Life as it is

...no more as it was, hopefully.

Well, I was thinking of writing several entry for the many events that happened to me during the last few days, but I get too lazy (someone may laugh at this), so here it is, the medley of all the things that I'd went through.

Warning: This post might be a little longer, so don't you dare to snore. LOLz.

My Boss, My Hero

ahaha..the title so corny. But ya, I meant it. My boss is damn good at winning. And not forgetting, bragging. Seriously good at these two. *grins*

So, anyway, my dear boss won an award of, err..I'd forgotten what is it. But, with related to that award, we were all (the staffs) invited to witness his most glorious event in a spectacular award-given ceremony held at KL Convention Centre. Mind you, it cost RM 1500 per person to attend this kind of event-diner, and my boss was being kind enough (or maybe this is his way of bragging again..haha) to sponsor 30 seats for his families, friends and staffs. I have to say, if not for him, I may not being able to get a chance to attend this kind of event. lolz.

I don't want to talk about the blouse I wore to that event because its hideously fugly. But I can at least talk about the shoes, which I was so happy that I decided to wear them. I couldn't find the exact picture of my shoes, but this is something very similar to it.

I got my shoes from Vincci though. This one is from Guess if i'm not mistaken, and I will gladly put this into my wishlist. Darn, I fall in love with high-heels. 5-inches roxxx!

We're together again!

Oh no, not that i'm together with my long-lost boyfriend or something. I don't even have one. Shesshh.

Remember when I blog about those people who changed me, or something like I became myself when I was with them? So, we had a row. It's not just one or two days row, but a long long period of row. And with all the inexplanable complexities of life, we sort of like gets busy with each others life, and we'd forgotten how important our friendship used to mean.

But anyway, miracles happened. We were together again last thursday. I was so happy that I felt like my heart being round again. I am so happy to have my dearest buddies again. *big big smiles*

Can a date be so boring and sickening?

Yes, it can. Or at least since it is happening to me, yes I believe that a date can be so overwhelmingly boring and frustrating.

I know it is just an outing. But face it adultly, it does look like a date. So, in retrospect of starting life and moving on (bla...bla..), I agreed to make myself available for this little outing with a friend whom I last met at least 3 years ago. And on top of that, he's my good friend's ex-boyfriend. I was thinking of just, okay, give it a damn try.

But it was a disaster. First, I ended up waiting for him to show up. Well, I know its nothing. But in my opinion, in any case of date/outing between a girl and a guy, the one in waiting should be the guy. Not the girl. Obviously not me. So I was already in a bad mood before I see his face.

Our movie was at 3.oo pm. He showed up at 2.45. And he said he's hungry. I hate people who does not have any sign of time-mannerism. And I hate rushing. Urghhh...

The movie was, a good escape but I don't like it. So during the entire showtime, I made my brain worked on the excuse I should gave him after the movie ended so that I can just flew myself off this dreadful date.

So right after the movie, and while walking through the pathway to the mall, I told him that I need to go. I can see that he's frustrated, and he ignored my notion of "I need to go" by saying he needs to go to the toilet. So okay, toilet. And then we walk around the mall, talking, and me still persistently making excuses of "I really need to go". At that moment, I really couldn't wait to leave him. I managed to escape 15 minutes after that.

It's not him, it's me. I am not ready for this kind of things yet.

Ok, it's him. It is because he was not the one. I don't mean that i want to only date this one particular person, but what I mean is, he's not the one that I feel like seeing. The cupid sparks is not there. I am well easy to please, but I also know when things won't work out for good. Remember I told you about my 3-days relationship. So this is the same feeling. Nothingness.

Trust me, I know what I want, and I only want what I want.

Shopping!

I came to the mall quite early, with a little ambition of doing some shopping. Real shopping, not just rubbish shopping. lolz

So after couple of minutes of surveying, I finally choose two things to buy:

a) MNG mocha knitted bolero in size L

Something like this but my one is mocha and the knit pattern is smaller.

The moment i saw this knitted cardigan, my heart went like, "I want this!". Since the line to fitting room was like way too long, I decided to just grab this cardigan without trying. Eventually I went for size L, safest. At home I tried it on and it was as expected, I love it. Maybe a little bit big, but it doesn't matter. I still love it.

b) Elle Sports Lunch Bag in Marine Blue.

Can't find any similar picture to that bag. But i have to say, lately, I have a thing towards Elle bags. I am so scared that i will go crazy and grab those RM200+ big buckle handbag they put on display. They were lovely, but it sure to burn a hole in my purse as well. And speaking of purse, I saw one nice elegant purse at Elle as well. It costs a bomb, but I think it is wise if i start to save for all these. Ha ha. I am sooooooooo don't want to become a shopaholic, whatmore a brandholic. HELP! ;P

p/s: Sad to say, the Voir bag that I planned to buy was no more available. This is one of the bad consequence of putting off your shopping. You lost for what you really want. So, my hunting for the new working bag continues. Sigh.

