The loud blaring sound from my alarm clock – apple-green Kermit the Frog alarm clock – startled me from my sweet dream. Oh, did I have a sweet dream? So anyway, with my eyes still lazily shut off, I put out my right hand and started looking for the off button. Thud! One click and the annoying flaming sound went off. The silence of my neighboring area had almost dozing me off to dreamland again, before I had suddenly remembered something. Something that is really important.
I have nothing proper to wear to tomorrow’s outing. Shit.
With that realization, I opened my eyes. My brain quickly processed the event and surrounding, kicking me off bed. I had to do some shopping, I told myself. Although the word shopping is so delicious, I have to say that now is not a good time. With my mind practically being stamped to the idea of getting the Canon 960 IS as soon as possible, I had been very very careful with my spending. I had even rejected Angie’s offer for an outing today, just to make sure that I don’t have to use any money for these two days and probably be saving some amount of pennies. God knows how much I felt bad for rejecting the offer, considering that it came from Angie, my supervisor turn good friend turn super best friend. Oh but anyway, she had now upgrading herself to my ex-supervisor, since she had left the company. But whatever, I miss her. I’m not making myself sounding like a lesbian here, but God, I really miss her a lot! She asked me out in one of the emails she sent to me the other day, saying that her dad will not be around and so that will give us space of time for an outing. But I had to say no to her; with a blatantly stupid excuse of I want to spend some time alone. Frankly, ever since I bumped into Angie in my life, I was hardly being alone anymore.
But now I have to go out and spend. Erghh, I can almost feel my heart aching. Why am I being born with this stupid behavior of wanting people to see as if I’m living a near-perfect life? The girls that I’m about to meet tomorrow, they are actually just a bunch of good friends that I’ve known since university. But still, at least 60% of my evil soul keeps telling me that I must not neglect any important issue especially regarding my look tomorrow, as an effort of not losing my confidence. Yes, that’s the actual situation. I need to look good so that I can feel confident at every second I will spend with them tomorrow. I really need that.
I shoved my blanket away from my legs, and making my way towards the bathroom. My legs moved and my mind raced, still thinking of what actually that I need to get from the shopping that I was going to do later. As the cold water from the shower-head fall onto my face, my brain developed its own speech bubble and it says, “Jeans, you need to get a new pair of jeans”.
And with that I prepare myself for another shopping spree with a quite unhappy heart to Midvalley. Actually, it’s a heavy one too.
*****
The sun shone mildly as I made my way towards the bus stop, approximately 10 minutes from where my apartment stands. Although it was Saturday, and still quite early, I saw a lot of people moving around the basement area of my apartment. Then I remembered that this week was the convocation week of UM, a university that resides nearby my living area. In fact, most of the resident here are the students from UM.
As I walked by, I saw a family of three, moving around their car taking photos with the robe and a bouquet of red-roses. The graduate looked happy, with her mom and dad being around and able to see her stepping into another level of life. That reminded me of my very own convocation day, almost two years back. And that reminded me how my abah, my dear abah, was no longer the person he was two years ago. I felt a lumped in my throat, and tears started to flock onto my eyes. As quickly as I walked past the happy family, I shoved the memory away, at the back of my mind where I had always put them before.
The bus came after my 15 minutes of waiting. It’s good that I had remembered to bring my mp3 player with me, playing Tony Braxton’s ‘He wasn’t man enough for me’ over and over again. In fact I’ve been listening to it for a week now. And some other songs that has the same tune, like the song `Objection’ from Shakira and also Mariah Carey’s ‘Touch My Body’. I used to listen to all these kind of girl songs back then when I was in university, feeling that it gave me some sort of confident to go through my day. Yeah right, the issue of confidence yet again. In case you’re wondering, yes I DO have a serious problem with behaving confidently, or maybe thinking confidently. I had even gone through hard times remembering when to use ‘confidence’ and when to use ‘confident’. That’s very normal of me, being silly.
But I had stopped listening to all these songs when I came across Jay Chou. Inevitably, I had grown fondness towards his song, and making people around me looking amused and surprised (or maybe disgusted, if they thought I had feigned the likeness just to get attention). Because you see, I’m Malay, who had been schooled in an all-Malay class for my entire student life and so on. If you asked me back then how many Chinese friends I had, I will probably say none. Which in fact quite true, if I didn’t count the one I met when I was five, and another one which is my neighbor grand-daughter. Both of them, I don’t even remember their names now. We had never even been in contact although I wish to meet the one I met when I was five, ones who was being shoved away by her grandparents, along with her lovely mom, when her father had an accident and passed away. That was the last time I had ever seen her, and that’s the only thing from the past that is still very fresh in my mind. I have a serious memory problem mind you, in fact I may consider myself having the slight touch of Alzheimer at this age. Anyway I’m not young anymore, end of this year I will be 24, and alone. Oh my.
