define love

i was never in a relationship. yes maybe I'd fall in love several ugly times before. and maybe i was being told 'i love you' by few wrong-person-at-wrong-time before too. but i was never in a long term relationship which always rumored as not easy to be kept uphold, but never fail to make you feel...loved. or maybe happy.

i see love as some routine that is hurtful. maybe because in my life so far, I'd always fall for the wrong person, waiting endlessly for that one person to come to me, while on the same moment, rejecting recklessly other opportunity that was given to me. i scared to move on, scared that when i did, i will lose the one opportunity i was so relentlessly waiting for. coward, i know.

love makes me feel numb. sometimes, its even meaningless. its nothing but a cynical joke around life of people who is afraid of being alone. love only last for as long as it is still comforting. the thing is, love don't give comfort for long. like a tissue, once used and teared up, its nothing but rubbish.

*i don't own this image, courtesy goes to whoever own this. tQ.

this is a still image from a movie Closer. when i first read about this movie, i fell in love with how the storyline being plotted. yes, I'm a sucker for non-fiction movie. i love watching a movie that was taken from real life experience, or at least, one that could be happening in real life. well, you now what i mean...or don't.

i like Alice as a character a lot. well just look at above picture. can't you imagine what kind of hurt she's facing with that tearful eyes?

it hurts to be hurt. but it hurts more when the one that is hurting us, is the one that we were supposed to love. or one that we can never hate. love is cruel in that way. it ties us down in a way we never want to be tied, and even if we manage to strangle our way through it, we will never be the same person again. heart change.

here's an excerpt of Alice's dialogue (courtesy of IMDB)

"Alice: It's a lie. It's a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully, and... all the glittering assholes who appreciate art say it's beautiful 'cause that's what they wanna see. But the people in the photos are sad, and alone... But the pictures make the world seem beautiful, so... the exhibition is reassuring which makes it a lie, and everyone loves a big fat lie."

yes, she was talking about the above portrait. did i tell you why she was so teary eyes up there? go figure. its not worth telling because telling would not give you the best picture of her sadness - not useless you can understand her real sadness.

oh and on another note, i went to an interview today, and guess what - it was a total shitty experience. real bad.