I dont know what title to put

I was not happy with things that happened to me recently. You know of what things I’m talking about.

Anyway, as for you, you can even say that I faux the entire story. It’s all a made-up tale where someone confessed that he had a feeling on me. I won’t blame you if you ever think of that, cause 1) I showed you no proof of what-so-ever, 2) I was proudly rejecting it, yet again, as if so many guys courting me, and I have the habit of rejecting people. Even for me, it was hard enough to believe that things had been so messed up like this. Even though I did sense something “funny” going on, but I had never foreseen such thing will happened. I had never foreseen him to actually confess it.

Do you know how I feel when I first read his sms? Oh, actually I was not so sure which one came first, his calls or his sms-es. I was sleeping at that time, remember? But at some point, when my phone keeps ringing, I was kicked by some sense to see the phone, and that’s when I saw his sms-es. If I remembered it correctly, altogether were at least more than 3 sms-es. He talked about his so-called feeling. Pardon me for being blatant, but he did sound a bit of a desperate person. Promptly, I woke up from my “intended” sleep and re-read the sms-es. But I could not read it fully, as every time I read his sms-es, it made me feel mad and angry of whatever that he came into, and I felt humiliated as well. So I ended up deleting all his sms-es, and I don’t even bother to reply him. There were also some missed calls. I hate to see the number of missed calls he made.

I was angry because we were supposed to be just friend. I know I made the rule of saying that, girl and guy can never be friend. But somehow, I have no feeling on him at all. I did sense that he had something on me, and that’s when I started to avoid him. So did that still considered as I was dropping him a hint that there could be a chance between us? Am I flirting with him? Did I play with his feeling? All I could see was I did drop him a hint, by avoiding him, to tell him that I want things to stop and back to where they used to be. I want nothing of him.

And I was humiliated. He was my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. I was there all along their relationship. I was there when it’s started, and I was also there when it was ended. Like I said, I was there all along. How can he be so insensitive to think that I will accept him by my side, and to forget all that, and to face my friend? It’s unacceptable.

I know you’ve said your opinion to me before, and you’ve said that you’re okay with all these dating-my-bestfriend-ex thingy. I have to be frank. I was frustrated to find that we don’t share the same opinion on this, like many other things that we did. Because apparently, this is something that’s truly unacceptable. Even though somebody may say, it’s ok; I will not trust it easily. So I will try to convince you once again. Imagine that, your relationship came to its end because of the reason that you’ve always knew, your family and his family will not tolerate your relationship.

Then imagine again that after maybe few months, I am telling you that I am with him. I am dating him, and our family was okay with it. So in other words, we may have a future together. I know you’ve said before; you don’t mind that because you want him to be happy. But imagine that since I am now with him, every gathering we had, I was with him not just as his friend, but now his dearly girlfriend, and you, you’re the ex. Imagine yourself seeing him treating me nicely, the way he used to treat you. Imagine that you have to accept him as part of your life, not as your dearly boyfriend, but as you’re best friend’s love partner.

Not just that, you may need to attend our wedding (even thought you’ve told me before that you want to attend his wedding), imagine that I’m the bride, me, your best friend. Imagine yourself saying congratulation to me, and I’m now your dearly-ex’s wife. OK, if until this part you still say you’re okay with it, I have nothing to say. Surely you have the heart of a saint. But even so, I am now his wife, what if he still has feeling for you? What if he chooses me because he knows that we’re close, and so he gets the chance to always see you? In other words, I’m just a nicely fit rebound girl.

Yes, he may say he has feeling for me, but who can stand the fact when you’re hanging around with your boyfriend and his dearly-ex? I am surely don’t want to get hurt, and since now I can prevent it, I will put upon my life to avoid it. And then, what about us? Me and you, can our feeling still be the same? For God sake, we dated the same guy! And God knows which one of us is in his heart truly. Yes, of course he can say to me that I’m the one, and then he can also say to you that you’re the one. Of course nobody will know that. But who want to live with lies? Who want to live surround by a glass, which can anytime being pricked and shattered? One thing for sure and in fact I’m very sure about it now, is that I won’t forsake a friendship over a guy. Not ever. Even if I had to choose between poisoning myself and neglecting a friendship, I will rather die. Call it my principe. Call it a stupid principe. Whatever

Of course I’m not a perfect friend. I was never the most sought after best friend. I hurt my friends all the time. But for something that’s very obvious like this, will I still be stupid and follow whatever lies ahead of me? No, I’m definitely smarter than that. I know you may wonder, that If I know that guy and girl can never be friend, then why did I agreed to go out with him at that time. You know how I had always whined to you about me not having many friends, and about my behavior towards people around me. You also know that for some weird reason, I just can’t “click” with even your boyfriend. So, with that kind of thinking, I sort of want to prove myself that I was not weird after all. That’s when I decided to give it a go.

