happiness! (yeah such a corny title)

Urghhhh...I forgot my blog password! and how is that even possible, u tell me??!!?

I know i haven't been blogging for a long time. the last one was on the night of my birthday. my freaking 25th birthday! (and why am i making such a big deal with that number 25? haha, i love making it a big deal. its intriguing because i have always wonder what, who and where i will be when i reach that big two five, and ta-da, here am i, with absolutely no wow-things at all. just me and my crappy life.)

Just finished re-watching a movie, "definitely, maybe". It's a sappy love story i would say, but in a way, its kinda true. its clearly playing with the idea that in life, you'll screwed up a hell lot of things which you shouldn't, but in the end, it will bring you to where you were suppose to be. Will my crappy life finally bring me to where i thought i am suppose to be?? Only time will tell.

But anyhow, i am old and *cough* matured *cough* enough to know that you should not get too influenced by movies or drama. But I guess there's nothing wrong from taking a bit of it, here and there, cause in the end, IMO, the scriptwriter wrote that story based on his/her life experiences, or somebody's life experiences, or that somebody's somebody life experiences. My point is, it could have happened in real life. Only possibly with little twist, cause when its in real life, it may does not make any sense at all, unlike in big screen.

Owh my knees are hurting. And i'm having difficulties of breathing. Blah, i am so old style. Even my sickness is old style. pfft.

At one point in that movie, the kid was saying that her father, was not at all happy. But he denied it, saying that he is happy at the moment. Which obviously makes me asking my self then, am i happy?

Like seriously, that could be the easiest question that i had ever asked my self. I am not happy. I don't know how or when I will finally be happy, or even how to make myself happy. Yes, my family is my happiness, without then I'd be worst. But still, there's a small spot in my whole happiness pool that is still left un-fill. And then yes, friends do bring occasional happiness too. Like a little gathering where you were chit-chatting about an entirely non-related stuff, or gossiping. Or when you see in their eyes the friendship. Or even a surprise birthday party! Those kind of things had made me happy for a while, before the cycle goes back again to the same shitty life i have been running in. There's also chocolates, ice-creams, fast-foods and many other fattening foods that I love. They have made me happy a lot of times.

Yeah, these peoples, and things does bring happiness in my life. But it's occasional, and temporary. Which makes me thinking, happily ever after is a real bluff. It does not exist. After all, its always only being written in a fairy tale. Bogus.

So in my opinion, happiness is like something that you can see, you can imagine to have, and you can see other people having it. You see your happiness, you chase it, then it gets further and further away from you. And you keep on running and running, chasing for that little happiness that seems so promising. But before you knew it, you were running in circle, and you still see that little happiness a mile or two away from you. And you begin chasing again.

When will it ends? When you die? I honestly have no idea. And for those who said that they have found their happiness, i am extremely jealous of them, and I wish, by one lucky luck, that happiness will be mine one day.

Till then, I will live this life the way I like it, the way that is okay for me. I know that does not sound good at all, but hey, thats me. :)

Oh yeah and i get this from another movie. "Stop waiting for your life to begin, cause you are already living in it. It has already started." - something like this. Guess from what film? :P

happy birthday to me

12:10 am, 7th Oct 2009

It's my birthday. My 25th birthday.

I've got some super earlier wishes today, one from a dear friend whom i haven't met for sometimes now due to work/living distance. Another one was from a colleague, who so cutely ask his friend to made me a flash-design Happy Birthday wish. So adorable. Last one was from my best friend, one of my best friend, who wishes me early cos she's going to sleep and didn't want to wait till 12.

I went to bed early today too, cos at first I was feeling abit sick and headache (probably due to hunger - i am on diet ha). But after tossing around for like an hour, I gave up and wake up, sit in front of my laptop and watch some YouTube video from my favourite artist. I thought when the clock strike 12, my phone will be flooded with SMSs from friends who will be wishing me Happy Birthday.

But sadly, there was none.

OK la, not so suprising anyway. I don't have loved one who will for sure wish me. I have some good friends but birthday are casual for us, so I probably get the wishes few days later. And I have also estranged some friends so to hope for a wish was like wishing for the star to fall on my lap.

I did wished though. I even stupidly wished, or thought, something really good will happen when I turn 25.

