Since it was so jammed, I was almost like running around cars from one end to another. I wonder what people think of when they see me. Lost chick maybe. (Never mind I never hope people to pity me anyway, since my thinking towards the existence of person with heart ended when that driver put me down just now.)

I walked along the dark roadside, in a very unfamiliar surrounding, and a pounding heart. I was so closed to tears. Then I saw a bus coming towards my way.

I was relieved when I read the sign and it shows "Taman Something - YY Station". At least any station will do.

So I stop that bus and board it. I asked the driver before boarding,

Me: "Will go to YY Station right?"
Driver: "Yes, but will make a very far round." (He gave me the face as if saying, "are you sure you want to board in?")
Me: "Oh its ok"

There were not so many people inside the bus. I dare not sit, so I just stand near the front door. The bus went off to more unfamiliar roads. More people get down. I was terrified again. This was when I message you.

My intention was to ask for help, but I was very ego. Paiseh also. So I just sent that message in case anything happens to me that night, so at least somebody knows where I was last. (Ok, I know this is a bit of an extreme mind-set, but this is how my brain works. Told you its half bird -_-).

Eventually, this second bus went towards your area, and I did recognize the big bridge. When in pressure, my brain works quite admirable. This is when I message you on the second (and third) time.

When you called and asked me to get off the bus, and you said that you will come and fetch me, I was so relieved. Without any hesitation, I went off. Managed to ask the driver on where I was at that time, to which he replied "Taman S".

Then I gleefully wait for you to rescue this lost soul.

********************

When I think back, I realized that I was so carried away by my ego, that I never say "please help me" when I was really in need. I am sorry. It's not like I'm taking you help for granted, but I just don't know how to do that. I was so used to work on my own, until it makes me forgotten that there are times when I need other people. Like just now. I'm so sorry. You know I'm truly thankful to your rescue just now.

********************

I remember laughing at your boyfriend when I heard that he was lost when taking bus from in front of our office. I felt so embarrassed just now, because at least, he was deserted at a place where there were a lot of people, unlike me just now. Even though I know he will not read this blog, I would like to say Sorry for laughing at him at that time. I learnt my lesson. I regretted my silly act. (huhu~ paiseh to say face-to-face anyway)

********************

I hope tomorrow will be a better day to me. And I'm here pledging that I will try as hard as I can, and not falling asleep in bus anymore. It's dangerous. Now I understand why my mom had always reminded me to be more sensible of my safety.

I'm blur. I wish i can be more alert. I wish I was never born to be this blur.

I know I'm wishing in vain. Blur has been my middle name for ages.

I'm back !!!

Sadly, haha.

My 11 days leave ended today. Time passed in a blink, but i do feel satisfied. I get to spend a lot of times with my family at home.

Raya just like usual. I mean, that is how my Raya would be anyway. With lots of quarrel between mom and dad. But this year maybe there's an improvement. We've became much more independent, i would say. On the first day of Hari Raya, during the "salam" session, i went to shake hand with my dad. (really, its just shake-hand act. i did muttered some words like "im sorry" but it stayed inside me. anyway, if i did say sorry, i'm not sure if i will ever meant that.)
oh well, my dad did created some "sickening" scene which could embarrassed my mom, but i
guess she's much tougher now. i bet dad was the one who felt "lost", as in "kalah". I hate this mind-boggling game anyway.

The rest of Raya days just went off like normal. I enjoyed every minutes of it, because i had always love family gathering, especially if it is regarding my mom's family side.

Oh ya, one of my cousin, who is actually younger by 3 years than me, will be getting engaged this coming Christmas. -_-

One of my childhood-friend, whom i haven't met for like, more than 10 years, is now suffering with Leukemia. Haihs, seems like this sickness is everywhere in my surrounding. Scary :s

Today is my birthday. 24th seems like a big (and old) number. -_-

And I don't know what kind of "curse" had fallen on me, i was so sick today. Flu, running nose, cough and asthma attack all in one. If only I'm still on leave...

Oh ya, since its my birthday, Jusco sent me a greeting card and a little portion on birthday personality, which reads;

Personality
"Talkative, soft spoken, enjoys attention, attractive and suave, not pretentious, easily hurts, opinionated, loving & sympathetic."

Let's get deeper, shall we?

