I knew this will happen, yet i cannot do anything to prevent it

Even nobody had said it before, i knew it myself. I'm one impossible person to be friend with. While being too friendly is way too cosy for me, being emotionally stable is one of the maybe-do-not-exist moment in my life. I am overly sensitive, regardless of that-moment-of-the-month thingy. I get depress and hurt over trivial things, like what being said or what being done, or worst, not done. And i have not even started on how i will act when those feeling started to flood on me. No, i may not cry, or ask you to be frank with me, or face it or whatever. But instead, i'll opt for shutting myself off and get all the unhappy feeling burning inside of me. (You've seen those moment, so you know how bad it was.)

But then, i'm still a human. I have a heart, even though most of the time i had rather shut it cold. When certain persona does get into my life, that person will occupy a certain place in my heart. And i never ever logged anyone out of that placement. Ever.

Even when the person became hard to be reached, she is still inside my heart. Even when i missed her wedding day, and being too embarrass with that, she is still in my heart. Even when she keeps on criticizing me, she is still in my heart. Even when she made some irrational notions about me, she is still in my heart. Even when i show resentment and being real cruel to her, she is still in my heart. Even when she hurt me, and until now i cannot explained what had actually happened and what had actually stung me, she is still in my heart. Always. (No, i am not talking about just one person here. Not many, but these are among those people who had always be in my heart.)

And like other humans, i have my weaknesses. I cannot pretend to be somebody that i am not. I cannot fake my feeling. I can just do something for the sake of everyone's benefit. I am selfish that way. I was mad, yet i cannot solved the problems that lingers.

Today, I miss the time I'd spent with somebody. I still remember the laughter that seemed to fill in my emptiness in those days. I remember how eager i was to share my everything with that person. I remember how scared i was when she fall sick, or something bad hit her. I remember how i see everything that reminds me to her, and how much i felt like giving everything to her. I had wanted her to be contented with me as well as how much i had feel contented with her existence. every dream, every hope, every star that i want to grab, i will make sure that it is first known to her before anyone else. I put her upfront, before all the other unnecessary things in my life. I thought i had found the value of life, I thought i had found a treasure that i should gave my everything just to keep it by my side.

But i was wrong. I had been giving too much that now i cannot face the fact that it was no longer there. Time changed and people changed. But my stubborn heart refused to take that, and i felt like a jolt of frustration growing in my heart and fading my conscience. I said i had forgive, but frankly, that was far from being true. Forgiveness was never a usable term in my ugly selfish soul. I had given so much, not that i am complaining, and i know that people used to say, its better to give and not expecting anything in return. But that's bullshit, or at least it does not apply to me. Not anymore.

I am freak. I hold on to what i care too much. And therefore when it is gone, i was left with nothing but heart broken.And for a very long time, i have been running away. Unknowing to where i will be heading to. I had wiped my tears, and let it dried and forget about every facet of emptiness that i had felt inside ever since that happened. I run away from what that had seemed to hurt me. I had never been true to my feeling.

But i can never be true anymore. I've been too far away from the shore, that i do not know how to swim back. I've been too far away in this black hole, that i could not crawl back to the light.

With this, every single moment of life feels like a torture. And my heart, not only that i can feel that its broken, had started to rot too.

It stinks. This stupid mournful feeling really stinks.

And somehow, this song does hit home and makes me feel like crying. Shit.

Goodbye - Air Supply

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have much more
I can feel your heart and I simpathize
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my life

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure i'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say goodbye

Oh..i don't know.