Nothing happens.

I guess its true when they say, age is just a number.

So anyway, Happy Birthday to myself. :D I should be contented since I am still being given a chance to enjoy this life freely up to this age. I am grateful.

define love

i was never in a relationship. yes maybe I'd fall in love several ugly times before. and maybe i was being told 'i love you' by few wrong-person-at-wrong-time before too. but i was never in a long term relationship which always rumored as not easy to be kept uphold, but never fail to make you feel...loved. or maybe happy.

i see love as some routine that is hurtful. maybe because in my life so far, I'd always fall for the wrong person, waiting endlessly for that one person to come to me, while on the same moment, rejecting recklessly other opportunity that was given to me. i scared to move on, scared that when i did, i will lose the one opportunity i was so relentlessly waiting for. coward, i know.

love makes me feel numb. sometimes, its even meaningless. its nothing but a cynical joke around life of people who is afraid of being alone. love only last for as long as it is still comforting. the thing is, love don't give comfort for long. like a tissue, once used and teared up, its nothing but rubbish.

*i don't own this image, courtesy goes to whoever own this. tQ.

this is a still image from a movie Closer. when i first read about this movie, i fell in love with how the storyline being plotted. yes, I'm a sucker for non-fiction movie. i love watching a movie that was taken from real life experience, or at least, one that could be happening in real life. well, you now what i mean...or don't.

i like Alice as a character a lot. well just look at above picture. can't you imagine what kind of hurt she's facing with that tearful eyes?

it hurts to be hurt. but it hurts more when the one that is hurting us, is the one that we were supposed to love. or one that we can never hate. love is cruel in that way. it ties us down in a way we never want to be tied, and even if we manage to strangle our way through it, we will never be the same person again. heart change.

here's an excerpt of Alice's dialogue (courtesy of IMDB)

"Alice: It's a lie. It's a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully, and... all the glittering assholes who appreciate art say it's beautiful 'cause that's what they wanna see. But the people in the photos are sad, and alone... But the pictures make the world seem beautiful, so... the exhibition is reassuring which makes it a lie, and everyone loves a big fat lie."

yes, she was talking about the above portrait. did i tell you why she was so teary eyes up there? go figure. its not worth telling because telling would not give you the best picture of her sadness - not useless you can understand her real sadness.

oh and on another note, i went to an interview today, and guess what - it was a total shitty experience. real bad.

i love this song, and the meaning behind it.

breathe - taylor swift ft. colbie caillat

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

note: "im sorry to all of the people and i have never ask forgiveness from, im sorry i am like this, and i am sorry we cant be what we wish we could be"

reading out of a script

i've always believe in the fact that whatever happen to us in this life, has been written on our 'book' and we're like characters - that played out the part on each sketched scene. the storyline is already there, but still it depends on whatever the actor or actress did at the time of filming that determine how the story will turn out like.

perhaps this is kind of like a super simple minded thinking. but regardless...

i saw a friend being jilted by her boyfriend, whom she has been waiting for the past one year or so. she was sad, devastated. but eventualy her life gets better, as she's now moving to a new job. probably a new life too. soon.

i saw a friend who work so hard to get what she wanted, even when she has to make a decision that is so utterly impossible. but she knew what she wants, and she works hard for it. i'd be lying if i say i don't envy her, but i take this as a good kind of envious. i envy her courage, admire her boldness. she just go for it.

as for me, i am still here, at the same spot, playing the same part. if im the real actress, i will probably win the most-boring-scene in an award. not probably, its surely. except maybe my storyline gets better nowadays, where now i have to add the factor of my dad putting himself in estranged, and the bills and whatnot thats amounting to more than what i can actually afford.

i still cannot drive and it sucks. i hate it. but i have no idea how i can work on 'how to know driving'. blerghh.

i still work at the same company where i began my life three years ago. although i don't hate it, but i cannot say that i like it. perhaps its because deep inside me, i had always wanted a new life. a new me.

but i don't see where to move on yet. im still in this nightmare, where everything is bearable, if not insufferable. and amazing enough, im still surviving, despite of all the hardness that linger.

there's one time when i feel the pain like a sharp knife stabbing on me, but on another second i am grateful of whatever that is given to me. though it wasn't the life that everyone will die for, its a good life anyhow. like, i was given this huge chance to sacrifice for others. and good enough, those that im sacrificing for, are my dear ones. those that i love.