Talkative - am i? i think this depends on the level of comfortability of the person i am talking to.
Soft spoken - kidding eh? ;P
Enjoys attention - from the person i yearn some attention from, only.
Attractive and suave - really? grrrrreat ;P
Not pretentious - definitely! (sometimes it becomes a burden too -_-)
Easily hurts - yes, very very very sensitive. Better beware of my swinging mood. ;P
Opinionated - not really, i'm actually very chicken-hearted ;p
Loving - somehow i know i can love deeply, even though it has yet to be testify.
Sympathetic - I don't think so. I can be very cruel at times.
(since we were born in the same month, i think you will also receive the same ;P)

Currently i'm falling in love with this song. Go listen.

My bed is calling me. Daa~

here there and everywhere else

i'm touched!

you remember i told you about our big brother, whom i believed had unintended-ly delaying his payment to me, and never message me about it...

just now i opened my email, and found out that he had sent me an email explaining about the late payment and that he was sorry and he will make sure the payment will be cleared by end of this month.

well, frankly i don't give a damn about that payment (eventhough i'm dead broke now!)

i was so touched that he cared to explain, and seems like i put my trust on the right person. pheww~

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my baby is too cute!

when i was at the office today, my mind kept on thinking about the safety of my baby, whom i put in my wardrobe at home. Actually, i put it together at the same place where i put (read: hide) my laptop, but i dare say i'm more worried about my baby than the laptop. Bias..i know ;P

earlier this morning i had hard times to decide whether to leave my baby at home or bring it along to office. both ways don't actually sounds convincing, and not safe. it broke my heart when i finally decided to leave my baby at home.

i'm totally stroked by love at first sight, with my dear dear baby! (*continue pampering my baby lalala~)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm not a hard-worker, but i do mind greatly when there's job undone!

today was my last day at work, before my "quite" long holiday starting from tomorrow. I've tried my best to finish all the tasks that had been assigned to me before today, but things happened. i had only managed to fork out two modules, out of eight that i was supposed to finish. slow and snail style.

i feel bad to my superior. yes, of course she's capable of covering the job for me. but i don't feel good. i don't feel good to let people down.

as the result of my absent and my incapability of finishing the modules on time, they had decided to extend the project duration till 10th of Oct. Good things indeed, so at least i can get involve again once I'm back from my holiday.

but heck, how much can i do for a mere three days, (8th - 10th)? I'm just a programmer, a noob in fact, not a magician you know!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i like cyndi wang. yeah she's childish, act cute etc etc. but i do like cute people who act cute. on the other hand, i damn hate people who is totally not cute, one whom if u say cute u can see yourself puke, trying to act cute. i damn hate and i can be very rude to that kind of person. and i'm very rude, you know that.

so while i'm away this weekend, do me a favor and go get cyndi's mp3 for all your friends can?? ;P special request on "ai ni". i like~

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok this post shall end here. i'm sleepy and tomorrow need to go settle something before heading to Bukit Jalil station. i had never been there before, so i'm not sure yet how long it will took. (i'm not sure the route to that station either. tomorrow will definitely do a try-and-error thingy. wish me luck!) and one more thing, i won't be so "lucky" to be involve in any train accident right? (ok you can go find wood to touch now, i know my mouth is like that one heeeee..)

till then, you know i will always miss you. oh ya if you sms me and i don't reply immediately, that means my phone is inside the drawer and i was somewhere else. so don't get upset ya. i will try my best of course to entertain you ;P

see you, daa~

it's not everyday that i will feel happy, but today...

I'M HAPPY !!!!!
Seriously.

a mute person craving for ice-cream and duit raya!

ok, the title is totally unrelated, i simply put that. Since i have no specific topic to blog about, so i will go with many topics instead ;P.

I had been "muted" for two days in a row!



Sigh, i had never had such a bad case of ulcer before. Of course i had ulcer one or two times in the past, but usually the position will be somewhere where i felt pain but i still can talk. but not this time :(. i think i got at least two ulcers at the back of my tongue, which as the result, i was unable to move my tongue at all! whenever i force myself to talk/chew food, it will be so painful that i was so near to tears. i rather not talking than to feel the pain, so i started to put on my msn status as "sorry not talking today" as a sign that i will not entertain any verbal communication due to this ulcers i had. but then, after two full days of not talking, i kinda feel my tongue started to cramp! it's scary, so now, even though painful, i try to talk bit by bit to myself. haha, sounds crazy, but i don't want to "paralyze" my tongue ok!

and tonight alone, i've applied Bonjela for fourth times now ;P i want to recover very soon and start talking again.

