why its all happening now?

maybe before asking why, i should ask how as well. anyway, who am i questioning? myself?

you can't prevent what you can't predict
i don't remember how many times i told myself not to put on hope, not to dream, but its all uncontrollable. without realizing, i started to heighten my hope again and again, and end up being put off. it hurts. its really hurts, but i can't prevent it. this is not just about that dream camera, or dream phone, or dream shoes, or whatever. this is about how my life had turned sour each day. this is about how i felt disappointed over and over again. you can plan what you want to do, what you want to have, where you want to go in life, but you cannot prevent unplanned things from happening. tell me how to be strong, when all i can see is stumbling blocks. i am really tired.

pretentious princess
my weakness will be to smile when i am mad. my weakness will be to accept when face with rejection. my weakness will be to walk straight when the road seems blurry and unknown. those, and maybe much more related to that, are my weaknesses. i cannot pretend, no matter how much i want to. i can't say yes when i want to say no. i don't stand on hypocrisy, no matter how good it is for the situation. truly, i don't see any good of it. and i don't like being treated nice by a hypocrite too. i don't know if this is just my ego, or it is normal, but i guess, its me. even if my lips are smiling, my eyes will betray the mask and show all the inside emotions. if i were to lied, i will end up failing, miserably. so now, how do i pretend to be happy, when truly i don't feel even a glimpse of a bliss. how do i pretend to be ok, when i'm truly not?

a hole, in my soul
i have a wrecked soul, and i truly admit this. i ran from everything, problems, emotions, etc etc etc. i don't know if i were born with this defections, or it is something that i had acquired as i grew older each day. i walk with no reason, no ambition, no vision. each and every moment, i keep on asking, who am i? whats the real me? because i have no answer to all these. i have no answer to what's the real me would look like. was it the evil person, who hated being in contact with the other human beings? or was it the one with endless devotion and loyalties towards relationship? was it the one who will never admit her disabilities? or was it the one who is willing to give in, and one who listen? and if i were a person with more than one personalities, i bet i have a lot of them. but one thing for sure, i don't know where my soul is. i don't even know if i used to have it, and now i had accidentally dropped it somewhere.

too many sorry, too little honesty , to many hurts, too little forgiveness
if i were to line up each and every person in my life that i have hurts, i can run an Olympics game with them. if i were to line up each and every person in my life that i 'think' that they/he/she had hurts me, i can have a line longer than China wall. truly, i do consider myself as over sensitive. but was it wrong? like many other things in my life, i don't know it for sure. whenever i hurt somebody, i will feel bad, but i will be too proud to say sorry. whenever i hurt somebody, i realize it, but i let it happen. because, whenever i say the magic word of sorry, i will then question my honesty. and whenever someone say their forgiveness, i will doubt their decency. its like a shadow, this question will run over me like an unsolvable riddle.

p/s: i can online again, but the signal was too low that i can't online my messenger. i know you were wondering about my condition. truly, i was not happy, but i cannot let it out as well. there's nothing wrong, but nothing seems to be right either. i need some time to be alone for now, and i am sorry for having to do this on you. many things had happened, if i were to tell, i don't know where to start. i hope you will understand. till then, be good, and always remember our good times together. i will walk through this, and meet you with a smile, again.