so even though i feel that this rucksack im carrying is so heavy, i feel lighthearted cos i know im doing the right thing, at least for them.

as for my life, i'll figure it out later.

what i've done

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no Alibi
‘Cause I’ve Drawn Regret
From the truth
Of a Thousand Lies

So let Mercy Come
And Wash Away

what i`ve Done
I've faced myself
To Cross out what I’ve Become
Erase Myself
And let Go of What I’ve done

Put to rest
What you Thought of Me
While I clean this Slate
With the Hands of Uncertainty

For What I’ve Done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m Forgiving What I’ve Done

[song by Linkin Park]

onto the second half of this year

...and how am i going to fulfill all my dreams with such short time?

I don't have the answer for that. I don't even know how to begin fulfilling it, let alone to make it done.

Where did the 6 months gone to? where did i spent my 6 months?

I remember my new year eve was a disaster. I was heart-aching. Yet you said that I was the one making it difficult. I don't know. Well maybe, like everything else, I was the one at fault. Maybe I was the one being too emotional, I was the one being selfish. It doesn't matter much at that time, so it won't matter even now. If to have a discussion on trivial things like that being my fondness, one thing for sure, I will never agree on discussing about who did what and fucked off. But since even to discuss were not my specialty, so I guess things just got dumped in its own grave and I don't have the heart to dig it yet.

I remember being super happy with my trip to Genting. It was a 2 days 1 night trip with two good friends. We have the same purpose, trying every single things that we see on the scene...so it's hillarious. I was sure to have fun, especially at the part where we ride on cable car. It was a great experience! I am still looking for next thing that i should do, or try, but nothing comes in final. I was thinking of rock-climbing, soon.

Then I remember being super tired at work, because I have this new manager who works with the speed of a superman. She's a woman though. But she's fast. I remember worrying about how am i going to keep up with her, and until now, no surprise, i am still wondering. She is still that super-fast human, and I am still me. Slow, procrastinator. Perhaps getting better at the latter. Hehe.

Then I have had my very version of "my bestfriend's wedding". It's insanely beautiful, seeing people getting married, and being happy. Those two, they made it happen in the end. I knew too well that their relationship was not the one I will call easy, but more towards fateful, or probably better be defined as magical. They taught me one thing for sure, that in the face of true love, you just had to do what you need to do. I went to visit them recently, cause she had gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I knew it somehow, as crazy as it may sounds, miracle does happen.

Then I also remember fretting about my brothers boarding school issue. One of the twins get in will early admission, while the other didn't get any offer. I was so dissapointed that this little turning in life will turn the other brother into something that I rather not saying. So I work on it. Send out letters to several schools. In the end, my brother has got his offer. At the moment, both of them are having the good time of their secondary school life - I can tell, One get involve in those school uniforms activities, while the other went for prefect or maybe school representative. When the fruit you nurtures turn out good and glimmering, even the taste of sweetness became hard to be defined.

Then I remember us being mad at each other, and we stop talking. I wonder if you still read this blog. I cannot make you less mad, I dont think thats what I want to do. What is now is the best that could happen to us. I believe so, and if you cannot accept that, I cannot make you.

Then my life goes in its usual circle, walking from one place to another, running from one empty spot to the other.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but whatever it is, i just hope that things will be bearable, if not fun. I dont need any other misery. I have had it enough.

the very long silence, and so much of nothingness

I haven't been writing for long. yah, i know that. and today..i feel like writing, despite of the mountain of works that awaits me. duh.

Ah anyway now i remember why i haven't been writing so much lately. nothing really caught my eyes, nothing really made me hear, nothing really interest me to talk. its just the same ugly silliness. same ugly.

A friend told me.."its the issue of trust that's causing the problem".

I could not agree more.

If there's anything that I afraid other than God himself, is to get hurt.

expectation

when you gave out a bag of gold, you would expect to get back at least the same amount of gold, right?

but in life, that is hardly the case.Most of the time, it will either you gave out too much and receiving too little, or, you gave out too little, and receiving too much.

Ain't that sad?