Oh i'm craving for this...


McDonald's Oreo McFlurry. But with my ulcers, i don't think it's wise to have this sinfully creamy-icy-chunky drink. Is it a drink? Or is it an ice-cream type of thing? heee..i'm not sure, but i really crave for it. (btw even though i can see myself indulging in this drink for quite sometimes after this, it's a bit painful when i think about the price. RM 5.50 for half a cup of vanilla ice-cream and chunks of Oreo biscuit is ridiculous. why make it so addictive lerr???? ;P)

preparation for Duit Raya - done!

i managed to exchange some money for duit raya (malay for ang pau) today. Alhamdullillah, this year will be the third time i managed to give out duit raya. Although this year the amount will be a lot lesser, i guess its the thought that counts, right? I like giving out duit raya, because it reminds me of my childhood to see them smiling when i hand the money packet to them.

I love this song - I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

Have you listen to it? If not go see it here, i find it too nice!

That's all for now, i'm running out of brain juice to think haha.

p/s : Did you see the widget i put on the right side of this blog? Go figure what i'm thinking ;P

p/p/s : I've replied to both your comments. =)

high-school reunion

well, luckily i didn't follow my "chickened" heart ad back-off from this reunion. It's all worth it!

This reunion is for those who was in the same batch as me during our lower secondary school. From their faces, i can tell that same as me, for us, those time are the best of our life. That's where life began. That's where life gets spicy and heated up. That's where we first find what love truly means. That's where we do our first "school level" crime. That's where it's all began.

Life at that time was pretty much fun and simple. School, morning assembly, evening prep class, night prep class, and lights off. All the basic routine. That's where i first learn how to mingle with people who come from a totally different background from myself, and to set myself at the level on where it should be.

Even though those that i met just now was not those who really close to me during the school time, but still, we know each other. Not many from my class turned up, only three of us to be exact. Most of it from some other classes. But we still can share the laugh and stories. We still can gossip like we were small kids. We missed the time when we were there in that school.

One of my schoolmate turned out to be a total gay. Haha. He was such a fun person to hang out with. One person is now embarking on online business. Then another one trying his luck on photography (he took most of the photos, including a personal portraiture of each of us, i hope those photos turned up ok ;P). Some work with big-good company, some others were just like me, who work on "normal" company. There's one couple who has been with each other since Form 2! So many things were shared in just a few hours of outing.

As for me, i was glad that i managed to force myself to join this outing. I want to be out of my looney-shell and meet up with more people. i want to be a normal person, one that i had never been able to be. I want to be free from all those "sickening" cocoon i've been hiding myself in.

I hope i will have much more courage next time. Anyhow, i would say that this is obviously a good start.

p/s : there's this one person just now who had actually caught my attention. hee-hee.

I dont know what title to put

I was not happy with things that happened to me recently. You know of what things I’m talking about.

Anyway, as for you, you can even say that I faux the entire story. It’s all a made-up tale where someone confessed that he had a feeling on me. I won’t blame you if you ever think of that, cause 1) I showed you no proof of what-so-ever, 2) I was proudly rejecting it, yet again, as if so many guys courting me, and I have the habit of rejecting people. Even for me, it was hard enough to believe that things had been so messed up like this. Even though I did sense something “funny” going on, but I had never foreseen such thing will happened. I had never foreseen him to actually confess it.

Do you know how I feel when I first read his sms? Oh, actually I was not so sure which one came first, his calls or his sms-es. I was sleeping at that time, remember? But at some point, when my phone keeps ringing, I was kicked by some sense to see the phone, and that’s when I saw his sms-es. If I remembered it correctly, altogether were at least more than 3 sms-es. He talked about his so-called feeling. Pardon me for being blatant, but he did sound a bit of a desperate person. Promptly, I woke up from my “intended” sleep and re-read the sms-es. But I could not read it fully, as every time I read his sms-es, it made me feel mad and angry of whatever that he came into, and I felt humiliated as well. So I ended up deleting all his sms-es, and I don’t even bother to reply him. There were also some missed calls. I hate to see the number of missed calls he made.