That’s when I decided to meet him, well, for “just a friend” sake of thing. I thought this is normal. If only I knew that it would lead to this, I would rather be called a snob. He had also mentioned his dinner with my other friend, so that added up to my consideration on seeing a movie with him. And if this is acceptable, I was also sticking up on him for the sake of my RM 300 that he borrowed almost two years back. (But I dare not asked!) I sounded selfish to have all this reasoning, but I feel like this is a proof to show that I have no intention of starting any relationship with him at all.

And most importantly, I realized the gravity of my mistake in the middle of the show, and that’s when I started to “create” most convincing excuse to break away from the outing. I left him immediately after the show ended, walked to the bus stop, messaging you on how miserable I felt (which I truly feel miserable at that time), and get back in to the mall after I was very sure that he was gone. I found out that I was so much comfortable being all alone there.

Not only that, that outing made me so miserable to think that how it had ruined my life. If any of my friends saw us, rumors will start to flow and creating ugly malicious lies and perception. My first movie with a guy was with him, someone I don’t even had any feeling on. My first lunch was with him, even my first time being with a guy in a mall was with him! Call me childish, but it’s all counted. I hate him for ruining that. I hate myself for being so naïve and so scared of “not having a friend” and agree to the outing. I hate myself a lot at that time and I hate myself at this moment. I will always hate myself for this.

In case you feel like I’m taking into a lot of consideration upon what my friend is thinking, then yeah, that’s my character. Even though I may not make any obvious effort on maintaining a friendship, but I do worship friendship as one of the gift in life. I do care of what my friend thinks of me. I do care of my friend’s feeling, no matter how bad she treated me. I do care a lot.

When I say that he wasn’t the one for me, do you think I just made that up? Do you think I said that because of I am still waiting for B? Let me tell you something that I will never be able to tell you when we are face to face. Well, you know me. I am used to guarding my feeling with utmost effort, that now it become a habit of being discreet and enclosed. Anyway, the truth is, I am well aware that I had no chance with B, no matter how long I wait for him. I am well aware that he has no feeling for me, no matter how much we still contacting each other now. I know that I’m being stupid for still waiting, but other than waiting, what else can I do? This may sound not true to you, but when decided that I have no feeling for the friend that confess to me, none of the reason was because of B. I ended my three-days relationship because I was afraid that B may want to propose me, and I was afraid of being unavailable for him, but not now. I am much wiser now to think clearly. Even though it seems like so obvious it was because of him, it was not. Because even though I said I will still wait till my birthday next year, I know that I am actually waiting for nothing. Nothing will happen.

Only that my life will be too empty if I don’t put him anywhere, so I purposely make it as if he’s still around. I purposely make it as if I still hope for him, when in reality; I know I was hoping for scooping an air with a spoon. It is that ridiculous. I don’t know how you will accept this, but I am being as frank as I can possibly be here. Only that I cannot do it to your face. I have to have a hope, to make it as if my life was not so hopeless. I am an ambitious girl, only that life and fate had been so tricky on me that even I knew my hope was in vain, I will still chanting my hope. In my heart, if you can see it, it’s all filled with lots of empty spaces. Those are the spaces of where all my life had been before. Now, my purpose is to only living, and moving. That’s all I am left with.

I don’t know where to end this post, as I can feel like I have so many things to tell you. But I don’t know where to start. As for now, I am still trembling with fear, anger and so many unnamed feeling. I scared he will do something nasty since I seem to have been playing with his feeling (which I didn’t!). I mad because of how things had happened. How one stupid outing had leaded my life to an ugly phase? I felt uneasy thinking about how my friends will think about this, if they happen to knew it. I feel uneasy that I had to keep this from them. I feel like a betrayer.

As I wrote this, my phone beeped and I saw a message coming. I thought it was from you, but it was actually from him. He said he was hurt, but he will of course be able to go through this. Well, I may be cruel to not thinking about his feeling, but to me, he’s being cruel to even initiate this, when he knows that we were not even an item to begin with. Don’t try to tell me about “unintended” love, I hate to even think about such things. Unintended is actually something that we can prevent, only that we choose to follow our own desire and neglecting the reality. As for me, I will not do that. My conscience is much clearer than my desire. And four missed calls. I hate that. I may even consider changing my number after this. (and for God sake, if he can go through this, why still bother to call me? I had put his number into my phone blacklist, which means I am paying maxis RM 1 per month to filter his sms. If he still call me within this few days, I will for sure change my number. I don’t think any of us need to give/listen to any kind of explanation. Things were so obvious, why bother to dig more?)

I don’t know what else to say. My heart is crying. Why am I being punished for that one stupid outing? God please save my friendship. :’(

p/s: I am so paranoid over this whole drama. My heart throbbing, my hands trembling, my eyes feel like at the edge of a big flood.

p/p/s: Seems like you also in a bad shape. Just be calm and decide ok. i am no good in this relationship matters, so all i can say is you need to trust whatever best for you, no matter what people will say about it, or how much it will hurt you. Take control of your own life.