moments later…

Well, i’m borrowing that title from one of my currently-favourite TV show, Pretty Little Liars. (Yeah, i’m that cheesy, watching such teenage drama.)

It’s February now. It’s been a year since I left my previous job, and moved on with something else, somewhere else. I have been doing a totally different thing from what I used to do, with totally different set of people, different kind of craziness.

I’d be a big fat liar if i say i am happy with where I am now. But then, it’s not that I am unhappy either. It reminds me of a quote from Desperate housewives, “the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. If I hate you, that means I still care”. Relatable?

I am this close to feel “indifference” towards my current job. That means, I almost not care where it leads me. I am still the same lost soul, searching for my most coveted passion.

And what the hell is passion anyway? I can never produce any answer to that. Well, maybe if i have the answer, my life would not be so miserable as of now.

I want to be a writer. I want to write my own book. But I haven’t even started with a single word yet. Na-da.

I need something to drive me. I have been waiting for that something to finally push me, or take me away from this mundane life. Why am i so not independent? Why do I am always need to rely on something, or someone?

I’ve figured this one actually. I’ve done the math. I was running away from any kind of situation that requires me to be the one in charged! All my life, in my family, I have been the one being “up there”. You know, the person being look up, depend upon, bla bla. And of course, like any other thing that fail in my life, i blamed it on my dearly departed father. (No, he’s not dead, he just left us. And yes, I still love him, as my father, and as a daughter should love her father. Whatever that is.)

So since I've used up all my energy being the one in the front seat, I put all that remains of me being hopeful toward others. I always need someone, or something to help me out. Otherwise, I will let myself drown that pool, full of shit.

I know its a bad thing, and i swear I am working on it at the moment. It’s just, it isn't easy to change what you have been comfortably wear for years.

I wish, and hope for something good to happen in the future.