I was angry because we were supposed to be just friend. I know I made the rule of saying that, girl and guy can never be friend. But somehow, I have no feeling on him at all. I did sense that he had something on me, and that’s when I started to avoid him. So did that still considered as I was dropping him a hint that there could be a chance between us? Am I flirting with him? Did I play with his feeling? All I could see was I did drop him a hint, by avoiding him, to tell him that I want things to stop and back to where they used to be. I want nothing of him.

And I was humiliated. He was my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. I was there all along their relationship. I was there when it’s started, and I was also there when it was ended. Like I said, I was there all along. How can he be so insensitive to think that I will accept him by my side, and to forget all that, and to face my friend? It’s unacceptable.

I know you’ve said your opinion to me before, and you’ve said that you’re okay with all these dating-my-bestfriend-ex thingy. I have to be frank. I was frustrated to find that we don’t share the same opinion on this, like many other things that we did. Because apparently, this is something that’s truly unacceptable. Even though somebody may say, it’s ok; I will not trust it easily. So I will try to convince you once again. Imagine that, your relationship came to its end because of the reason that you’ve always knew, your family and his family will not tolerate your relationship.

Then imagine again that after maybe few months, I am telling you that I am with him. I am dating him, and our family was okay with it. So in other words, we may have a future together. I know you’ve said before; you don’t mind that because you want him to be happy. But imagine that since I am now with him, every gathering we had, I was with him not just as his friend, but now his dearly girlfriend, and you, you’re the ex. Imagine yourself seeing him treating me nicely, the way he used to treat you. Imagine that you have to accept him as part of your life, not as your dearly boyfriend, but as you’re best friend’s love partner.

Not just that, you may need to attend our wedding (even thought you’ve told me before that you want to attend his wedding), imagine that I’m the bride, me, your best friend. Imagine yourself saying congratulation to me, and I’m now your dearly-ex’s wife. OK, if until this part you still say you’re okay with it, I have nothing to say. Surely you have the heart of a saint. But even so, I am now his wife, what if he still has feeling for you? What if he chooses me because he knows that we’re close, and so he gets the chance to always see you? In other words, I’m just a nicely fit rebound girl.

Yes, he may say he has feeling for me, but who can stand the fact when you’re hanging around with your boyfriend and his dearly-ex? I am surely don’t want to get hurt, and since now I can prevent it, I will put upon my life to avoid it. And then, what about us? Me and you, can our feeling still be the same? For God sake, we dated the same guy! And God knows which one of us is in his heart truly. Yes, of course he can say to me that I’m the one, and then he can also say to you that you’re the one. Of course nobody will know that. But who want to live with lies? Who want to live surround by a glass, which can anytime being pricked and shattered? One thing for sure and in fact I’m very sure about it now, is that I won’t forsake a friendship over a guy. Not ever. Even if I had to choose between poisoning myself and neglecting a friendship, I will rather die. Call it my principe. Call it a stupid principe. Whatever

Of course I’m not a perfect friend. I was never the most sought after best friend. I hurt my friends all the time. But for something that’s very obvious like this, will I still be stupid and follow whatever lies ahead of me? No, I’m definitely smarter than that. I know you may wonder, that If I know that guy and girl can never be friend, then why did I agreed to go out with him at that time. You know how I had always whined to you about me not having many friends, and about my behavior towards people around me. You also know that for some weird reason, I just can’t “click” with even your boyfriend. So, with that kind of thinking, I sort of want to prove myself that I was not weird after all. That’s when I decided to give it a go.

That’s when I decided to meet him, well, for “just a friend” sake of thing. I thought this is normal. If only I knew that it would lead to this, I would rather be called a snob. He had also mentioned his dinner with my other friend, so that added up to my consideration on seeing a movie with him. And if this is acceptable, I was also sticking up on him for the sake of my RM 300 that he borrowed almost two years back. (But I dare not asked!) I sounded selfish to have all this reasoning, but I feel like this is a proof to show that I have no intention of starting any relationship with him at all.

And most importantly, I realized the gravity of my mistake in the middle of the show, and that’s when I started to “create” most convincing excuse to break away from the outing. I left him immediately after the show ended, walked to the bus stop, messaging you on how miserable I felt (which I truly feel miserable at that time), and get back in to the mall after I was very sure that he was gone. I found out that I was so much comfortable being all alone there.

