the moment of despair, pain and sadness

God knows how much I have suffered. This little separation in which I thought would not become a big deal of my usual routine life had grown before my eyes. The rage had become ugly and unstoppable.

I had fall. I had risen. And I had fall again, and risen again. It seems like a cycle that keeps on torturing me, eating up any piece of confidence and harmony that I can muster. And at this very moment, I can feel the pain as my own heart breaking. It crushes into million of pieces. It has broken and seems impossible to be mended.

I had never realized how much my life has been affected by the way I face my despair and sadness. I was sad when father turn his back on us and started on endless rivalry against mother. I was sad to see my family, which had once been so happy, now is falling apart. I was sad to see my siblings, those with young heart, had to face a living with parents who do not even speak to each other anymore. And I was sad to know and to think, that at any moment, they will try to hurt each other, my mother and father, as to end their grudge and hatred. I was very sad indeed.

That sadness had been a part of my life. My simple and never interesting life. I had laughed a fake laughter, flashed the in-genuine smile, and put my head up high where no one can see through my eyes, and saw how hard I have tried to keep up with my unfairly life. I do not know which one is myself, my real self, and when I think of a phrase of “being yourself”, I was dumbly astounded. I have not known which one is the real me, and so which one that I should keep for good. I seriously do not know who is me, what is me.

In my whole life, I had pretended nearly too much, and too long. At primary school, I put myself on the same line as those who came from a finer family; who’s father a businessman or a schoolteacher, whose family being honored through and through. At secondary school, I studied hard enough to gain the recognition that I had yearned, so that nobody will come and ask me from where did I came from. When I do not feel the presence of power to make my existence a staple, I stepped out too far, so that again nobody will ask, or even remembered about me. And that’s how I have been living my life, or at least that is how I choose to live so far. I have only two choices, to be known and well respected, or to be unknown and forgotten. I have done both.

But I have had forgotten my well controlled self and cracked away from my own prison, into the world of true friendship and hope. There, I had found them, many hearts with the warmth of friendship. Through the days, we had made a promise to stay true to each other. And me, a person with heart as cold as an ice, and the ability of faking everything in front of me, swear before them that I will stay true as well as they stay true, and together we will uphold the honored of our little sweet friendship.

They may not know it. They may not realize it. But with them, there’s a barrier that I had let loose.

But now, with the many things that have happened, still happening and will happen, the question of my true self hitting me like a knife. Constantly, I have been asking myself the worth of promise that I had made to them, and the value of the piece of heart that I have had given away to be filled by their love and honesty.

But I know this is not the question of value, or worthiness. It is not the question of how far I can stay a pretender, or how much I can control myself so that all the unknown remain as unknown. This was never a question of that, or any more of it. I want to stay in this madness, and stay as their friend as they would stay for me. I want to be the cheerful girl that they had first known, the one with the most laughter. I want to be the free soul that I had once became, one that is free from any worry of how much the hardship of life will taken her away. I want to follow what my heart desires the most.

I am all but tired for being the same negative thinking person. I want to be less worried over what may happen, and more cheerful over what had happened. I want to be as happy as rainbows, spreading it glorious many colors at the shine of light after the pouring rains.

I want to be happy, truly.