i want to write this and send to her but i dare not, so i put it here instead

My dear friend,

First of all, I am sorry for dropping by like this. But I don't know how else I can get to you.

I know I've been treating you badly these few weeks. Perhaps, it has been for months. I am not sure, but it's long enough for me to feel the pain of doing all that to you. Please know that I don’t take pleasure in it at all.

I am just confused. I don’t know where we have been, and where we are now. And I cannot explain why I did that too. Certainly I have my own reason for doing so, but I cannot convey it to you. There are a lot of things on my mind, a lot of pain, a lot of sadness, but I can't find any ways to put it into words. I just can't. I can’t let go of what I have put into my mind, and I can’t dig it out for you to understand.

But whatever it is, please don’t blame yourself. You know well that it’s not your fault to begin with. It’s maybe like what you’ve said before, when there is nothing wrong, nothing is right either. Well anyway you know me; I am always bad at explaining. Maybe because I feel that it's easier to lie to myself, rather than trying to lie to you.

I don't know why I wrote this either. Maybe because I don't want you to think that I have hated you. Maybe because I don't want you to think that I had forgotten our friendship. Maybe because I want you to know that whatever happens, you're the best of friend that I had ever met. You were my friend before, and you will forever be my friend. One specific friend, definitely.

But I can't promise anything for now. I can't promise you that I will change, or taking back whatever steps that I have took. And I don't know how long I will feel this way that I am feeling right now.

I am sorry if I'm making you sad. Even sorrier if whatever I did makes you mad. I really am sorry. And sorry is all that I can offer for now.

Till we meet again, please be happy, wherever you are. Happy belated birthday.

Your friend