back of my hand

i have lots of random thoughts today..

1. today was the last day for some person I've known at work. she was sitting like 2-3 tables away from me, always hearing her voice laughing with her other colleagues, walking in front of my table, yet, I've never talked to her. i did smile though. i just never talk, because we don't have anything in common, and i'm not one who like to make small talks. i really can't.

but today, before she left, we had even so-called hugged twice. imagine that.

2. there's just too much hurdles in my life, and one of the biggest wave is coming from my financial sector. i have one super messed up financial system. lots of debt, lots of things i want, lots of promises i can't even see how am i going to fulfill.

not knowing what to do, and feel like I've exhausted all options. then who knows, in some distance, i saw the light at the end of the tunnel.

it's not yet ended, but at least, for now, I've survived the wave and still being alive!

3. he's just not that into me. i can feel that.

well, maybe it's for the best. special relationship at work is never a good thing.

4. well, i often heard/read about how we should seek the best in people. but for me, i seek for the worst.

you have to understand that i'm very selfish, and i guard my heart with all that i might. so as to avoid my heart from being hurt, i have always - without fail - seek the worst in people i'm dealing with. why? so that when they finally show me their true colors - which they often did eventually - i will not be so shocked and hurt. moreover, i can anticipate such behavior, and react well to it.

now, i don't know if this formula is still valid, because i feel like it has made me a cold person, staying yards away from people, and sort of having self-alienating process all along. it feels bad.

meaningless ranting ends here. all of sudden, i feel like my brain no longer functioning well, and i miss my bed dearly.gtg.