But, Jay songs had touched my heart in a way that I can’t quite explain how, or what. It’s absurd anyway. I dare not even tell any of my other friends about this newly found interest. Well, apart from him being the big star and all, I really like the way his song being composed, and sang. Of course I had never understand a word he says, but then again, like I tell you before, I just can’t seem to materialize any excuse for me liking those songs even when they were sang in a language that I have zero understanding on. I guess I will just say, I just like him, and the language. Because other than Jay, I had also grew fond of other Chinese songs such as those sang by Jolin Tsai, S.H.E, and…err, OK, maybe just them. Oh yeah, there’s another one. I love love love Janice Wei. She sang Cantonese though, as from what I learnt, she was based in Hong Kong, and Hong Kong-er speaks Cantonese. I really love her voice.
Nevertheless, I still like Jay Chou best. It’s like, I can go rumbling against all Chinese songs for whole day, but by end of the day, the song that will really comfort me will be one that is sang by Jay. In addition to this new interest, I had even went to Jay Chou mega concert early this year, which cost me RM 400 for a merely 3 hours of entertainment. But if you asked me whether I regretted spending that money, my answer will be no, I had never regretted that act. Seriously, I don’t even have a slightest pinch of regret to that spending, and I’m not being hypocrite here, even though I do that a lot. The concert itself was breathtakingly awesome.
But then now I don’t really listen to Jay as much as I did before. It’s not like the interest fading away or anything. I still very much like him, like his voice, and still find him hot. It’s just that, whenever I listen to his song, there was a tinge of pain that I felt in my heart. Especially when I listen to ‘Cai Hong’, and to remember how I came across that song in the first place. It’s the feeling of…
Never mind, maybe I shouldn’t get to that now. Maybe not ever.
*****
I reached Midvalley at around 11, but it’s already flocked with shoppers. Actually, since I move to this area last year, and since MidValley became my almost-every-week shopping place, I had never ever seen MidValley being empty. I read somewhere on the net saying that MidValley wasn’t Malaysian choice for a shopping place anymore, when now we have places like Gardens and Pavilion. But then if I looked around, this place still being visited anyway. In fact, the number of visitors does not decrease even when the economy went down and the fuel price ranked up. It’s still the same to me, to my bare eyes. It’s still annoyingly being filled with shoppers at almost every inch of it, this place.
I did a virtual list through my mind on places that I should be visiting today. I will try to make it as quick as possible, grab away the jeans – good jeans – and make my way back home. I don’t have any intention of spending so much time here, or spending money. Anyway, I felt worried that I might be bumping into Angie as well. Told her that I want to laze at home and rest, but end up here anyway, will be just contradicting. I don’t plan to make her hate me; even now I may have already upset her by saying no to her outing offer. OK, I told myself, stop making such a big fuss against that offer. You’ve rejected it, so what’s done is done. ‘Dear Angie, do you feel offended?’ I can almost hear myself asking that. Gosh, I’m one terrible best-friend, aren’t I? OK, forget it.
Since I plan to get a good pair of jeans, which in realistic terms mean a pricey one, I thought of Levi’s. OK, maybe I can go to Romp as well. They seem to have those nice jeans collections as well. But then as I walked ahead, I made my way to Jusco, thinking that maybe – maybe – I can get a cheap, 50% off pair of jeans. Well, just maybe, and there’s nothing wrong with trying right, no?
But then the result is frustrating. I can’t seem to find any places in Jusco that sells the pair of good jeans that I was looking for. Of course there are a lot of places selling jeans, and yeah, as expected, they were on 50% off. But then when I tried them on, it just don’t feel quite right for me. It’s too normal. And I don’t want normal, I want a good ones, my heart screams. So I brushed away the thought of getting my 50% off good jeans from Jusco and made my way towards Romp.
They do have a lot of collections for jeans, from short one (of course I’m not buying this), to those normal cut. But as I flicked through their assortments, I can’t quite satisfy myself with the feeling of; I found what I’m looking for. That’s the problem really, I had the image of the pair of jeans I’m looking for beautifully crafted on my mind. I want a true-blue pair of jeans, no fading or vintage-style looking. And that jeans must not be those now-popular carrot-cut slim jeans. I’m not even close to the word slim; it will be disastrous if I had even the slightest idea of wearing one. It will look ridiculous on me, I just knew that. I feel like puking by just imagining myself being squeeze into those tight slim cut jeans, which will surely make my fat look bulkier than it has already been. Yikes.
But hell, almost all the collections of jeans at Romp were slim-cut. It annoyed me to just think that how lucky those who were born slim-shady, being able to put themselves into these pair of jeans and show-off those beautifully crafted booty. Since I found nothing in Romp, I made my way out of it, thinking that OK, that’s it. My visionary dream pair of jeans must be at Levi’s. I’ll pay for whatever it costs.
