epiphany

as i walked home today, i get a realization – much needed realization – on my life. It’s nothing peculiar, or supergreat, yet i think its important for me to get a firm understandng about life – my life for that matter.

so here it goes…

“I may have clung too hard onto the relationship that i had with him, even though it was far too short and too brief to be actually called a relationship. I was so “into” it until i go on telling people he’s my boyfriend, or someone who cheated on me, or someone who i could have a future with but it did not end up the way i had wished. I used to elaborate, improvise, or even alter some memories i had with him to make it believable. Although at most time i do admit that nothing really going on between us, i still sometimes mourn him as if he was actually my EX. It’s beyond crazy, I supposed.

I thought this firmness was due to love. I thought i really had fallen hard for him. Well, so much for a thinking.

Then tonight, I realize something that i should have seen years ago.

I was not love. It was never love, for i know that deep inside me, i’m quite incapable to truly love a person that much – for i have an inclination that people whom you loved too much will eventually fails you. So i really don’t give any love, for i know it was just a temporary pleasures, and my heart is too valuable to enjoy such temporary thing then got hurt and broken.

So what was it? It was hope. His good life giving me hope that he has the capacity and capabilities of overshadowing my own sad pathetic miserable  life.  I was hoping to get out of this circle I'm in, by his help. Because he was such a stable person, with stable mind state, stable life. And God knows i craved for such stability just so that my life is making sense even, if at all.

I was so hurt when that little “interaction” we had did not come to any conclusion, because, with him leaving, there goes my hope. There goes my stability.

So unless love is hope, then whatever that i had for him before was not love. And i think i can accept that you can’t just plant your hope on people who came by like he did, and i have to build that stability that i need by my own self.

It’s just, it is still a long way to go. But regardless…”