More Chick-Lit book

I bought this.
Well, I have to admit, I fall for the green high-heels pump on the front cover. Shall read it by tomorrow. Hope it is good though.

Sex and The City

I watched this movie, from a pirated CD. It was good and entertaining, with all the fashions in display. Its like, whoa...I can die just looking at how much this people in hollywood get a chance to indulge in such world of brand and designer stuffs.

The movie review, nah, go figure it yourself. Btw, I read somewhere that Sarah Jessica Parker was voted as the most Unsexy girl. Thats a pity man.

p/s: How I wish there is a movie on Desperate Housewives :(

Hmm..i think this is about all the updates. I spent the whole day of Sunday in my little room, and had barely went out. I went to the kitchen once, bathroom several times, and thats all.

Sorry to have you read this long long long post. Adios.

moving ahead

its been, umm...1 month and 3 weeks since my dear bestie left the company, and 3 weeks since my jie left. How do i feel?

I truly don't know. Its either something inside me still crumpling and crushing and waiting for the right time to burst out, or...I am over with the thought that they had left. How I wish it is the second one. :(

Everytime I reached the bus stop, I will look for my bestie's face. We used to wait for the bus together. Oh no, at first i am the type that came super early to office. Super early. And then, I learned to wait for her, and started to come in a little bit later. And I realized that I began to love spending time talking to her when we wait for the bus, and during the bus riding. Small talks..but it brought out friendliness from inside me.

And then, we will proceed with breakfast. My jie will everyday says she will try to come early and join us (which most of the time she failed to do so :P). Breakfast was fun too, cause I will get to spend some more time talking to my bestie.

And then we'll reach office at around 9+. Still okay. And start work.

A few minutes later, we will hear the door sound, followed by kling-klang-kling-klang (note: the keys sound). Don't even need to turn my head around, I knew for sure that will be my jie. But I will look in her face though, cause this jie is always sad, so sometimes (or maybe for many times), she will come with red puffy eyes as the result of crying. And if that is the case, I will be sad too. My bestie will be sad too. I don't know how it works, but it is like our feeling is mutual, and its related to each other. So one down, all will be down. (It sounded freaky and untrue, but its true.) But, some other times, my jie will cme with all the good mood, and looks like a sunshine. Pink color sunshine :P

Working is like normal. I will get instructions from my jie (she's actually my Supervisor), and do my work. We will discuss over things, big or small, and laugh and cry together. And then we do some stupid things like fondling over the printer (and printing out a total mess). At the same time, me and bestie will talk over msn. Again, stupid talks, but thats what bring us along together.

Lunch. We used to go with a big group. Then it reduces into small group. And sometimes end up only me and bestie. My jie will go with her boy, much much later. They never hungry when working together I guess :P

Back to work. Resume the same things like in the morning.

After 6. Time to go home. I don't usually stays back unless there's a really important work to finish. so I will go with my bestie before 7, to catch our bus. Again, more time for small talks and silliness.

Dinner. During those time when my bestie was having problem with her ex, we spent quite a lot of time being together. So sometimes we will walk for dinner at around her place.

Am I being silly writing this? I don't know if its alright to keep thinking about the past. But how do i forget something that had been so precious to my life?

I was a colorless person before I met them. I don't put on hope, I don't trust, I don't even share on how I feel with others. No one would be important enough for me to do so. But with them, I was being somebody whom I never seen before, but I felt comfortable being one. Its like, I finally found my root. I can see the colors, and become lively. Of course not at all time happy, but thats the true life. Emotions rolling over. I cried in front of them (this will sound fake as I cried alot in front of them, but I really had NEVER cried in front of anybody else before, not even in front of my mom).

Now, its all in the past. I was being a shithead when they were around, and I had never really appreciate their existence. And now that they had gone, I felt so...empty. And cold inside.

If I had a chance, I will want to be better. Better friend for them. But I'd missed that chance, and now its all gone. None. Na-da.

And I am back to where I used to belong. Colorless.

Just Leave Me Alone

[beware: might be pretty crappy, cause it is written by me.]

Just Leave Me Alone

Just leave me alone
when in pain i wept and moan

Drag your feet away
and never look back
cause you never plan to stay
go on and say "what the heck?!"

Just keep walking forward
i will never call your name
never bother what will happen afterwards
all the reasons are now so lame

Even if i ring you
don't pick up the phone
'cos all i want you to do
is to just leave me alone

[see, told you its crappy.ha ha]

blogthing : What my birthday means...