Not only that, that outing made me so miserable to think that how it had ruined my life. If any of my friends saw us, rumors will start to flow and creating ugly malicious lies and perception. My first movie with a guy was with him, someone I don’t even had any feeling on. My first lunch was with him, even my first time being with a guy in a mall was with him! Call me childish, but it’s all counted. I hate him for ruining that. I hate myself for being so naïve and so scared of “not having a friend” and agree to the outing. I hate myself a lot at that time and I hate myself at this moment. I will always hate myself for this.

In case you feel like I’m taking into a lot of consideration upon what my friend is thinking, then yeah, that’s my character. Even though I may not make any obvious effort on maintaining a friendship, but I do worship friendship as one of the gift in life. I do care of what my friend thinks of me. I do care of my friend’s feeling, no matter how bad she treated me. I do care a lot.

When I say that he wasn’t the one for me, do you think I just made that up? Do you think I said that because of I am still waiting for B? Let me tell you something that I will never be able to tell you when we are face to face. Well, you know me. I am used to guarding my feeling with utmost effort, that now it become a habit of being discreet and enclosed. Anyway, the truth is, I am well aware that I had no chance with B, no matter how long I wait for him. I am well aware that he has no feeling for me, no matter how much we still contacting each other now. I know that I’m being stupid for still waiting, but other than waiting, what else can I do? This may sound not true to you, but when decided that I have no feeling for the friend that confess to me, none of the reason was because of B. I ended my three-days relationship because I was afraid that B may want to propose me, and I was afraid of being unavailable for him, but not now. I am much wiser now to think clearly. Even though it seems like so obvious it was because of him, it was not. Because even though I said I will still wait till my birthday next year, I know that I am actually waiting for nothing. Nothing will happen.

Only that my life will be too empty if I don’t put him anywhere, so I purposely make it as if he’s still around. I purposely make it as if I still hope for him, when in reality; I know I was hoping for scooping an air with a spoon. It is that ridiculous. I don’t know how you will accept this, but I am being as frank as I can possibly be here. Only that I cannot do it to your face. I have to have a hope, to make it as if my life was not so hopeless. I am an ambitious girl, only that life and fate had been so tricky on me that even I knew my hope was in vain, I will still chanting my hope. In my heart, if you can see it, it’s all filled with lots of empty spaces. Those are the spaces of where all my life had been before. Now, my purpose is to only living, and moving. That’s all I am left with.

I don’t know where to end this post, as I can feel like I have so many things to tell you. But I don’t know where to start. As for now, I am still trembling with fear, anger and so many unnamed feeling. I scared he will do something nasty since I seem to have been playing with his feeling (which I didn’t!). I mad because of how things had happened. How one stupid outing had leaded my life to an ugly phase? I felt uneasy thinking about how my friends will think about this, if they happen to knew it. I feel uneasy that I had to keep this from them. I feel like a betrayer.

As I wrote this, my phone beeped and I saw a message coming. I thought it was from you, but it was actually from him. He said he was hurt, but he will of course be able to go through this. Well, I may be cruel to not thinking about his feeling, but to me, he’s being cruel to even initiate this, when he knows that we were not even an item to begin with. Don’t try to tell me about “unintended” love, I hate to even think about such things. Unintended is actually something that we can prevent, only that we choose to follow our own desire and neglecting the reality. As for me, I will not do that. My conscience is much clearer than my desire. And four missed calls. I hate that. I may even consider changing my number after this. (and for God sake, if he can go through this, why still bother to call me? I had put his number into my phone blacklist, which means I am paying maxis RM 1 per month to filter his sms. If he still call me within this few days, I will for sure change my number. I don’t think any of us need to give/listen to any kind of explanation. Things were so obvious, why bother to dig more?)

I don’t know what else to say. My heart is crying. Why am I being punished for that one stupid outing? God please save my friendship. :’(

p/s: I am so paranoid over this whole drama. My heart throbbing, my hands trembling, my eyes feel like at the edge of a big flood.

p/p/s: Seems like you also in a bad shape. Just be calm and decide ok. i am no good in this relationship matters, so all i can say is you need to trust whatever best for you, no matter what people will say about it, or how much it will hurt you. Take control of your own life.