Life is sad anyway. Sad sad journey. So why bother giving, or expecting anything, when you know you will not get what you want?

why bother having a dream, when all thats left was just a nightmare?

i don't know why. i do not care either. i just want to go on this journey, and not turning back anywhere.

nocturnes

Some people said that mistakes are the most common things in life, but the scar of hurts that you've done, will stay forever. When love and respect had gone away, not even the mountain of regrets can return back the time that we've missed. it's long gone, and it's soon to be forgotten.

answered prayers

frankly, i never put on so much hoped to my prayers (do'a), although I did it a lot. It's not like I don't believe it at all, it's just, I guess, I just don't want to put on hope. (it goes in circle..lol)

and then I had always know that a good prayer comes with good hardwork. You can pray all you want, but if you don't work for it, miracles don't happen. At least not for everyone...

So to the case of my beloved brother, it was a good combination of hardwork, and heaps of prayers. We (my family members), had almost give up with any hope of him to be admitted to a boarding school. I sent at least 7 applications to 7 schools - no answer, he went to at least 3 schools to apply directly - no answer, I called the school - all I got was some rude answers. And my brother was very very depressed with the situation..when eventually, the letter came.

He was admitted to a school, and at this moment, he was already in the school.

My point it, when prayers were answered, and when your hardwork were paid, it feels like all your miseries had gone away, replaced by some thick mist of happiness.

And it's sweet.

I wish my brothers, both of them, best of luck in their future undertakings.

please God, if you hear me, please

right now, i really am not in a good mood. i just can't imagine how my brother will face his fate.

he was not being accepted to any school, while his twin already in a boarding school. and his PMR result, was not bad at all.

i know i make it as if this whole boarding school was so important to us. but hell yeah, it is. it is important.

i just pray that out of that many applications that i sent out, one will be answered. I pray that my brother will be accepted.

and if he did not, i pray that he will be able to face this, and be strong. He needs nothing else but a faith in himself, and a strength to stand up back on his feet.

Amin.

my heart is crying. i pity my brother.

cos the pain, its not forever

You were probably been thinking that today is the end of your life. Today is the end of the happiness that you have for the longest time in your life. Today is the end of the love that you've once had hold so dearly in your heart.

Think again, because as well as today will be the end of everything that you could think of, it is also the beginning of something else. The pains that you have inside of you today, even though at this moment seems to be like a poison that will taint your soul, will one day become your source of strength.

The miserable feeling of being and getting hurt will at least be so yesterday. The feeling of being taken for granted will no more making you so down and depressed, leaving your heart feeling empty and wretch. The never ending questions on whether he is being loyal, or he is playing around behind your back, will no longer be at back of your mind.

This is the time for you to think of yourself. To focus on what you really want in life, besides him, of course. Think about what you going to do, what your life will be, how you want it to be. This is the time for you to collect back every drops of self-love that you have dropped ever since you were with him. This is the time.

And always remember, the love you have had, no one can take it away from you. It's your. It belongs to you. So feel free to keep it. But don't live with memory. Live for the future, and take that memory of the love you have once had as a keepsake. Don't walk in it, but walk with it. Make it your strength, for it will always be the reminder to yourself, that you have once had a great love, that you will always remember.

Move on, and don't look back. Life is too precious to be wasted with just this.

And please, please always remember to be happy for your own sake.

*its not easy to be wise, knowing how much you must be in pain now. but i guess you will be strong to face this. you know this day will come one day, so embrace it with your strength. stop asking why it happened to you, but always remember that whatever happen, it prepares you for greater challenge up ahead. take a very good care of yourself.

my bestfriend's wedding

hmm..i'm still could not believe that the two of them are now married.

but their wedding were beautiful. simple but beautiful.

i was given the chance to witness all the events of their wedding, which at first i had tried to decline, but in the end, i was glad that i did not.

i wish them all the best in their married life. they'll be a happy couple. i just knew it.