Your Birthdate: October 7

You are an island. You don't need anyone else to make you happy. And though you see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you. Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights. You also tend to be psychic - so listen to that inner voice! Your strength: Your self sufficiency Your weakness: You despise authority Your power color: Maroon Your power symbol: Hammer Your power month: July

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Your Eyes Only - Exile

Lyrics:

While you've worried about
the thing you only face
Every day's like the one before,
the same for me`Cause I don't Know what happens to you

Why couldn't I read the shadow in your smile
Heaving sighs means you lose your way.
the sigh to me
Why don't you tell it,the truth to me

You are the one and only
for me through my life
Nothing gonna change my love for you
You're my own

I'm never gonna leave you
So you're not alone
Now you may trust
my words to be true

If you wanna go on
I belong to you
And no lie is in my eyes on you

Pray If someone tries us,
we engage our faith
Hold on to love forevermore
And have to share joy and sorrow together

Take care of you with all my heart
`cause you're my life
When you call me
I'll be there with you On and on

I'm never gonna leave you
Never let you cry
How can I say good-bye to what we have
And so I just wanna say good night to you

And our love inside of you
I'm never gonna leave you

this song is actually sang in two versions, English and Japanese. while i had never once listened to the jap version, i love the English version truly. listen to it makes me think of a pure hopeful love that even though needs to face a lot of struggles, will in the end be together forever. ha..sounds like fairy-tale isn't it? :P

Being Silly

I have tons of work waiting for me. I have numbers of deadlines to be met. I have a lot of translations to do. On top of that, I have coding and discussion to be involved in. *sigh*

Somehow, it makes me thinking, am I just hiding behind the bush for all these years? Am I so unsuited for this position? What had happened that made me so clueless now?

Anyhow, I’ve been busy these few days. And getting tired too. Lack of sleep does make you a little bit queasy. Being silly is just one of the symptoms of a stupidly pressured lifestyle. (No, I don’t actually call it a lifestyle though.)

Take these many events that had happened to me during the past few days as for example:

Event 1 - this morning at Someplace* LRT Station

ME: One ticket to Someplace* station, please.

TICKET COUNTER: Sorry?!! (She looked at me as if I’m a retarded)

ME: Someplace* station. (I was being very firm this time. I am late already, and this girl is not issuing my ticket just yet.)

TICKET COUNTER: Huh?!! (More weird look.)

ME: Somepl…eh, sorry, Anotherplace station.

Then immediately I got my ticket.

So you see, I am already at the Someplace Station, yet I requested for a ticket to Someplace Station, again and again. What kind of dumb is that! And also, my stupid TouchNGo card suddenly malfunctions. Damn stupid. That’s why I need to go to the counter for my train ticket.

Event 2 - at the office

I’ve upgraded myself from being just silly with being stupidly silly. How? I had overwritten the other programmer’s files on the server, and keep no backup of it. Smart huh? Whoever being thrown in such situation will be mad. So with respect to the madness of the other programmer, whose files being gleefully overwritten by me, and who at the same time happens to be my big boss, he bombed me with loads of madness words. Spitefully. And it all ended with

(On our MSN chat window)

MyBoss : Fuck

Me: Sorry L

I have to admit that I was very shock with that word. Not to say I had never said it, or being dumber and never know about it. Of course I know. And I am well acknowledging the level of grievance people face when they choose to spite such word, to a woman. I have to say, I hate that situation. I cried (typical me), but then when I think back again, it is a good thing that I cried at that time, since it is the first time I was being encapsulated with such vulgar word. So if he said it again next time (which I think will possibly to happen, since I’m being so dumb there and keeps on getting on his nerve!), it wont hurt me as bad anymore. I hope so.

And many other things that i don't feel like writing here because it is all stupid. I wonder how am i ended up being so screwed up like this? Useless.

Surviving the reality

When my brain came across this sentence, I kept thinking. Is this what I’m doing right now? My everyday life, am I surviving a reality that I had to face? Or was it just a clever assumption made upon a regretful decision? I have no idea.

I read a lot of fictions, especially one with related to real-life events. A friend once asked me why do I am so eager when it comes to book? I don’t remember what answer I gave to her at that time, but if she asked me now, I think I have a better version of an answer.

When I read fiction, I read it whole-heartedly. I imagine myself being one of the character, or even the main narrator. I imagine myself walking through the road my narrator brought me to. And from there, I found my happiness. I feel much comfortable being buried with my book, because there, no one will hurt me. No one can. I don’t have worries, and I just read and continue reading until the end of the book. From here, I realized that one of the reasons I was being so fascinated with books (fictions, not textbooks of cos!) is because, by reading them, I feel like I was being drifted miles away from my reality. And it gives me joy, which real life has never been able to.

But I cannot lie to myself. Hate it or not, reality is the space given to us in this life. So, what do we do when we need to be in a place we never want to be? We survive through it. We were all surviving the reality that has so many colors and so many dramas.