Desperately avoiding myself from being frustrated by the lack of choices at Romp, I straight away marched to Levi’s, which is located at the first floor. I had never been to this store before; and it had actually startled me to see how small the shop is actually was. So I start to look around, carefully making my way towards the girls department and avoiding any possibility of humiliating myself by looking for jeans at men’s department. But, I could not find the one I was looking for there. It was not there. Even their most pricey stuff was not the one I’m looking for. And much to my detestation, it is the slim cut jeans. Oh hell, this couldn’t be so bad, I said to myself. Maybe it’s just because this is not their big branch or something. After making like three obsessive round of looking and flicking through their collections, I had to surrender. It is not here. The one I was looking for was not here. I was so close to my tears, with the pang of hungry and tiredness come to me all at ones. I checked my phone, it shows 13:45. Time flies.
Feeling desperate and frustrated, I made my way to Padini Authentics. I manage to found something that almost resembled the one I’m looking for, although it was written clearly at the tag saying that it is “Vintage Britney Style”. Truthfully, Britney was never my fashion icon. I can’t even imagine anyone making Britney their fashion icon. I don’t think she has much personality to be iconized, apart from the one being in and out of rehab centre. But anyway, I took a close look at the pair of jeans, and that’s when the salesgirl approached me.
“Do you want to try it?” she said in a pleasant sounding tone, with a smile even though I can see that she’s nothing but tired. Good business here hmm...
“Emm…what size is this?” I asked.
“This one is S” She said in the same tone. “You want to try them?” she asked again.
I hate jeans that being sold with S, M, L sizing. I mean, jeans is supposed to be personal, so it should always be refer according to the number size, shouldn’t they? How am I suppose to know my in between 29 and 30 fall under which letter-size?
“Err..I’m wearing size…” I made a pause before continuing. “29. So what size it that?”
Gosh, she must be thinking that I’m a hippopotamus now. Yeah right, hippo trying to buy a pair of jeans.
“I give you L then” she said simply, before handing me the garment. I made my way to the fitting room.
But when I tried them on, they don’t really make me amused or wanted to say “This is it!”, because they don’t. It’s nothing close to what I’m looking for. Again, with the same frustrated feeling, I made my way out of the shop and headed to an unknown and unplanned direction. I started to feel stupid, thinking that I should anyway accept Angie’s offer of outing, then maybe I can drag her around helping me find a pair of jeans. Maybe she can advise me on where to go, and which shop to venture into.
But then it will be too embarrassing to let her see my stupidly picky attitude. This is my problem when finding things that I want to buy. I had the picture of what I want way before I found them, and I won’t lay my finger on anything else but the one I’m looking for. This persistent feeling of wanting that one thing and only that thing had grew on me since forever. My mom knew I had this complex behavior, to which she swear never to accompany me to go shopping especially if I said I want to go looking for a shoes. Because she knows that then I will be looking for that one shoes, and will shook my head to any other shoes even if it is after the number thousandth of shoes. My aunts knew this too, and they swear the same. I had once dragged them to the entire shoe shops in my hometown, looking for the one that I want. I never found that shoes anyway, and I didn’t even want to wear any other after that.
I tried to act casually by striding towards some other shops, but my brain can’t stop thinking about my aggravation. I just can’t accept the fact that there weren’t any shops here that is selling the pair of jeans that I’m looking for. I went to Nichii, lay my eyes on one beautiful dress, and tried a few others. I went to Colours and Labelz. I even went to Zara and MNG. And at every shop that I went into, I found at least one or two tops that I had actually considered buying, but not yet wanting to buy. Not before I found the pair of jeans that I’m looking for.
Feeling sucky and hungry, I made my way to the ground floor, thinking of grabbing something to eat. In an attempt to at least make myself feel better, I walked to Yoshinoya knowing that in the past, this place had never failed to make me feel comfortable. I like the food there anyway. So I made my order, and found a seat near to the entrance. It was then I realized that I had ordered the rice with beef, and remembered that I had stopped taking beef because I found that I cannot stand their smell anymore. I looked at my plate, feeling more frustrated than before. Well, maybe it was not that bad, I heard myself reasoning. I took the seasoning and put on my rice (and beef), flaking as much as possible. But still can feel my nose trying to get the beef smell, and when it did, all my appetite gone. In the end, I decided to just eat the portion of rice with the vegetables, and sip through the Miso soup. At least this soup is the same one that I had always like, I told myself as I continue sipping the hot soup.
I walked out from Yoshinoya, and did a quick check at my mobile phone. 15:35. It has been four hours since I reached this place this morning. Four fucking hours, and I had nothing in my hand. I still didn’t manage to get the one I’m looking for. The feelings of something not settle make me feel restless. I must not stop. It was then I decided that I should actually try those jeans that I found in Romp or Levi’s, and maybe, they look good on me. Maybe I should stop thinking so much about what I want, and start accepting what I have in front of me. I smile to myself and walk briskly towards Romp, again.
