why did i said no?

ever wonder why you did what you have done, and wished for a time machine so that you can get back to that certain point of time and take a different path?

i did, million times. i know for a fact that it is a bad thing to do, to mourn over things that had happen, to long for something that had already walk pass by me. but it can't be helped, can it?

i used to ponder how my life would be if different things happen to me instead of things that actually happened. you know, like if i went to different school. or took a different course. its not like i don't like where i am now, but - ok no kidding - only those who truly had the life they wished will be happy with whatever and wherever they are now. but again, who gets what they wish?

i couldn't help when the ball of envious thought start to curled up in my stomach whenever i see my friends - especially those who really had a good life. why on earth i am still here, when they are all over the place, standing tall with all the achievements and glorious they have in life thus far. its unfair. (and please don't bogged me down with life will never be fair...be grateful...bla bla - i heard enough)

and today i feel like i hit rock bottom when he - that person i used to so crazily coveted over - same person who constantly broke my heart - called me, asked for lunch. ok i know its nothing special, but its him. and guess what, i said no. and giving some stupid excuses like i have to work.

my brain can't stop working now. its not about the fact that he asked me out and i rejected it that gets me down, its about the fact that i can't make myself feel good about rejecting him. so i reject his offer - he whom i know will eventually break my heart - so what? i should be happy, shouldn't i? it should be like an achievement, like i can finally go against the tide and reject him. but why did i feel so miserable inside. like something inside me breaking apart, shattered.

is that how it feels when you finally wakes up from your livid, useless dream? because one thing i'm very certain, there will never be invitation number two. cause for him, once i said no, it means no forever.

somehow somehow i could not summon the feeling of triumph inside me. this is bad.