pinprick

i am not even sure if that's a word. pin prick. its kind of a feeling, of pain, right? its not severe, yet it is still hurt. ha, i am not even sure if that kind of pain really suit whatever i am going through right now.

the thing is, i am feeling very much under the weather. i need someone to talk to, desperately, yet i do not want anyone to know about what i am going through, cause its very private. its personal.

i don't even know how many times I've been letting out some loud sigh. its inevitable. i think i am having a kind of depression, and i hope its not a bad ones. perhaps its just the kind that can be fixed by a cup of coffee.

however, I've been drinking almost a big mug of coffee since two hours ago, and this discomfort in my chest didn't really going anywhere.

let me just get straight to the point. at home, i have to face my mom whom nearing her menopause days, and also at the same time is a diabetic. she’s cranky, and very sensitive at all times. then there’s my two teenage brothers who just – well, being a teenager. they only thought of their feeling, and headstrong. on top of all these, my dad left us some two years ago, so i have to say, apart from the inevitable emotional turmoil, we also face some high degree of financial difficulties. i almost exclusively pouring all of my salary to the family benefits, yet nothing seems to be enough. i learnt the hard ways that keeping a family is not an easy thing, but its not really an option. besides, they are my happiness. then there’s also the job, which i don't see going anywhere. i may not be good, but i know i can do things, better than whatever i am doing now. but then, i always find myself being swopped by the tides, drowning me in the sea of endless works. some people said i was being bullied at work, and guess what, i don't even realize it! my daily goal – is to go back and sleep, cause that's the only time my brain is free from all the above.

i feel myself walking on thin ice. i cant make a wrong move, or I'll break it, and bring everyone i love with me down.

its just too big of a stake to carry on one’s shoulder.