This time, I made myself calmer and choose intentively. I picked two jeans, one black and one blue-grey. Ok, just be rationale, I rant to myself before entering the fitting room. Maybe this is what I’m looking for. But as I put on both jeans, I felt like crying. They look nice on me (even though it is XL, too big and shameful for jeans size anyway), but I don’t feel satisfied. The same feeling came again. This is just not the one I’m looking for, so I’m simply not landing on this. The same happened when I was inside Levi’s fitting room.
I walked and walked, with nothing particular in mind. I was so tired to even thinking of how stupid I had been for rejecting Angie, and how stupid I had been for wasting my time today. Unexpectedly, I found myself walking towards World of Cartoon, which resides next to the entrance of KTM. Then I remembered that I need to get my tickets, so I told myself, See its not that bad, I can go get my tickets now and I didn’t actually wasting time for nothing today. I never took KTM from MidValley before, so I came to somewhere unfamiliar. I had no idea that it will be such a crowded place, and I had to wait for at least half an hour for the train to come (due to some technical problems, they said). Calm down, this is not so bad. You’ll be getting your tickets and making today not wasteful as it may have been.
I was waiting next to a couple, who from my eyes maybe in college now. I can’t help but to adore the guy, a Chinese with spectacles, who keep on laughing casually as the joke made by his girlfriend. OK, since I like the guy, I hope the girl, whom to my eyes was not so pretty, is not his girlfriend. Maybe they just college friend. I feel much better then, and start to imagine myself being a girlfriend of somebody as handsome as this guy I’m standing next to. I don’t have any better explanation on my likeness to a guy with Chinese look (or actually a Chinese!) that’s wearing spectacles. They just turn me on; make my heart float to dreamland. Or something sweetly imaginary like that, ha-ha. In fact, I don’t even mind when I was being shoved by the crowd towards this guy when we were inside the sardines-like train. I was slightly happy instead. See, at least I had the chance to meet this cute guy today. I heard my evil-self saying that.
I felt horribly sweaty as I walked out of the train and made my way to the Putra counter. I can’t imagine how smelly I must have been, but I’m not stopping now. Not before I got my tickets and finally making a something-worthy today. So I took the train to Masjid Jamek, and walked through the tunnel towards Star station, planning on taking the other train to Plaza Rakyat station. Using the calendar from my mobile phone, I made an estimation of what time my tickets should be. It was then I realized that my off day date is still 3 weeks away, which means the ticket will not be available yet. They only accept booking and buying for ticket in two weeks time, not three. I promptly stop walking, taking time to think of what I should do next. Should I proceed to Plaza Rakyat, even though I know that my ticket would not be available? Or should I just head back home, which means making my entire journey worthless? I felt the pricked of frustration thrusting my heart. How in the world did I end up being so stupid and clueless? How did I end up being so messy, acting without proper thinking and all? Is this what I have been doing for all my life, wasting time nonchalantly?
As I headed back, I finally realized that how stupid I have been today. I had make the farthest way back from MidValley, replacing the 50 cents bus riding with more than one hour train riding and changing, shoving myself onto the crowd. I had wasted my time looking for the jeans I dreamt of, the only one that I want, and going back with nothing in my hand. I looked for the one I want, simply refusing to accept whatever that comes my way, because I had made my pick. That’s me, which is how I had always behaved anyway. And that is what that has made me feeling all stressed out and tired at all times.
Well, as the announcement upon the arrival at my station being made, I told myself that I will just go tomorrow to that supposed-to-be-fun outing with whatever I have at home. Be it the crappy pair of jeans that made my thighs looked as if its being pumped up, or the unclassy outfit that made me looked like a maid from some non-existent suburban. I don’t care anymore. Be it, whatever.
And deep inside my heart, I told myself, I will never reject Angie’s offer for an outing again. I will never say no, ever.
*****
[Note: It turned out that I was really the one who was having the serious insecurity problem. My girlfriends were all fine, and nothing appeared to have a scratch on my ego at all. Well, I thought that Peggie will be coming with some cute childish outfit that makes her looks young or something, but she turned out looking normal to me. As in, normal normal. And Andrea looks pretty much the same as the last time I met her. That girl doesn’t even gain or loose anything. And the best part of all this, Yvonne, the one that I thought will come looking gorgeous and slim and whatnot, looking just nice with her usual over-the-top style. So everything was normal, and nothing happened like how I had imagined them to be. So for the next gathering, I will try to think wisely and not to kick myself with any of the stupid mistakes I’ve made the day before ever again.
Anyway I just say I will try, so maybe a slip or two won’t be too bad right? I can’t afford being all nonchalant now that I’ve gone so far. I will still give a try though.]
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