life

well, i haven't been writing for sometimes now. few months. a lot has been going on around here, but on the same time, its a stagnant thing that got nowhere. same old.

i'm working in a new company now, and the experienced i've got is more than i'd ever bargained for. i'm not talking about the technical stuffs, cos its all boring - its the people that i've met and how they make me understand more about this little life we're all having here, and how they make me questioned my integrity.

Of all the thing i am ever capable of - not many - there's always one common thing that was never in the list. Pretending. To pretend. To be a pretender. I just can't get myself to do so.

When dad left, it was very hurting to see my family breaking apart. But i somehow did not show much of a feeling, not because i'm pretending not to feel hurt, but because I had somehow managed to encapsulate myself - my feeling - into something like cocoon of no disturbance. Its like a plastic wrapper, i am as transparent as ever, but you can never reach out to me without getting stuck to the plastic. Of course unless you break it, but that will never happen either.

At the office, i was surrounded by a lot of pretenders. I can tell because all they care about was to get what they want, and never care how the method is. I saw a lot of people sucking up - kissing ass to whoever that can benefit them. I saw people who simply ignores the existence of one little substance that makes no different to their apparently full of competition career life. I get it. Working IS supposed to be like that, especially in big organisation where a lot of people getting involve with each other. Like i said, its just more than what i cared to bargained for. Somehow, I do believe that there's always a way to compete healthily, but i guess its just human nature. We choose the path that looks more intense and self-satisfying, and never care about who gets hurt in that journey we took. As long as we get what we want.

I made a couple of friends there, but as for now, no one in particular that i can actually trust. Perhaps in working, and with such stiff competition, no one is to be trusted.

My boss; well i'm going to try to put it nicely here. He's a man of many personalities. He can be all nice and civil when it comes to people dealing, but he can also be a bit of a pain in the ass. He once made a remarks on me regarding my personal life - by saying "You've got to get a life my friend." - when i said that i will be sleeping during the weekends. Why should i tell him what I have in plan in the first place? I am not those suckers who made small talks and remarks about people, and bragging about their life. Projector installed to their living room. Closet full of unworn shoes. Shoppings. Whats the point of all that? and whats wrong if i really am going to sleep through my weekends? Isn't the whole point of weekends is for you to get a good rest before boringly working again? I wish i can shout this to his face.

People are funny. When someone put too many remarks and statuses on their facebook, you call that person overbearing, too exposed, PDA. But when a person just want to have a quiet life, you tell them that they have no life. It makes no sense at all.

I don't know. I just hope that i get to keep this job and do a good work out of it.

Just watched Kiss-Ass. It was awesome. I like Hit-Girl!

Tomorrow begin another week. Haih.