* but watching her dad at the wedding, during the tea ceremony had almost brought me to tears. cos i was thinking, will my dad be there during my wedding? and how will i feel at that moment?

anyhow, may you have a blissful married life, dear friends.

all that glitters, are not gold

first of all, that title has nothing to do with my boss, though he seemed to have used that phrase a few days back.

it's been a long while since i last wrote anything on my blog. but i did some changes to the layout. well..i read somewhere that you need to push out the old ones, so that you can hopefully welcome new ones. i am not sure how true this will be, but anyhow, i had the feeling that my previous layout were too black. too dark. therefore i've changed it to something much pleasurable, i think. perhaps from time to time, i will touch this page up, make it much nicer. we need a nice place to live, don't we? ;P

btw as usual, many things happened. some of it were good ones, some bad ones, while some other just a very normal things.

my boss said my work performance had increased, better than the one at the last time she appraised me. well, i know i can't trust all that she said, but at least i feel better. I did tried to make up some changes, and i am glad she saw it. economy is really bad, and i don't have anyone else to rely on but myself. therefore, i can't gamble with my job. i just can't...

i took over my dad's car. which literally translating to i have to pay all the debts (he did not paid for at least 3 months), i have too settle the servicing payment (the battery went off, the signal broken, and some other things), and i have to think of a way to renew the road tax. OK, it's probably not going to be easy. in fact, it was very very hard. but i figured, i had no choice. and i feel better now, with all the responsibilities under my belly, i hold no grudge againts my dad, and i had no longer gone through those sleepless night thinking about when my dad will ripped my money. i just hope i can reconcile with my dad. i kind of...miss him.

I had always thought that the day of my confession to him will be the most eventful day of my life. I had always thought that it will be very dramatic, and perhaps traumatic. But then, when it happened, i don't even had a gasp on my mouth. it was natural. frightful but natural. and we still contacting each other, although most of the time, he will talk about the girl he's courting. i was hurt, but it wasn't so bad. its like..i don't know how to explain the feeling.

ever since the year my brother was suppose to sit for the exam, i had always pray that they will be accepted to a good school. in fact, i did work on getting some money so that i can pay enough for their tuition fees and everything. but little did i know how things will end up. yes, gladly my brother was accepted to one of the good school. but then, only one of them. one of the twin. i can't contain my dissapointment, and i really feel sorry for my brother. i just can't face the fact that one will move forward, while another one will stay behind. i don't know how the future will be.

next on my schedule will be the wedding of our dearest friends. the two of them. the "my bestfriend's wedding" kind of thing. i thought we could use this time to reconcile, pick up on those pieces that has scattered around our relationship. be matured and enjoy the wedding. but many of us can't turn up for the wedding. so i guess i'm hoping in vain. you can't hope for things that had all being written in your fate. you can't change the future. you just had to be brave enough to face it, and not fall through.

and that is exactly what i will do. raise my chin up, and walk forward. and smile.

long holiday

I'll be off for long holiday till, emm..Thursday. Cousin's wedding and other family stuff.

Wishing you all the best in this festive season, regardless of you celebrating it or not. Go out and visit your friend, and don't just stuck at home or the mall. Go on and enjoy life, it's short that if you know how short it is, you would not want to waste it by being nothing. Go out and be happy, ok!

See you around when i get back...daa!

omg omg omg

huhu..i did something rather unthinkable just now.

which left me feeling so embarrassed, and almost want to straight off jump down the window.

huhu...why i even did that? duh~

(sorry, not telling what is it cos too embarrassing!)

finally...

Remember the other day when i mentioned about something good that is going to happen? Well, finally it did.

...Cable car and Genting, done!

I was so nervous with this trip because, 1. it was in the list of what i want to do before i reach 25, 2. i scared to want it too much, afraid that it will not become real, 3. the planning was done in less than a week, with no struggle at all, 4. its genting!

But eventually things get pretty much well and my dream comes true. It was a blast weekend.

And i discover something rather funny, or maybe a little bit phsycotic.

I don't scream when sitting in all the thrill rides - except for roller coaster, we didn't get to play because of the weather - instead, i "freeze" to death. Like my friends said, "a no-feeling face". Ha ha. Embarrassing but funny.

It's a fun trip - although i keep on being the laughing-stock of my friends because of being chicken-hearted with all the rides. I don't care, their laugh makes me happy anyway. I am just a human, so its not a must for me to be all not scared and tough and whatnot. Therefore, i will just take that as a challenge, so that next time, i will do better.

