What have I turned into?

I thought I was lost but actually I’m not. I’m not lost at all.

But then, it’s not like I know where exactly I’m heading to either. I do not know.

I had never embarked on any journey at all. This is why. This is why I’m not lost, and this is why I do not know where I’m heading to.

I was always at the same spot, looking at the same thing, wailing at the same scenery and juggling at the same surrounding.

I was always there, stumbling upon the same circle.

If they call it the rat race, then I’m that dumb stupid rat. I was the one who’s running along the loop, hovering towards the same exact position as I was before.

I want to move away, but I’m scared.

I want to leave this spot, but I’m fragile.

I want to get on towards some other direction, but my heart refuses to move.

Who am I now? Who I was before? Who will I be tomorrow?

I don’t have the answer. I don’t want to know the answer.

I want to do all the right things, but I was shoved away to the other side. I want to avoid the wrongs, but nearer I was pushed to it.

I want to put the blame on others, but the finger gets back to me.

I’m not ignorance, I’m just painstakingly scrupulous.

I’m afraid of mistake, so I had never take action, or making way for prevention.

I hate people to hate me, so I never like them.

I hate being left alone, so I leave as soon as I get the chance.

I thought I was a survivor, but actually I was just surviving.

I don’t do things because I want to, but I do them because I have to. I don’t choose a choice, I pick upon an option.

Do I get to choose who I want to be? Because then I want to just be nobody.

I want to be the thin air, always there but never being noticed.

How do I live my life, when I don’t see my direction?

But I don’t want to see the direction, only to know that I can’t take them.

I wail on life, I wail on unfairness, I wail on fate and destiny.

Because they’ve brought me here, but now I am nowhere.

And I’m still there.