price of an apology

"she taught me to do this, when i finally know how to do it, we met the cruel destination"

so you've made a mistake, you realized how bad you have been, and you asked for forgiveness. and the victim forgave you, and you two get back to where it was before. sounds easy eih? but in real life, or for some people, mistake don't get away just like that, and an apology is much more expensive than what you can offer.

why do i said so? cos i'd learnt that. and now i'm paying the unknown price of an apology for my silly stupid mistake *sigh*

I did a shitty things to my everdearest bestie, and i guess even though i had already asked for her apology, things was just not the same anymore. after all, when i asked for forgiveness, her answer was "is ok, its over". now i can truly understand what those words meant. its over...

For like thousand times, I have been telling myself that I'm just way too emotional. Things were not as bad as it may seem to be. But the more I walk through this, the more i feel the pain. Whats worse? I realized that it was all my mistake in the first place.

I understand her very well. She's a very ...i dont know how to describe it. But to her, once you've crossed the line, thats it. There's no way you can turn things as how they used to be just by a passport called "apology". Its really no such things. I knew it...yet I have drown in my own stupidity and crossed that line. And so, here am i...living so much in the outer part of her life now.

I have telling myself for thousand times, that this is not something to get so depressed with. But, who can explain the pain that i felt inside. Its itching, killing...as if inside, thousand of blades tracing my heart. Its fucking damn pain...

And there's no such thing as "it will get better soon". No such things. Its just a pain that is going to torture me for my whole life. My heart bleeding when i see her, so much that i felt so stupid to do such things to her. If only time can be pushed around, I would rather not being close to her, if asking for that stupid thing to not happen is too much. I really regretted it.

Now, I am like walking it a street so dark, and torturing. The sweetness that I had taste before, is now gone. The warmth feeling that filled my heart before, is replaced by a cold unspeakable moment. The smile that shown on our faces before, now is way too awkward.

My bestie is leaving for her one week trip to HK tomorrow. As if what i felt inside is not enough to torture me, she don't even gave me any chance to be alone with her. I can understand, she may feel scared to be like how we used to be, afraid that i will hurt her again. I am so torn. I long for the happiness that we used to have before.

I miss the friendship that i had ruined.

If i were ever to be given a second chance, i will...fine, I dont think so there will be any second chance. I know her, there's no such thing for her.

i guess there's nothing else i can do, or hope..than to look back at those sweet memories, and preserved it as it is now my only treasures...