Just be brave and go through it. Be brave and fight it. Be brave and survive it.

Things may not be as bad as how it appears to be. There’s a reason for it to happen. While we may not see the reason just yet, we do have plenty of time to keep moving on and finding out about all the reasons. Don’t waste your life just because one person gives you such a hard times. Life is short, so make the best out of it.

This entry is written especially for you. Be strong and survive this hardship. You can do it!

Travel Log

I’m Back!

Yeah, finally. After the five days business trip to Singapore, I’m finally here in my beloved homeland Malaysia.

Its 5-days trip, so a lot of things had happened. I learn more than I had ever expected. (Oh no, not working wise. It’s more on knowledge on people and how their behavior reflects into my life.) So below will be my so-called travel log. I will try to be as precise as possible, and I hope my writing will be able to convey on how I truly felt when those events happened to me during the last 5 days.

Note: For the respect of personal privacy, names will be changed accordingly. However, if you notice that I am writing about you and you don’t like what you read, please remember that this is my blog. No offense.

And this write up is going to be very long. So if u doesn’t like reading, you may stop now.

Day 1 – 30th June 2008 – Monday

I couldn’t sleep well the night before, probably due to my reluctant-ness of going for this business trip. So I woke up feel groggy and a little bit headaches. I’ve packed my luggage the night before, so I took less than an hour to get ready and at around 7, I walked to the station.

Since it was still very early, I quickly looked for the ERL entrance and found a spot to sit down. Good that I brought my novel, so I spent like 20 minutes or so reading and waiting.

I received Amy’s SMS saying that she is at the ERL area, but from the place I was sitting, I did not see her. So, being stupidly doubted, I called her. She gave some directions, but eventually I spent 10 minutes or so walking around KL Sentral (with my big luggage!), looking for the ERL area.

When Amy and me finally met and were walking towards the ERL station, I received a call from my boss, Mr.G. “So where are you guys ah?” With his usual tone. I saw him sitting at one of the bench nearby the ticket machine. Ah, shall I say, with a sour face. (Because of the stupid incident I had earlier, we were late by 10 minutes from the promised meet up time.) So I guess he was mad. After getting the ticket and pass it to each of us, he walked towards the passing entry and we followed. This is my first time going for international flight trip, mnd you, and my first time taking the ERL. And even though I can find the place and whatever with the help of those sign boards, I let him led us. To me, there’s no need to be so independence when you’re with somebody who is forever being over-the-top. So be it, we’re the stupid, and he’s the smart one. O-okay.

Flight journey was fine. We reached at around 11. Straight to office.

The office was nice, and small. Enough for them though. At time when we reached the office, they were having a meeting. Carrie, the sales manager, Alan the office executive, Mr. HL the big boss and his wife Kelly, and not forgotten, a new programmer which being introduced to me before as only Ms. L. As expected, she’s the girl from before. So in summary, I knew everyone there.

We joined the meeting; with me still totally don’t understand about the whole thing being discussed. But come to think of it, that’s their usual style. Dumping people in a pool of shit, and criticizing when that poor person drowning in such stinks.

Meeting ended after almost two hours of discussion. Yes, I now there’s nothing abnormal with the time or the meeting duration. But two hours of discussion with you being almost drown; I just can’t imagine the situation. I felt so depressed, and their expectation of how I can grab the knowledge is making me sick with fear and hopeless-ness.

We went for lunch at around 1 something. The bosses were gone, so only me, Amy, Carrie, L and Kelly went for lunch. Since I eat only halal food, they brought us to one of the hawkers centre in front of the office. Weird enough, my fried bee-hoon turned out to be a super red fried bee-hoon. It’s the shade of red that make you feel like the food is shining onto your face. Still I was already in a bad mood, and the food suck, I didn’t finish the food.

Seeing this, they automatically concluded that we don’t like the place.*sigh*

Another series of meetings after lunch. More and more blur-ness.

Just before dinner, me and Amy went to our hotel for check-in. Mr. G followed us, as he needs to verify his card, or whatever. It turned out that the booking made earlier by Amy was a little bit wrong, and after some arrangement, the total expenses for hotel room increase to a new amount. Mr. G gave us a very sour face. I guess by that time he was calculating his losses for sending us here.

They arranged for our dinner at nearby restaurant. The food quality was not that good, but I don’t expect to find a nice halal food here in this country anyway. So despite all the sarcastic complains from Mr. HL, I downed my food till the very last piece.

Seeing this, they concluded that the place we went for lunch was really bad, cause now we can finish our food.*sigh* again

Go back hotel, had a nice warm bath, and sleep. Surprisingly, regardless of all the clichés during the day, I manage to sleep soundly well.

[Day 2 – to be continued]