At least i try to learn on how to scream ;P

"Tell me how to forgive you
When it's me who's ashamed;
And I wish could free you
Of the hurt and the pain;
But the answer is simple
He's the one to blame"
[Beautiful Liars - Beyonce & Shakira]

oh help!

i cannot decide between these two, which one i like most compared to the other? because the truth is, both had swept me off my eyes, and made my heart flipped. Oh my God, why do english man so *gulp* everything i want in a guy? why?

btw, their names are Edward Cullen(left) and Chuck Bass(right). These two are my official boyfriends for now.

Anyway life no updates. Work and other stuff just happened like normal. Oh maybe there's a few things did happened last week. Things like...

...I have a new deskmate. A guy. Younger.

...finally, I was given the office key. (Actually i was given the other colleague's key, making that person lost his access to the office. To my thinking, this guy needs the key more than me, but i also need to have the key. Therefore, i choose not to care. It's the management who decided this, so i'm being super selfish here, and not feeling a little bit of guilty at all. Seriously haha)

...the bonus and increment for this year has been announced. ****ing not good. My bonus is like a pinch, and my increment is almost not there. I wonder how bad the economy will be. Ergh...

...i had a dinner with 'him' and 'her'. My long lost good friend. (I don't know what to say about the dinner. It looks the same, but the feeling is weird. But I guess I choose not to bother so much about this anymore. I don't have any rights to say anything about other people's life, so I wish them all the best as a soon-to-be married couple.)

...i found a website that is having a long list of all the books at the bookstore, and the e-book is available for download at all time. I guess this is my way of cutting cost this year, which is by reading e-book. Haha. (As a start, I have already downloaded all series of Twilight, and half-way reading them at the moment)

...i have been talking alot to my 'friend' lately. No, not that we're in realationship or anything, it is just that he is in the middle of courting a girl, and he needs me to advise whenever necessary. Usual him. The thing is, i used to be mad about this, but this time, no more. I had almost not feeling anything - I guess I am way too far from the feeling I used to feel, therefore I don't get hurt with his attitude anymore.)

...i cough a lot this week. Terrible health problem. I felt like wearing face-mask all the time. I wonder if it will be weird though, hmm...

...i am really worried about my financial future. Duh.

P/S: I received your sms, regarding the 'not talking'. Hmm..i'm sorry if i will offend you, but i need to say this. Please stop having this kind of thinking about we're not talking or anything, please. I don't want you to simply jump into conclusion like i've changed or i'm avoiding you, or anything of that sort. No such thing. I am still me. It's just that at work, i really cannot spend so much time chatting because i am having difficulties running alongside my boss's deadlines. And at night, I can online but it was very slow. So i rather not using the messenger, because i will ended up lagging anyway. I will sometimes be working as well, doing the part-time job, so that fills my time at night. (besides reading, and dreaming of my prince charming ;p) so there's no way i'm avoiding you. It's absolutely the same as how I used to be, but it feels different because we don't work next to each other anymore. So we don't see that often, and not talking that often too. But does that change anything between us? To me it's not. We're still the same. I hope you feel the same and understand me. (I know you're having problem with him, and your family - you can always email me, i'll read - even if it's not instantly. And i will try to reply. ) Again, stop thinking negatively, you're hurting yourself, and i don't like you to do that to yourself. Please.

P/S/S:Something really good is about to happen. Something that I had been waiting for sometimes. Something that I want. But i am not telling you yet, because you know me, I am superstitious. I will definitely let you know once it has truly happened. Promise ;P

...end here. Hehe.

i'm fat, ugly and fat

Well, its been, 5th day since the new year. So, as far as I'm aware of, things has been going pretty well. Not all good for sure, but not all bad either. Kinda well-balanced, I would say. Whatever.

Anyway, at least two good things did happened today, for real.

One, the 'friend' whom i used to avoid since couple of months ago, due to his little confession bla bla, talked to me again. Well not that he actually find me or something. I have no idea by what kind of remorse, but before I realized, I took him out from the blocked list of my YM, and in a few minutes after that, he messaged me. (Expected, wasn't it?)
The best part of all that is when he don't actually talk about the past (the shameful, ugly, not-suppose-to-be-mentioned past), but he straight away asking about my bank account? Can you believe it? I was here before thinking about how on earth i would settle that problem, now out of the thin air, it was settled by itself. Pheww~

Second, I won the best presenter for the Knowledge Sharing in my company. *blushed* I knew it wasn't all grand or anything, but at least, the present became mine. Haha. Yeah, I can be so diligently proud and selfish and so self-absorbed when i get things my way. So whatever, I won. It's sweet to win, haha.

