quarter-year resolutions.

Well, just to let you know how hard it is for me to write about whatever I'm planning to write below, i can’t even settle on a title for this post.

as a start, you have to understand that I have a weird made-up system in my brain (and probably heart) that goes like this – whenever I'm facing with tough-super-emotional situation, something inside my brain will be like, shut off, and puffs! i will no longer be thinking about the earlier said problem. When something hurtful happens, i can tell my heart to stop dwelling with the pain, and get on, as if the thing never happen.

Of course these actions doesn’t solve the problem, and i know I'm almost like ignoring the problem, but like i said, its a made up system. I hate dwelling on pain so much that I'm willing to let it pass, never thinking about it.

I was on the train today, when it hits me that i did have a rough life. Not bad, or total earth-shattering, but rough, as in..tough to live in. at least for me, that’s how i think about it. and I'm also started to get symptoms of depression, like having too much inside and it is waiting to come out – exploding – out and about. I do realize its not healthy.

Maybe writing about my real feeling wouldn't be so bad after all. I will try it someday – elaborating every takes and turns of it. but first i will put it in points, in case I forgot about it later.

a) how i feel about dad, and his whole stint of leaving us in our times of needs. And most of all, how his action had affected us, in ways i never thought possible, and unfair in every aspect. how i wish for a revenge, but he’s my dad, and i really don't want to hate him. how i think he has ruined the lives of us all, and I would want to redeem it – if possible.

b) how i feel about A, his whole casual friend thing really hit me like a blizzards. how i miss him everyday, and still confuse why this guy got me hooked for years now. how i wish i never knew him, then maybe i can have a proper love life. how i resolve not to be his go-to girl anymore, and how i wish to keep it this way.

c) how i feel about my job, about my future – that's now so bleak i dare not to take a peek at it. how i wish I'd made different decision, and maybe i can be somewhere else right now.

d) how i wish to tell my mom, my brothers and sisters how i feel, and my hope an wishes to them.

well, guess that's enough for a plan. I will write above in details, one by one, as a way to help myself out of this great depression moment. I hope by letting it out, i wouldn't be so boiled up inside and i can focus on other things.