what you may read below is maybe something that is totally material, but hey, don't point your finger on me. i am a material person, except that i hardly being able to materialize my dream. hardly.
my financial sucks. big time. i hate to say that i'm living paycheck to paycheck, and my saving is like a pinch of salt. maybe even lesser. it is that bad.
but that had never stop me from dreaming of owning something big. something that's really my own. something pricey and worth owning.
so i started with dreaming of owning my own condo. well, this dream stopped way before i started saving money for it. its really, not do-able with my current state.
then i dreamt of having my own car. this dream developed right after i managed to get a licensed. so i started to save up some money here and there. but this is when my family started to crush and daddy started to abandon us. well, abandon is an understatement. not enough with abandoning, he made me suffer by having to sacrifice my saving to save him from all his debts. so there goes my dream car. i dare not even think about it again.
and then i dreamt of having my very own digital camera. Canon IXUS 960 IS. this name craved into my head, and i can actually dream of having one. i put a picture of this baby in front of my working table, so i get to see it every single day, especially before i close my eyes to sleep. its not much. i just need to at least secure myself with RM 1, 500. really, not big amount. but who knows saving for this amount can be so challenging. i started to put aside RM 200 every month, and by august, i manage to secure RM 1000. I was scared every minute of it that daddy will call and asked me to settle his debt again. eventually he didn't. But as i manage to sum up to RM 1, 400, something else happened in my family, that needs my urgent attention. by attention, i do mean financially. i dare to say i was half-insane when i put down the money. there goes my saving. there goes my baby ixus. i guess what had happened could not happened in any better time than this. i had my money, and i had to let it go.
but the only thing that keep me alive is that i realize i do have a back-up plan for this whole 'getting an ixus' scene. last month, after consulting the salesguy at canon midvalley, i realized that other than paying cash for the camera, i can also pay on installment. the requirement? i must have a credit card, because monthly, they will charge on my credit card. but i dont have any. so this is where i realize that its time for me to get a credit card. well, you know, just in case...
so when i had to let go my saving, i was sad, but not so frustrated as i then decided to opt for the installment plan. i know its risky, i never like to berhutang, but then, thats the only available way to get my baby into my hands. so i really really looking forward to the credit card application process.
it was a taugh one. because me, being as ego as usual, had been reluctant to get help from my besties' brother who work in citibank. so instead, i went for online application. the process was quite simple, but tedious. getting all the required information and so on. but i managed to settle it all, and as my agent, Desmond promised, i will get my card in two weeks. this is before my money 'gone', so i really really looking forward for this as a backup plan. its like, even if i don't have the cash, with this card, i will still get my camera.
but i was challenged. first, after one week, i called the agent and asked for the application status, and was told that my EPF statement is not what they want. so i had to make a trip to KWSP Jalan Gasing on working day just to get my latest EPF statement, as requested and mailed it back to them. then, on the second week, i tried to call my agent, but then all i get from his call tone is a 'busy' sound. whole damn week i was frustrated and almost thought that my application and the agent was a scam. but then, the following week (third week from the week i submitted my appliaction), he gave me a call, saying that my application is still under review. i was like, okay, i can still wait. i have around three weeks before hari raya.
but then today, i received a letter from Citibank. Eagerly, i opened the envelope (because i assumed that this is a letter asking me to collect my card), when my eyes landed on the words as follow...
We appreciate your recent application for a Citibank credit card.
After a thorough review we regret to inform that we are unable to offer you a Citibank credit card at this point in time.
After a thorough review we regret to inform that we are unable to offer you a Citibank credit card at this point in time.
...my heart was broken into pieces, and i was so frustrated that i had remained unmoved even after the prayer for buka puasa being shouted. and even for now, i still haven't ate anything other than a glass of plain water that taste like tears. i have no appetite.
i have no other plan, which mean, my dream of having that camera before Hari Raya is definitely a goner. it's hard to even accept the fact, since i had been so close of getting it, twice.
i cannot cry though. but i can hear my heart crying inside of me.
btw, here's some photos of my baby...and i'm letting this dream go, too.
if this is a price i have to pay for all my sins and bad-doing, then i would say that its too pricey and i regretted it whole-heartedly.
when everything in my life has turned upside down, i was holding on to this dream to cheer me up. but when this little dream being crushed like this, i don't know how to describe how i felt.
and i know i would not be able to tell you all these to your face, so thats why, even painfully, i jotted it here. look at this friend of you, she's so pathetic and hopeless, ain't she?
i feel like curling up my self on bed and sleep and never wake up again.
p/s: i didn't go back hometown. tomorrow i will go pudu to get my hari raya bus ticket, and then i will shut myself of from the world. if this worrying you, rest assured that i will be fine. i just need some time to be fine and calm myself down.
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