The rest of my life were just normal. You know, all the same stuff about chasing my deadline (before i'm dead, instead), and pacing up with my super-speed manager. I have this important module that need to be finished since last week, but i have not finish anything of that sort yet, by now. I had even promised them to test it by tomorrow. I guess i will have to tatter my squeaky clean record for that by telling them that i'm not done yet, again, tomorrow. (my reason, too many things to focus with, that i had lost my sight on the importance one - anything of that matters)

Oh, I am so so so infatuated by Twilight and all the books in the series. I had downloaded the e-book for all the series, and i will read them from time to time. (I had actually did, which causing me sacrificing the work that i was actually need to do just now). Edward Cullen was just the kind of boyfriend/soul mate/husband that i will want to spend my life with. Haha, i sounded like a lovesick teenagers whenever i was talking about him. Sick, I know. I find it hard to believe myself for this one as well. Usually me. I fall hard for this awesome vampire. huu~

Then i saw some photos of me during the Christmas Party at my company. Oh my God, I am soooo FAT. Seriously. I'm like a balloon, or a bomb. Hideous. And I have no idea how long i have been telling myself that i need to diet, yet it does not seem to kick in any result yet. I need a motivation, and a first step for sure.

But hell, I just had a plate of KFC just now for dinner. Sinful, i know. (For this, I blame the girls who persistently want me to join them for dinner - told them that i need to be on diet - duh)

So diet plan will obviously start again, tomorrow. Must.

i never thought love story would be so fascinating

A friend suggested that i watch Twilight, the movie about a human girl who fall in love with a vampire. I was reluctant at first, thinking that romance was like a big NO for me. Seriously, I never had so much heart for romance movies, or books, because i feel like it's a cliche - real life will never be as sweet, so why bother. Sarcasm had always been my good friend haha.

But since this friend was so insistent about this movie, I finally bought the pirated CD of it - if it's not nice, then it's ok, i can just chuck it off. But little did i know that i will be so fascinated with the love, of a vampire. Awww...

The storyline was okay, but what struck me the most was how Edward (Robert Pattinson - the guy who played Cedric in Harry Potter) and Bella started their relationship, and how protective Edward was for Bella. I could die to have that kind of protection of a love one, seriously. He was so charming, although not super handsome to my eyes. But English guy had always had a thing in me, so yeah, he qualified. Ahaks.

Go Google it yourself for the storyline, but if you were thinking of a movie to go with your bf, maybe can try this one. He may fall asleep though. Haha.

Here's some of the 'killer' dialogues that gave me goosebumps and made my heart go dub-dub-dub..;P

Edward Cullen: Are you afraid?
Isabella Swan: I'm only afraid of losing you.

Edward Cullen: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Isabella Swan: What a stupid lamb.
Edward Cullen: What a sick, masochistic lion.

Edward Cullen: That's what you dream about? Being a monster?
Isabella Swan: I dream about being with you forever.

Edward Cullen: [to Bella] You are my life now.

Edward Cullen: I'm the world's most dangerous predator. Everything about me invites you in. My voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would need any of that. As if you could outrun me. As if you could fight me off. I'm designed to kill.

Isabella Swan: I'd never given much thought to how I would die. But dying in the place of someone I loved seemed like a good way to go.

Isabella Swan: About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him, and I didn't know how dominate that part might be, that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Edward Cullen: I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore.
Isabella Swan: Then don't

Edward Cullen: "You're like a drug to me. Like my own personal brand of heroine."

Tell me, with words like this, who wouldn't fall in love? heeee *blushing*

"Never start a fight... but always finish it"

No, this quote has nothing significant with my life currently. I took it from the movie i had just finished watching, Changeling. (It has become a ritual for me to have a movie marathon on every free-friday that i can have. Presumably, this is my way of de-stressing, hehe)

This movie is great. It is based on real event happened during 1920-1930. It is about the fight a mother is willing to go through to get her son back, no matter what kind of hardship she has to face.

Let me give some details. Christine is a single mother, living with her 9 years old son, Walters. Then came one day where she was supposed to bring his son to the movie, when she had suddenly being called to work. She left her son at home, assuming that she will then quickly come back or something. But to her suprise, when she gets home, her son is missing.

Since when she made her police report, Walter have not been missing for 24 hours yet, the police only came to check on her case in the morning. Unfortunately, there was no trace of Walters anywhere in the neighboorhood anymore. (This is something i had always feel disagree with the police system. Missing people can only be reported IF the person had been missing for more than 24 hours. What if the person was kidnapped, and killed? Wasn't 24 hours is way too long, and too late? Other than receiving 'rasuah', why not assign these police with all these task. It doesn't matter if the person caome back within minutes or something, but i think if they really do that, i am willing to give them more respect then what i am giving now. To be honest, it's not much.)

Then came this boy who said that he is Walter. Of course the mom would know that he's a faux.
(She has a habit if measuring his son every morning before breakfast. When this fake kid trying to take over Walter's place, the measurement on the wall seems to prove that he's not Walter. He is shorter by 3 inches!)

After some more time, by some twist of fate, there's this young boy who admitted that he was forced to kill a group of young boys in a ranch, brutally. (In the moving, they are using axes!) Some people believe Walter was among the boys that got killed. But to his mother, he was still out there.

The guy who was convisted with the murder were hang to death if front of all the parents whom kids get killed in the ranch.

After 5 years, when the case had almost been forgotten, one kid (now a young adult) came forward saying that he was among the kids who was kidnapped in the ranch. He manage to escape. Not only that, at the night when he escaped, Walter was with him as well. Only that no one can confirm whether Walter had actually managed to get away from that place, or ended up being one of the brutal-murder victims.

But to Christine, she felt better now. Because, three kids get away that night, and one of them could be Walter. No one knows what happen to them, but she said, she now feel better 'cause she can hope for Walter to come back for real, since eventually Walter did tried to escape.

I love the whole scene. It reminds me of watchingThe Pianist long time ago. Classic, yet dramatic.

Trivia:
a) The murder was taken place in a Chicken Coop Ranch near Wineville. Due to what happened, the authority change the name of that place to Mira Loma.

b) Angelina Jolie is wearing the same kind of hat that Blair Waldorf (Gossip Girl) is wearing is one of the series episodes. I guess fashion does come in circle.

c) The old time operator was so messy. I am happy that we finally found the PBX.

d) I sense the similarity of police department behavior in this film with one we have in here. With power, they thought they can rule us like nobody business.

e) I will never talk to a lawyer. They are so manipulative.

wow, it's been a while

i spent the new year going out with bunch of best friends. no...no, it wasn't a new year celebration lunch or something. it's just a gathering, since we haven't met for quite some times, and today is a good opportunity for everyone to go out (it's public holiday!). We met at The Curve.

these bunch of people are those whom i spent my entire 4 years+ of uni life with. we don't share super close friendship (they never know the existence of my family trouble etc etc), but these people are those that always making me evaluating life purposes and be aware of where i have been and where i will be going. we called each other best friends, i think it's more like close buddy. we met occasionally since graduation (gladly everyone still working in the same state), the last time we met were in september. yet, the air are still the same. we shared the jokes and laugh like nothing gonna make us cry.

so after the lunch, we walked to Aussino and Ikea. (haha..good thing, we no more hog the shoe department, but went to home-deco department instead. improvement?;P)

then they fetched me home.

i took a nap at around 5 something, and i had a weird dream. (btw, my mom used to say that it is not good to sleep at such hour. bad for health, and you may wake up insane. i never know if this is valid, but being me, i always go againts the rule. huhu)

so in my dream, we were at our university, and it is as if they were fetching me there, as in, i stayed there. the scenery is all the same like how we left it 3 years ago...

more things happen there, but i couldn't remember exactly. (well you know, normal thing with dream, u can't remember them well ;P)

but i woke up feeling like there's something inside me longing for that place. although i may not have the best experiences from there, but that place means a lot to me. and now, today, i miss it. hehe. i have no idea how that can happened, but i long to be in that place, living the student life with my friends all again. it's, fascinating!

anyhow, i'm looking forward for more interesting things to happen this year, so that i can look back and be happy about it. hopefully. :D